Home.
Valeria looked above her, at the darkened sky, when she felt the heavens weeping upon her.
She couldn't help but reminisce about the past, one strong memory then came to the foreground of her mind.
One she tried to bury in the deepest parts of her being, one she had hoped would stay there.
But alas, it was not meant to be.
And she then felt herself being swept away into its depths.
"Am I a good person, papa?" Valeria hesitantly whispered to her godfather, Sirius Black.
They were at Grimmauld place, sitting on the sofa, it was late at night. And the both of them, not feeling the need to call it a day just yet, have decided to spend some time together until they'll finally head to bed.
She was not looking at him when she asked him the question that's been eating at her for quite some time, she was looking towards the direction of the windows, where she could see the rain hitting them.
She always felt at ease whenever it rained. Ever since she was little.
The rain was like her companion throughout it all, someone that fully understood her pain, her hardships, and cried for her, all of the frustrations she felt, buried deep within her, in her place.
When she could not.
Not with the way she was punished even more for it, when she had dared shed a tear growing up.
When she would beg them for leniency.
When she begged them to stop, that she promised to be good.
They never stopped.
Not until she found a way to make them stop.
Not until she finally let the child part of herself, that was never really a child to begin with, die.
To protect herself.
Here she tries to not let her mind go there, feeling the hurt once more coming upwards.
The hurt she had felt, from when she was just a child.
She was a child then, she finally admits to herself.
The hurt that from then onwards has been bottled up deep within her for all these years.
Hearing Sirius put his drink on the coffee table, and slowly turn towards her in concern at her question, Valeria steels herself for his answer.
For what.
Because she felt afraid.
Afraid to be shunned.
Which a part of herself, consoles her that he would never shun her.
That it's Sirius Black, her godfather, her papa.
But she couldn't help it, because her whole life, she was never taken care of as a child should have been.
She has never felt that sense of security, of having a family that cared, that accepted you for who you are.
That accepted you wholly.
This was new to her, and she was still not fully confident.
In her finally being enough.
Enough to just be herself, that she had finally found a place she could call home.
A family to call home.
"Bambi? What do you mean by that? Please look at me, don't you dare shut yourself out from me. You know I would never shun you…Right?" Was her papa's voice.
"Please.."
It almost broke her, with how it turned desperate at the end.
Hearing him choke it out.
It sounded as though he was holding back in tears.
Tears for her.
Finally heeding his request, at the behest of his pleading, she slowly turns around to face him.
Valeria wants to cry at the sight she's met with.
At the concerned and heartbroken look on her godfather's face.
She couldn't hold it back anymore, and before she realized it, a traitorous tear had slipped down her cheek.
Seeing this, Sirius seemed to be hit in the chest, his eyes clouding in even more pain.
He then engulfed her smaller form in his arms, giving her comfort and shielding her away from the world, from all that would dare harm her.
Even when he knew that he had already failed her in that aspect…But he is here now, and he would be there for her.
He would do everything for her, even give her his life, if it meant saving hers.
But Valeria did not know it at the time, to what lengths her godfather, her papa would go to…for her.
If she knew it then, she would have wished for them to run away, away from it all with their family and friends…away from everything, that had dared wrench them all away from her grasp.
When she could do nothing but watch them all be taken away from her, one after the other…
They were all taken away from her.
"Oh Bambi." He softly whispered, leaving a kiss against her hair, while rocking her trembling form.
Feeling him cup her cheeks in his hands, turning her face towards his. Valeria looks at his earnest eyes.
"I want you to listen to me very carefully, Valeria. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to." Here he then shakes his head, while continuing "Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." He says with much finality, while looking at her with so much acceptance, and love.
Love for her.
"Even with what I have done, what I'm going to do?" She whispers to him, "I'm not good, papa. I want to make them hurt for what they've done to me. And I will." She also wanted to add ‘and to you’ , for the unjust way he has spent so many years locked away in Azkaban, for a crime he did not commit, but she refrained herself from saying it.
And she wasn't naïve in thinking the Death Eaters were the only 'bad' guys, there were far more bad people roaming around in this world.
Especially those who hide behind their benign smiles, while their eyes are stone cold, and minds full of schemes for 'the greater good'.
Those that don't care what will happen to their pawns in the end, for they would have served their purpose.
There is no good or evil, and Valeria knew it from the start. She always knew, and only played along, until the time would come for when she finally decides to flip the board over.
Fuck them all.
She would carve her own path.
And only time will tell, if her work had paid off in the end.
She knew she was never a good person, not truly.
And she would not hide.
She then pauses, while smiling sadly at him. "Will you still think that of me, when you realise what kind of a monster you've opened your arms and home to?" She bitterly asks him, while trying to turn her head away from him.
But she's stopped by the firm grip of her godfather's hand on her chin, that is pulling her gaze once more towards his.
She sees him looking at her in a firm way, with his silver eyes glinting with an emotion she could not discern.
"Now look here, Valeria Carina Potter-Black." He sternly says, the use of her full name made her quiet down and look at him in trepidation.
She was not used to hearing her name from his lips, especially her full name, he would only ever call her with the nickname he's given her. One he gifted her when she was a baby, from the moment he had held her in his arms, as he told her; Bambi, his little fawn.
"Never call yourself that. Never." Even though he said it so softly, it almost felt as though he was shouting it to her, with the way his gaze intensively locked onto hers.
Silver heatedly meeting emerald.
"You're not a monster, you're Bambi. You're my daughter, mine." He says with finality. "Whatever you may do in the future, it will never make you a monster in my eyes. Whatever decisions you might make, that would lead you to think in such a way of yourself…never think that, because you'd have a good reason to do so, and I will stand by you. Whatever choices you will make, never forget, I will be there with you. Every step of the way. You'll never be alone."
He softly says at the end, while giving her a warm smile.
"And anyways, who says you must do it? There are others who are capable as well, adults, to hold off and battle them. You don't have to." Here he then firmly looks at her, "We can go pack our bags, and leave this instant. Away from everything, if you wish it, Bambi. This should never have been your fight to begin with, you're a kid. You are meant to live your life to the fullest." Here he looks at her imploringly, begging her to say it. To say yes. Because he meant it with his whole heart.
Valeria softly smiled at him at that, grateful for the offer…but she knew, she could not run away from this.
And Sirius understood.
And his face closed off for just a moment, until he then gave her a brittle smile.
"Just say the word, and we'll leave. Okay? It's your choice, Bambi, yours and no one else's. Don't feel as though it is set in stone, that you have no other choice in the matter, you always have a choice." He once more tried, even when the both of them knew she would stay firm on her decision.
Even when the both of them wished to run away together, from it all.
His own eyes then teared up at her face, when she finally started to let go of the hurt from within herself.
He then softly smiled at her.
"And anyways, you know how I feel about this place…it was never much of a home to me. Your dad, your grandparents, and my friends were,…" Here he pauses for a bit, his eyes watering for just a moment, as though he wanted to say more, but he stopped himself at the last second.
He then continued, while once more firmly focusing his gaze on her own. "Just as you are my home. Home is not always a place, never forget."
Valeria nods, teary eyed.
Then, like a river, she completely burst out, the tears just kept flowing down on her cheeks.
And she couldn't stop it.
She felt as though a weight had been lifted from her chest. And because of it, all of the hurt that was confined, before, finally burst out of its cage.
"Oh Bambi, come here." He softly says, while shedding his own tears, once more cradling her form so- so softly to him.
As though she would shatter if he'd let go of her.
Which, she admits to, that she would.
She never wants them to be separated from each other.
She wants them to always be together.
Because he is her home.
She doesn't want to think what would happen if he were to not be in her life.
Here she holds herself tighter to his person, forcing the thought out of her mind.
She hopes that it will never come to pass.
'I'll protect us, I'll not let them take you from me, papa. Never.' She then firmly promises in the deepest part of her being.
Her eyes then glinted at the end.
‘I promise.’
And just like the star that he was named after, he had died as well.
She held herself back from outwardly showing any emotions at the memory.
She had failed him.
And she’ll never see him again.
She’ll never smell his comforting scent, that is just him, again.
She will never feel his warmth, when he would especially embrace her strongly. So much so, that she’d not worry about anything, because he was there for her.
He was her home, and she had lost him.
Even after all these years, even when she tried again, when she found a home elsewhere, it still hurt.
Because she will never be over it.
Over losing him.
Her first, true home.
Herpapa.
Feeling the last droplets of the rain fall down on her cheeks, Valeria then looked up at the darkened sky above her.
She then searches for him in the stars.
But she then suddenly feels her throat constrict.
Because she can’t find him.
The one beacon of light, her constant for most of her life.
She can not find him here.
She closes her eyes in pain at the thought, and then finally in acceptance.
For she will never be reunited with him.
But he is at least reunited with them, with the rest of their family and friends.
They're at least together, and at peace.
And that is the only thing that mattered to her.
Even if it meant she'll never join them.
She then opened her eyes in sudden determination, the hurt still lingering, for it will never go away.
She has to continue on, for he would have wanted it for her.
She has found another family here, and she will damned well not let anything happen to them.
Her eyes glint at that,
‘Not again. Not this time.’
She does not see the man beside her, watch her during it all.
The one she had ignored during the start of their journey to the Little Palace.
The General of the Second Army, General Kirigan.
The one who had tried to (countless of times) initiate conversation between the both of them, where she would not deign him with an answer.
Not deterred by it, the General then only continued to watch her throughout the rest of their journey.
In the carriage, with Fedyor, Ivan, Alina and Mal during it all.
“How did the three of you come to be such great friends, if I may ask? And oh, pardon me for not introducing myself earlier, I’m Fedyor Kaminsky!” Fedyor beamed at the girl in front of him, Alina Starkov, the sun summoner, but more importantly, one of Valeria’s dearest friends.
He wants to know more about her, and why not ask from those closest to her.
The friends she holds dear to herself.
Fedyor really wants to know more about her, because he’d really like to be good friends with her.
For he already considered her to be his friend, but he did not truly know if she considered him to be hers in truth…
Here his eyes glinted in determination (which made Ivan suddenly move in his seat in uncomfortableness at the sudden sight of it, for that glint could not mean anything positive, Ivan would know from experience…), the best of friends, really.
But he’s also interested in both of her friends, yes, even mister grumpy.
He wants them all to be friends, he decides.
But back to the matter at hand.
Ms Starkov, who was at first stuck in her thoughts, has now put her attention fully on him, after hearing his question.
Which specifically involved Valeria.
But her gaze is not the only one that is suddenly directed towards him, even Mr grumpy has put his whole attention upon him.
Here he makes a mental note to himself, ‘Both immediately respond to the name of their dearest friend, while sweet, it could also be useful, for in the future..’
But he then shakes himself away from those thoughts, keeping his attention solely on the pair in front of him.
He will get his answers, finally!
Fedyor is definitely excited about learning more about his favorite topic at the moment (who is he kidding, he thinks he’ll never tire of her, for she has his full devotion without even knowing of it, sorry Ivan, my better half and the love of my life. Who will always be the love of my life! I can’t help how I feel, you’ll understand anyways…).
All thingsValeria Cherniak.
Seeing the expectant, but also excited gaze of the man, Alina is floored by it all.
What with her mind still being stuck on the situation she suddenly found herself in, on her decision, to go to the Little Palace to learn.
To learn how to control her powers.
Which she only agreed to, would only happen if both of her friends joined her.
Which, the General surprisingly immediately agreed to after stealing a glance in Valeria’s direction.
His gaze was unreadable to her.
But Alina was glad nonetheless, especially when Valeria added that they’d leave when they want to leave, and that he especially could do nothing about it.
Because it would be their choice in the end, if they wanted to stay or not.
After some pauze, where both of their gazes were locked onto one another in a heated battle (, one could compare it to).
Which it most definitely looked like to Alina.
The Darkling, the General of the Second Army, General Kirigan finally relented and agreed to her demands.
Only if she would join him, ride by his side, during the whole journey to the Little Palace, with Alina and Mal joining both of his Heartrenders in the carriage throughout it all.
Which they agreed to, well Valeria with an unreadable look in her eyes to it all.
One Alina could not shake away from her mind during the whole journey.
She worries for Ria.
Especially because it was raining at the moment, and both Alina and Mal knew she’d get into a sudden bout of melancholia because of it.
They were always close to her when it would happen, they would snap her back to reality, back to them.
But they can’t do that now, what with them being in the carriage and her far away from them both, at the front with the General…she was alone throughout it all.
They may not exactly know why she would get into it suddenly, but they have their suspicions. Especially after she finally told them both of her life, from before…
They are worried even more for her, which Alina knows Mal is as well.
Because they don’t need to audibly communicate about such things, especially when it concerns their big sister. Ria.
But back to the matter at hand, the Heartrender’s question.
Fedyor Kaminsky.
The one she’s seen Ria talk with after entering the carriage.
They already seemed familiar with one another, and Alina definitely wants to know how they seem so well acquainted with one another.
Especially because Valeria does not open up that quickly to people, so this man, Fedyor must be an interesting fellow for her big sister to have opened up to so readily.
Alina is definitely not jealous, no.
She shakes her mind out of the sudden thought, and finally answers the man and tells him about how the three of them have met.
Which did not stop there, because he kept on asking questions (all with a sudden shine to his eyes) which she then answered, and told him of, of how much Valeria means to them.
She is their whole world, you see. Which Fedyor fully nods his head at, all the while asking her to continue.
Alina then complied.
And the man, Fedyor, seemed to be even more starry eyed throughout it all.
With his eyes glistening and everything, from every question of his being answered, and more that Alina spilled to the man.
Alina is awed by it.
Someone else, who is not Mal and her… She has found another that is equally as enamored by their dearest friend as them!
This is great!
Now Alina finally understands, she understands why Ria opened up to the man so readily.
He is very likable and kind!
“Ria gave us everything, really,” Alina continues to say to her enraptured audience, even the stony and hulking man next to Fedyor seemed to be listening in, even if it seemed otherwise.
Ivan was his name.
The one Fedyor enthusiastically introduced them to, "Oh sorry for forgetting to introduce the person beside me, this is my better half, Ivan!" as he told them with a smile, while pointedly looking at his lover, to greet them.
Which he did not do.
The man only stared at him for a moment, before turning his attention elsewhere, away from them.
Which made Fedyor huff at him, all the while he’s telling them both not to mind him.
“He’s just really shy, don’t mind him. I’m sure we’ll all be very good friends!” He then beamed at the end towards them, which Alina then returned.
But she wasn’t certain about being good friends with Ivan that is…
But back to their conversation.
About her most favorite topic, of all things Ria!
Something she seemed to share with Fedyor it seemed.
Yes, Alina definitely sees why Valeria opened up to the man, because she already likes him herself.
What’s not to like, really, when they seem to already have a lot in common with one another!
“She gave us a home.” Alina continues to explain, “She gave us the warmth we never had, we didn’t know the feeling of it before we met her. She made us feel whole.” She admits, and then also sadly looks at her audience for what she’ll say next.
“ I can’t tell you much more about her, because really, it’s her choice to tell her story if she wants to tell you or not. But what I can say is that she had really lived a hard life before this.”
Confused, Fedyor, with a worried expression on his face, then asks her to explain.
“You know that she had spent some time in the Fold, that she survived it for some time. But before that, Valeria…”
“She lost a lot.” Mal then says, when Alina seemed to stop herself from continuing.
Looking at the surprised face of Fedyor, but also the interested face of Ivan beside him.
Mal then continues.
“She lost a lot of people she cared about, really, it’s a wonder, with the life she had lived…it’s a wonder she hasn’t lost herself.” He then sadly says at the end.
Mal and Alina may depend on her a lot, but she depends on them as well.
She’s as much a rock for them, just as they are for her.
He then directly makes eye contact with the pair in front of him, “Valeria is capable of destroying the world, for those she cares deeply about.” Here he had fully ensnared their attention, especially the hulking one.
“And nothing would stand in her way, if something were to happen to those she deems hers.” He continues to say, not noticing the way the big one is fully focused on him now.
Not that Mal, and Alina especially he knows, won’t do the same if something were to happen to Valeria. Here he then envelops his hand in a fist at the thought.
The both of them are definitely protective of her.
She may have a cold exterior, as though nothing may faze her… but the both of them know that lying within, is a person who is hurting.
They want to protect her, because they are afraid.
Afraid of something happening to her.
Of the final straw, within her, that is keeping her intact, finally breaking.
That she’ll drown even more into its depths…
Into the darkness.
Both Fedyor and Ivan share a look between one another, in understanding.
Because from what they are hearing… Valeria Cherniak seems to have a lot in common with their esteemed General.
And Fedyor’s mind is suddenly racing with thoughts because of it…
Of possibilities.
He wonders how it all will play out in the end, he hopes it’ll be for the better really.
Fedyor hopes it with his whole heart.