You've Gotta Be Shitting Me
I keep asking myself, wondering how
I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out
Want to fly to a place where it's just you and me
Nobody else so we can be free
Nobody else so we can be free
Ursa Walburga Black closes her trunk with a flick of her wand and levitates a Slytherin sweater into her hands. She bundles her hair up into a bun and sticks her wand through it. She parades through the common room, filled with sappy, sentimental people saying goodbye and promising to write each other letters over the summer. It's hard not to roll her eyes at them.
She thrashes into her brother's room, her brows shoot up and knit together with disgust at the sight in front of her. Regulus’ noodle arms are wrapped up around none other than James Fucking Potter, their mouths are locked together, his hand tangled up in the other boy's hair.
"You've gotta be shitting me. Is everyone in this family very, very gay?" she swiftly recovers from the shock and cocks an aloof brow at the pair. They instantly jump apart. All the blood drains from their face, the look on her twin's face is of sheer horror. She rolls her eyes and kicks the door shut "Muffliato" she silences their voices to everyone outside
"Shit, Ursa”
“You’re gay too?” James squints at her and they ignore him
“This isn't what it looks like!" Really? He’s gonna go with that cliché line? How unoriginally lacklustre.
"Really, nitwit? Because it looks like you had your tongue down one of our treacherous brother's boy toys!"
"Don't call him that!" Regulus cries and James steps into action but she simply looks at him unamused, not threatened by his broad frame as it towers over her in the slightest
"Seriously, what do you even see in him? He looks like a toad"
"Fuck you!" James spits at her, but it looks like her brother already has that part covered
"Classy" she wrinkles her nose like he smells foul.
"I do not look like a toad!"
"James please" Regulus' voice is a plea. The other boy gazes into his eyes, an intimate understanding passing between them and nods. He stands down.
"Aw," Ursa pouts a smirk "adorable"
"Ursa please . You can't tell anyone, no one can know about this"
"Well, dah " she rolls her eyes "though I wonder, did spending time with a Gryffindor baboon Avada every single brain-cell you had or did you just never have one?" that rattles James but he contains himself to merely huffing behind the other boy "You didn't even lock the door, genius, anyone could've saw you. Did you think what would have happened if maybe, I don't know, your fucking roommates walked in instead of me?"
"I know" he stares down at the ground, shrinking in on himself the way he does whenever their mother's upset
"If that had been—"
"That's enough" James cuts her off, she fixes him with an icy stare but he doesn't waver " he knows " she glances from one to the other and back again
"Oh, fuck me! You've gotta be shitting me, Regulus Arcturus Black please tell me you're not in love with that Gryffindor ostrich!"
"Don't yell at him!" James roars at her, stepping between them
"Silencio! This isn’t about you, I’m not talking to you!" she roars and he clutches his throat, desperately trying to get the words out but choking on them.
"Ursa!" Regulus wails and cups his lover-boy's face.
"Reggie, you idiot ," the rage in her voice is gone, replaced by pity "What do you think is gonna happen? You're gonna sail into the freaking sunset together?"
"Ursa, give him back his voice" Regulus scrunches up his face in anger, just like he did when they were kids and she stole his teddy bear, Sirius always made her give it back “please” She sighs and with a wave of her wand the spell is broken “Thank you”
"And to answer your question," James voice sounds strained but his hand are fists and his face boils red " yes . I'm gonna get him out of that miserable house just like I got Sirius out, you can even come if you want"
"Do you really believe that?" she turns to her brother and she can see it in his eyes, the desperation, the longing, and cemented over all of that, reality. He knows it but she reminds him anyways "she'll never let you go"
"Sirius could get away, Reg can too, you can love" James looks at him with such love in his eyes, like he’s the brightest jewel "even your sister could if you only dare to do it"
"James" he says the word like it aches him. His gaze is of defeat, heartbreak
"No! Regulus, please" James beg "get off the train with me, come home with me"
"I can't she— she—"
"She'll kill you James" his sister finishes the sentence he can’t utter, with none of his emotion.
"I don't care" He meets her eye. Hers are ice, his are fire.
"Fucking Gryffindors" she mutters to herself
"He doesn't want to be a Death Eater!" he clings onto Regulus like he's afraid he might vanish in an instant and she rolls her eyes. Stupid Regulus and his dumb blabber mouth, no one was meant to know they'd be getting the dark mark this summer, their parents were clear they were to keep their mouths shut.
"And you think I do? The dark mark does not go with my aesthetic, and mum says I can't gloss it over with something else because it'll be ‘disrespectful to Voldie or whatever’"
"What?!" James looks at her like she's lost her mind, actually he looks at her like he's confirming that she never had one to begin with "You're talking about vicious murderers, not some silly tattoo!"
"I'm used to the vicious murderers, most people in our family are. Uglies tattoos? Not so much"
"He's not like you" James spits at her
"No, I thought we made that clear. He's stupid, like you" she smirks at him and Regulus has to hold him back. She relishes on it.
"James, go"
"What? No, I—"
"Go" they gaze into each other's eyes and Ursa rolls hers.
"We'll talk, on the train, promise me we'll talk" James is begging. Honestly, she thinks he's truly pathetic. But then again, she's always thought that of him
"Yeah, okay" Regulus hesitates but apparently he can't deny his lover-boy anything, he nods. Pathetic, where did his dignity go?
James cups his face and places a small kiss on his lips, she's rolling her eyes again. He wraps himself in a cloak and his whole body vanishes. Ursa raises a brow at where his body used to be and the corner of her lip turns up. The door opens and closes seemingly by nothing and Regulus sits back on his bed with an exhausted sigh.
"Since when are you two a thing?" She sits next to him on the bed. His face drops into his hands and he groans
“A while” he admits “a long one”
"Fuck Reggie" she sighs
"I know." he runs his fingers through his curly hair "Fuck I know. I wanted to leave him, so many times, I swear I wanted to do the right thing, keep him safe, I tried" tears stream down his face "I couldn't, I can't, he makes me so happy, I just kept thinking one more day, I'll tell him tomorrow, but when I'm in his arms, for the first time, I feel safe and loved and I can't. I hate that I'm doing this to him. He's so good, you have no idea how great he is" he tugs at his hair like he wants to yank it out.
"You really fucking love him, huh?" she nudges him
"Yeah," he snorts "that's one way of putting it"
"Okay."
"Okay?" he looks up at her with a frown and she grants him a tiny smile
"We'll figure it out, just no dumb Gryffindor ideas, okay? Us snakes are supposed to be smart" he lets out a chortle that takes him by surprise
"We'll figure it out?"
"if there's a way of you walking out and being happy, even if it is with that moron, we'll figure it out." he gives her a quivering smile, she smirks in return "I've been told I can be very cunning" he snorts, that’s an understatement
I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost
If I'm asking for help it's only because
Being with you has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?
"How did it start?" Ursa asks her brother after slipping into an empty compartment on the train. It's just the two of them this time, no Barty or Evan or anyone else. He chews his nails but finally he answers
"Caught me having a panic attack" he stares at his hands. She studies him and he almost thinks she sniffs past his bullshit.
"I thought you didn't have those anymore" she frowns at him and he shrugs
"Not often" he looks up at her and holds her stare "he helps with that" it takes a great physical effort on her part not to roll her eyes at the corniness.
"Why were you having a panic attack?" he shrugs but she kicks his shoe "Why were you having a panic attack?" he stares down at the ground and she nudges his foot again "Why?" he doesn't look up and she kicks him again "I'll just keep asking until you answer, why were you having a panic attack?"
"I was scared to go back," he finally admits "first Christmas without Sirius there, didn't know how it was gonna be"
"Yeah, me too" he looks up at her, startled by the softness in her voice "well, not scared ” she corrects herself “just concerned mum might get a little... sentimental and want him back"
"Afraid you might have to share your inheritance?"
"Exactly" they smile at each other "Does he know about you two?"
"Yeah. He isn't happy about it, thinks I'll hurt him"
"little rich coming from him" she mutters to herself
"What do you mean?" before she can answer the door seems to open by itself. The air seems to mumble something, the door shuts and the blinds pull themselves down. James’ face appears seemingly out of nowhere.
"What spell is on the cloak?" Ursa runs her fingers through the shiny silver fabric.
"I don't know" James is gracious enough to reply before he turns his full attention to his boyfriend "So?"
“I won’t get off the train with you,” he shakes his head and stares at the ground, unable to meet the disappointment on James' face "but she has a plan" he whispers
"What plan?"
"Guess you'll just have to trust me" she sighs, delighted
"What's the plan Reg?"
"I don't know"
"You don't know?" he blinks a couple of times like that piece of information is too hard for his slow brain to process "You're just gonna trust her? After what she did to Sirius?"
"Excuse you, I'm a perfect sister"
"Yeah, except for that one time, last summer, remember? When you TORTURED HIM WITH AN UNFORGIVABLE CURSE?!"
"Dammit you're thick," she rolls her eyes "If I didn't do that, Bella would've. Wouldn't you rather be tortured by your sweet little sister who's never even tried the curse before or the most ruthless, talented and psychotic witch you've ever met?"
"You really think, in that twisted, messed up head of yours, you truly believe you were helping him, don't you?" James looks at her like she repulses him and she smirks just the smallest bit brighter when he says "you're sick"
"Runs in the family, Jamie" she winks at him “you should know”
"I don't trust you." He tells her “And neither does Sirius” he turns to Regulus "Reg, please, come home with us"
"Kinda offended I’m not getting an invite as well" she inspects her nails with an amused smirk tugging at her lips
"James, I trust her, okay? I promise everything will be fine. I'll be fine, I'll see you after the summer, okay?"
"No. But you told me— you told me you didn't want to go back into that house, I—"
"It's not that bad, really, I'm not Sirius, I know how to keep my mouth shut"
“They’ll make you get the mark”
“Not if her plan works”
"You don’t even know what the plan is " James and Regulus are going to take some time, she rolls her eyes and stands up "Don't go. Tell me what the plan is"
"Being my charming, beautiful self" she bats her lashes at him. He grabs the sleeve of her uniform, she glares at his hand, now touching the skin of her arm. She leans closer to his ear and whispers in a somber voice "if you ever touch me again, you'll have one more thing in common with my lovely, darling, older brother. I'm sure you'll be happy to tell him I've gotten much better with the cruciatus curse" she pats his shoulder and unlocks the compartment with a flick of her wand. She walks out with a cold, vile smile.
James turns to follow her but Regulus drags him back down to him "can we just enjoy the time we have left?" he presses his forehead to his “Please” he wipes the tear that rolled down his cheek and James closes the small gap between their mouths
And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault but I want her so much
Want to fly her away where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame
When they stop and stare, don't worry me
'Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head
Over an entire week goes by before her plan can come to life. That is the day Kreacher announces their parents are calling them down, but they're not alone. The Dark Lord is with them. Regulus tries his best not to tremble, he has no idea how his sister keeps a skip to her step. Sirius and James' voices roar in his head saying he shouldn't trust her, that she's dangerous, that she's just like the rest of them. But no, he knows her better than Sirius ever did. He trusts her, she’d never betray him.
"My lord" Ursa gives Voldemort a regal curtsy. Their cousin, Bellatrix, and her husband, Rodolphus, are there with Regulus and Ursa’s parents. Regulus mimics his sister, swapping the curtsy for a small bow. Voldemort's eyes are empty, he has no fucking soul, what else was he fucking expecting?
"Your mother and father speak highly of you two, especially you Mr Black, they assures me you are nothing like your brother" he speaks to Regulus but he’s too petrified to reply. Both siblings know that if they were both male heirs Ursa would be the one spoken highly of. If Ursa minds it, she doesn’t show it; but of course when it comes to Ursa, this means nothing.
"It'd be an honor if you'd call us Regulus and Ursa, my lord" she flutters her lashes and peers up at him. Oh, for heaven's sakes, is she flirting with Lord fucking Voldemort?!
"Your parents assure me you and your brother want to wear my mark"
"Of course. My lord, it would be an honor" Regulus blood freezes over like the Black lake. This was his sister's plan, delay until he's too late, until he's trapped by her side, until James won't want him anymore, Sirius won't accept him. He knows what the mark represents, if he doesn't fight against it, he'll prove to them, all of them, that they're right, he's not worth fighting for, he won't even fight for himself. He has to do something, he knows, but when Ursa shoves him forwards, he stays, he doesn't step back, he doesn't push forward, he just stands there hoping for death. Voldemort raises his wand and holds it to Regulus' arm "My lord, I apologize for my interruption, but my brother and I were discussing last night, we want to be of service to you, true service. We want to be of use" Voldemort pulls back his wand. Walburga squeezes their father’s hand with a tight grimace, Orion incinerates his own daughter with his eyes but that doesn’t stir her "I thought, forgive my daring, my brother could be more, could do more"
"What did you have in mind?" his voice is dead and heartless, but when he adds "Ursa" at the end, Regulus thinks there might be a tiny, minuscule smile to it. Great. Kill him now.
"He could be of more use on the other side, have him as a spy"
"What use could he be as a spy?" Bellatrix snickers "everyone knows where his allegiances lay"
"So change that" she snaps back at her, her alluring mask slipping for a second before it's plastered back on place "My lord, you've heard the rumors about the nature of Dumbledore's relationship with Grindelwald" something flashes through his eyes at the mention of the headmaster, fear? Greed? Envy? Something "if Dumbledore believes he's not only deserted his family but aligned to his same… proclivities, perhaps with a family he already trusts, he might... develop an… inclination towards him" she lets the words float in the air. Is she offering him up to be Dumbledore’s whore? The corners tug at the sides of Voldemort's mouth, is that supposed to be a smile or a painful grimace?
"The Potters have already taken in a stray; it won't be hard to convince them to take in another. They've convinced themselves they're the heroes, desperate to save any soul from greatness, or what they call ‘evil’. They wouldn't be able to resist themselves. They're close to Dumbledore, their son is Gryffindor’s golden moron. Our family would have to publicly shame him, of course, and he wouldn't have the honor the rest of us would share, of your Mark, but to serve you, my Lord, who wouldn't bear the sacrifice?"
"What makes you so sure he could charm the boy?" he hums and is he really scratching his chin as he thinks? Did he take a shitty-boring villain course?
“I’ve had the misfortune of meeting the Potter boy, he’s not very bright” her smile is sly “Besides, you’ve met our parents,” the corner of her lip curls up in a way Dorcas always insists is irresistible “the Black charm may skip a generation but I assure you it's irresistible"
"No one would believe you abandoned your brother" Bellatrix snaps, please tell him she isn't jealous of Voldemort's attention on Ursa, that'd be too many shades of creepy and messed up. Ursa faces Bellatrix with a fierceness he's sure his cousin isn't used to. Everyone wavers at Bellatrix' path, even her own husband, but not Ursa, she's always looked up to her when they were kids, maybe that's why, or maybe it's just that they're both the same sparkles of insane, Bella's is just a tad more blinding.
"They'll believe that he abandoned me " he knows she’s right. That is what he’s doing, and he despises himself for it. She’s risking it all, everything, she’s lying to Voldemort of all people, she’s doing it all for him and he’s going to leave her behind
“Or you could join him” Bellatrix ceases the first opportunity to get rid of her cousin, even if, sadly for her, it’s not a violent one. He watches the muscles on her back tense up “Potter’s not the only Gryffindor the old man notices”
"Peter Pettigrew" Regulus finds his voice because she's wrong, Regulus would never leave her behind in this shit hole, even if she's made herself a shovel to maneuver the shit, she deserves to get out too “I’ve seen him talking with the old man himself” Technically all the marauders were talking to the old man , as Belatrix put it, after Snape figured out Lupin’s secret.
"It looks like your honor will come from being my spy, Ursa Black" Regulus wants to throw up at the way that demented psychopath says his sister's name, like she’s his pet. She pulls her shoulders back and raises her head, recovering fast
"You'll have to attack the Potters, nothing serious so they won't resent us, but loud enough to have lost the last two Blacks" their mother nods along to her daughter’s words, already on board with handing her last two kids up for more power of her own.
"And we'll have to torture them, otherwise they'll never believe it" Bellatrix' beam is too broad for her face "I'll get started"
"You were right" Ursa quickly cuts her off "I would never abandon Regulus, but I wouldn't abandon my family either. You have to make it seem like those two were at odds. Imperio me to crucio him" her gaze doesn't waver, but her shoulders are tense and she's stiff as a board. Bellatrix looks like a child in Christmas morning "My lord" A smirk spreads on Ursa's lips, she bites it down when she turns back to Voldemort "it would be a true honor for me, if you did it yourself" Christmas just go cancelled. Or rather, it wasn't cancelled, she just doesn't have any presents and she's forced to watch another person open their gifts in front of her and get just what she wanted.
Voldemort smiles like she's purring in his ear and Regulus wants to throw up. He raises his wand and points it at her.
Mother looking at me
Tell me what do you see?
Yes, I've lost my mind
Daddy looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?
"Imperio" he controls her, makes her lift her wand and pain soars through every nerve on Regulus' body. It's like a needle being shoved into each of his eyes. Repeatedly. It's being ripped open and stitched back up with no anesthesia only to be torn open again. It’s mind-numbing and painful and then it’s gone. The force releases his body and only its throbbing ghost remains. He rolls over and hurls his stomachs contents onto the carpet. His mother won’t be happy about that. Good . "Crucio" Ursa bends over in pain. Her cries make his ear bleed and her vocal strings tear in a string of red, intermingling with Bellatrix overjoyed cries. She wails and squirms in pain for what feels like days but is only hours, or is it minutes? Suddenly it stops. She goes lull and the quiet is deafening "Strong lady," he compliments their parents like a teacher grading a paper "took her longer to faint than most"
"I helped her practice" Bellatrix snickers like she’s proud, like she might get praised and Regulus fears that, this is The Dark Lord, he may actually do just that. He wants to yell at her and hex her but not as much as he wants to curl into a ball and lay perfectly still without moving a muscle on his body, not even taking a painful breath
"Little bugger pushed back, thought she could break out of my imperio" he chuckles like that’s somehow funny. Of course that’s the only reason why he wasn’t tortured senseless, because of her. Sirius and James were wrong about her, and now they’ll know, they’ll be able to see it for themselves.
How much time has gone by? Minutes? Hours? Days? He can breathe again but his body aches all over, every muscle in his body screams with pain and exertion. His parents are helping— or rather forcing— him up "I'm proud of you son" his father says while his mother vehemently nods. They leave him on the sidewalk with an unconscious Ursa. In that moment he knows, Sirius might’ve been wrong about Ursa, but he was right about their parents, they should hate them, their family is rotten.
They take the midnight bus to the Potters, Ursa bundled up in his arms. It's like a weight lifts off his chest. They're safe, at least for the summer they can be happy. Looking at her, passed out in her arms, she looks so young, he knows what she said to James wasn't a lie. Regulus had been in pain, but his sister's cries... What she did to Sirius had been clemency. She’d spared him of that pain. He sees the tears strike her peaceful face and only then he realizes he's crying.
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
Running through my head
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
Running through my head
All the things she said (all the things she said)
This is not enough
This is not enough
The midnight bus practically kicks them in the ass on their way out. He holds her closer to his chest and he can finally breathe because he sees him, flying up in his broom "James!" he turns to him, his bronze skin glowing in the sun and carefree smile, his James. His face lights up at the sight of him, Regulus thinks that is the face of someone who loves me . And then those warm, brown eyes register what's happening.
"Reg!" He runs to him "what happened?!" he looks from him to Ursa's tiny body in his fragile arms, she's never seemed so small, even when they were small "is she—" but he doesn't bare to finish the question, Regulus knees buckle because he hadn't even thought of that and he didn't remember her chest raising and falling throughout the whole bus ride. James catches him and he sobs "Sirius!" only then Regulus notices Sirius hovering over the ground in his broom, a white face with fear worse than when their mum was about to punish him "Get my mum!" James startles him out of his trance and his black mane soars through the sky and into the house in lightning speed "It's okay, Reg, you're okay" James rubbed his back but he couldn't stop staring at the small body, half in his hand and half on the ground. Their parents hadn't even bothered to make sure she was breathing, just dumped them out on the street. He hates them. He thought he loved them but Sirius is right, they must hate them.
Sirius runs to them, Mrs Potter trailing behind him "Urse" he kneels in front of them and his eyes swell with tears because she isn't waking up, she should be waking up by now, she should be awake.
"What happened?!" Euphemia Potter rushes over to them, her wand in her hand
"He— Cru—" is all Regulus can get out before he chokes on them
“Oh, priy , it’s gonna be alright, you’re safe now” Euphie assures him
"Our mother did this?" Sirius clenches his fists, knuckles turned white, his voice sounds icy, deadly. Regulus shakes his head as Euphemia runs a diagnostic spell.
"She should be alright, I can heal her throat and the fractures in her mind should stitch themselves back up on their own. Lets get her inside, I'll see if I can help speed up the process, but she’s gonna be alright" James carefully takes her from Regulus' trembling arms and carries her inside.
"Who did this?” Regulus sees the storm contained in his brother's eyes “Who did this to her?!"
"The Dark Lord" Sirius draws in a breath
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
She said
All the things she said
All the things she said