Remus was pulled into a dark cupboard with a gentle yank. He still wasn’t used to it, yet, the thrill that went down his spine the moment he felt thin long fingers of Sirius Black wrap around his wrist was something he’d never trade for anything in the world.
“Hi, love,” Sirius whispered, reaching up to kiss behind Remus’ ear and down his neck, every touch leaving a burning mark on his skin, invisible to the naked eye. Remus knew he shouldn’t be there, shouldn’t even be this close to Sirius, but he couldn’t find a single cell in his body strong enough to care.
“We’re supposed to meet Prongs and–” Remus’ whisper was cut off by a pair of lips crashing into his own. Not a single cell.
“Were we? It’s funny, I always forget around you, Moony,” Sirius said into Remus’ mouth as Remus pushed his hands into Sirius’ hair, resting his forehead against his.
Remus hummed, a smile forcing on his lips. Sirius had that effect on him, a tragically embarrassing one at that. He couldn’t help but grin like an idiot around him. But he was alright with it, Sirius was worth smiling for, he was Remus’ smile, if he was honest. But these were the things Remus would never say out loud, never tell Sirius, never let himself even think about long enough.
“Really, we should—” Remus swallowed, brushing his nose against Sirius’ cheek. This is enough, it has to be.
“Oh, come one, Moony. James and Pete can wait,” Sirius whispered and turned his head to reach Remus’ lips. And Remus let him, he had no control over himself around Sirius, no willingness to push him away. He just melted in Sirius' grasp, feeling their skin burn into one another, until he was just bones and an aching heart. Because that’s what he was, in the end. A big mess of hurt and tears, and letting Sirius this close was like shaking salt on an open wound. It bled and it flashed with pain, but Remus was weak, oh so weak.
Touching Sirius was a cruel reminder screeching in his head. He doesn’t want you, he isn’t really here, he has urges and you were close and easy, Remus.
Truth was, Remus was easy, for Sirius, that is. How could he not?
This is enough, he thought, as Sirius kissed him slowly. At least I have him, even if it’s far, far away.
“Moony,” Sirius whimpered, pressing closer. At least that aching reality could be filled with this, with Remus’ name rolling off Sirius’ tongue as if he needed him, wanted him.
Remus was in the library as usual, not really feeling like going to dinner. He wasn’t sure he even wanted to see Sirius right now, the bit in his stomach grew every time he was near. A feeling so heavy and pathetic Remus thought he might slip if he wasn’t careful. So there he was, how pitiful.
“Hi.”
Remus raised his eyes from his notes. A girl with dark long hair and a wide smile was standing before him.
“Alright?” Remus nodded, glancing around. He wasn’t sure if he knew who she was.
When the girl didn’t move, Remus blinked up at her again and cleared his throat awkwardly. “Can I help you?”
“Oh, sorry. Er– I don’t– I’m Olivia,” the girl stretched out her hand, the smile still as wide as the sky. Remus shook her hand and tried to smile, too, so he wouldn’t come across rude. “Remus,” he nodded.
“Ah, I know. We have magical creatures together,” Olivia said quickly, her voice rambling a bit. She wasn’t quite looking Remus in the eye.
Suddenly, Remus felt like an idiot for not knowing, he’s taken the class for two bloody years. She had a Hufflepuff tie around her neck, which matched her sunflower earrings. And then Remus did remember a girl in his class who always wore ridiculously big jewelry.
“Oh, I’m sorry for…I’m just tired I guess,” Remus said, embarrassment tugging on him.
“Oh, it’s alright, really,” Olivia waved him off. She was chewing on the inside of her cheek nervously, gripping the book in her hands until her knuckles were white.
“You alright?” Remus asked, trying to catch her eyes. She took an uneven breath and nodded.
“I just wanted to ask if…You know it’s Hogsmeade this week and I wanted to ask if maybe, you’d come with…me?” She spit it out so quickly Remus almost didn’t catch it. But, oh, he did. Shit, shit, shit.
He’d been treading this. Girls. Having to turn them down, because he was so painfully hung up on his best mate. He wished he could explain it to them, to tell them it wasn’t their fault, but how could he? It wasn’t an everyday occurrence that the bloke you asked out was so painfully into blokes too.
Remus kept opening and shutting his mouth, not sure what to say. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings, she looked hopeful and nervous and giddy. And she was beautiful, too. Remus wished he could have appreciated that beauty differently. But he couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried.
“Remus!” an all too familiar voice made his eyes snap behind Olivia. It was Sirius.
Olivia turned around as well, making Sirius stop in his tracks. His grin fell as his brows slumped together. Remus gripped the edge of the table, grounding himself.
When Sirius was done blinking at Olivia, he turned to look at Remus, his eyes flashing.
“Uh, Sirius, this is Olivia. We have magical creatures together.”
Olivia smiled at Sirius, which he didn’t return. He only nodded slowly, his jaw clenching.
“Ah,” he said tightly. “Right then, hope I’m not interrupting anything important, but I– we need Moony, so,” Sirius hastily grabbed Remus’ wrist and dragged him away from a very confused Olivia. Remus didn’t even have time to apologise to her, she was already out of sight.
“Sirius– my things,” Remus gritted his teeth, annoyance bubbling in him.
Sirius flicked his wand silently over his shoulder. Shortly, Remus’ stuff followed them in a tiny pile and Remus grabbed them with his free hand.
“What’s happened?” Remus asked, trying to ignore where Sirius’ fingers were burning into his skin. They were halfway through the library.
“You weren’t at dinner,” Sirius said bluntly, his hand tightening around Remus.
“That’s why you needed me?”
Sirius didn’t answer, only kept walking without even looking at Remus.
Sirius eventually let go of his hand after they’d entered the halls. Remus pushed down the painful sting in his chest caused by the small gesture.
“So, who’s Olivia?” Sirius asked, still staring very pointedly ahead.
Remus frowned. “I told you already, didn’t I?”
“From magical creatures?” Sirius asked, an edge to his voice. He briefly looked at Remus before shoving his hands into his pockets.
“Yeah,” Remus nodded.
“Ah,” Sirius raised his eyebrows, looking unconvinced. A group of second years passed them, pushing themselves through the two making them end up on separate sides of the hall.
“You don’t believe me?” Remus asked, dumbfounded, once the halls were clear again. He didn’t know why he needed to prove something to Sirius, he was the one who didn’t want them to be a big deal, after all.
“No, I believe you.”
“You don’t.”
“I do,” Sirius scoffed.
“You clearly don’t.”
“For fuck’s sake, Remus. I told you I do,” Sirius snapped and finally looked, rather glared, at him.
“Then why are you acting like that?” Remus fired, hastening his step.
“Like what?”
“Like you don’t believe me.”
“Well, why should I believe you?” Sirius caught up with Remus’ long strides.
“I don’t know, because we’re friends?” It sounded funny, calling Sirius a friend. It seemed to catch Sirius off guard as well, his step falling off rhythm a bit. He pushed past it quickly, though, and was at Remus’ side again.
“Hm, and Olivia is a friend, too?” Sirius spat her name like it was bitter on his tongue.
“No, I literally haven’t spoken to her before today,” Remus sighed. They were almost in the Great Hall, where Remus was impatient to get to, so Sirius would finally just drop it.
“She seemed awfully giddy to talk to you, though. What was so exciting you two were discussing then?” Sirius just didn’t know when to shut his stupid mouth, always pushing and edgind into Remus’ space and mind and on his mouth. Jesus christ, and to think they’d been snogging as if the world was ending that morning–
Oh
A brief realisation washed over Remus, setting him on fire in a completely different way. Was Sirius jealous? No, he couldn’t have been– he had wanted this, he hadwanted to be nothing more.
“Why is it your business, anyway, Padfoot?” Remus snapped. The doors were in sight, the little shine in Remus’ eye like an entrance to heaven.
“Oh, so it is something?”
“What?”
“Why was she there, Remus?” Sirius’ voice was rising at an alarmingly high speed and Remus panicked.
“Merlin, Sirius, it was nothing, she was just—” Remus lowered his voice, hoping Sirius would follow.
“She was what?” Sirius did not, in fact, follow his lead.
“Asking me to Hogsmeade, alright? Jesus fuck, are you happy now?” Remus whisper-shouted as he pushed open the doors to the Great Hall. Sirius looked as if Remus had just punched him in the gut, eyes wide and mouth sulken. Remus was too worked up to notice that Sirius didn’t follow him into the Hall.
“Where’s Padfoot?” Peter asked when Remus sat down.
“No idea,” Remus scoffed, failing to keep his temper in check.
Remus missed the alarming look Peter and James gave each other.
Sirius and Remus avoided each other like a plague the following days. Both of them shot each other sharp looks when together in a room, but sulked like children when they were alone. Remus was not going to explain himself to Sirius. He’d decided it was not his responsibility.
He did not go to Hogsmeade with Olivia, telling her some stupid excuse about studying and left it there. Olivia hadn’t pushed it either…Sirius had probably scared her off with his attitude.
That being said, Remus did start feeling like a piece of him had been torn away from him. Sirius’ touch ghosted over his body every step he made. Every morning he woke up Sirius was already gone or vice versa. He missed the thrill of Sirius’ muted murmurs against his mouth, telling him he was beautiful in the tender moments they shared in secret. He missed pushing his hands through Sirius’ hair and kissing his jaw, and the sound of delight Sirius let out when Remus did it.
Remus was constantly reminded of the fact that it hadn’t been that bad after Sirius had told Snape about Remus. He’d been scared and confused and so fucking sad, but most of all he’d been angry. So angry he had to lock himself in the bathroom for hours so he could calm down.
But right now it was different. Now, he was aching and frustrated and split in half over some stupid fight that techincally shouldn’t have even been one.
He was in love.
Fuck’s sake, he was in love and that made it a thousand times worse. When Sirius had told Snape, they hadn’t crossed that line. It was a thin line, sure, but a bloody trastic one, apparently.
What was worse, Remus couldn’t do anything about it, because he wasn’t supposed to be in love, he wasn’t supposed to fall so deep into the bliss of Sirius Black.
“What the fuck is going on, mate?” Peter demanded, rounding the dorm to sit at the foot of Remus’ bed. Sirius had just walked into the room and turned around instantly after he’d spotted Remus in his bed, slamming the door behind him.
“Nothing,” Remus grumbled, pulling the book on his lap closer, his heart heavy.
Peter scoffed, knocking his head back in disbelief. “That was nothing?” he gestured violently towards the door.
Remus shrugged. The words on the paper didn’t make sense anymore, blurring into one big mess of lines.
“Who are you trying to fool, mate?” Peter’s voice was high, it got like that when he was annoyed. “I’m fucking stressed over this!”
“Don’t be?” Remus glanced over the book.
Peter groaned. “Just tell me, then I know it’s not a big deal and I can breathe again.”
“Doesn’t my word count?” Remus smirked.
“No? You big soddy liar, I need the whole story,” Peter smacked Remus’ feet, making him squirm away.
“Stop fucking doing that,” Remus muttered scowling at him.
“James is talking to Sirius right now, I reckon,” Remus retorted, trying to keep his voice as bland as possible.
“No shit, so I’ll know if you lie,” Peter pointed an accusing finger at him.
Remus sighed. He had no idea what Sirius was going to tell James, he himself would have liked to know why Sirius was so mad at him.
“It’s really nothing, Pete,” Remus’ face twitched. Because it wasn’t nothing. With Sirius it was never nothing, no matter how much Remus tried to pretend like it was. Remus’ world seemed to start and end with Sirius, him lurking at every corner of his mind was not nothing. It was something.
“Then why does it feel like something?” Peter adjusted himself so he was sitting crisscrossed on Remus’ bed.
“Because you’re an overthinker,” Remus turned a page with no idea what had happened in the last.
“Not about this, no. This has got to be fucking huge, because–” Peter cut himself off, sensing he was about to touch a nerve.
Remus raised his eyebrows. “Because last time this happened it was fucking huge? Trust me, Pete, this is nothing, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“How come you’re both bloody sulking all the time then?”
“We’re…not?”
Was Sirius sulking when Remus wasn’t around?
“Just tell me. It’ll make you feel better too if you get it off your chest.”
A sudden overwhelming urge to spill his guts to Peter came over Remus. He’d been holding onto it with a tight grip, his claws digging into the secret, leaving heavy and deep marks. It hurt so much, it felt huge and Remus was tired, frankly.
“We got into a fight…of sorts,” Remus grumbled, pulling his knees closer to his chest and placing the open book on top of them.
“Yeah, we got that,” Peter nodded, but looked eager to know more, nonetheless.
“Christ, I might regret this,” Remus sighed more to himself than Peter, but the boy still took action. Because that was Peter, always concerned and ready to be there for Remus whenever. He might have been the best person Remus knew, his best friend.
“Remus, you know you can tell me anything in the world, yeah? I don’t think there’s anything you can say that I would make you regret or hold over your head,” Peter’s voice was quiet, his eyes full of compassion. Another would have mistaken it for pity, but Remus knew better, he knew Peter and he knew he was telling the truth. That didn’t make it any easier, though.
“You may change your mind after this one.”
“I won’t,” Peter shook his head fiercely, like a lion swinging its mane.
“You might.”
“I promise.”
“You can’t promise this, Wormtail.”
“Who says?”
“Society?”
“I’m better than them,” Peter waved him off with a sly smile. And Remus knew he was. Which is why he said what he said.
“I’m gay,” Remus’ whole body was as still as a stick, his shoulders tense and he was sure he wasn’t breathing. He had never said those words out loud. Those two tiny words that were supposed to define him until the day he died. The words might have been small, but they held a meaning that prepared Remus’ entire existence for waste, if said in front of the wrong person. He really hoped Peter wasn’t that person.
Peter blinked, his eyes defocusing for a second. Remus thought he was done for, that this was the moment he was supposed to try and save face, try to explain or say it was a joke. But he didn’t have the willpower to do that.
He watched as Peter’s eyebrows twitched and then his mouth fell open.
“Oh shit,” he gasped. “I mean I’m sorry, not for the fact that you’re…gay, just– fuck’s sake it makes so much sense now,” Peter rushed his words, one falling on top of another.
Remus frowned. “What does?”
Peter just gestured to him wildly. “Like, I don’t know, the way you never notice when girls flirt with you for instance. I thought you were just an oblivious prick or something but–”
Remus couldn’t help but laugh. “I do notice, I’m not stupid, Peter. It’s just easier to…not react?”
“Ah, I see, right. Of course you’re not stupid,” Peter sighed and after a second looked down to his hands, fiddling with his fingers.
“So, you just like blokes? What does this have to do with Siriu— wait did he find out and get mad at you?!” Peter whipped his eyes back up. He truly looked pissed, like he was ready to kick Sirius to oblivion. Remus had to bite his cheek not to smile. He would have never expected Peter to be this…this.
“No, no, nothing of the sorts,” Remus shook his head. One thing was out of the way, now to another. Problems never seemed to end with Remus.
Remus didn’t want to tell Peter that. About Sirius. Remus knew better than anyone how shitty it would be if someone took away his chance to tell others. He would never do that to Sirius, no matter how angry he was with him. Not even when he knew Peter wouldn’t care, it still wasn’t Remus’ business.
Unfortunately, while Remus thought about all that in silence, Peter had put the pieces together, because he was better than most.
“Did something happen between you two, then? Something…you know,” Peter whispered, like it was a delicate matter. Maybe it was.
“I don’t– I mean I don’t think I can tell you that, Pete, sorry,” he knew that by saying this, he’d already given Peter the answer, which was yes.
“Ah, I see, sorry,” Peter nodded, straightening up a bit.
They sat in silence for a while, Remus fiddling with the hem of his sweater and Peter watching him with a slightly furrowed brow.
“Just, hypothetically, may I add,” Peter broke the silence, and Remus glanced up to see a smile curling on his lips. “If something did happen, which has caused you two to fight, and I’m not saying it did happen. I think you should still talk to him, as it is a pretty delicate matter given where we are in this world. And knowing you two, you often leave things unsaid, which is a fact not a theory.”
Remus grinned, and nodded softly. “Yeah, at times.”
“Nah, all the bloody time.”
“Alright, all the time,” Remus knocked his head back against the headboard.
“Plus, we all know Sirius’ eyes say more than his mouth, surprisingly. That being said, he would do anything for you, Remus, and that’s no small thing. Again, all this is hypothetical and I’m not saying Sirius fancies blokes by any means,” Peter said the last part with such forced accuracy that it made Remus laugh again.
Remus had a hard time believing him, but it felt nice to hear it from someone or something else that wasn’t Sirius’ drunken words drowning with euphoria, when he wasn't thinking.
“Thanks, mate.”
“Anytime.”
Remus did not talk to Sirius. He had no idea how to approach him or the matter. He tried to keep going with his days normally, which was impossible because now there was Peter too, giving him pointed looks whenever Remus and Sirius were in the same room together (not often).
He hid out in the library, where he was certain he wouldn’t run into Peter nor Sirius.
He didn’t think he would run into Olivia, though. He hadn’t really thought about it, really.
“Oh, hi, Remus,” she came out of nowhere again, like last time. Remus looked up from his work and nodded tightly.
“Hi,” he said and was about to turn back to the essay that wasn’t due until three weeks, but he had to do something.
“Ah, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, if I crossed any…boundaries with you by asking you to Hogsmeade. I just feel like you avoid me at any cost in class and I thought I’d make things right,” she didn’t seem as nervous as she’d been before. More collected and sure of herself, knowing that she was trying her best.
Remus couldn’t afford to be an arse, then. Even if he wanted to because he was so worked up with other things. Things that she technically caused without knowing.
“It’s alright, truly. You were just asking, nothing wrong with that, but I’m just really trying to focus on my studies right now, which again, isn’t your fault,” Remus smiled politely, ready to be done with this. Lies slipped easily for him by now, he didn’t know if it’s something he should have been proud of. Probably not.
“Right, so we’re okay? I can breathe in class again?” she joked.
Remus snorted. “If you dare to.”
“I think I’ll take that risk,” she grinned.
Remus laughed, too, relaxing a bit.
That sweet moment of ease was grumbled to pieces when Remus saw Sirius standing at the end of the corridor. His hands were flopped on his sides, his brilliant grey eyes focused on Remus like he was the world spinning around him, except the world was on fire and he had to just sit and watch, because there was no use saving it anymore.
It shocked Remus how clearly the emotion was splattered across Sirius’ face. Like Remus had just cut his heart out with the most blunt knife to exist.
Sirius met his eyes and tucked his lips into a thin line before turning around and disappearing behind the bookshelves.
“Sorry, Olivia, I have to–” he didn’t finish the sentence as he was already on his feet and sprinting after Sirius.
He really had to stop doing that to Olivia, but Sirius was all he could think about.
“Sirius!” Remus spotted him a few metres ahead of him, walking stiffly towards the entrance. He ignored Remus’ calls.
“Shite, Sirius!” Remus caught up to him, chest heaving.
Sirius very purposefully, didn’t acknowledge Remus. Remus hated it, hated fighting with him, hated making him upset.
“Sirius, fuck’s sake, please stop.”
“No,” Sirius scoffed.
“Please, can’t we just talk?” Remus pleaded, they were almost at the entrance.
“I wanted to, but I think I saw enough,” Sirius grumbled, turning his head so Remus couldn’t see his face.
“You can’t just say that.”
“Why?”
“Because you don’t know anything, because you won’t fucking hear me out,” Remus felt the same heavy annoyance raise like before. Come to think of it, it was all exactly the same.
“Would you?” Sirius stopped so suddenly Remus almost stumbled over his feet.
“What?”
“Would you hear me out if I were to get cosy with a girl at some hidden corner of the library only I knew about?” Sirius raised his eyebrows at him. Remus couldn’t help but check if the halls were clear. They were.
“What? You do that all the bloody time, which isn’t even the point–”
“Really? When was the last time I snogged or even fucking made eyes to anyone who wasn’t you, Remus?” Sirius shouted, his voice echoing the halls.
Remus hated that he had to think about it, because when he did think about it, Sirius was right. Sirius was fucking right and he hated and loved it at the same time.
“It–”
“Fucking four months ago,” Sirius’ eyes became glassy with tears that Remus knew he despised it. Sirius hated crying. Remus wanted to hold him, just pull him close and hold him there and not let go. He didn’t know why he didn’t do that. Probably because he’s an idiot. A fucking idiot.
“But you– you didn’t want us to be anything other than that, you made it fucking clear.”
“What?” Sirius’ eyebrows shot to his hairline. “I never said that!”
Remus knew they were way past the point of Olivia and what Remus really wanted to say.
“You didn’t have to, because you never said anything else either!” Great, now Remus was crying, he forgot how much he hated crying as well. This felt so close to an end of sorts, he feared it was the end of them. Remus didn’t want this, he never did. All he’d ever wanted was Sirius and he was pushing him away with unsaid words.
Sirius’ mouth kept opening and closing, a single tear rolling down his cheek. Remus had no idea what he was about to say, he might have been walking blindly into a heartbreak so damaging he would not survive.
Walk away
Walk away
Walk away
Remus walked away, leaving Sirius staring after him.
He turned the corner, it felt weird, the turn. He sensed the absence of a silhouette, a strong one. Magic. He was sure.
He looked up, frowning, and saw James leaning against a wall with his hands in his pockets. As soon as he noticed Remus he straightened up, eyes full of questions. He didn’t ask them, though, just smiled apologetically.
“Thought you two might fancy some privacy,” he sighed.
Remus blinked. “You charmed the whole hallway?”
James nodded. “Silencing charm, I didn't hear anything if you’re worried about that.”
Remus was at loss of words, heartache and gratitude for James all blurring together.
“Pete and I heard shouting, he’s on the other side. We thought you two might say something you’ll regret if the whole school hears. One problem less,” James shrugged, coming across nonchalant, but Remus knew he was worried, he always was.
“Thanks, Prongs,” Remus muttered, wiping his eyes from fresh tears. “I’m gonna go if you don’t mind, sorry.”
James nodded instantly. “Yes, yeah, of course.”
“Remus, wait,” James interrupted.
Remus turned around. “Hm?”
“Will you be alright?”
No
“Yeah, Prongs. I always am.”
It was quite a bit of work for Remus not to fall apart on his journey back to the dorm. Every second he felt as if his knees might buckle and he wouldn’t be able to get back up again. He didn’t think he’d ever experience pain worse than his bones breaking into pieces on every full moon. Turns out, it was possible. At least there was that.
Days turned to weeks and weeks to a month. A long fucking month. It dragged and stretched into endless hours in self pity and ache that went bonedeep.
Sirius was there for the full moon. Remus didn’t know if he expected him to come or not and he wasn’t sure if he was glad that he did or not. Because when he did come it felt like a step towards healing, things going back to normal and trying to forget in order to be friends again.
Friends
They were able to be in the same room again and spoke when necessary. Mostly out of the mutual understanding that they were putting James and Peter into a tight spot if they didn’t at least try to be civil.
Remus did not feel better, actually he felt worse than ever. The absence of Sirius was so damaging and was like silent suffocation. But he had to deal with it, he’d get over it, he’d try.
Remus steered clear from Olivia, not because he didn’t like her, but he didn’t want to remember anything of her and the issues her presence revealed in Remus and Sirius.
Remus often spent hours to and end in bed at night wondering if he and Sirius hadn’t crossed that line, would it hurt less? Just pining after Sirius, would it be as bad? He didn’t think so.
It was a night particularly like that when Remus heard whimpering. He held his breath to make sure he really did hear it. After a few seconds, there it was again.
Remus sat up and silently pulled the curtain aside. Someone was crying, someone whose bed was right beside Remus’.
Sirius.
All Remus’ common sense ran out of the window as he rushed up and took careful steps towards Sirius’ bed.
“Sirius?” he whispered.
The crying stopped in a halt. He heard Sirius shifting in his bed and after a while of silence, Sirius spoke.
“Moony?” Sirius’ voice was strained from crying, Remus felt his heart break all over again. He’d give anything to make Sirius feel alright, his entire being, truly.
“Yeah,” Remus whispered softly. “Are you alright?”
He heard Sirius sigh a humourless laugh and then he sniffed. “No.”
They fell silent again, just a thick layer of curtain between them, yet pulling it aside came across so difficult.
Remus bit his lip, considering his options. There weren’t many, the most influential one being Sirius. Go to Sirius.
“Can I…?” Remus whispered so quietly, he was afraid Sirius didn’t hear him.
Apparently, he did, since Remus heard a shift inside and then a soft “yeah”.
Remus wasted no time pulling the curtain silently aside and climbing into Sirius’ bed. Sirius’ eyes were puffy and red, strands of his hair stuck to his tearstained face. Remus tried to ignore how beautiful he still looked. Sirius would always be beautiful to Remus. The fact hadn’t wavered since the first day they met in 1971. Remus remembered so clearly how the very first thing he had thought of when he’d seen Sirius was beautiful. Unimaginably and utterly beautiful. A painting so unflawed that people would pay thousands to just see.
“Wanna talk about it?” Remus whispered, fighting with himself not to reach out and pull Sirius into his arms.
Sirius shook his head, eyes fixed on Remus. He was cruelly reminded of the small moments together just a month ago.
“Sirius, I know that we didn’t–” Oh, Remus didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to admit it, he’d pushed it to the furthest corner in his mind and locked it up tight.
But he still opened it up without a second thought, because Sirius needed him and Remus would suffer whatever pain for Sirius.
“-end on such great terms, but we were best friends above anything else, right? I don’t want you to keep things to yourself if they’re hurting you,” Remus almost choked on those words, each one tasting bitter in his mouth.
Sirius visibly stiffened, his shoulders growing tense and his face twitching. He stared at Remus for a silent beat before his eyes filled up again and he turned his face into his pillow, letting out a muffled sob.
“Fuck,” he hiccuped, pressing his palm to his mouth.
Remus felt his heart split into half as he finally scooched closer and wrapped his hands around Sirius’ shaking frame.
“It’s alright,” he whispered into Sirius’ hair.
Remus felt Sirius shake his head under his chin. Remus pulled away a little to get a better look at him.
Sirius looked up at him and let out an uneven breath. “I can’t, Remus.”
“What?”
“I can’t be your fucking friend, when–” he brought his hand up to rest behind Remus’ head. Remus heart beat against his ribcage, sparks going off in his chest at the small movement.
“I just can’t believe I finally fucking had you, after three bloody years, I finally got to touch you and kiss you and I can’t forgive myself for letting you go that easily,” Sirius’ breath hitched.
Remus’ head spinned, his ears couldn’t quite believe themselves. Three years.
Sirius Black had wanted him for three years. Remus suddenly realised his own soddy stupidity. Like cold water being dumped on his head.
“And now it looks like you’re over me and I really fucking messed up, because I should’ve told you,” he whispered, his fingertips brushing over Remus’ cheek and then over the scar that lay across his face, starting from the corner of his right eye and ending in the middle of his left cheek. Sirius had always loved that scar, since they’d met. He was always talking about it or trying to touch it, he did it so gently, too, like it was something so fragile and meaningful for him. He even used to kiss it, which never failed to send Remus into a spiral.
“Told me?” Remus whispered, his voice so tender he was afraid it might break before it ever left his lips.
Sirius met his eyes, grey bleeding into brown, and finally he brushed his thumb over Remus’ bottom lip, like he used to before he kissed him. Remus thought his heart may spill out of his chest.
“That I love you.”
Remus wasted no time bringing his mouth to Sirius’. Sirius answered with no hesitation and locked his hand around Remus’ neck as he pulled him closer, as if he couldn’t get enough, and finally, Remus believed him. Oh, Remus had missed this: Sirius’ hands, his hair, his voice, his mouth, his everything.
Sirius loved him
Sirius loved him
Sirius’ lips were exactly like they were a month ago, perfectly fitting with Remus’ as they moved in sync, so ideally made for each other. Remus pushed his hand into Sirius’ hair, making him gasp.
“Moony,” he whispered against Remus’ lips.
“Hm?” Remus cracked his eyes open and rested his forehead against Sirius.
“Don’t ever leave me again, please, even if I’m a complete arse,” he wrapped his leg around Remus’ waist.
“I won’t,” Remus shook his head as he left a trail of kisses down Sirius’ jaw.
“Yeah?” Sirius turned his head to catch Remus’ mouth with his own. Remus practically melted against Sirius’ lips. He never thought he would end up here, with Sirius in his arms, telling Remus not to leave him. His fourteen-year-old self would have been so fucking jealous, good riddance.
Remus sat up on his elbow to push Sirius further into the pillows and kissed him as if it was the last thing he did. Sirius sighed with delight and grabbed a fistful of Remus’ shirt as he pulled him closer.
“Wait, Sirius,” Remus broke away, just so slightly that his lips were still brushing against Sirius’ as he spoke.
“What?” he asked, eyes dreamy, his face tinted pink and his lips plump and red.
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful
“I love you, too.”