Remus likes the common room at night.
It's probably his favourite place to be when he can't fall asleep. It's calm and comforting, intimate in a way that makes him feel safe. The fireplace is the only source of light, filling the room in an orange glow, textbooks and parchments forgotten by exhausted students are laying on the tables and the couches next to the fireplace still have the marks of the people that sat on them. But his favourite spot is the windowsill. From there, he can see the outline of the forbidden forest and imagine what it'll be like to run around as Moony soon enough.
The moon is already high up the sky, a couple days away from the full and the stars are keeping it company, seeming to dance with it brighter than Remus remembered them to be. The window is cracked open to let out the smoke of his fag out, a ceramic ashtray made by Mary sitting on his thigh. He's already on his third one, but sleep isn't coming anytime soon so he just keeps going. He already knows he will not get any sleep tonight. It's ok though, it happens sometimes. He'll just drink more tea than usual for breakfast and take a nap during one of his class, a boring one probably. He already has done this a couple times, it's starting to be routine at this point.
What isn't routine is James coming down the stairs in his red plaid pyjama bottom and a Bowie shirt he stole from Remus's trunk.
-What're you doing awake? It's two in the morning mate. He says as he runs an hand in his hair and walks up to him.
-Can't sleep. Remus answers, turning his head to look at him. You?
-Just a lot in my head right now. James comes sit on the windowsill on the opposite of Remus, making him bend his legs.
-Do you wanna talk about it?
Remus knows damn well how James works. He will ignore a thought that might upset him until it gets too crowded up there and he has no choice but to face it. Usually, Sirius is the one dealing with him when it gets to this point but Remus knows that what he needs right know is someone to talk to.
He offers him a fag that he accepts with a small `cheers’. After Remus lights up his own, he bends over and lights James's, an hand cupping the fag so as to not let the wind blow away the flame. James doesn't move, at all. He kind of looks surprised or flustered, Remus honestly can't tell. Nonetheless, he looks at him with wide eyes behind his round golden glasses, holding his fag close to his mouth without taking a drag.
-You okay Prongs? The words seems to snap him out of his thoughts because he breaks eye contact and takes a drag of his fag.
-Do you ever feel like- like all you ever believed in is fake? He asks in a murmur, looking at his feet.
-Do you feel that way? Remus flicks his ash in the ashtray balanced on his knee and tries to make James look up by gently tapping his leg with his free hand.
-Yeah, I do.
From Remus outsider's perspective, that looks painful to admit. His voice is low, the way it would if he was sharing a secret. Remus sees his hands shaking a bit, even if he tries to hide them.
-Why? He leans against the wall and takes a drag of his fag looking directly at James.
James opens then closes his mouth multiple times before taking another drag. Now he looks frustrated with himself. His eyebrows are furrowed and he's bitting his bottom lip.
-I don't think I love Lily anymore. I'm not sure if I ever liked her in the first place. It's- shit.
He stays quiet a few seconds, trying to get his words right.
-I feel really lost. I know I've had the thought for a while, probably since the start of term, but I kept ignoring it and pushing it away until I couldn't anymore. I can't think of anything else. it's- it's quite literally driving me fucking insane.
-Right. Do you know what started this whole... identity crisis? His tone is soft, Remus knows how much the realisation must hurt James.
Remus has always known that James loves Lily, that's not a secret for anyone anymore. It's more of a fact. The way the grass is green, you have to breath to stay alive, the sky is blue, James is in love with Lily. No one has ever known anything else. He's been head over heels for her since the first train ride to Hogwarts. Remus didn't even knew his name that James said confidently that he'd marry the red head that just walked past them on the platform.
And he tried, he did everything to get her attention, to get her to go out with him. She always said no. Punched him in the nose once, when he pushed too hard. Remus thinks it's a miracle she even accepted to be his friend. He knows he wouldn’t have. That one might actually be a lie, but he isn’t ready to battle with himself over wether he should have or shouldn’t have accepted Sirius’s apology. James is a sunrise and Lily is a sunset. They're on opposite timelines.
But last year, she started to warm up to him. He was ecstatic, never shutting up about it. When Marlene had had enough of his bullshit, she took him by the collar of his shirt, shook him a bit and told him to respect her boundaries, them being that they would stay friends, and friends only. Since then, James has respected it. He started to talk less about Lily and when he did, it was always in a fond and respectful way. He listened to what she had to said and she was nice to him the moment he stopped trying to ask her out every time they passed each other in the corridors.
-I do actually. James isn't looking at him. He is very much avoiding eye contact, actually.
-Oi, Look at me. James, look at me. When he turns his gaze to fix Remus's, there is tears in his eyes. His voice is steady when he talks but his eyes says it all.
-Lily is everything I've ever known. I knew I'd marry her since day one. She is perfect in every aspects : She is smart, kind, confident, generous, beautiful, she isn't scared to say what she thinks and she is such a lovely person in general. It would be simple. It would be so simple to be with her, Remus.
-She is your friend. You know she doesn't feel that way for you James.
-I know and I respect it. I'm so happy to be her friend, that's more than enough for me. It isn't much about the unrequited love but more about the change, you know? I hate change. I don't want things to change. I don't want to grow up, grow out of things and people I once loved. I want everything to stay this way forever. Change is scary, not loving Lily is terrifying.
James seems drained, tired. His eyes are glossy and he leans his head against the wall to look up to the stars.
-I think you love her. I truly do. Maybe it's not the love you thought it would be at eleven years old, but that's okay. You were- you still are a kid. No one expects you to know everything, you are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed to be confused and realise years later that you mixed up your feelings for Lily along the way.
-I'm not a kid anymore. James takes a drag of his fag and turns his head to exhales.
-Still, we’re sixteen. We are kids. We make mistakes and we learn from them. that's how life works. Your love for Lily might have been one of them but that's okay. It's good James. Don't see it as a bad thing. She is asking for your friendship and now you will be able to give that to her. Romantic feelings would have ruined your friendship, it would have been really bad for both of you. You would have lost the thing you've been chasing after for years.
-That’s... I needed to hear that. Thank you. James has a tiny smile on his lips and that’s enough for Remus.
-You're welcome mate, anytime. He lightly shoves James with his knee, lights up another fag and tosses the pack to James.
-Can i ask you another question?
-Go on. Remus exhales and cocks his head to the side.
-How did you realised you were gay?
-Oh. Oh
Remus wasn't expecting that question. In all the things James could've said, that one wasn't an option in Remus's mind at all. But that might explain the Lily identity crisis.
-You don't have to-
-It's okay Prongs. I'll tell you. I realised during the summer of fourth year. Some family friends were visiting and I had to share a room with their son. He was one or two years older than me I think, but we got on immediately. He made my stomach feels weird just by the way he looked and talked to me. I didn't know what was wrong with me and just shoved the feeling away. One night, our parents were out and we had the house for ourselves. We stole liquor from the cabinet and got pissed. We laid down on my bed and I so desperately wanted to get closer to him, to touch him in any way I could. I was fighting the thought so hard that i didn't realise he was the one getting closer until our hands were touching.
-Did you kissed him? James asks, his arms around his legs.
-Hell yeah I did. Remus laughs. I almost jumped on him. I was so drunk and I just wanted to feel his hands on me. The feeling was very mutual as I got to learn.
-Did you shagged?
-No, but it was heated.
James hums and looks out the window for a couple of minutes, silence settling between them. Remus observes him. He's holding his fag with one hand, the other holding his legs; his head is resting on top of his knees and he is looking at the stars, his eyelashes fluttering shut every now and then.
-I think I might like blocks. James blurts out.
-Good for you mate, it's amazing.
James is peacefully looking at the night sky for a second and the next, he is pacing in a circle like an hysteric, moving his hands in the air as he rambles.
-But I also like girls, I think. I mean, I kissed a lot of girls and I liked it. I even shagged one and that was great too. So I must like girls, right? On the other hand, i've never kissed or shagged a block. So how do I know i'm attracted to them for sure? can I even like both? is that a thing?
-You can like whoever you want James.
-Cool. that's awesome. But I still don't know if I want to shag blocks though. How do you even know this kind of stuff?
-I'll kiss you, if you want. Remus says, a laugh threatening to escape his lips.
-Thanks - wait, what? he stops pacing and looks at Remus with a funny look.
-I'll kiss you. that way you know if you're attracted to blocks or not.
-I mean- No. Sirius would kill me, literally. He picks up his pace again, circling in front of a smirking Remus.
He puts out his fag, licks his lips and jumps off the windowsill before walking straight to James. He takes his head in his hands and puts his lips on his, quite aggressively. James freezes for a second before putting his hands on Remus waist and kissing him back. Remus wasn't expecting the kiss to go that way.
James grabs his hips and walks him back to the windowsill. The surprise of hitting the wall makes Remus open his mouth slightly and James must take it as a sign to slide his tongue in the other's mouth. That's really unexpected for Remus. Nonetheless, he goes with it. James taste like mint toothpaste and tobacco, it feels nice. Remus has one hand in James's hair, the other on the base of his neck. The kiss deepens and keeps on going for a moment before Remus lightly pushes James back by his shoulders. James takes two steps back and looks straight in his eyes.
-That...That was- James doesn't finish his sentence but sighs deeply, his glasses crooked on his head.
-I would personally say unexpected. You liked it didn't you? Remus says leaning back on the wall, pink and swollen lips revealing a cocky grin.
-Fucking hell i did. I'd fuck you right now. Remus eyebrows fly up and James laughs for two seconds before, quite literally, panicking.
-Wait- no. I wouldn't shag you. You're my best friend. I mean, the kiss was mind blowing. You have really soft lips, which I wasn't expecting, and that tongue of yours...
-James...
-Shit, sorry. Anyway, thanks for the help. I definitely like guys, and would love to shag one of them. But you're my best friend, nothing more. Sirius would kill me if I had a crush on you. Oh my god, I don't even want to think about it.
-Calm the fuck down James. I wouldn't shag you either, even if I had the chance to. Remus sits back down on the windowsill, his back to the window, his legs dangling in the air.
-What's that supposed to mean? Why wouldn't you shag me? Am I not attractive?
-It's not that, you're really attractive. But first of all, you're not my type and you're not the bloke I like either.
-Oh. That's great I guess. I wouldn't shag you either.
James laughs, hops on next to him and elbows him lightly. He picks up the pack of fags left between them and takes one. He light it, takes a drag and give it to Remus before lighting another one and sitting with his back to the wall, his feet touching Remus’s leg.
-You like Sirius, don't you?
-Is it that obvious ? Remus turns to look at him.
-It's obvious to me because I know you. I think Peter might have his suspicions. But again, you're his best friend too.
-It sucks.
-How so? James takes a drag and in the silence of the common room, his exhales sounds loud.
-He is my best friend, I can't have him the way I want to.
-Why not? Remus clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes but his response feels more vulnerable than he wanted it to be.
-He is too much. He's too good for me, truly. Sirius is as beautiful as the stars. He shines brighter than anyone in the room. He is a constant, always by my side when I need him, even when I don't. I don't deserve him, I'm- I'm just a monster.
-Nonsense. You deserve him as much as he deserves you. You are his moon, dare I remind you. He looks for you in every room, lights up when you talk to him, would be the first one to punch a cunt who says something mean about you and is always, and I mean it, the one who begs Mrs Pomfrey to stay with you in the hospital wing after a full. You don't know how much he loves you.
-He doesn't love me that way. Remus leans against the window.
-How do you know?
-I just- I just know. He sighs deeply. Can we please talk about something else?
-Alright.
They don't talk. They stay silent and it's not an awkward one, it's comfortable. They smoke their fags with the cracking sound of the fire and the calm of the night.
Remus doesn’t know what he would do without the constant of James Potter in his life. He is a walking dose of serotonin. He always makes Remus's tea in the morning and knows that Remus likes it with four spoonful of sugar without him ever saying anything. He waits for him when he needs to redo his shoelaces even if they're late to class and keeps chocolate in his bag to give him in case of a bad day. He remembers things Remus said to him in first year and always says comforting things without realising it.
Sirius needs to touch him all the time, wether it be an arm around his shoulders, an hand on his back, a little knee shove under the desk, he needs to touch Remus to let him know that he's there.
Peter gift him little things he finds. He gives him pretty flowers or cool leaves he found in the gardens, origamis he made during class or drawings of Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs and Moony running around in the forest.
But James knows Remus. He is observant, probably more than Sirius. He knows when Remus had a bad day by the way he's standing. He knows if he need to pack up his plate with food or leave it empty by his pace through the Great Hall. He knows when Remus hasn’t slept by the way he greets him in the morning. He knows if an exam is stressing him out by the way his eyebrows are furrowed. James got him, he knows. Remus is so grateful to have James Potter as a best friend.
-Thank you. Remus murmurs. He doesn't want to break the comfortable silence.
-For what? James runs an hand in his hair and watches him softly.
-For being my friend, I guess.
-Aw Moony, you soppy thing.
-Piss off. They laugh. but again, James knows.
-Anytime, I'm here if you need to talk. He shoves his foot in Remus leg and smile.
-You seem sleepy. Remus says.
-I am, but I don't want to leave you down there alone.
-You should have told me sooner Prongs! It must be at least four in the morning by now. You should go to sleep, I'm sorry for keeping you up.
-Oh no, I'm staying with you. I like it here, there's no Peter's snores or Sirius's sleep talking.
-That's fair. But let's just sit on one of the couches. My ass is starting to hurt.
They end up falling asleep an hour later on one of the couches closest to the fireplace, the ashtray full of butts forgotten on the coffee table next to Remus's comfortably extended legs. His head is falling backward on the back of the couch, his hands holding James’s legs spread on his thighs. James's head is lolling on the arm of the couch, his arms crossed on his chest.
When people start to go down for breakfast, nobody dare to wake them up. They look comfortable and nobody wants to face a woken up Remus Lupin. Sirius is the only stupid enough one to wake them up half an hour before class start, on his way to grab some books.
-Oi, lover birds ! A pillow smashes Remus's face and wakes him up.
-Fuck off.
-Piss of Pads. Says a grumpy James.
-Here’s your one and only warning: you have half an hour before class starts.
There's a moment of silence before the words settles in an Remus flies up, making James fall off the couch in his haste.
-Shit, we're late. Oh, fuck. Sorry Prongs.
He helps him up and they both run to the dorm. They go up the stairs two by two, almost knocking off a third year on his way down. They're not even at the door that James snatches off his shirt and tosses it to Remus.
-I thought you said you didn’t want to shag me. Remus says, smiling. James stops dead in his tracks before exploding, his laughter filling up the air.
-Oh, please let's never talk about that ever again.
-Sounds alright with me.