Mask
Regulus thought about forgetting stuff a lot now, and the more he thought about it, the more he kind of wished he could forget things. I mean he loves not having to reread things to actually understand them, but it would be nice to forget the details of different things over the years, Sirius’ punishments as a child for one example. Or, it would be nice to forget some of the cruel things his mother would tell him.
It would be nice to forget that day in front of the mirror of erised. It would be nice to forget what each marauder saw in the mirror that day. Would be nice to forget the confusion that appeared on Sirius’ face with he noticed his family was smiling at him.
Regulus thinks over that day constantly now. He has loosed up on the studying, like the marauders told him to once they realized how much time he had spent reading on it. Now, he just analyzes that day over and over again. He’s come to a few conclusions of what they saw in the mirror. Sirius just wants his family to be proud of him, or happy in general. Peter wants to be considered an equal. Remus wants to be ‘normal’, and, this is when it gets uncertain, he is in love with Sirius. Regulus knows that’s a stretch, but everything lines up so well.
James, he has been the hardest, Regulus’ best guess is that Lily was a cover up, and whoever he saw in the mirror, was not someone that his friends knew about. Regulus felt like this one was even more of a stretch, but it could possibly be a guy. The small slip up in his words. That’s the closest Regulus has gotten to what James saw.
He also thinks about what he saw personally in that mirror. He thinks about himself as a woman. Maybe he’d be desired like that. He wants to fit into the picture like Lily had, but he simply knew he wouldn’t. He’d look as out of place as a dog surround by cats.
Regulus knew that the marauders were testing out spells to finally complete the map, but Regulus gave into his own curiosity. He ends up telling Remus that he’s tired, and he would like to go to bed early tonight.
Once the marauders couldn’t see him anymore, he maneuvered his way through the castle. His heart speeds up as he makes it to the corridor containing the mirror. He holds his breath as he hesitantly steps into the old classroom. He slowly walks up in front of the mirror. The first thing Regulus notices is the addition of Remus. Then, he notices that he’s not staring at Lily at all. Regulus stares at himself in the mirror, but instead of his downturned lips and void eyes, bright eyes and a passionate smile faces him instead.
Regulus study’s himself in the mirror, the way he fits against James perfectly. The way he didn’t flinch when Sirius’ hand was placed on his shoulder. He focused intently on the look on James’ face. Something in it had changed, instead of how it looked whenever he would look at Lily, it was how he looked at whoever he had seen in the mirror. Regulus lets his mind run through all the possibilities. He lets his mind wonder, and he simply stares at this perfect scenario in the mirror.
He can feel the time passing by, but Regulus doesn’t move. He stays still, staring at this scene. He looks so happy, careless. And, if Regulus didn’t ache for anything in that reflection, he certainly did ache to feel just like that.
Regulus tore his gaze from the mirror, and he had to force himself to calm himself. His hands were shaking, and his thoughts were wild. Eventually, Regulus casts himself in a disillusionment spell. He’s startled when he runs into seemingly nothing as he walks through the classroom door.
His heart jumps as the marauders materializes in front of him. Regulus quickly looks around for anyone else. His heart is racing. His mind still on the mirror that’s just behind him. “What are you doing out so late, Regulus?” Sirius questions. Regulus just looks to the other’s confused on how they even knew. When he sees the parchment in James’ grip, he feels it fall into place.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Regulus tries. He forces himself past the others. He flinched as someone grabs his wrist. He wished he didn’t.
“You’ve been in here for hours. We finished this maybe two hours ago. We’ve been wanting to make sure you get to bed,” Remus explains. He drops Regulus wrist as soon as Regulus turns around. Regulus is trying desperately not to let his mask fall. He doesn’t want to hurt them; he knows he will.
“Well, I appreciate your ever flowing kindness, but I think I’m capable of walking back to my dormitory myself,” Regulus notes. He watches the effect on each one of their faces. The shock on James’. The confusion on Remus’. The slight worry on Sirius’. The hesitancy on Peter’s.
“We aren’t trying to babysit you, Regulus. We were merely concerned, you know, because we considered you our friend,” Remus’ voice is sharp. It’s unlike Sirius’ or even their mother’s has been. It’s not out rightly mean, but it hurts. It sliced right through Regulus’ mask. He tries not to let it show.
“Well, thank god your here, right? Might’ve run into a centaur on my way back,” Regulus’ voice is quiet and piercing. He watches as Sirius’ face twists in anger; that causes Regulus’ heart to clench in his chest.
“Don’t start, Regulus. You know, the only reason you’re even still apart of this group is because Remus wants you around. Hell, I wanted you around, but that can change real fucking quick.“ Regulus watches with empty lungs as Sirius stepped forward. His eyes look just barely duller than Remus’. The way he stepped towards Regulus made him want to curl up to avoid what he’s sure will come next.
“I can stop talking to you guys right now, and that would have no effect on me whatsoever.” Lies. “But you guys? I have piles of secrets on you all. I know more than you think; I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine me having seen. I remember every detail of it too,” Regulus states. He sees those words strike. He sees the widening of eyes. Regulus feels like he’s being grabbed by the throat as James begins talking.
“Don’t you dare threaten us, Regulus. I can promise you that it will not end the way you think it will.” James’ voice is as Regulus has never heard. It’s sharp and harmful. Regulus feels his insides crack. He doesn’t let anything show, but he feels like he’s falling apart. He can’t even think straight.
“I don’t think you’re in any place to say that to me. What could you possibly have on me that I do not have something to match it with equally?” Regulus hopes they don’t notice the dullness of his voice, or the slight catch in his words. His hands shake from the pain striking his heart in his chest. “You don’t know anything about me.” That probably hurts the most because, at the end of the day, it’s true. They don’t know anything about him and his thoughts. They know a lot about his memory and his will, but what do they even see other than that? They know absolutely nothing about the boy behind his name and intelligence.
They stand in silence as that sits among them. Regulus feels the unsteadiness in his bones. He feels the fragility of this moment in the skin. He watches quietly as his own words sit in between him and the people he had begun to like.
“Then show us,” James whispered. Out of all the possible ways of breaking it, James somehow found the exact way to keep it perfectly intact. “Let us know you.”