Chapter 1
does mr bennett realise that it’s lunch now?!?
i mean seriously some of us need to eat??
**siriusly
lily, what?
i’m afraid i’m not lily
who’s got lily’s phone??
wrong number, im sirius
you do realise you just shared your name with a stranger who could be a potential threat?
yet you kept texting me
you seem like you need a distraction though, from mr bennett
lily just texted me her new number
block me.
*
HEYYYYFJJD SIRIUS IS A FUCKN DICKKKJJ
what
WHO IS RHIS??? SIRIUS’ LOVER?!’jrj
fuck sorry that was prongs
prongs..?
my bsf
right.
prongs is currently mad at me bc APPARENTLY it was my fault that we got caught pranking the slytherins
are the slytherins ur enemies or smth
smth like that.
anyways why r u texting in class
oh shit
i just realised
you could be an old man
or the fucking queen
or even bowie
bowie’s dead you dumbass
i knew that
of course i knew that??
for the record, i’m 16
me too
WAIT
for the record??
you mean we’re going to have a history??
*
HOW ARE YOU ON THIS FINE, FINE MORNING?
thank merlin i don’t have a class w mr bennett today
woah
i didn’t expect for u to respond
i've got nothing better to do
wormy and prongs are both studying but i’m just to cool for that
i’m lucky i don’t get that much homework
why not??
homeschooled
oh
right
is it lonely
my brother regulus is homeschooled
mother thought it would be better for him
i got sent here as a punishment
it can be lonely, i’m an only child.
ur family’s really in to the astrology names, i see
haha yeah we got sirius, regulus, orion, andromeda tons more too
fuck
gtg
*
i’ve noticed you swear a lot
but idk, the most recent ‘fuck’ seemed panicky?
yeah, it was
so, you watching the football match tonight?
nah not really the football type
i’d rather read
i just assumed you were from the uk
no yeah i am
mothers welsh though
mes mères français
fuck that reminds me
i have a french essay due tmr
french is my worst subject
by far
i can help
what
i’m fluent in french, i can help
1.that would be cheating
2.i don’t even know you?!?
so get to know me
ok
ok?
ok.
alr i’ll start
my names sirius i’m 16 turning 17 in november. i’m a dog person i go to boarding school i’m half french half british and my favourite song is five years
shit we’re really doing this my name is [redacted] i’m 16, i guess im a dog person but no hate to cats they’re still cute. im homeschooled, welsh & british and i don’t have a favourite song
ur name in my phone is now [redcated]
also,
why don’t u just use google translate for ur essay
cause you do online school
ur serious?? google translate is dodgy as fuck
yes that’s right i /am/ sirius
shut up or help me with french
alr fine
*
hey babe
no
no what??
no nicknames
what?!? this is atrocious, why not??
idk i’ve never had one
i could create one for you
as long as it’s not as shitty as prongs or wormy
you know, it would help to know your real name
guess
john
harry
tony
nick
oh wait, i just assumed u were a guy
i’m a guy
me too
anyways
can you at least give me a hint
it’s an unusual name
siobhan??
autumn??
puck??
what the fuck
i’m not a season
or a fucking fairy either
i may need another clue
fine
it’s a roman name
JULIUS CAESER
IVE CRACKED THE CODE
UR NAME IN MY PHONE IS NOW CAESER
what
the actual
fuck
are you always this grumpy
no
things have been shitty recently
oh
i’m sorry
do you want to talk?
*
sorry if that was to personal
my bad
no it’s ok
something came up
okay :)
distract me
what?
distract me
is this a sneaky way of asking for duck pics?
JDJDISICODICJ DUCK PICS??
YOU MEAN THE ANIMAL??
JDJDH
fuck no
i meant dick pics
the nurse just looked over my shoulder
holy fuck
she saw the words ‘dick pics’ and her face turned white
like literally
pale
ghost like
damn that’s so most words you’ve sent me
like ever
also
nurse? you ok
yeah i’m in hospital
oh ok
why do you need a distraction?
blood test
this afternoon
hope it goes well!!
i can tell you about my friends
okay
so my best mates are prongs and wormtail (nicknames ofc) i met them at boarding school first year and we’re all gryffindors and we prank the slytherins
OH and we’re called the marauders
so you go to hogwarts?
WHAT
how did u know???
cause i’m pretty sure hogwarts is the only school with gryffindors and slytherins
oh right
don’t worry, i’m not a stalker
or am i ;)
WHAT
STRANGER DANGER 🚨🚨
sorry
i have to go.
blood test.
to clarify, i’m a regular teenage boy
good luck :)
*
how did the blood test go
i fainted
oh shit
u okay?
yeah i’m alright
hospitalised for a bit
i’ll keep u company :)
why do you text me
because i’m bored
if your bored hang out with your friends, read a book, study, do homework, listen to music, eat, nap, cook, there’s way better things to do than text a stranger
because i find you entertaining. your sarcastic an funny and interesting, because i want to get to know you. because i want to be your friend.
shit
i’m not usually that sappy
let’s be friends
we already are :)
i don’t even know your name yet
keep guessing
it’s not julius caesar????
no, actually
oh ok
let me do some research
i’ll be back
*
okay i’ve been researching and i have a list:
augustus
cassius
titus
romulus
gaius
HAHA SOME OF THOSE ARE BAD
hello my name is gaius
jk
although one is weirdly close
omg ok i was good at that
aren’t you meant to be in school
i’m texting under my desk
i’ve become a pro at that ;)
what class
religion
are you religious?
what is this?
21 questions or smth
oh sorry
it’s fine!
but it’s my turn to ask a question
okay
tell me about your friends
that’s not really a question
okay then
who’s lily?
she’s my best friend, we both do online school, she does it because our old school fucking sucked
oh i’m sorry
is that why you do online?
because ur old school sucked
no i do online for other reasons
i have to go though
nurse pomfrey is here and she’s giving me looks
what type of looks?
‘did you take your medicine?’ type of looks
good timing bc i just got told off for having my phone in class
*
helloooo
so what punishment did you get?
for doing what?
your phone in class
ohh
detention on thursday
but i already have detention then for protesting against the uniform so i only have to do one
what’s wrong about the uniform
my friends, marls, lily, mary and dorcas wore the ‘boys’ pants and got told off so we all went on strike and wore the opposite gender uniform
so did you prance around in a skirt all day?
first of all i don’t prance, second i absolutely rocked shit in the skirt
hmm
what’re you thinking about
nothing
just u in a skirt ;)
KDJJDISIFJ
you don’t even know what i look like??!?!
why don’t you change that
FJDNIISJEUDH?!?
*
[peter and sirius]
WORMY!! WORMY!! WORMY!!
if you want to prank the slytherins the answers no, i can’t get more detention this week
no i was going to say
yk the boy that i’ve been texting
you mean the total stranger!??
nah we’re friends
anyways
HE STARTED FLIRTING WITH ME??
how do u know he’s not an old man
cause i just know he’s hot
AND THEN
HE BASICALLY ASKED WHAT I LOOKED LIKE
WHAT IF HE THINKS IM COOLER THAN I AM
don’t worry ur pretty cool
i don’t wanna be ‘pretty cool’ i wanna be ‘REALLY FUCKING COOL’
okay padfoot then ur REALLY FUCKING COOL
anyways
WHAT DO I DO
idk man
fuck
thanks wormy
thanks.
you’re welcome you dick <333
*
heyy
you know i was kidding before right?
like it’s okay to no be comfortable showing ur face to a stranger
ur not a stranger though <3
ew don’t get cheesy with me
i’ll just describe what i look like
i have black long ish hair and grey eyes and i’m really fucking cool
you speak highly of yourself
and you don’t??
idk
wanna describe ur self
what, so you can wank picturing me
WHAT??
unless…
JOKE!!
that was a joke u dumbass
i knew that
sure you did
so
do you know my name yet??
I NEED ANOTHER CLUE, SUGAR PLUM
anything but sugarplum
anything.
darling??
sweetheart??
babe??
your majesty??
none
absolutely none
it would be SO much easier if i knew ur name to make a nickname!!
it’s fun for you to guess
oh shit
fucking snivellus just told the professor i was texted
THE FUCKING DICK
i gather snivellus is a slytherin?
yes.
yes he fucking is.
*
GOOD MORNING ITS FRIDAY!
yes it is you fuckwit
that was offensive
sorry
ur not sorry at all are you
you know me so well ;)
BUT I DONT KNOW UR FUCKING NAME!!
moving on
what’s ur nickname
padfoot
KDJDJJS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT
i am truly offended
i mean it’s not /that/ bad
better than wormtail and prongs
YOU TRAITOR
ABSOLUTE TRAITOR
i’m sorry what??
sorry that was wormy
he feels betrayed that you like me more than him
i never said that.
all i said was that ur nickname was a TEENY bit better.
may i emphasis only a TEENY bit better
still an accomplishment
also
wormtail knows about me??
of course
we’re besties
actually lily is my bestie
okay but i’m a close second
sure, sure
*
HEYYY
*
how are you??
*
hey are you ok
*
sorry if i was annoying you
*
i hope ur okay!!!
*
hello?
hey sorry i haven’t texted for a few days
something happened
do you need to talk about anything?
i’m currently on morphine so i may say a few things i shouldn’t
morphine??
fuck are you okay?
i’d like to say i’m ok but frankly i’m so sick of wearing a hospital gown
AND THE SOCKS DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE GRIPPY SOCKS
THEY ARE HELL
H
E
L
L
so your still in hospital?
yes
i was meant to be released a few days ago
oh so what happened
actually sorry that was nosy
you don’t have to say
no it’s ok
i have to sleep now or nurse pomfrey will kill me
like literally
goodnight :))
you too
*
how’re you feeling this morning
alright.
that’s good
i get released in 2 days
THATS SO GOOD
sure
not excited?
i guess not
i was just so excited before, to get released i mean and then something came up and i had to be hospitalised again
and who knows it may happen again
if you ever need a distraction, let me know :)
thank u
*
ITS FINALLY THE WEEKEND
how was the detention on thursday?
it was the usual, nothing interesting
so ur a bad boy?
used to detention?
depends if that’s what ur in to
maybe maybe not
what’s that supposed to mean??
anyways
any plans today?
i have a shit ton of homework that i’m not going to do
i have band practice today
are u in the marching band or smth
hell no
it’s a rock band
so ur the musical type?
you could say that
me prongs and womry started a band in fourth year
i’ve always wanted to be in a band
oh really?
what do u play
electric guitar
thats hot
what do you and your friends play
i sing and songwrite, peter plays drums and james plays keys
peter and james??
OH YEAH HAHA
u don’t know they’re real names
peter is wormtail and james is prongs
ohhh
here’s a photo of them:
*sirius inserts photos of both james and peter*
you have hot friends
wait till you see me ;)
you don’t even know my name
oh but i will
*