Staring
Frost crawled up the glass of the clear surface, the light coat of the icy substance was just enough to make all outside objects resemble colourful blobs.
A finger slid across the cooled glass creating drawings across the frosty surface. Dot, dot, curve. James Potter removed his finger from the window, grinning at his creation. He took his opposing hand and felt the tip of his drawing finger. Cold, just like the glass had felt. James took his index and stuck it slightly between his lips to warm it.
“Ugh, Potter that’s nasty! You’re not a child, no need to stick fingers in your mouth.” A curly haired girl gagged. Her nose was scrunched in disgust as she spoke. She was sat upon the train seat accompanied by two other girls, one on each side.
“Last I checked, MacDonald, he still acts like one.” Cackled the boy resting on the ground between the blonde and Mary. His feet were propped up next to James’ thighs. His leather boots were brushing the slightest bit of dirt onto James’ trousers.
James stuck his tongue out from his mouth at the dark haired boy. He responded with a blow of a kiss from
his pink lips.
“I think you just proved Padfoot’s point.” A mousy brown haired boy retorted against James’ action of defence. He sat on the floor, his head resting comfortably on the lap of a freckled redhead girl as she attempted to braid his hair. The compartment collectively chuckled at Remus’ comment.
It was strange, the variety of laughs there is in the world. All seven students in the compartment had defining features to their laughs. It was a hobby of James, observing aspects of individuals. His favourite, of course, being ones laugh.
The sandy blonde boy made a small raspberry with his lips before collapsing into laughter. The forest eyed girl made small hiccup-like squeaks between giggles. The scarred boy wouldn’t make much sound but rather laugh solely with his stomach.
“On the topic of childish behaviour, what havoc did you lot wreak this break?” Questioned Lily a slight smirk stretching across her freckled face. One at a time, the students began to share their holiday tales, beginning with light haired boy. The chatter and giggles of his surroundings began to fade out. The question was so simple, but yet he dreaded it. It was inevitable that someone would ask him those very words. When a holiday ends people lose connections with their peers temporarily, what better way to begin small talk once again than ask about their time away from you.
What happened over the break? The flashbacks began, vivid as the night they occurred. James’ blue striped pyjama bottoms. The sound his slippers echoed as he descended the staircase. Peering into the living room with a single dim lamp turned on. A glow just bright enough to see Sirius’ pale face, freshly tear stained. The scarlet painted dress shirt. Losing one of his slippers as he ran for Sirius. The runaway boy melting at his touch. Anger he had never felt before overcoming his body as Sirius explained. Promising to tell no one.
James wasn’t sure how he was supposed to tell the story of washing his best friends blood off his hands by the end of the night.
“Mine was shit, as usual.”
That was one way to sum it up.
Sounds that seemed like mixes of sympathy and humor echoed from Sirius’ comment. His grey eyes met James’, they were almost the same shade as the cloudy sky surrounding them.
James sometimes wondered what exactly went through Sirius’ complex mind. How he stays so bright when he has seen the darkness first hand. What was the light that kept Sirius happy? James liked to think it was him, that idea was what gave him motivation. It gave the small push he needs to begin a day.
The teens presented their gifts and bragged about their meals, James felt oddly quiet. That simply couldn’t be.
“Sirius nearly nearly burnt down our kitchen while preparing cranberry sauce.” James wasn’t lying, there were joyful memories from the holiday that year. Some of the best, actually. Including, Sirius leaving cranberry sauce in the oven to melt for to long, and James smelling smoke then sprinting for the kitchen. The two boys desperately swinging open the oven, Sirius not grabbing gloves and burning his finger black. Splashing water on one another while cooling the pale boys finger.
James often felt lonely at his home. Sure he loved his parents, they were great company. But after fifteen years he became slightly immune to their presence. Having Sirius around opened a new door, he was having fun.
“Surprising you could convince his folks. Marlene mumbled, half asleep leaning against the wall. She lightly kicked Sirius who was set next to her feet as she spoke.
“With Prongs undeniable charm, and my cheekbones we can get about anything we so well please.” Sirius debated. James nodded his head and gently hummed in agreement. He took his middle finger and pushed his rounded glasses slightly up his nose, only for them to fall again.
“I think it was mainly Prongs charm.” Remus stifled a laugh while he spoke. The dark haired boy leaned slightly so his and Remus’ faces were inches apart. Remus squirmed slightly.
“Don’t lie you adore my cheekbones, Moony.” Sirius looked up at the other boy fluttering his black eyelashes. A dopey grin grew on his face.
“Meh.”
The pairs bickering was a regular occurrence. James and Peter agreed that it was their form a flirting, they saw it as a type of puppy love. Although neither would admit it, James knew what love looks like. He was fortunate enough to be raised surrounding it.
“If I’m sat next to that bloody git one more time, I’m actually throwing-“ A sudden crowd entered the compartment, leaving the group silent. The group consisted of two girls and two boys, each of them had the same prestigious glares and posture. Sirius sprung up and stopped chest to chest with the taller, thin boy.
“What do you want Crouch?” He asked through gridded teeth. Bartemius raised his eyebrows slightly, the corner of his mouth raised.
“You and your brother just look alike. Thats all. No need to get your knickers in a knot.”
Chuckles followed his comment. Sirius slowly backed away. Remus made a hushed “ow” when the boys boot stepped directly on two of his fingers.
“Y’know McKinnon I didn’t know it was possible to visibly see someone become dimmer, yet here we are.” Mocked one of the girls. Her dark hair was in multiple braids then tied into an up-do rested on top of her head. She leaned against the doorway to the compartment, her arms crossed over her chest.
“Oh Meadowes, how did you know flattery was the way to my heart.” Marlene put on a ‘grateful’ smile and placed her hand to her heart, slightly covering the lion crest on her vest.
James never quite understood the twos rivalry. Sirius had his reasons to be mad at that lot, so naturally so did his friends. In short none of their relationships were necessarily healthy, if you could call them relationships. However, Marlenes and Dorcas’ felt more personal. James never bothered to bud in though, the women’s world could be terrifying.
“Well, get along then.” Mary gestured her hand shooing the other students away. They refused to move.
“But really, where is your brother? Although, I don’t know why I’m asking you, you hardly acknowledge his existence anymore.” The shorter of the two boys spoke. Sirius’ face went red, the grey in his eyes was quickly replaced by a flame. Remus quickly moved his hand as Sirius rose once again. He wasn’t quite as tall as the other boy yet somehow he was the largest in the room.
“Shut your mouth Rosier or I’ll do it myself.” Sirius threatened just low enough so only few people could hear, the tall boy on the floor among them. James looked to Remus and saw his scarred face fade into a deep ruby.
The the space between Sirius and Evans eyes was filled with daggers. It was a competition with no words spoken.
“Oi! Next time you lot abandon me perhaps warn me beforehand.” A fifth figure appeared behind the other four. He was thin, but not lanky. He looked elegant, almost beautiful. He was someone out of a museum, a walking sculpture. Cheekbones that reached the skies, deep grey eyes with nothing behind them. Like you could see into his soul but it was empty. Stone eyes, Regulus had stone eyes.
The smile swept off the younger brothers
face when he locked eyes with Sirius. His stone eyes now glaring through his brothers head. Sirius stared in return, not filled with fury, but rather with sorrow. Similar enough to the look he gave James when he appeared in the Potters living room, that James felt the need to do something. As if he was inside James’ mind Regulus tipped on his feet and whispered to the small blonde girl on his right hip.
“Let’s leave.” A small crack escaped Regulus’ mouth as he spoke softly. The five turned back towards the hall of the train. Sirius slightly opened his mouth in protest but ultimately decided it wasn’t worth it. The lump in his throat bobbed up and down as he swallowed his emotions.
Sirius never talked much of his brother, only that he was the son his parents always wanted. Regulus was everything Sirius wasn’t. When he arrived at the Potters Sirius never once brought up Regulus, when others did he always stayed silent. A rare instance with Sirius Black. Every so often James could hear small mumbles from Sirius’ room, Regulus’ name being a common guest. Guilt followed Sirius everywhere he went, James sensed it. He felt guilty for leaving Regulus, he felt guilty for being so selfish, he felt guilty for being a terrible brother. Most of all he felt guilty for leaving Regulus to believe it was his fault.
An awkward silence filled the remainder of the train ride. An occasional scratch of pencil filled the room as Peter and Mary were invested on a competitive game of tic tac toe.
“You can see the castle! It kind of looks like cow.” Mary broke the silence. Hogwarts castle did indeed resemble a cow through the frosted glass. The cow-like figure crept closer to the train until only trees surrounded them. Slowly the engine began halting until coming to a complete stop. Smoke filled the air creating a haze over all the students faces. Coughs escaped from Peters lungs from the fumes.
James let out his hand to help the girls hop down from the train, Mary was the only one who accepted. Sirius appeared awfully offended when James didn’t offer his hand to him.
The atmosphere of the school felt changed to James. He wasn’t sure if it was the school itself of perhaps the student, all that was sure is that it felt off. Like something was lingering behind him at all times. The other students had to have felt the same way, James reassured himself that they did. War was beginning to break out, sides were being built. Everyone was on edge.
“You alright, mate?” Sirius’ voice brought James back to reality. His hand was gripping James’ robe firmly while with his free hand Sirius adjusted James glasses, moving his messy raven hair along with it.
“Alright.” James assured him. He ran his hand through his waves once again, fluffing and messing it up.
The four boys bursted through their fellow students, possibly taking out a few first years along the way. They swiftly jogged to their dorm, paying close attention to not be stopped by a professor or worse Lily; sure she wouldn’t write them up but her prefect voice was about enough to make the boys drop dead silent for hours.
Peter and James continued dashing through doorways and around corners. Sirius remained slightly behind alongside Remus, after numerous full moons the boys body took a toll. He wasn’t quite as mobile as the other three, yet Sirius stuck by him no matter what.
“Why exactly are we running?” Remus asked, panting between words as he ran. Everyone stayed silent until they quickly reached their designated portrait. Peter mumbled the password before the painting swung to the side revealing a small stone tunnel.
“The meals are always the best after holidays, because they want to remind you have bloody delicious the food is.” Sirius began as the four ducked to cross the tunnel. In first year each of them could walk through with ease, no crouching necessary. Growing’s a bitch sometimes.
“Naturally, the Great Hall crowds much quicker and the good portions disappear faster. We need to beat them.” He continued as James led the rest up the steep carpeted stairs. The wood poles the held up the bed canopy creaked as the boys threw their cases onto their mattresses.
James wobbled over to the corner near his bed where his broom rested. He grasped it by the handle and lifted the broom to his eye level.
“I missed you, darling.” James laid a gentle kiss on the wood of the broom. His hand slide up and down the smooth surface, No ridges, perfectly polished.
“Well, are we going or not?” James heard Remus’ voice from the doorway.
“Yeah, once those two can keep their hands off each other.” Peter mocked toward James. He sent Peter a smile traced with sarcasm.
Once again, the four were running through corridors. After retracing their steps until they were out of breath, the group came to a halt at a pair of large ancient doors. James reached his hand for the handle and pried open the door that easily tripled him in size, and probably weight.
“Why do they make these doors so damn heavy?” James wheezed as he pulled on the knob.
“To keep the grubby first years out.” Sneered Sirius smirking towards James as he did. It was something unique to him, the smirk, it was more of a grin if you asked James. A type of smile no one else could achieve quite the same. Perhaps it was just his perfectly pearly teeth, it’s hard to compete with those.
As James let a sigh of relief out while releasing the door, each of them found their seat at the table dressed with a ruby cloth. Very few students were sat in the hall, those who were James speculated to be among the smartest at Hogwarts.
James took a seat on the wooden bench followed by Peter next to him. Sirius and Remus, nearly in sync, took their seats across from the other two. It had always been like that, an unspoken seating arrangement.
Hands were coming in from every direction as the four dined. Sirius’ light brushed his elbow against Remus’ sweater sleeve. In return the Remus tapped the other boys elbow slightly harder. The two continued to play fight with one another through the remainder of the meal. Occasionally Peter and James would shoot a knowing glance towards each other.
It was quite painful at times, watching the two boys be so fixated on the other but never acting on it. Both their lives already did however consist of years filled with prejudice and hate. James didn’t blame them for protecting themselves from more. He wished he could protect them too, but James knew it wasn’t always his place.
A few spoonfuls remained in James’ soup bowl, he began to scoop the final bit when he felt a sudden urge to stop. James looked up from his meal, his eyes travelled the room searching for the cause of this strange sensation. After circling the room James stared forward to find someone gazing right back at him. The boys grey eyes were locked on his. It was strange though, why would Regulus have his eyes locked on James? He brushed past it, Sirius was sitting directly across from him. More likely Regulus was throwing daggers at his brother than his best friend.
No matter how many times James told himself Regulus was just glaring at Sirius, he could pull his eyes away from him. The two sat, opposite sides of the large hall, focusing on one another. After a period of time James’ new hobby began to bore him. He threw a quick wink towards Regulus, breaking the eye contact. Regulus rolled his eyes yet somehow showed it through his entire body. The boy returned to chatting with the girl sat next to him.
“Oi! Rudolph!” Sirius clapped inches away from the tip of James’ nose. “Gawking at my brother, are we?”
James quickly denied, he wasn’t one to often lie but rather that than face the wrath of Sirius Black and his overprotective big brother-ness.
Through the rest of dinner and all of dessert, the image of Regulus could not leave James’ mind. He wasn’t sure why, what was so special about a random fifth year, who happened to be the brother of his best friend who ran away from his abusive family approximately a week ago, locking his eyes on James for an entire meal. Not only that, but James wasn’t even sure Regulus was looking at him.
James shook his head out of his Regulus trance. Music from a record Remus had put on quickly replaced the dark haired boy in James mind. He joined the other in making their dorm into a temporary home once again. Clothes were folded, posters were hung, and small dance breaks occurred.
Three very different blokes could somehow take James’ mind off anything, wether it was stressful, quizzical or even Regulus Black. They were always there, mental as they always would be, just as James loved them to be.
Surely, distractions can’t last forever. James laid himself down onto his mattress and sat, motionless. He fell back into the depths of Regulus. Why did he suddenly care so much? Why is his best mates brother suddenly become the most important part of his term? All he’s done so far to James is speak in front of him, then stare at him. Why does he care?
“What’s got Prongs in a daze?”
“Eh, its probably nothing.”
“He’s probably mentally planning his wedding with Evans again.”
“Last time wasn’t mentally. He made all of us help him plan.”
“Well that is our job as groomsmen…”
The bickering of his dorm-mates faded to the back of James mind.
Whatever this new found addiction to Regulus was, James was going to stop it. Preferably, as soon as he possibly could. He had considerably more important things to focus on, including but not limited to, at least going on a picnic with Lily Evans. To get over this phase James had to uncover all aspects of it, such as, the cause of his addiction, if others have also experienced this addiction, and how exactly he will quit. Regulus Black was a mystery, James needed to solve it.