Remus shivered on the train platform as he waited for any sign of, well, anything. He’d never taken a train on his own before, having never gone that far from his home, so this would be entirely new to him. His keeper, Mrs. Guinevere had left only moments ago, leaving him to get on the train.
A million thoughts ran through his head. What if he somehow did it wrong? What if there was a certain door you were meant to go through. What if he sat in a compartment he wasn’t supposed to and got expelled before he’d even set foot in the school? What if he wasn’t really magic at all, and the letter had been a fluke, meant to go to some other Remus Lupin who lived in Wales? What if they all instantly knew of his… disorder? What if they could smell it on him? The smell of rot and muck that constantly surrounded him, something he was always all too aware of, maybe others were aware of it too.
These anxieties itched at his brain as he inched his way through the groups of wizard families. He stood on the sidelines for a moment, amongst the witch and wizard parents and siblings as they hugged and kissed their wizard children goodbye before waving them off on the Hogwarts Express. He stood there for quite a while, until a new anxiety fixed in his brain.
What if he missed the train?
He quickly rushed towards the train, pushing past a few people, and into one of the doors—one that he had seen several students go through, so it must be fine, right? It was only moments after that when the train began to lurch into movement.
Once he was in the train he found himself once again lost for what to do. He lugged his suitcase down the thin aisle, and searched for a compartment that was empty, hoping he would be able to catch some sleep on the ride there. He settled for one with an open door.
The only one that was such contained three other boys his age. One small boy with mousy hair, one with sleek black hair and a sharp nose, and one with dark skin and glasses. The small boy and the bespeckled one were engaged in a rowdy conversation, and didn’t seem to notice Remus standing awkwardly in the doorframe to their train compartment. The third, however, caught his eye quickly and gave him a smile that was soft, a stark contrast to his sharp features.
Remus felt a spark in his chest that he wouldn’t identify yet for many months. And longer yet before he would tell a soul. It wouldn’t be until much later, tired at a Gryffindor Quidditch party in their second year, when he would tell Mary MacDonald that he had feelings for a certain raven haired friend of his. To which Mary would smile, kiss his cheek, and tell him all about how often she thought about Lily Evans’s eyes. It was a relief to know, then, that there were other queers at Hogwarts, though not surprising. But he’s not quite there yet, he has two years left to go.
The raven haired boy waved him in, and he sat down in the only empty seat, across from the mousy haired boy, who only just now looked up and noticed him.
The four held an awkward silence for far too many minutes, and Remus felt far too wound up in his own anxieties to break it. Luckily for him, he didn’t have to.
“I’m James Potter,” the brown skinned boy said, sticking a hand in his direction with a lopsided grin.
“Er- Remus. Lupin.”
The sorting ceremony was yet another of the most agonizing experiences in Remus’s life, and it had only been one day. It took ages for his name to get called, and by that time, he’d already spent many minutes wallowing in his own anxiety over houses. He supposed Ravenclaw might make sense, he’d always been called bright by his ‘muggle’ teachers, but it felt wrong. Plus, after Sirius got sorted into Gryffindor, Remus wanted to be there more than anything.
He begged to himself, as he approached the stool for his own sorting, that he could be brave enough to get into Gryffindor. That he could be brave at all.
Remus had never been brave. He’d spent his entire life periled by the constant anxieties in his mind. Intrusive thoughts telling him what he should and shouldn’t do. Obsessions, his handler had called them, and compulsions. He’d often wondered, had he never been bitten, if he would still be this way. He hoped somewhere out there, there was a version of him who was free from both curses.
His obsession at that time was quickly absolved when the sorting hat yelled out Gryffindor for the whole dining hall to hear, after barely a moment on top of his head.
“Plenty brave enough,” the hat had said, “Perfect for… Gryffindor!”
Remus wondered if it had somehow been looking in the wrong mind.
Remus was mostly silent all throughout the opening feast. He listened calmly to the others' conversation, and wondered to himself if perhaps these boys would end up becoming his friends. He hoped so, they all seemed like lovely people, if a little rowdy. The three sprung from topic to topic like wild mice, not lingering on any one subject for more than a minute, before one of them thought of some other thing to talk about.
A few times, one of them would ask him his opinion, and he would answer as best as he could, but often they were talking about some wizard thing that he’d never heard of, and he’d have to awkwardly stutter out an “I don’t know,” or something of the like
“Who’s your favorite?” James asked, poking Remus in the side, “What do you think?”
Remus took a moment to swallow the brioche in his mouth. “What do I think of what?”
Sirius swung an arm out in apparent frustration, which made Remus shrink into his seat ever so slightly. Had he done something? Clearly he should know this, how stupid could he get?
“James over here apparently thinks that Tom Urius is a better Quidditch player than Gregory Prewitt.”
“I never said who was a better Quidditch player one way or the other Black, I said he’s my favorite.”
Sirius scoffed and flopped his arm back to his side dramatically. James gave Remus another pointed look.
“I don’t really follow Quidditch, so I can’t say I have a favorite player.” He shot Sirius a look as the other opened his mouth, “Or a stance on this argument.”
The two carried on with their bickering into the night, when the four of them were given a room together in Gryffindor tower, solidifying the universe's decision in them all becoming friends. Remus felt a warmth in his heart he’d never quite had before.
All of his friends in the past had been… different, to say the least. Any friendships formed were entirely out of necessity. Two people trapped in a space together that bond for the sake of having a bond with another person. He cherished some of those friendships dearly in his memories, sure, but they were nothing like this.
Had they wanted to, Sirius, James, and Peter could have tossed him to the wayside the second he got out of their train compartment. Said their goodbyes and went on their way. He could have ended up the awkward, fourth wheel roommate to the three of them. They didn’t need to keep talking to him. In fact, he’d expected them not to.
But still, they cheered when he got into Gryffindor house. They clapped him on the back as the four sat together in the great hall. They smiled at him, and joked with him, when they certainly did not have to.
Remus could not find it in himself to wonder.