They’d invited basically every Auror available to look after the students during the Yule Ball, not that anyone would know by looking at them. They seemed to be drinking more firewhiskey than any of the students. Alice had dragged Frank onto the stage at one point, pulling him across it in a dance as The Slammin Banshees jumped around them. Kingsley Shaklebolt was trying to drag them off the stage, but Alice, ever the expert at avoiding capture, had jumped over the drums in glee, flinging the curtains up as she'd made her dramatic escape.
Regulus hadn’t even understood in the first place why Hogwarts would throw a ball when the wizarding world was collapsing in on itself, but then again, Dumbledore had never been known for practicality. If anything, Regulus was sure he was attempting to learn something from the gathering of students all forced into one room together. It would be a great use of surveillance, he had to admit.
Not that it would matter to him what Dumbledore ended up concluding, as Regulus would be leaving directly after the Ball. And he didn’t plan on returning.
What he hadn’t expected was to run into his brother, or James for that matter. They were standing at the punch table, both looking worse for wear than when they'd graduated. They wore their smiles like armor, though, holding them in a blaze across their faces as they chatted to the young witches and wizards in front of them, serving drinks and every flavor beans that Regulus was sure had been charmed in one way or another to be particularly unpleasant. As the face of one of the girls flushed with red, flames shot from her ears and his suspicions were confirmed. Sirius broke into a laugh as the girl grabbed for punch, gulping it down in one go as she sunk into the floor. Only those who were close to the boys would be able to notice the wilt at the corner of their mouth, the dulling of their eyes, the soft slump of their posture.
And Regulus had been. Close to them, he meant. Once upon a time, he’d been closer to Sirius than anyone else in the world. And James. Well he was an almost that he refused to linger on for longer than necessary. No use in nostalgia now. Turning away from the table, he made his way to where most of the Slytherins were loitering about, some of them sending small hexes towards first years that Pandora and him took turns canceling out as subtly as possible.
Pandora had disappeared somewhere in the volume of the crowd, though, so he un-jellyfied a few legs alone as he searched for her around the room to no avail. She was probably off with Emmeline, getting high on the grounds while all of the professors were busy monitoring the dance.
It was in full swing. He couldn’t turn without getting wrapped up in feathered robes that constantly brushed against his face. Tingles traced down his cheeks, forcing shivers to run up his spine. Heat radiated from warming bodies, sweat slick upon the floor. Faces began to blur in front of him, faster than he could follow as they swarmed, getting more and more populated the longer he tried to regain his composure.
Regulus ducked towards the hallway, unable to keep himself in the crowded room for a moment longer. The loud clanging, the laughter climbing high against the backdrop of a song that was fighting to be heard in the crowd of screaming children. They were happy screams, he kept reminding himself they were happy screams, but his head had never been able to distinguish that very well.
He brought his finger up to his tie as he exited the Ballroom, pulling it away from his throat to help even out his breath. He sidestepped couples snogging along the walls. Someone bumped into him as he walked, knocking him into the wall where his arm slammed against it. A hundred needles stabbed against his forearm where the mark slithered vehemently against his skin, moving in annoyance at being harmed in such a way. Hiding the pain from his face, he kept walking, ignoring the apology that called after him as he went.
When he’d been granted permission by his parents to stay at Hogwarts for the Ball, he’d known that it would be the perfect time to fulfill his plan. He’d have a week after of break in which nobody would be looking for him, in which no one would be expecting him. So he’d decided to attend, to spend one last night thinking about all that could have been. To spend one last night forcing away the memories of all that he’d done.
But no amount of music could blast away his guilt. Mirrors took pleasure in reflecting it back to him, all of the people he had helped kill lingering upon his shoulders, resting their heads against his own with eyes much too young to be closed forever. He didn’t deserve to dance while the bodies he had turned away from had been blasted apart. Unidentifiable. That was the label of most of Voldemort’s victims. That’s what he deserved. To be unrecognizably, unremarkably forgotten. To be nothing but a blurred face in a crowd that no one seemed drawn to remembering.
He finally made it to the Astronomy tower, smiling despite himself as he took in the stars that seemed to be shining extra bright against the backdrop of black. The dreary day had opened into a clear night sky. For once, the universe had deemed him worthy of untainted beauty. For once, he was lucky.
“So he does smile,” a voice called from the side of him in a teasing tone, reminding him why he should never trust luck. James Potter quickly ran his hand through his dark, messy curls before sending him a lopsided grin so sincere that Regulus had to check behind his shoulder to make sure it was truly him who was receiving it. He frowned in response to the boy before shoving any other emotions down as far as they could possibly go.
“Only when I don’t have to see your face around, Potter.”
James reached a hand to his chest in mock offense, kicking off from the wall he’d been leaning against as he walked over to where Regulus stood, swinging his body to stare up into the sky alongside him while still positioning his body towards Regulus’. Regulus watched as he swallowed, feeling his own throat match before he cleared it and turned away from the sight momentarily.
James glanced back down at Regulus, seeming to take in the quick rise and fall of his chest. Regulus wiped the bit of sweat away from his forehead, pretending not to notice the way James’ eyes followed the movement of his hand.
“Were you just running? And here I thought you were too refined for that sort of activity.” James said, leaning forward as he held onto the railing.
“And here I thought you weren’t one to think at all,” Regulus replied coldly, hoping to get James to leave him alone.
But of course, James didn't take the hint. He paused momentarily before throwing his head back into a laugh, an ugly snort of a thing that lit up his entire face as if Regulus had just said the funniest joke he’d ever heard. Which he knew was a lie. He’d talked to Remus before, for Merlin’s sake.
James craned his neck back down, still smiling as he looked at Regulus again without making any move to further the conversation.
He looked so comfortable like that, leaning up against the railing. The stars sprinkling behind him as they were suddenly outshone by the light that James seemed to keep tucked into each crevice, each dimple, each fold of his skin. And here Regulus was, trying to escape from the heat and brightness only to run head first into the sun itself. He should be burning, he should be evaporating under James’ gaze, writhing in that look that seemed to trust that the morning would always come again. Why wouldn’t he believe it, he was the morning. He was the burst of color that promised a better day. And now, Regulus was trapped in the astronomy tower with that embodiment of goodness, who was probably only still here to make sure he wouldn’t be summoning any Dark Lord’s while out on his midnight stroll. He’d only done that one time and it hadn’t even worked.
“Sickle for your thoughts?” James had closed some of the distance between them, forcing Regulus to take another step back with a glare. He watched James' eyes squinting apologetically as he leaned away.
Regulus allowed his gaze to land on James who was nervously shifting on his feet under Regulus’ scrutiny. Looking him up and down, Regulus smirked, “I’m not that cheap, Potter, surely you can afford more than a sickle.” James’ eyes widened at the joke in obvious delight, taking the bait Regulus hadn’t meant to throw.
Before he knew it, James had reached forward, tucking a strand of Regulus’ curls behind his ear before pulling his hand away from him just as quickly. In between his pointer and middle finger he moved the shiny coin over and under his remaining fingers before taking Regulus’ palm and placing the coin inside of it.
“A galleon for your thoughts, then?”
Refusing to allow James to see the blush that was creeping up Regulus’ neck, he turned away with a huff, stuffing the coin into his pocket so that he could clench and unclench his warming hand without James noticing. He knew he was pouting, but he simply didn’t have it in him to care.
“Muggle magic tricks, Potter,” Regulus spit out, crossing his arms across his chest to ease the fluttering of his heart that was racing from James’ recent proximity, “you’re actually a wizard, you do know that right?”
James moved in front of him, his grin getting even wider, though he wouldn’t have believed it possible had he not been forced to see it growing in front of his very eyes.
“I like to be well-rounded,” James shrugged, stuffing his hands into his pockets while looking extremely pleased with himself. He was insufferable. His heart slammed against his chest even as he repeated this to himself. He couldn’t trust his heart anymore than he could trust any other part of him it turned out. Fools, all of them. Sirius had been right about that at least. If he was being completely honest, he might admit that Sirius was right about quite a lot of things, but he was trying his best not to think about Sirius at all. He quickly shut the thought of his brother out of his mind, biting at his cheek in an effort to distract himself.
“Speaking of well-roundedness, I know that you’re good at dancing. You and Sirius both,” James said. Regulus breathed out through his teeth at the mention of the name, trying his best to shove it away. You have to put yourself into a safe, Reggie, Sirius had said when they were young, that way they can’t get to you. Reggie closed his eyes, clicking open his safe and tucking himself into it before closing the door, taking comfort in the complete darkness. As long as he felt nothing, he would be okay.
He opened his eyes, the night in sharper focus as he felt himself turn to face James, his hands hanging limply, heavily, at his side.
James was continuing the conversation, unaware of the change to his conversation partner, “so why aren’t you dancing, Baby Black? And don’t say it’s because you didn’t want to show off,” James wiggled his eyebrows, “because I just know that that’s a lie.”
Regulus mirrored the face in front of him, allowing the corner of his mouth to turn up in a smile, the world numbing around him.
“Who said I wasn’t dancing?” He heard his voice reply. Had it always been so cool? Sirius had once said he’d had a sweet voice, even cranky old house elves like to hear you talk, it’s just not fair. Those were the exact words. They slammed against the sides of Regulus’ safe, cracking the surface. Bits of light entering in, forcing him to crawl away. He had to stay in the dark. He couldn’t bear to see anything else.
“Oh?” James was still talking, his voice growing in amusement, “were you going to dance up here all by yourself then?” He was stepping towards Regulus again, and Regulus couldn’t find it in himself to step away. “That’s no fun, Reg.” He hated it when people called him that. Or he thought he had. “Dance with me instead?”
The safe cracked open. The opening was a light so bright, Regulus had to squint against it, enveloping him as James closed the gap between them. It was overwhelming, it was burning, but most of all, it was warm. Regulus’ head nodded, darting his eyes away, too embarrassed to see the triumph that was surely spreading along James’ face so openly. As if there had never been any reason to hide at all.
James’ hands gripped around his waist, pulling him into the warmth of his chest. Regulus collapsed against it, a sigh escaping from his lips as he burrowed into the soft wall of James’ body. Regulus couldn’t bear to resist this final moment of happiness that the world had deemed him worthy of having, no matter how much he might disagree. He closed his eyes against James, wrapping his arms around his neck as they swayed in the night. James chuckled softly before shoving his own face into Regulus’ curls, his soft breath spreading against his head like the kiss of an angel.
From above the towers looking down, it would seem like any other pair of lovers dancing in each other’s embrace. Regulus knew, of course, that his body had a limit. That James was holding onto a corpse while Regulus was holding onto a dream he had never been worthy of thinking up in the first place. But he had always been selfish, hadn’t he? So he would dream for a few moments more even as he rotted in the arms of someone who belonged to another.
He would dream that they could stay this way forever.
Wrapped in each other’s arms as they danced alone in an astronomy tower. As the night faded around them, as the grounds grew quiet in the beginning calls of morning. They danced for so long, just as he’d always hoped, but never thought possible. Until, finally, torturously, James pulled away from him, breathless as he did.
“I knew you’d be a good dancer,” he said, his face flushing as he gripped Regulus’ arms before Regulus could fall against the wall. He hadn’t realized how exhausted he was until James pulled away. All he knew was that he wanted him to stay. He felt the need pull at his lips, almost forcing him to ask. But he clamped his mouth shut, knowing there was no use in wanting anymore.
James’ laugh spilt through the morning as he pulled Regulus into a final hug, as if maybe he too couldn’t stand to be separated for longer than a moment. They were quiet in each other’s arms, knowing the moment would break apart the second one of them spoke.
James broke first.
“You don’t have to go back, Regulus,” James said quietly, earnestly, “you can come stay with us. With Lily and I, or- or even Sirius. I’m sure he’d be thrilled. You can get away from it, you don’t have to be one of them.”
Regulus bit against his cheek, allowing himself to dream for just a few moments more of a life like the one James was offering him.
But it was too late for him. He already was one of them. He had been one of them before he could say his first words. It had been too late for him the moment he’d taken his first breath.
This time, it was Regulus who pulled away, forcing his body to stay strong for just a bit longer. He didn’t answer, just turned to look at the brightening sky. It seemed so dull now, a match stick trying to be seen in the midst of a forrest fire. James sighed beside him, but turned to go. Just the same as everyone else. The room went cold.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Regulus swallowed the first bit of potion, he watched his safe shatter again, only to be overtaken in a darkness colder and damper than any he’d ever felt. Kreacher took the locket from him as Regulus called out his final commands, tearing the fabric from his shirt to write a final note in case anyone actually did end up searching for him. Then it was only a matter of time.
He was alone in the cave. Hands were reaching for him, not a single one with a galleon in between their fingers, or an urge to run their hands through his hair. Though as they tore down into his skin, he forced himself to remember the softness of the touch he’d experienced only hours before, when the world had been just one singular moment in time. When humanity existed of only two slow dancers.
Water filled his lungs, and he didn’t even gasp as it did. It was all according to plan really, this was how it had always meant to be. He promised himself he'd be brave.
But the water wrapped around his throat, choking against him as the claws dug in. He shot down as bubbles blew from his mouth, tearing out of him as body after body grasped onto his already deteriorating skin. The slime encircling him, panic blinding him as he struggled against their hold. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. He ripped his arm from one of the Inferi, the blood marring his already fading vision as he reached up desperately, hoping that someone, anyone, would reach down and save him. How silly of him, to hope.
Regulus had always wanted to die clean and pretty. And, well, he had never expected to get what he wanted anyways.
To die, then. That would have to be enough.