I Don't Have to Miss You

Regulus

Regulus is dying, and he is letting it happen.

The first time Regulus’ parents hit him he was 6, he had forgotten a piece of his music at a piano recital.

Regulus choked in the middle of his parent's annual gala and when it happened, everything went still. His vision narrowed until all he could see was the black and white of the piano tiles, the murmuring of the crowd around him became quieter until it was just him and his piano.

Regulus had gotten up in seconds and ran out of the large ballroom keeping his head so low he left a trail of tears on his way out.

At 1 am when all of the quests had finally left and Regulus had run out of tears his door opened roughly, slamming into the wall behind it.

The dent of the door knob stays there to this day, taunting him.

Walburga Black walked in and wrapped her hand tightly around Regulus’ wrist pulling him off the floor, where he was lying, in one swift motion. She pulled him up until he stood on his weak trembling legs and held his face between her thumb and index finger on her left hand.

Walburga told Regulus about everything he did wrong and what would happen if he did them again until he was again trembling and crying in her rough hold.

His mother then decided that to see her youngest son in front of her breaking down at her own words was not painful enough and that she needed to hit him.

It all went too fast for Regulus.

In moments Walburga had taken her hand off Regulus’ face and pulled it back. The next second all Regulus could feel was a sharp sting on his right cheek. His face grew hot and he tasted the blood trickling down from his lip.

This would repeat. And it would get worse.

Each time Regulus did something wrong, out of character or even just plain nice, he would get hit, slapped, kicked, punched, or have something thrown at him.

Regulus was 16 now, and he was a death eater.

After years of beatings from his parents, Regulus knew better than to decline Lord Voldemort himself. Saying no wouldn’t just be a rough beating. It would be agreeing to death.

And Regulus did not want to die.

It was happening anyway though.

Anyone could accuse Regulus of being a bad person and there was nothing he could say or do that would change their mind. However, Regulus was not a bad person.

Nobody except one person had seen him the night Voldemort arrived at the Manor. Regulus sat next to the world's most powerful wizard.

“Take my mark Regulus.” Voldemort had hissed into Regulus’ ear as the boy went still next to him. This wasn't a question, it was an order.

Complying, Regulus muttered “Yes Lord.” and pulled out his left arm filling the space between them.

Without warning Voldemort pulled out his wand and from that moment on everything went quiet for Regulus. He felt nothing yet he screamed like nobody could hear him. But everyone could hear him, and nobody did anything. Walburga and Orion Black simply stood and watched as their only child howled in pain in front of them, as tears intruded his face and his knees gave out underneath him.

They stood as their only son was on his knees crying and did nothing.

After everything, that evening at 11pm Regulus called Pandora, and all he could manage was a strangled gasp before he hung up. That was all Pandora needed before she arrived in his room via floo within seconds. Pandora stood in front of Regulus on the floor in nothing but a slip dress, her white hair tied up into a loose bun, clearly about to go to sleep. She dropped down onto the floor next to him, face to face, and closed her eyes.

Regulus and Pandora slept for 17 hours on the floor that night.

The only other people Regulus had seen that summer were Evan and Barty. Nobody knew Regulus like those two did. Their parents, in their pureblood mania, were friends, so Regulus, Evan and Barty had naturally done the same.

Regulus had seen the two boys everyday of his life and one day about a year ago everything changed. Regulus realized they didn't look at eachother like he did . They looked at each other with adoration, with affection, with love.

Evan and Barty were in love and Regulus was the first and only to know.

Everyday the summer Regulus had gotten the mark Evan and Barty had visited. The three of them would laugh, play games, sleep, and be happy with each other, but the minute the other two left, Regulus would cry.

One day, in the mid August heat Regulus sat staring at Evan and Barty as they smiled widely at each other and a tear slipped out. Regulus only noticed he was crying when Barty had shifted next to him and pressed his warm hands against his face, wiping away the tears.

“What's going on Reg?” Barty whispered.

The only words Regulus could think of were “I’m lonely.” He passed thinking of what to say and started again; “You and Evan, you have each other, I sit, and I watch because I know that I don't have anyone, I don't know what to do, and I really don't know why I'm crying this all so fucking stupid anyways,”

Barty has to think for a minute before he replies because his childhood best friend is crying into his shoulder now and Barty’s brain doesn't really remember the last time he saw Regulus cry.

“Regulus we are all lonely.” Barty says simply. “Me and Evan are just lonely together, this changed nothing. We are all dying and nobody cares, Evan does. Find somebody who cares just as much as we do.” Barty has never been good at speeches and even though this is some of his better advice Regulus is crying all over again dropping fully into Barty’s lap now.

“I know, I know, I know.” Regulus is just muttering mindlessly now trying to convince himself more than anyone that someone does care.

In his world people will praise him for the choice he made but in anyone else's world he might as well just be dead. Regulus wanted someone to understand how stuck he felt.

Both choices meant dying. What he chose just gave him a little bit more time to hold on. To tie a rope to something and hold on for dear life.

He would sit on his bed and sob until all he could do was sleep and dream. Regulus would dream of everything he wanted. He dreamt of a man holding him, like he was too scared to let go, kissing him, like he tasted of honey or sleeping with him, as if just lying in the same bed together asleep would solve all of the problems they had.

It was always the same face doing this. A blonde young man with hazel eyes and an endearing smile. However, Regulus could not find this face for the life of him. He tried to remember everyone he had even laid eyes on and yet nothing.

That was until he was on the Hogwarts express on his way to his sixth year at Hogwarts. This would be Regulus’ brother, Sirius’, eighth year.

And that is exactly who he saw.

Regulus was sprawled out on the bench in his train carriage with Evan and Barty. Regulus faced the clear doors of the carriage and stared at each and every person who walked by, making unintentional eye contact with a few.

15 minutes into his seemingly peaceful train ride, Regulus saw Sirius. Sirius had grown older, it appeared. Sirius was 2 years older but always looked younger, he looked older today, Regulus thought. Sirius had grown his hair out to shoulder length and had a small stubble growing on his jaw.

Regulus noticed the second Sirius had seen him sitting on the train. Sirius’ face turned into a frown, a sad look covered him and he quickened his pace, running away again.

Regulus moved his eyes forcefully onto the person with Sirius, who had yet to walk past. For a small moment, so small it might have not even happened, Regulus and the boy on the other side made eye contact.

It clicked instantly for Regulus. This was the blonde haired boy with hazel eyes he dreamed of every night in the summer.

Regulus had to think so hard it hurt. Where did he come from? What was his name? Why him?

All he could remember was James, his name was James. Regulus knew he was his brother's friend but he had never even talked to him, if anything they more than likely hated each other, but the smile that had crept onto Regulus’ face proved otherwise.

God this was horrible. The whole being gay thing was bad enough for Regulus but oh my god he was having dreams about his disowned brothers best friend.

Regulus did his best to reassure himself that this couldn’t be so bad, but he was obsessed with one of the notoriously kindest boys in the school and well, Regulus was notorious for being a death eater.

Fuck

Is all he can process after that moment. James walks away and everything stops all over again.

Days had passed, well into the first week of Regulus’ sixth year and he had yet to see James. Regulus did well in his classes, not like he had the option not too, he enjoyed them though. Regulus really didn't mind school, the professors, the food, his friends, the pranks. Barty would always be a pain in the ass to at least one teacher.

This year it was the Defense against the Dark arts professor, it's not like it wasn't warranted though. On their first day of classes Regulus saw Barty and Evan hug before entering the ominously lit classroom. Regulus turned his head to see the professor cringe and look away. Later during class the professor made a very pointed speech about how physical affection of any kind was not tolerated in his classroom, while staring harshly at Barty and Evan, who simply just smirked.

Today, On the third day of classes when Evan, Barty and Regulus walked into their DADA class they were greeted with upwards of 50 hummingbirds flying creating utter disarray. Evan looked left to Barty who was in tears from laughing, and Regulus next to Barty who had the beginnings of a smile seeping through his normally emotionless facade. The trio stood at the entrance happily at the sight of their professor angrily swatting at the birds and eventually deciding to open the windows to try and usher them out. His face was a bright shade of red as he turned to look at the gathering of students at the entrance to the room. A few minutes passed and all of the birds had left and the students took their seats. Barty was still laughing with tear stained pink cheeks.

Very rarely did Regulus see his friends have this much fun.

“Barty I swear to god did you just prank our strictest professor.” Regulus spoke quietly as he opened his textbook to page 17 as instructed.

“Maybe, maybe not.” Barty smiled, whispering back. Barty was never too good at pranks, Evan would always be in charge of things like that. In an odd way Regulus was happy, and in an even more odd way he was sad.

The wizarding war had taken over daily life, and it was guaranteed that anyone fighting had very little time and people on the front line, death eaters, had much less.

So this would most likely be the trio’s last year at Hogwarts, and it seemed they were going to be doing everything they possibly could to make it worthwhile.

Regulus turned back to Barty, “You're going to end up on his bad side.”

“Not for long, I overhear that James Potter, eighth year, was planning something big for this class, and that boy is the fucking best and this stuff.” Barty stops for a second. “What you didn't think I planned this shit through.” Barty questions keeping his voice quiet as the professor starts his class.

Regulus deadpans at the name. Quite literally stopped in his tracks at the mention of some boy. Regulus really can not believe that he cares this much. Regulus thinks for a moment about his options, and how much could possibly go wrong.

Apparently he thinks for so long that when the class ends he doesn't get up, he doesn't even move. Pandora, who was in the next class in Ravenclaw rushes to shove him into consciousness.

“Slytherins left like 5 minutes ago, why are you still here?” Pandora sets her messenger bag down by regulus as she sits down next to the boy getting ready for her class.

“Fuck, I was just thinking.” Regulus glances down at his black and silver watch. 5 minutes late to Ancient Runes, Andromeda was going to murder him. “Shit I have to go pans, I'll see you at lunch break ok, meet at the great hall entrance, love you.” Regulus is moving so fast he doesn't even leave time for Pandora to answer. He runs up a set of stairs, luckily they don't move, and runs down another hall where a first year professor gives him a puzzled look.

Regulus gets to the class in just a few minutes, panting, as he did his best to quietly open the door and join the class. He takes his usual seat sitting next to his cousin. Andromeda purses her lips and glances at him through her peripheral vision. She continued to take notes heavily with her long black hair getting in the way, seemingly unbothered by Regulus’ untimely appearance.

Class goes on and truthfully Regulus does very little learning about Ancient Runes, he is not even sure if he took out any parchment or ink, or what they were learning about. Time moves rather quickly for Regulus with a certain special, or not so special, person intruding in his mind.

Andromeda grabs Regulus’ shoulder, shaking him from his thoughts and pulls him up almost violently.

“What is wrong with you, it is only the third day of classes and you can't even get it together long enough to take out a piece of parchment.” Andromeda asks as they leave the classroom, keeping her voice quiet and harsh. Well that answers his previous question, apparently he hadn't even taken out a piece of parchment.

“Just lots on my mind.” Regulus mumbles and the words are so incoherent he isn't even too sure what he said. Andromeda stares at the manner in which Regulus is conducting himself, his usual pointedness and class seemed to have just washed away, like it was low tide and the water was finally pulling back.

Andromeda lets out a scoff before she walks away for good measure. Regulus doesn't hear it, he's almost positive he's not even living anymore, because only mere feet away from him stood James Potter.

Regulus stills, and everything is gone except for the man smiling in front of him. The curled dirty blond hair and eyes the same color which were crinkled up as he laughed at a joke someone had made near him.

It is all quite pathetic. A death eater keening over a boy he has yet to meet.

As quickly as physically possible Regulus walks away, using every single nerve in his body to not turn around and run back to James.

It wasn’t just that James was stupidly handsome. It was that James was someone he had created. Every night in the previous summer Regulus would add detail to detail on his face, slowly building him into a real person, with those same eyes and smile lines. This was his way out, James was there when nobody else was and it created another realm of possibilities for Regulus. When the younger boy closed his eyes at night he drifted into a world where he was a good person, and the love he had with James was earned, deserved. There was nothing wrong with it, the life he had created in his head was picture perfect. Seeing James was only just a reminder that what he wanted so badly was two steps away and yet he couldn't have it.

Regulus turns back to James who is now also looking blankly back at him. Both boys look like they might just throw up from the sight of each other.

“Excuse me.” Regulus is able to finally mutter. Regulus tries to maneuver quickly around James, he keeps his head down staring harshly into the ground. James barely acknowledges the movement and stays rooted to the spot.

Nearing noon Regulus has a break for lunch, however feeling like he had just been gutted from the inside out, he goes back to the dormitories. Regulus makes it to his bed somehow, and jumps onto the bed.

When Regulus closes his eyes the only thing he sees is the replaying picture of James Potter staring at him. He looked sad, disgusted, maybe even angry, and one thing everybody knew about James was that he was never upset. You could spill burning hot coffee on James and he would somehow find a way to blame himself. This made it blaringly obvious that Regulus Black managed to make the world's happiest boy upset.

Tears are slipping out now, hot, ugly, tears, and before he knows it, Regulus’ body is wracking, and he is gasping for air. Regulus never cried like this, painful sobs taking over his body like a parasite.

Pandora just happens to walk in at that very moment. Her beautifully calm features rise and fall in the shock of the sight in front of her.

Regulus hears a soft “Oh.” before the warmth he has known for so long embraces him fully.

Regulus drifts off to sleep as the vision of James plays on repeat in his head, soothing him gently into sleep. Like it used to once before.