Tick tock.
It's getting under her nerves. That damned clock. Bella wants to throw it out the window.
Tick tock.
She purses her lips and resists the urge to smash it into pieces and never hear it again. How she hates it, that Bella has to restrain herself. Be a proper lady, Bella; don't pout, Bella; this is unbecoming of a Black, Bella; Bella this, Bella that, Bella, Bella, Bella. She wants them to shut up. The voices in her head, all of them demanding attention, thinking themselves so important. And they aren't only in her head. She meets them everyday in her mother, her father - anyone, really.
Tick tock.
Which is why she is doing this. For the first time, Bella is going to do something. And no one will stop her. It's about him. It always is, nowadays. But, what can she say - the Dark Lord is so fascinating. And he understands her. It's the first time Bella thinks she's in love. Which is ridiculous, of course.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock -
But it isn't, says a voice inside her head and Bella can't help but agree, it isn't, it isn't, because for the first time in your life you want someone -
It's unfair.
Tick tock -
This is for the best, however. She can't imagine a fair life, just like she can't imagine living one without him. Bella knows she is his favourite. It is an honour, that she will have the Dark Mark. Maybe she can make even Regulus jealous, who knows.
When she returns home, it's Andromeda she finds first. Narcissa is much less approachable these days.
Bursting into her sister's room without knocking - she is much like Sirius, they always tell her - Bella lands on Andromeda's bed.
"'Dromedaaa," she sings.
Andromeda doesn't spare her a glance. "Hello, Bella."
Bella gets up and comes to sit on the desk. She folds her arms, lifts her chin. "Now you can't ignore me."
Her sister raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. "What is it, Bella?"
She kicks her feet on the air and lets her eyes wander around the room. It's rather simple, really, all black and green. Just like everything else.
Andromeda sighs and closes her book. "Bella. Stop woolgathering, for Merlin's sake."
Bella shakes her head. Woolgathering? Who says that? She probably heard it from Regulus; he knows fancy words.
Her eyes snap back to Andromeda. "I want to show you something, sister!"
"Well, go on."
She lifts her sleeve to reveal a black tattoo branded on her skin. It's a contract but not quite. A promise, more like it. For a better future. Andromeda looks at the Mark with blank eyes, before shooting her sister a look. There is something in her expression - there and gone again; Bella doesn't even notice. She rarely does.
"I - When did you do this?" she asks, trying to keep a tremor from her voice. A knot in her throat.
"Today." Her smile doesn't fall; she hasn't noticed anything amiss.
"Did you ask anyone about it?"
Her expression quickly darkens. "Oh, you're just like everyone else, 'Dromeda, aren't you?" She shakes her head, continues, "No, I didn't. It's high time I made my own decisions."
Just like everyone else.This is a betrayal she didn't expect. Bella wanted Andromeda to be happy - she rarely is, these days.
She smiles, a twisted and wrong thing, then says, "I really hoped to cheer you up, you know." She shrugs.
Face unreadable, Andromeda responds, voice devoid of any emotion, "No, Bella. You didn't do this -- " she nods at her forearm " -- for me. You did it for yourself."
It taints your porcelain white skin more than anything else, is Narcissa's first thought. She quickly dismisses it. It's a stupid thought. This is what Bella wanted, what she chose. Narcissa won't be the one to disappoint her sister (unlike Andromeda, a voice whispering.)
Meeting Bella's expectant eyes, she smiles - a lifeless, worthless thing - and says, "I am glad you are happy, Bella."
Not Iam proud of you.
Not well done.
But Bella doesn't notice - she rarely does - and she leaves the room shortly after that, leaves Narcissa behind to consider this new situation. Oh, Bella, what have you done? This Mark, it enslaves; she feels disturbed. Blacks bow to no one. How can this be?
(Perhaps there is a traitor among us.)
She resists the urge to scream. Everything is wrong.
(It's Bella.)
Will she have to follow her sister's footsteps?
(And which one's, anyway?
You only have one sister.
It used to be different.)
Oh, Bella, what have you done?
When Andromeda leaves, it's midnight. Oh, it's a coward way to leave, that she knows, but, well. She isn't a Slytherin for nothing. She still remembers Bella's gleaming eyes, the eyes of a predator. Still recalls how she smiled - a crooked, evil thing - how she laughed. It wasn't always like that. Oh, Andromeda remembers the times when Bella smiled, really smiled; when Narcissa would be more than a pretty face. All gone now. Which is why she has to leave.
She thinks of Ted. Thinks of how he makes her smile and laugh and the little baby growing inside her. Yes, she knows, can sense the baby's magic. It's not an easy decision, really. Especially when Narcissa finds her.
"So you are leaving."
How it infuriates her, how it angers her, the way her sister carefully conceals her true feelings behind this mask of frost, raising walls between them, an impenetrable fortress. How she envies Narcissa for this.
"I am. I have spent too much of my time worrying about what you think of me." She means it.
Narcissa stiffens, expression dark and undecipherable. "How noble of you."
The truth is, there is nothing noble in what Andromeda does. He makes me laugh, she wants to say, scream, grab Narcissa from the shoulders and shake her, wake her up, grab her and leave together. She almost asks. Come with me? It's a child's hope, though, and she thinks better of it.
Andromeda leaves the House of Black behind. This is only the beginning.
Betrayal comes in many forms.
Narcissa likes to think it comes in the form of a runaway sister. A coward trying to escape responsibilities, a blood-traitor marrying a mudblood scum and defiling the House of their ancestors. (Her ancestors, now. Narcissa forgets.
You see, she - instead of her cousin - had the luxury, the opportunity to say goodbye. She just wasted it. Going home only to find Andromeda throwing everything on a trunk; asking, stating, 'so you are leaving.'
Alright, then, I knew you would leave, don't bother to deny it; everyone keeps leaving --
The loss of a sibling is bad. The betrayal of a sibling - that's worse. And the list of those Narcissa loses keeps growing.)
She likes to think it comes in the form of a boy with a bark-like laugh and a sharp face - almost like Regulus', but not quite. Her cousin wouldn't appreciate the comparison, that she knows. Then again, Regulus didn't like a lot of things.
She remembers asking him - a mere, private joke between them, 'Do you ever let yourself feel things?'
A sharp laugh. 'Not if I can help it.'
'You’re a psychopath.'
Regulus would throw his head back, just like -- no, she won't think of him. Regulus would throw back his head and reply, 'Please, I’m charming.'
'Isn’t that the same thing?'
It feels like a betrayal when they announce to her that she is to be married. Narcissa wants to scream at someone, hit someone, someone to hit her. You didthis, she can't help but think. You brought me to this position. You, you, you -
I miss you. I hateyou.
Betrayal comes in many forms. In the form of a Dark Mark tainting a sister's porcelain white skin. A sister with a crazed laughter and oh, Bella, what have you done? What have you done, what have we done, what have I done?
(And now Regulus is dead.)
Lucius is a kind husband, although a bit absent, she comes to understand. They learn how to love each other slowly (hesitant at first, but kind and gentle in a surprising way) and Narcissa can't help but think that her luck will soon run out. Luck always runs out.
Betrayal comes in many forms. And so does death.
(And now Regulus is dead.)
She mourns the loss of her first unborn child. And the second. When she is pregnant with Draco, Narcissa closes her eyes and allows herself to think of Regulus for the first time in months.
('Will you be the godfather?' she had asked.
A hesitant smile, a sharp nod. 'Of course, Narcissa.'
Regulus had disappeared two months later.
Liar.)
This will be different, she decides, hopes, promises, swears. Iwill protect my son.
Oh, that's a good one. A taunting voice in her head: The way you protected your cousin?
This is different. It has to be. Needs to be. She can't afford to lose another child. It will break her. She is already broken in some ways. It only makes her stronger.
(And Regulus - )
When the Dark Lord fights Dumbledore in the Ministry, years and years later, Narcissa takes Draco and flees. It is necessary.
( - 'Only do what's necessary' - )
(Lucius is captured and incarcerated in Azkaban.)
After that, it's not hard for Regulus to find them. He has always known her best.
( - Regulus is - )
He arrives at her doorstep at dawn. It's like seeing a ghost from the past. A long lost companion, a friend and an ally, a confider of her darkest secrets ... and she his. A friend. Face sharper than ever; black, curly hair grown longer than she has ever seen it; dressed in black, he looks the Black heir he was always meant to be. A man of the shadows.
(And Regulus is alive.)
She smiles. It's high rime they all took their responsibilities. To the family. To her son.
This is for Draco, is her first thought. All she has done since she gave birth to him is for her son. But -
"Morning, cousin dearest." His voice is raspy and more mature than the last time she'd heard it.
Narcissa raises an eyebrow. "Greetings to you too, my dear."
Her son glances at her, then at Regulus, then frowns. He shrugs and enters the house once more, murmuring about 'odd adults.'
She wants to laugh at that. Teenagers.
"You came," she finally says, when the silence becomes too thick. Too unbearable. Too much.
(Alive, alive, alive.)
A smile slowly makes its way to Regulus' expression. "Once a Black, always a Black," he says.
(Always a Black. But what about the scorching marks on the tapestry? What about those nobodies, those nothings? What about Andromeda?)
Which is the answer she has been hoping for. It reminds her of that night at Grimmauld, when she had replied with the same line. It may as well be the unofficial Black family motto.
She opens her door more, ushers him inside and he actually laughs when Narcissa offers him her arm. She is alive, he is alive and she feels alive for the first time in years. Her luck isn't going to run out any time soon. Of course, he has scars and so does she. Secretly, Narcissa hopes. Will you trust me like you used to? Will you smile at me again?Will we be the same again? But she knows, understands that nothing is ever going to be the same. And it's for the best.
They parade through the living room and she feels twenty again. Feels seen again. Understood. (Her luck isn't going to run out any time soon.)
Betrayal comes in many forms.
The first Black sister to betray their sisterhood isn't Andromeda. No. It's Bella. In the form of a Dark Mark tainting a sister's porcelain white skin. And perhaps 'the Black family will be in the right side for the first time in history,' as Regulus put it.
She thinks, finally. Things are never going to be the same. Everything will change.
(And in the back of her mind, does that mean I can see Andromeda?
But it's no longer can I. It's Iwill.
The first time she does see her sister, it's almost been two decades. They scream at each other, cry, talk and Narcissa thinks, look, mother, I am living.
Alive, alive, alive.
Of course, reconciliation with Sirius isn't as easy. Then again, nothing about this family -- about any family - is easy, she comes to understand. They shout and they fight, the four of them. Regulus and Sirius walk around each other on eggshells.Careful. Don't break them. Always testing the waters. Careful. Don't slip. But it's difficult and, at the beginning, Regulus keeps going back to the past, drowning, and Sirius keeps turning into Padfoot to cope.
At the beginning, they all slip. All break.)
This is for Draco and Regulus and my family, she thinks. Selfishly, Narcissa adds, this is for me.