Pain and Love
When they are in their dorm Barty asks: Reg, what did he say? You looked like he just told you he fucked your mother. With a face full of pain, the boy replied, He found out I am not a real boy. Tears forming in his eyes. Evan looked with a face red of anger at Barty. Seeing that his boyfriend was not able to talk to Regulus without screaming he said: Reg, you are more a man than he will ever be. You know that, right? Yeah, I know. But he doesn’t have to wear a binder to have a flat chest. Regulus shut up, okay, you are more worthy of calling yourself a man than any cis man in the whole universe. Evan yelled. His boyfriend gave him a soft punch in the arm, to shut him up. It's time for dinner, we will go together so Snape will hopefully shut up. Crouch said. With a nod Evan walked to the door. When he looked behind him, he saw the 2 other boys stare at him. He smiled and said: come on, we've got to go. Imagine Potter being there earlier than us. He will stare so creepy again. He said with a grin. You two can go. I don’t feel so good right now. The smaller boy said. Reg, how long have you been wearing your binder? Barty asks scared for the answer. For like 43 hours. The boy whispers in response. 43 hours are you crazy. Your ribs can get damaged for forever. That is dangerous. Take it off right now. Evan says, now angry with his friend. He didn’t get why he always was at the edge of dying or trying to get pain. In Salazars name, don’t overreact so bad. It is not like I died. Regulus answers in with a fake half smile on his face. But yeah, I will take it off, you two go to dinner. I am not hungry anyway. The two boys looked at him with concern in their eyes. With the two looking at him he turned around, walked to his closet got clean clothes and left to the bathroom.
When he heard the door close, he took off his shirt. Taking of his binder hurt and seeing the bruises at ribs made his eyes fill with tears. He knew it was dangerous, but he couldn't deal with the dysphoria. Taking of his remaining clothes got him only more dysphoric. The way his legs didn’t look like the legs of a man. The way he didn’t have a dick like the real boys do. He didn’t know how he could feel less dysphoric. His parents had cursed him so much that he had only enough power to cover his scars that he didn't have much left to cover his feminine body parts without getting him too exhausted. Tears streaming over his face while getting in the shower. The soft sobs barely noticeable. While washing his hair the familiar feeling came back. The feeling that you don’t really exist, the feeling like you are watching someone else. Like you are just watching someone else control you. Slowly getting out of the shower opening the cabinet under the sink getting out his old broken razor. With just a little shake, one of the blades fell out. He hated how happy he got when he saw the silver object fall on the floor. Picking up the blade from the floor he accidentally cut his finger. The stinging on his finger made him feel better and worse at the same time. Dragging the knife across his thigh, watching the line turn red made him feel almost happy and terribly sad. In the back of his head, he heard the voice say: you know James only likes you because you are Sirius sister. You know that. Now he started crying ever harder. Then he heard someone enter the dorm he was in. When he quickly gets up, seeing colourful spots before his eyes, trying to get the blade in the razor again. When he finally got it in the razor, he saw that there was blood all over the floor. Panicking slightly his breathing sped up. When he realised nobody would be coming into the bathroom if the shower was running. He just cleaned most of the blood with his wand and started cleaning his thigh. He tried to make it stop bleeding with a spell but then he heard the familiar voice on the other side of the door. Reggie, can we talk after you are done? Yes, wait a minute. I will be fast. Not knowing how James came in, he went faster with cleaning.
James heard how his boyfriends voice was shaking. He had been in his lover's dorm for a while, his friends had let him in. But he didn’t know what to say to him. When he had been waiting, he heard some things which concerned him. Mostly the crying, but also how long he was in the shower. He had been in there for forty minutes and everyone was already at dinner. He saw how Regulus often didn’t show up at dinner or breakfast. It concerned him in a weird way. Like he wanted to drag him to the Great Hall and make him eat. He saw he lost weight of course but he didn’t know what to say.
Yes, I am ready James. He heard him unlock the door. When he came out, he saw his cheeks were still red from the crying. Hey, what are you doing here? Has anyone seen you? He said looking everywhere except at James. Hey, I just needed to see you. Evan let me in. Reg are you okay? He tries to hide his concern. Yes, why wouldn’t I be, Potter. He reacted angrily. O..Okay, I will leave then. The older boy said. When he turned around, he felt his boyfriends' finger on his shoulder. James, I am so sorry. I am just tired. He whispered. I noticed. He replied not knowing what to say. Suddenly tears well up in the young boy's eyes. James saw it immediately and wrapped his arms around the beautiful boy. What is wrong with my lovely boyfriend? He murmured in Regulus's hair. Nothing, just. I don’t know James. He said between the sobs escaping his mouth. Lifting Regulus of the ground and taking him to his bed. Lying down with him on his chest. Can I do something, Reg? He asked. No..Just go...to......dinner. He managed to answer between the sobs. Ooh Reg, you don’t really think I am going to leave you here, right? We have two hours left till dinner is over. When he ran a hand over his boyfriend's leg, he felt that his thigh was all sticky. Looking at his hand he saw that it was all red. Pretty sure that he knew what it was. He knew obviously that his boyfriend and his best friend had a lot of mental problems. He knew Sirius sometimes struggle with suicidal thoughts, and with a starting alcohol addiction, which he is getting to forget the hard times at home. Lost in his thoughts for a moment he didn’t notice Regulus looking panicked at James his hand.
No he can't know. Slightly panicking Reggie tried to escape out of James his arms. Which failed miserably because now James looking at his face. Hey Reg, we need to clean that up. But... He tried to turn away again. Now James had both his hands in a tight grip. Regulus, we need to clean this up. Tears streaming over his face he tried to get away again. James didn’t let go. Regulus, listen to me. I am not mad at you I promise but we really need to clean this up.
When he didn’t get a reply from the boy he just got up still carrying the raven haired boy. When they are in the bathroom, he tries to get an answer from him again. Reg, can I take you pants off? The other boy looked miles away from him. Reggie, are you with me? He tries again. Huh, what did you say? The boy asks quietly. Softly smiling James asks again: is it okay if I take your pants off? If I say no, would you leave then? He asks in reply. No Reg, obviously not. James answers. So yes or no? Regulus nods. So yes? He nods again. Every dorm has a first aid kit under the sink. When the eldest of the two reached for the cabinet the youngest panicked. He had cleaned up the floor but he threw the toilet paper with blood in the cabinet. He tries to stop James from going there. He quickly stands up and tries to push him out the way to get the kit himself. He forgot for a moment that he is way smaller than the other boy. Reg, what are you doing? I can get it myself. James said confused. He turns around to look at his boyfriend. Regulus breaths become shorter and faster. Tears falling faster then before. James tries to calm him down. Regulus, it is going to be better. I promise I won’t judge you. I promise, okay? Just let me get the kit. We can talk after that if you want. No... James....please. Regulus managed to get out. James had already opened the door before he could try to stop him again. James eyes filled with tears seeing the bloody tissues in the cabinet. He wiped them away quickly while getting his wand out to clean everything up. He heard his boyfriends breathing and sobs behind him. He turns around with the small box. He closes the toilet so his boyfriend can sit on it. When Regulus sits down, James unbuttons Regulus' pants and takes them off. Slowly revealing the bloody thigh in the process. Tears forming in James his eyes again, he keeps looking at the floor so his boy doesn’t see it. He knows that Regulus doesn’t want it to heal because of magic. So, he will clean it the Muggle way. Getting out everything he hears his boyfriend sob again.
Seeing James hide his tears makes him feel more a failure then anything. He tries not to cry again but fails miserably. James opens the alcohol wipes and makes his way to the with blood covered thigh. carefully he touches the bloody surface with the wipe. Softly crying from the pain Regulus watches James cleaning him up. He feels so guilty for doing it. He knew James didn’t have it easy either. Why did James care about him so much. He really didn’t know. He deserved so much better than someone who pretends to be someone they are not. Hey, Reggie look at me. Slowly looking at James, he sees that his boyfriend is already done with his leg. Reg please don’t think like that. I could almost hear what you were thinking. I love you more than anything. James says. I love you too James. Thank you for being here. You really didn’t have to do this you know. The shorter one of the two says. I know, I just wanted to. Are you hungry Reg? He asks. No not really but you.... I knew you were going to say that so I brought some food with me. James says almost proud. When they walked out of the bathroom, he takes of his Gryffindor sweater and hands it over to the young Slytherin, who looked like he is crazy. You don’t think I will wear this, right? Yeah, I do think that, no I know it. He says with a smile. Knowing he was going to lose this he rolled his eyes and took the sweater, he actually really loves it. Not that he would admit it. Taking of his shirt he felt James his eyes on him. How long have you been wearing your binder today? He asked with concern in his voice. I just put it on. He answers. When he says it, he knew that he lost his voice betrayed him once again. Reg. Take. It. Off. Not wanting to look at his boyfriends face he quickly took it of and pulled the red with yellow sweater over his naked torso. Turning around anxiously, scared that James would be angry. Still looking at the floor he feels two strong warm arms fold around his body. Looking up he saw a pair warm Brown eyes looking at him. James, I really don’t want to eat right now. He tries to say without breaking. I know, I know but you’ll have to eat a few bites. I’ve got your favourite, pasta. The way you like it. The moment James says it Regulus knows he never wants to leave this man again although he will never admit it. James let go of him and pushes him to the bed.
Two plates with pasta waiting on the bed for them. Seeing the food makes him nauseous. He slowly sits on the bed on the other side than James. Only for James he pick up the plate in front him and takes a bite. He sees James watching him from the corner of his eye.
As soon as he sees his Reg pick up the plate and taking a bite, he wants to hug him. Tell him how proud he is. Knowing that will probably ruin it he takes the other plate and starts eating.
When they are both done eating Regulus has eaten half of the food what was on the plate.
James asks: do you want to talk about Reggie? Tears forming in his eyes he shakes his head. Okay, want to cuddle then? Regulus was never a soft person but when it came to James, he was a whole different person. Almost jumping at James, he laid his head on James’s chest. He heard him chuckle at this childish movement. Then he remembered his friends. They could be back any moment. James had closed the bed curtains so they would have privacy when they come back. He suddenly felt exhausted. I love you, Jamie. He said with a small voice. I love you too my love. Was the last thing he heard before falling asleep.
Seeing his boy asleep he almost looked happy. The corners of his mouth in a upward position. The raven coloured curls half in his face. James gave him a last kiss on the forehead before falling asleep too.
Evan and Barty came back in the dorm confused what took them so long. Seeing the curtains closed they smiled at each other. They probably had a great evening. Says Evan with a smile while walking into the bathroom. His smile quickly faded when he saw the first aid kit laying on the floor. The only one who used it was Regulus when he relapsed. Evan and Barty knew but never told him because he would come to them if he needed help, well they hoped he would do that. Babe, the box is on the floor. He said sadly. Barty knew immediately what he meant. They locked eyes for a moment before walking to the bed where the two other boys were. Evan ripped the curtains open, ready to scream at the Slytherin. Then he saw the small boy laying in the arms of the Gryffindor boy. He looked so happy. Smiling he took a step back. Look at the sweater he is wearing. Barty said laughing. And then people say he doesn’t have feelings. Come on Evan don't you want to have cuddles? He turned around and walked to bed.
Ten minutes later the whole dorm was silent.