“James…james….james oh my god wake up! You;re clung to be like a koala!”
James grumbled and held peter tighter as he brought his face up to peters cheek and kissed him “shut up i'm trying to sleep” he murmurs before leaning back into the pillow again, to which peter groans and attempts to wake a sleeping james again
“James, we have class, please get off of me” Peter pleads, making a mental note to start sleeping in his own bed again when he has earlier classes because- jesuis Christ James is heavy.
Even when they were younger James always used to tower above peter. They've known each other since they were eight and even then James has always been stronger, beefier, taller than peter. Not that Peter wasn't strong. Because anyone who knew peter knew that he was one of the strongest fucking people on this earth. He punched a wall once in second year and the hole he made is still there. Marked by a “ made by Peter Suanna Pettigrew , 1973” in black pen that Sirius had written after the entire incident. Peter still winces when he walks past it in the morning. That's besides the point. But James is still taller than peter. Always has been. He's rivalling Remus with his height, and Peter always jokes that by the time James is thirty, he will have 100% grown taller than remus. Which always makes James puff his chest out and Remus scoff. So he's started doing it a lot more.
“Fuck class, i hate class, i wanna stay in bed all day” james says still half asleep as he moves his head to peters chest, a way of james saying ‘if you love me, you’ll play with my hair’
Peter rolls his eyes and, to james’ wishes, plays with his hair. James is silent for a while and Peter realises that he's fallen straight back to sleep. So with a groan and shove, James falls off the bed and onto the floor earning a laugh from Sirius when he opens the curtains after hearing the thud.
“Was wondering when he’d do that” Sirius laughs, holding a hand out to James and pulling him up.
James scoffs and slides back into bed where he lays next to an unimpressed Peter “that” he says, turning to Peter and pointing a finger at him “was very, very, rude.”
Peter's lips quirk up into a sort of smile and he flips James off before stretching out of bed and opening the side curtains ``oh how very sorry I am, prongs. Now get up.” he hears a groan from James as he walks away from the bed and walks past Remus and Sirius, snogging by the mirror like they usually are, and into the bathroom.
Their first class that day is transfiguration. Which is good. Minnie always lets the boys sit together, Peter and Remus sit on one table, Sirius and James sit on the table next to them, and Mary and Lily sit at the end table. They've sort of had this system since the first year when it became clear that Lily was the smartest and they've been using her for notes ever since. A chain of notes being passed around the classroom all in lily evans’ neat handwriting and colourful markers. They change the seating plan sometimes, in accordance to James and Sirius being clingy and wanting to spend time with their boyfriends. Peter never minded it so much, well, he did but only when James was being especially chattery. Which just so included that day.
“Pete” james whispers, moving his head closer to his as minerva turns around to write something on the chalk board “what the fuck is she talking about?”
Peter takes a deep breath, “your mum” he says, which earns a small slap to his arm and a laugh from Remus who overheard it. “Ouch?!”
James scoffss “twat, dunno why im still dating you. You pushed me out of bed this morning, didn't let me eat the last bowl of strawberries at breakfast, and now you’re talking about my dear mum!”
Peter laughs and places his quill on the desk as he looks over at a pouting james ``you're still dating me because, one, you'd be absolutely lost without me, two, you think i'm the prettiest person ever, and three, you've been in love with me since we were eight. So shut your mouth potter, and do the work”
James scoffs and rolls his eyes “everytime you bring up the eight thing”
“It's a very important factor to our relationship”
“How is that very important”
Peter shrugs, hiding a smile “it makes it easier to tease you with”
“Oh you are unbelievable”
“No” peter says with a hint of humour in his voice “im peter”
James stares at him with a monotone expression and turns his head towards the front “im absolutely breaking up with you” he huffs out
“Oh alright” Peter says in a calm voice “it's been a fun run, james. Wish you the best in life”
James drops his head to the table and instinctively peter presses a small kiss to the back of his neck
“You are not charming you way out of this one” james’ voice is muffled by the wood as he speaks
Peter hums and kisses him again, causing James to lift his head up and look at Peter “am I not?”
James shakes his head “no. no you are not”
Peter nods “james?” James turns to look at him “since you’re newly single, would you like to go on a date with me tonight” and james' eyes light up.
James with those honey brown eyes and soft dopey smile has always been Peter's one true weakness. Peter was twelve when he first realised he was madly and utterly in love with james. The news came as no shock to everyone else who had actually presumed Peter and James were dating since they first arrived at hogwarts.
Peter took a deep breath and looked at the sofa filled with his best friends “im gay” he said in a croakey voice, swallowing down saliva before taking a sip of the water he conjured up.
Lily and Remus shared a look with Sirius before turning to Peter “yeah…we know?” Sirius said, tilting his head slightly as he looked at Peter with a confused expression.
“You what-”
“Pete, you and james have been dating for like a year” remus says matching the same expression as sirius’
“Huh? What? No- no we haven't? James is my best friend” and oh how badly Peter wants it to be more than that. He wants the hugs to be non platonic and the small forehead kisses to mean something more than he thinks they do. He wants James to hold hands with him in the courtyard and kiss him like he’s seen his parents do thousands of times. It's pathetic how badly he wants james.
“Right wel, if James is your best friend then I'm afraid to tell you that what you two have been doing is so un-platonic that you’re dating each other” Peter blinks at Lily a few times, trying to process what the red head actually just said to him.
He goes to open his mouth to say something in protest but as soon as he does, James walks in with a big grin on his face, stopping and frowning when he sees everyone in the common room “are you meeting without me again?” james says with sad eyes and peter wants to run forwards and kiss him all better, until all the hurt is out of his life
“Pete’s telling us about how hes gay” sirius says, leaning back and crossing his arms in true sirius black fashion
James’ eyes light up and he looks at Peter “oh! I'm proud of you, love!” he says, bounding over to Peter and kissing him on the forehead. Just like he does every night and every morning. But that's completely platonic. Right?
Lily hums from opposite them “hey potter?” she asks as james turns around “how long have you and peter been dating?”
James rolls his eyes “fuck if i know, never been good with dates”
W H A T
Peter feels his heart stop and he has an internal panic attack as James sits next to him on the small sofa. There is barely any room between them. Oh my god he can't breathe
“What” he punches out, throat immediately becoming dry.
The other three left the room a few seconds ago and now it's just Peter and James and Peter is cursing the lot of them out in his head and thinking of every jinx and charm he can use to pay them back at a later stage.
“Peter, are you okay?” James asks, reaching forwards and holding Peter's cheek in his hands. peter always feels like the sun when james is holding him.
Peter could fucking combust right now,
“Dating?!”
James blinks a few times and squints his eyes “Pete, did you not know that we’re dating?” he asks with a slight hint of humour to his voice.
Peter shakes his head and stands up abruptly because being too close to James Potter at this moment makes him feel like he's going to burn up. Or throw up.
“No?!” he practically screams.
James, the fucking cunt, has the audacity to laugh. LAUGH. Here peter is, going through a midlife crisis at twelve and a half years old and james is fucking laughing.
“Do you not want us to date?” Let's not be too hasty, potter.
Peter immediately shakes his head and james stands up, walking towards peter slowly “no- i mean- i didnt even- fucking hell”
Peter thinks he might actually fucking pass out. And james. James just stood there. With a smile and his golden fucking eyes, and honey brown skin, looking like a fucking greek god. Peter wants to slap him.
Or kiss him.
“Okay okay, let me rephrase. Peter, do you want to date me?”
Peter literally can't get the words out even if he tried. Don't you go around judging him, if james potter was standing two inches away from you looking like that and asking if you wanted to date him how would you react?!
He can't speak. But he can move. And within seconds peter is in james arms, kissing the dear bloody life out of him.
and james. oh james is holding him tight. its all peters ever wanted. james potter holding him and kissing him and- he loves him so much.
“I love you” is all he can manage to say. “Jesus, james i love you” he thinks he could die right here right now. And it would be a hell of a way to go. Snogging James potter.
“I love you too.”
“Pete” james says, tanging his hands in peters hair and braiding the soft blonde locks
“Hm?” peter hums in content
“This war, I know it's not looking good but, do you think we’ll win it?” james asks in a tight voice, like its paining him to say it.
Peter takes a deep breath and looks at James “yeah, I think we’ll win. Love conquers all” he says with a soft smile.
James lets out a breath and shuffles them both so they’re facing each other. “I love you” he whispers out like it's a secret just for them. Because even after seven years of dating, james still holds peters love like it's the greatest thing of all time
“I love you too, james”
There's something to be noted about the way that James and Peter love each other. Because it's always just been them both together. Ever since Hogwarts it has been James and peter. And they don't exactly profess their love out in public. But it seems like everyone who's around James and Peter knows about them. And maybe that's because they've known each other for so long that they just predict each other's next move and next want, or maybe it's because they always seem to be on the same page about everything. But Peter has always been able to predict James, and James has always been able to predict peter.
Except for this. James could have never predicted this.
“What are you saying” james asks, his voice wavering as he grips onto the kitchen counter for support
“I dont- i dont love you anymore”
“Bullshit.'' James says immediately, looking at Peter with so much intensity Peter thinks he's going to die.
“Please don't make this harder than it has to be '' Peter sounds like he's begging. And maybe he is. Begging James to see through him and to believe him. Begging James to let Peter go because oh my god has Peter been regretting this day ever since they started dating each other.
“Harder than it has to be?!” James spits out venom from a snake. “I dont fucking get what youre saying?! What happened to ‘I will always love you James’ what happened to ‘me and you together, forever’? Because just last night you were kissing me and saying how much you were in love with me, and now- now I'm just supposed to accept the fact that in less than twelve hours you’ve changed your mind?” Peter wants to die. He wants James to kill him so this can be over with. And yet in a sense James is killing him. The look in his eyes, the tears that are spilling out of james’ eyes. He's never regretted his decision more than right now.
He opened his mouth. Nothing comes out. His heart feels like it's breaking into a million different pieces and Peter can't stand it. He can't stand to look at James because with every minute that he does he wants to fix what he broke. Wants to take James in his hands and mend his broken heart. The heart that he broke. He doesn't say anything. He turns on his heel and walks out of their kitchen. Out of their house. Down their garden. And out their gate.
The next time Peter sees James is on halloween. He shows up at his door. The dark lord behind him knocks, he sees james’ face from the window and his breathing stops. He knows what's about to happen. He knows that james potter is about to die at the hands of peter pettigrew, he's about to kill the love of his life.
“Peter” James croaks out.
Peter doesn't get a chance to speak before the dark lord comes up from behind him. He sees the flash on james’ face as he realises. The look of anger and sadness and pain as he looks back at Peter with tears in his eyes. Peter fucking hates himself. It goes by in a flash. There's the screams of little baby Harry, the bright flash of green and James is laying on the floor. dead. hes dead and gone and its all peters fault.
“What have i done” peter whispers to himself as he falls to his knees and holds james’ dead body in his hands “what have i fucking done” he cries out, pleading with the universe to kill him next. Let him be the next to die. He can't do this without james. He killed james. he killed james.
Oh god.
He killed james.
“Pettigrew” voldemort sneers when he walks down the stairs “leave him. We have other business to attend”
Peter can't let go of james. He can't. He doesn't want to. He wants to go back to fifth year when they were madly in love and nothing could hurt them. He wants to erase time. He looks up at Voldemort, tears in his eyes. And he begs.
“Kill me. Please- please kill me- i have nothing please oh my god please just fucking kill me” he repeats it over and over again. Tears bursting from his eyes as he begs for death. Begs to be with James in the afterlife even if James will never forgive him. He needs death. He needs james. What has he done?
Sirius finds him. Of course he does. The only thing stronger than a killing curse is Sirius blacks’ love for James potter. He supposes he deserves this. The fatal final blow from Sirius' wand. He falls back and into the abyss. But he’s not dead. He wishes he was. He really wishes he was dead. He runs and runs and runs and doesn't stop until he's finally found his safe haven. Or what seems like a safe haven but is actually just Ronald Weasley's bedroom. It’ll do. It's better than death. Or maybe worse. Anywhere without James is worse.
“What’re you thinking about?” james asks one night, they're both tucked in bed and trying to fall asleep
“You” Peter says without adding much thought to it. Because it was true.
“What about me?”
“Just, you. I'm always thinking about you, james”
Peter Pettigrew killed James potter.
Peter Pettigrew killed the love of his life.