Feelings
Sirius Black had been everything to Remus Lupin. His best friend and his lover. The one to make him laugh when nothing else felt okay. They understood each other. While Pete and James were, well, James had been good to them, it always came back to those two.
Remus spent five years watching Sirius. He noticed everything about him. The way he walked as if nothing could touch him. How he smirked when he’d hear Minnie and her usual shrill of “Mr. Black! That is enough!”. He noticed how he’d use his wand to put back his hair when (he thought) no one was watching. But of course Remus was. How could he not? He could sit and write a book about the beautiful force that was Sirius Orion Black.
The prefect in Remus would want to scold Sirius for all the mischief he got into; but that was usually overpowered by how absolutely in love with him he was. Remus wondered if Sirius ever realized he was the only one to never receive detention from him. He knew for a fact the other two marauders did. That had been an uncomfortable conversation with Wormy. Remus had felt bad then, but any remorse for Pete was long gone by now.
Five years went by where Remus pined for his best mate, but then miraculously Sirius was there in his arms. He was smiling at him, and muttering ‘finally’ as they kissed. He was a bloody sap and cliche, but those were just more things for Remus to love about him. However strong his feelings may have been for Sirius before, they didn’t even touch what he felt those last years at Hogwarts. Sirius became his rock, his safe place. While before he had been the one to bring him out of his shell, now he knew when he needed his space. Things like that were what had made Remus realize “this is my person”. Those little quirks that only they saw. Knowledge no one else would ever have of the two.
Two insecure boys together is a heartbreak bound to happen. Heartbreak doesn’t have to last forever, which is good because they broke each other’s hearts often. Remus lashed out near the full moons, and Sirius knew every way to push his buttons to get him there. Words meant everything to them, and the mean ones stuck around longer than they wanted. The cruel irony is that they both knew only they could heal each other.
Neither boy had ever opened up to someone before. It took months for them to be able to dredge out all the years of abuse and pain they’d endured. When they did, it was messy. They were two broken people who didn’t know what it was like to be whole. They didn’t fix each other, they weren’t objects, they were people. They helped each other heal themselves.
Three imperfect and incomplete years
Those first three years after Hogwarts were…complicated. Sirius and Remus got a flat together, and no place had ever felt more right to Remus. Here he didn’t have to hide a single part of himself, and neither did Sirius. Here they could fall asleep together, not worrying about being caught in the morning (or silencing charms, for that matter.) They were their true vulnerable selves.
But the problem with being vulnerable was that someone could always use it against you. Remus didn’t blame Sirius for the things he said to him, and he had long since suspected that Sirius didn’t blame him anymore either. There was a war going on, after all. Fighting with Sirius was awful. They knew each other completely, which was perfect until someone had a bad day. One particular fight is one neither man will ever forget.
“Moony, you just don’t get it. You want what I can’t give you!”
“And what would that be, Sirius?” You see, Remus wasn’t above using their given names rather than their childhood nicknames. Not when he saw the pain flicker across Sirius’ face, a mirror to the pain he felt himself.
“A life after this war? A perfect little husband to cuddle you when you have a bad day. My feelings be damned, right?” Remus flinched, and Sirius felt a heartbreaking sense of pride. They’d both regret it later, but for now they were hitting where they knew it hurt most.
“This coming from a member of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black? This, from the one I held that night at the Potter’s? Because you’re right, how could I have been showing you love for years? And now I’m just asking for you to look at me when it’s for something other than something physical. I’m asking you to tell me you love me again. You wanna know something? This is the longest you have been able to stand talking to me in days. So, yes, right now I do want a cuddle after a bad day. But maybe not from you anymore, since this is obviously how you feel about it.” Remus’ eyes started to water, and his welsh accent came out towards the end of his rant. Remus doesn’t cry. He was the strong one, and now Sirius knew he had, well, royally fucked up.
Sirius had let out a shaky breath, and finally began to sit aside his own feelings. Everything Remus had said was true, even though the gab at his family had stung more than he was willing to admit. “Moony…” The fight was over the moment he said that word, the pain and remorse seeping into his voice.
By that night, they had whispered enough apologies into the crooks of each other’s necks, and cried enough tears that it was all history. A foreshadowing of it all, really.
Then in the span of one night, it was all gone. Their family had been ripped apart by a monster. One of the inside, for that matter. Remus just didn’t have the right one to blame.
Their twelve years of waiting
Remus knew he would never again love someone the way he did Sirius. His absence in their- Remus’- flat was unbearable. And yet he couldn’t leave. He couldn’t bring himself to abandon the last place he had of Sirius- his version of him. The version that loved him, and his friends, above all else. Not the one who’d sell out James and Lily to Voldemort.
There was a gaping whole left in Remus, after that cursed October 31st. His whole life fell apart. He couldn’t see a black dog at the park without thinking of Padfoot. He couldn’t hear a Bowie song and not remember Sirius screaming to the record. Everything reminded him of Sirius, and it drove him crazy. It drove him to isolation; nothing but him and whatever drug or drink he could find.
He was lonely, to say the least.
But then Harry Potter, the beautifully horrid reminder of his parents, told him of the little marks titled Peter Pettigrew. He knew then that Sirius was still the one he had always known. They had put too much into that map for it to be wrong. Could he have a chance to have his star back?
Aches, pains, and the veil
Falling back into the groove of them was hard, They had spent so long apart, hurting and needing one another. Each man had his own set of regrets, and there didn’t feel like there would ever be enough time to overcome them. They had lost each other, but they had also lost themselves.
But slowly, it worked. Yes, there were fights, because that’s how they work. They yell, and they say mean things, but because it was all they’d ever known. They loved each other more than any superficial flaw annoyed them.
The best memory Sirius would ever have was his first shower after Azkaban. His once gorgeous hair now matted, his clear skin streaked with grime. But there were Remus’ gentle hands, showing love to his new scars and all the ‘ugly’ parts to Sirius. For over an hour, Remus sat with his hands combing through Sirius’ hair, while he cried. They had so much to cry for, but this was when Sirius let out all of the aching he’d felt in Azkaban.
They were tentative, scared they’d speak too loudly and the other would break. They should have known better, they should have known they were still each other’s safe havens. And, well, they should have known better than to let their guards down.
Remus would never forget the way Harry had screamed when Sirius fell. But more than that, he would never forget how he had no air left to breathe, let alone scream. He had lost Sirius once, and now he had watched him die. His whole world crumbled. He fell to the floor, but Sirius never did.
Together at last
It makes sense to Remus now, when they say you see your life flash before your eyes when you die. Because this was what he had seen, and Sirius had been his whole life. No one shined as bright as Sirius did, same as his namesake.
When Remus finally opened his eyes, he was somewhere he’d never seen. But the familiar thing he did see?
The brightest star
Those unmistakable gray eyes. The gray that had become his favorite color
The leather jacket he bought on a whim in sixth year
Those beautiful wrists he used to dream about
There in front of him was Sirius Black. He was home, at last.