Lily has known who she was for a long time. For most people it takes years for them to discover themselves. But from a very early age Lily knew who she was. She knew she was different, she knew that she wasn't the person that everyone thought she was. She had done her best to blend in, to make herself invisible, a figure in the crowd so that no one could look behind the performance that she put on each and every day. And she succeeded, that was until she met James potter.
When she first met him, she didn't think anything of it. She despised him of course, he was everything that terrified her. He was loud, obnoxious, impulsive, and she thought he was a bully quite frankly. She knew that Snape wasn't exactly the nicest person to be around, but he was her best friend and she knew a side of him that no one else did. And just because he wasn't the nicest to everyone, shouldnt give Potter and his gang of idiots a reason to torment him.
It wasn't until she met Remus Lupin, who she became close with quickly, that she started to see how cruel Snape could be. Lily was smart, and it didn't take her long for her to realize that he was a werewolf. But it was his secret to tell, and it didn't matter to her. However she wasn't the only one to figure it out, and it was soon after that she saw her best friend start to torment and threaten someone she cared about. It was around this time that Potter began to be vocal about how he felt towards her. Big obnoxious decelerations of attraction, consistently asking her out. It went on all of fourth year.
When the final breaking point came, that ended lilys and snape's friendship for good. She snapped. She was tired of Potter singling her out, drawing attention to her for his enjoyment. She was tired of being in the center spotlight, she was just tired. So she snapped, but she wasn't expecting the reaction she got. She had yelled and yelled at potter. Went on and on about his arrogance, his immaturity, everything about him. By the end he had shrunk into himself, and was fighting back tears. She didn't care. Until she looked at Remus, who was looking at her with a look of shock and discontent. It broke her. So she ran.
She found herself in the astronomy tower, sitting on the edge of the railing, her legs dangling off the ledge, resting her head on the bars protecting people from rolling off the ledge. She watched the sunset as she silently cried, wishing she could just disappear from her world.
Then Mary found her. Mary. Mary was her lifeline, her best friend, and the only person she thinks she will ever truly love. Mary did not say anything, she didn't reprimand her, or shower her with superficial comforts. She sat next to her, put an arm around her, and let Lily collapse into her shoulder. They sat like that for a long time.
After that night, Lily talked to James. Explained to him that she was not gonna apologize for what happened, but she realized that she maybe went a bit overboard. James was surprisingly mature about it and they talked through everything and by the end she was glad that they were able to become friends.
By the time fifth year rolled around. Lily was quite content. She was still hiding herself away like she was a secret that would bring down the entire school if it was revealed. But she found solace in her friends. She had become quite close with James, which she would have never believed if she was told that a year prior. But he was a good friend and had matured significantly. He had also found a new conquest. A summer love that he was not quiet about sharing. She was happy for him, it meant he had moved on, and she no longer had to feel a sort of guilt for never being able to feel that way about him.
Mary was more beautiful than ever. This had become increasingly difficult for Lily to deal with. Mary had always been art, the kind of art you wanted to paint your eyelids with so that it was all you saw when you closed them. But Mary had come into her own. She was vibrant, funny, and confident, and was the single object of Lily's desire. Lily had never been more in love with her. But she was scared. She had never told anyone her secret. She didn't want to be the school pariah, and being the only out lesbian at Hogwarts, she didn't think anything else would happen. So she hid. But Mary was desired by many. And just because lily wasn't ready to be open about who she really was, didn't mean Mary couldn't date, or fall in love. And she did, date, but Lily could never bring herself to talk about the subject of love with Mary. No matter how selfish and guilty it made her feel, it would break her to know Mary loved someone else.
It was the idea of it that brought her to the astronomy tower, she laughed to herself a bit at the fact that it was almost identical to the year before, for different reasons of course. She missed dinner, she missed a study session with Remus, she didn't know how late it was until someone found her, but she couldn't bring herself to move.
When the door opened, she was surprised to see it was James that found her.
“James? What are you doing up here, did Remus send you”
“He did not, if it was up to him there would be an entire search party but i calmed him down and said that you just needed some time alone” said James
“And yet you're here” said Lily then immediately winced. He was being nice. “Sorry, thanks for talking Remus down, i'll apologize to him later”
James frowned a bit and sat across from her.
“You don't have to apologize for anything, and you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to but you can, '' said James.
“We can talk, but not about me, you're good at talking though so we can figure something out” said lily.
“Brilliant,” said James, grinning.
So they talked. About everything. About nothing. She couldn't tell. But she was feeling better and for that she was grateful. At some point James pulled out some food he bought for her, since she hadn't been at dinner, so they ate in silence for a bit, just in each other's company. When they were done, Lily became curious.
“Have you ever been in love?” said lily.
James looked at her for a long second with furrowed eyebrows, as if he was choosing his answer carefully. She could help but think she was missing something.
“Yeah” he said after a long sigh. “This summer, they're name was Alex, it was short lived, they were funny, and sweet, they hated sports funny enough”
“Oh no, and James Potter still fell in love,” said lily. “She must have really been something”
“Yeah, I guess they were,” said James, looking at his hands with a small smile.
“Are you still in love with Alex?” said lily.
“No, I don't think so,” he said.
“Why not”
“I think it's because I've always known there's someone better for me,” said James, looking out at the grounds.
Lily's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“Its crazy, i always knew that i liked them a lot, and every since we got back to Hogwarts and gotten closer”
Lily thought for a moment trying to figure out who she's seen James hang out with since they'd been back.
“basically this person, you know, the one i like, its someone that really i didn't get to truly know until this year”
Lily's heart dropped. No no no no, James please don't do this.
“I don't know why, probably because i was an idiot, and thought that i could charm them with my stupid antics, or declarations”
Damnit damnit damnit
“Cause when i think about it i should have been getting to know them this whole time, i mean first off she is hilarious, she's so funny without even meaning to be.”
Lily smiled a bit. Why do you have to be so bloody sweet you idiot.
“And they're smart, you know, they're at the top of our class, way smarter than me”
Lily grimaced, and wrapped her arms around her legs, burrowing her face into her arms. Why James, why me.
“They're just, unlike everyone I've met before”
Lily ran her hands through her hair. She could feel James' eyes on her.
“Lils? Lils you falling asleep on me” said James with a small laugh, clearly nervous.
Lily sighed. Oh you sweet idiot.
“No, I am still awake,” she said.
“So, what do you think?” said james.
“About?” said lily.
“this person”
“She sounds brilliant”
“She's awesome but what about the guy?” said James, becoming increasingly frustrated.
Why james why
“Look, he doesn't even know this girl, and if he did know her, like… like really know her, i dont think he'd even want to be her friend” said lily.
“No that's not true, no way is that true.”
“Listen to me James, it shocked me to my core. But I like you… i really like you, but i'm not like your other friends, and i'm not like this Alex”
“Lily, that's exactly why I like you,” said James.
“Do you remember when we talked last year, and i told you about Mcgonagall's class, about me being jealous and like obsessive” said lily
James nodded, confused and a bit sad. He hated thinking about last year.
“It isn't because i had a crush on you” said lily
“It's because…” Lily took a deep breath. This was it. “It's because, she wouldn't stop staring at you”
“Mcgonagal” said James, visibly confused.
Lily laughed a bit.
“Emmiline vance” said lily. “I wanted her to look at me, but she couldn’t pull her eyes away from you and your stupid hair… and i didn't understand why cause… you would get bread crumbs all over the floor, and you asked dumb questions, and you were a douche bag. And you didn't even like her and-, i would go back to my dorm, and scream into my pillow” said lily.
“But Emmeline Vance is a girl” said James, eyebrow raised.
Lily looked at him.
“James,” she said.
“Yeah” he said, still confused.
Lily cocked her head, looking at him more intensely.
“Oh” he said lightly.
“Oh?”
“Holy shit” said james
“Holy shit” lily repeated
James sat back, processing this new information.
Lily thought she might throw up. Why did she do this? What is wrong with her? She's gonna lose everything now.
“I mean yeah Emmeline Vance is cute and all but, i would think Mary would be the one you liked” said James.
Lily's eyes widened and looked away.
“Oh no way, you do don't you”
“Okay i think that's enough talked for tonight” said lily
“Oh hey no, no, no. Okay listen listen. I'm honored that you trusted me to tell me that. And I love you no matter what. AS A FRIEND, as a friend.” amended James when he saw Lily's eyes widened.
“Also, we're not as different as you might think,” said James.
Lily deadpanned.
“Why because we both like women?” said lily.
“I mean yes, BUT, also… Alex isn't only a girl's name” said James looking at the floor.
“OH” yelled Lily then slapped her hand over her mouth.
“Me saying they didn't tip you off?” said James.
“Oh excuse me for not focusing on that when I was about to come out to you,” said Lily.
They laughed for a beat, then let silence over take them.
“So” said James smiling
“So” said lily. Then she started laughing.
Then James started laughing.
Lily realized that she had never felt lighter. It felt like a huge wait had been lifted off her shoulders.
“Okay, okay” said James, calming down a bit.
“So, Mary,” he said.
“James!” said Lily, head falling back.
“Listen listen, I get it she's hot. You guys are really close right, soooooooo maybe just ask her out and see what she says” said James.
“Okay it's not that simple, '' said lily. “You ask out a girl and she says no, no big deal, nothing happens, maybe your ego’s a bit bruised but ultimately nothing, I ask out the wrong girl and then boom I'm the school priaha” said lily.
“Yes, except Mary is definitely not the wrong girl,” said James.
“We just don't know that, '' said lily.
“Oh my god, lily, okay, do you remember when Marlene smuggled in the muggle TV and we watched that like stupid slasher movie” said James.
“Friday the thirteenth” said lily.
“Yes! Okay so remember when we were watching the movie we kept having to hit Mary with pillows because she was so bored she would shut up” said James.
“Yes,” said Lily, laughing. The look on Mary's face whenever someone would wack her was the exact same no matter how many time it happened.
“ Well remember when those two girls went skinny dipping, I'm not even gonna wait for an answer of course you remember” said James.
“James get to the point” said lily
“Okay, impatient ass, that was the only time Mary was silent and actually paid attention, you know who pays attention to that scene” said James.
Lily raised her eyebrows.
“People who like boobies lily” said James
“Ew gross don't say boobies” said lily
“It's not a big deal lily, i like boobies, you like boobies… Mary likes boobies. Definitely” said James.
“You are an idiot,” said lily.
“No I'm right and you know it,” said James.
“Okay you have a point but that doesn't mean, OH” said both Lily and James, jumping as the door was thrown open.
Remus, Sirius and Mary walked in all looking annoyed.
“Okay” said remus. “what the hell”.
James and Lily looked at each other, and immediately dissolved into laughter.
I'm gonna be okay. Thought lily. And she really was.