angela remembered the many nights she left amanda’s side in their hotel room,
a boundary that hurt her but she had to put up.
she could live without her love in real life, but she knew that she would not be able to hold her at night and let her go in the morning.
amanda woke up alone, again, in their hotel room, again.
she couldn’t remember how things changed so fast, but she knew she couldn’t go back to a time were she hadn’t tasted angela’s lips.
the hunger that her body felt now moved onto her heart, yearning for a night with angela, and not only a passionate evening.
she hadn’t told angela but h and her were already talking with lawyers for their divorce.
angela hadn’t told amanda but that was their last night together before the text that ended it all.
angela knew it was a coward move, but it would’ve been impossible to say what she needed to say under amanda’s gaze.
it started with a simple yet brutal
“i can’t do this anymore”
as amanda was processing and writing a response, she got another text.
“i know i shouldn’t say it like this
i know i am being shitty but manda
i cannot say it to your face.
my body is literally incapable of
saying this in front of you.
but i cannot continue this affair.
as much as i love you
this thing we have, us, hurts me.
and i now it hurts you too.”
“i know you love me,
but you will never love me like i love you
and i knew that the first time
we crossed the line.
i knew the consequences.
you did too.
and we shouldn’t have crossed the line
but we’re human i guess.”
“for so long i thought the crumbs
of your love were enough for me.
but i can’t keep that going.
my hands want to hold yours
all day,
my lips yearn for your kisses
every time i see you
and we can’t have that.”
“and i knew that.
you love h, and honestly i do too, he’s my friend
and i feel so bad every time i see him.
it also hurts me not sharing this thing
i feel with anyone else.
so i can’t keep doing this.”
“i understand if i lose you because of this
i understand if you hate me, manda.
but i need a little bit of peace.
i need to take our nights,
put them in a box and lock them in a safe.
not forget them, i will never forget this.
but i need to move on and so do you.
i am truly sorry, but its the best. for us two.
and for what will be left of our friendship.
i’ll always love you manda.”
angela had that text already written, she poured her feelings in the uber on the way home from the hotel.
amanda went to the crying bathroom and wrote and ereased, wrote and ereased, wrote and ereased, a response.
“ang you cannot drop this like this.
come to smosh at 8, we’ll talk”
“please g”
“i can’t manda, i’m on my way to san diego,
we don’t need to talk about this.
amanda please, let’s pretend it didn’t happen.
not forget, but pretend.”
“is this what you truly want?”
“no.
it’s what we need”
“you don’t know what i need”
“amanda”
“angela.”
“i love you amanda”
“don’t you ever talk to me.
ever again, angela.”
“don’t do this manda
don’t shut me off”
“this is what we need.
let’s pretend we didn’t happen.
from now on we’re just co-workers,
no problem”
“amanda i didn’t mean it like that.
i don’t wanna lose you”
“you lost me the moment you broke up with me in a text message”
angela wrote and erased many responses until she clicked send.
“this isn’t a break up.
because you and i know that there was nothing
to break”
“fuck you. angela”
and amanda blocked angela, just for a day. she needed to wind down, to process the feelings, to cry in the bathroom, to take a deep breath and pretend nothing happened.
lucky for both of them they were amazing actresses, and once angela came back it all went back to normal. none of their friends seemed to notice the slight tension every time amanda joked about amangela, none of their colleagues noticed how their friendship was less and less touchy.
there was no conversation, they didn’t need nor wanted to talk,but for better or for worse they could read each other's mind.
--
a year went by, and the amanda ang angela that existed before were nowhere to be found.
their relationship wasn’t cold as ice, to be honest logic dictates that it should but no.
their dynamic, in private, was hotter than a volcano.
and not in the hot passionate way they both would want.
the passion that was built up inside them turnt into viscerous hatred, but only between them, angela, amanda and their text thread.
publicly, amanda teased angela from time to time, angela ignores her, resulting in angela’s greatest performances and their friends and colleagues barely noticed it since it became like that gradually, they only were aware of the change of dynamics when remembering old anecdotes, and it usually ended with a “well people grow apart” “yeah but seeing it in them is weird” “at least there’s no drama”. if they knew..
a year went by, angela was in less smosh videos, amanda was still a full time employee
angela had a girlfriend, amanda had been divorced for months.
everybody new amelia, ang’s girlfriend, and they were already accustomed to amanda’s one night stand weekly stories.
everything was okay. they were cordial, in public, but they haven’t spent much time alone since that hotel night, and when they did their gazes turnt into daggers.
they haven’t spent much time alone until vidcon, where they had to share not only the room but also the bed.
once they got into the bedroom, they closed the door and they stared at each other for a while.
five seconds went by but it felt like centuries. and they both felt a flicker of nostalgia in the other’s gaze.
“i can ask chanse to swap rooms”
“tommy would ask questions”
“yeah and chanse too”
“he doesn’t know?”
“about what?”
“nothing”
the tension was so intense it could’ve been cut with a knife.
the focused on unpacking and getting ready for the team dinner, not bucca, that was for the last vidcon night, they were going to sushi.
they got ready ignoring each other, but really thinking about the bizarre situation they both were in.
they were ex-lovers, ex-best friends, current co-workers and no one knew.
sure people shipped them, sure their friends had suspicions, they weren’t dumb, but they also knew how to respect boundaries.
no one knew and that shared loneliness was slowly bringing both of them to the verge of insanity.
the dinner went well, smooth, fun, neither amanda nor angela drank because both of them had a panel in the morning.
they said goodbye to their friends in the hotel corridor, entered their shared room and dropped their fake smiles once they saw the bed.
again.
hotel beds, amanda and angela, a trio for the books.
amanda went and did her night time routine and stared a little too much at angela while she was getting ready.
a million flashbacks wento to her mind.
when the fuck her brain decided angela was the love of her life, and when did it change so fast to her being her fucking nemessis?
when did all the love turnt into bickering in chat. when did it turn into shameless jealousy, and why didn’t she feel shame sharing that jealousy with angela.
“saw your girlfriend dropping you off, y’all are cute
i hope you don’t leave her for san diego soon,
would be a shame”
“fuck you amanda”
but it was the other way around
“nice hickey lehan”
“miss them?”
“you wish”
“fuck you giovann”
angela spoke and it broke every thought that was going through amanda’s mind.
this is what secret affairs mount up to.
broken friendships, tensed up shootings, headaches, lots of headaches
and heartache.
“amanda what the fuck do you want now?”
maybe it was the physical exhaustion of a travelling day or maybe it was the mental exhaustion of keeping up this pantomime, but a wave of honesty went trough amanda.
“you”
“shut up amanda, you’re an asshole, you know that?” - angela answered with a bitter smile.
“angela…”
“do not fucking angela me”
“angela i wanna be yours as i much as you to be mine”
“well it’s too fucking late for that, isn’t it?”
amanda swallowed that hard pill. she didn’t have a witty response, she couldn’t answer angela, silence reigned in the room.
was it late for them?
honestly it felt like it. they lived though the beauty of the passion and pleasure each other brought but they also survived to the ugly part of each other. they knew the best and the worst of one another, could they accept both of those parts?
angela broke the silence.
“now you are ready to be mine? now that i’ve moved on, now that i introduced Amelia to fucking everyone, now you are fucking ready?” anger was slowly taking over angela, her barely showed this side to the world but showed it to amanda many times.
if the people knew how much angela’s words could hurt amanda they wouldn’t believe it.
“that’s unfair angela, i couldn’t i wasn’t…” amanda was still struggling with the answers.
“yeah no i know, you couldn’t divorce H, you weren’t ready to come out and I understood amanda. i was the one sneaking out, i was the one letting go of your hand when you unconsciously held mine, i was the one who got crumbs of your love. and i do not regret anything about that. but now?” anglea let go an ironic laugh “now that i’m okay. now that i have a love that wants me, that i deserve, that makes me shine. now that i’m fine amanda. now you want me?”
amanda understood all of that, but she could also see the bullshit between angela’s words.
“but are you tho?”
“what”
“are you fine? have you gotten over me?”
“amanda…”
“you broke up with me, you-”
“don’t you fucking dare you broke things first, or don’t you remember when we had our first fight? when we got back together after you fucking tried to stay loyal to fucking H.
“hey you loved H”
“i fucking did, he was my friend, but he was also the love of my fucking life’s husband.”
*start flashback*
their first and only fight before breaking things off.
angela was having a shitty week, amanda left her a couple of weeks before, and she was now in her bed. amanda wanted to try and be with her husband, and that left her heart broken.
ang missed a couple of rehearsals, she wasn’t at her A game and she was the embodiment of bitterness. so when amanda knocked at her door and kissed her with a hunger she hasn’t seen in amanda, angela decided to fuck her frustrations away.
angela was getting up off the bed, picking a blanket and going to the sofa when amanda demanded a night together.
“ang i want you to stay for a night, please.”
“you know i can’t Amanda. i told you.”
“angela stop thinking this is just sex for me, know that my heart lays in this bed too”
angela dropped the carefulness that she was using to talk to amanda and let her bitterness show
“manda, as long as that ring is still on your finger your words mean nothing to me.” she said softly but bitter.
“why? why does the ring matter so much?? angela I want you but-”
“but you will spend every night with him, you will build a life, a family with him and I’ve accepted that. I’ve accepted the fucking left overs of your love and time as the little substance that will keep me going, so don’t worry you still have me, but fuck you.”
“wow. i-.”
angela didn’t let her finished and unleashed whatever she was hiding deep inside her soul.
“save it Amanda, save it you are a selfish piece of shit that I happen to fucking fell in love with and because of that because of the grab you have on my heart, and because i also am a selfish piece of shit and allowed myself in this situation. i will stay silent in your closet because as much as I hate this, I can't live without it. as much as i hate you, my love for you is bigger than that”
this was 3 months before angela breaking things off.
this was the small portal of the future that awaited them.
*end flashback*
“you could’ve left, ang, you booked big in New York you could’ve left, but you didn’t”
“god you are a fucking narcissist. amanda. do you think i stayed because of you? are you crazy?”
“i don’t know, am i? look me in the eyes and tell me you didn’t stay because of me”
“fuck you”
“exactly. you can’t even say it. you have a fucking girlfriend and still spend your time humoring me, letting me trashtalk you. you want me.”
“amanda fuck you, yes I willingly let you mess with my head with your wickedness and your words and our memories, and i reciprocate it. but know this I rather have you bothering me, messing with me, I rather have us hate each other than having your lips on my skin again. As much as I want it, that's the one satisfaction I won’t give you nor give me.”
“But Manda also know that I rather die fighting with you, I rather die by the fucking venom you spew every time we talk than live with the peace of your absence. So fuck you, but fuck me too.”
Silence.
angela goes to the room’s terrace, sits, a couple of minutes pass, she takes a deep breath and faces amanda again.
“it’s fucking sad amanda, but i will never, ever get over you. i am 100% sure of that, and that’s a pain i’ll take to my grave, and that’s a love i won’t be able to give and that’s my selfishness and fear of being alone showing up. and it is fucking unfair towards me and towards amelia and i know that, i am too aware of that.”
amanda tried to get closer to angela, but she put her hand up asking for space and continued.
“but i can’t go back to you amanda, you hurt me so fucking much and i know i hurt you too. we’re no good to each other, we are no good to our friends. for god sake we’re reaching the point where we’ve hated each other more than we loved each other amanda it’s crazy, it’s sick.”
amanda got to her, kneeled in front of her to make angela look into her eyes.
“i would leave angela, i swear. i can’t co-exist with you if i can’t hold you. the thought of seeing you with her burns my heart, makes a knot in my stomach that i can’t undo without having you.
i would leave, but i can’t, i know i’m being stubborn and selfish and toxic but to be honest fighting with you scratches a part of my brain that i only felt alive kissing you. i would leave if i could, for you, for us, but, i’ve tried and i can’t.”
they both looked into each others eyes and laughed at the situation, angela tries to verbalize a thought that scared her throughout this year.
“do you also feel a string pulling us onto each other? like whenever i think i'm good, i think that i can live without you, there’s something that takes me back to you”
“yeah”
Silence.
amanda sits on the other chair in front of angela.
“so what do we fucking do” amanda asks.
“therapy probably” angela answers.
“and be just numb towards each other?”
“you rather hate me visceraly?”
“yes. and i’d rather have you hate me than ignore me”
“this is bullshit”
“but you know it’s true”
“i hate you so much”
“me too”
“i can’t leave amelia”
“and we can’t leave smosh”
“and i can’t leave you”
“and i can’t leave you either”
as the tension dialed down angela looked at the view while amanda was looking at her.
“so what now” amanda asks still looking at her view.
“we will never know peace until we forget each other” angela announces.
“i don’t know if want peace” amanda answers.
“i know i need peace, but i don’t think i can have it”
“let’s not fight then, at least we have a little bit of peace”
“you now that’s impossible”
“i’ll try”
“you can’t”
“then le-”
“i wont leave manda, and you either”
they both once were each others confidants
and right there they still were.
no one knew about this citation, no one could help, no one could meddle.
amanda remembered when they were best friends and tried to go back to that era of them.
“do you think you’ll propose to Amelia?”
angela still evaded amanda’s eyes, answer with full honesty, it was crazy to her, but amanda was still the safest place for her truth.
“i think she’s gonna leave me”
ans shock went through amanda’s body.
“why would she?”
“i think she knows.”
“are you going to let her go?”
“yeah, i mean i deserve it”
“and then what”
“don’t wait for me, amanda.”
“i can give you peace, you know we can be peace”
“not anymore”
“i know.”