James
James has discovered that he actually isn’t the weak, weak man that he thought he was. For the first time since James has discovered his feeling for Regulus, James has been dreading going back to Potions class. Regulus has done something that James believed was impossible–he had James fucking flustered. All Regulus did was sit there and raise an eyebrow, all he did was speak, yet suddenly James was stuttering over his own words tremendously, face hot to the touch, and heart pounding in his chest.
It’s odd, but not surprising that Regulus was the cause of all of it. He’s said it a million times to Marlene, and he’d say it a million times more, but Regulus is so genuinely beautiful. Angelic and cold, divine and sarcastic. So yes, James knew from the very beginning that Regulus was so beautiful, that it was only a matter of time before James became a fool because of him–a fool for him.
Not a single part of James expected to be calling Regulus ‘extremely pretty’ to his face. That was not anticipated. Honestly, how is he just expected to continue sitting next to Regulus after that?
Nevertheless, James has to do it, there’s no way out of it.
So, James takes his seat in Potions, and he waits for Regulus to join him, just like any other day. Except his leg bounces underneath the table in anticipation, and all he wants to do is groan out loud at his actions the other day every time it crosses his mind. James can’t stand that there’s someone who causes him to overthink his actions, someone that causes him to lose control over himself, but a part of him loves it.
He loves the way his heart warms at the sight of someone, he loves having someone in his focus that keeps him hooked, he loves the way smiles flood his own face, and he loves the way his stomach twists and turns at small actions. He loves having a crush. He loves love in all forms, and to him, crushes are just a little piece of love before the real thing.
Maybe he also likes romanticizing it. Because besides the things he loves, there are a few things he doesn’t love as much. He doesn’t love when he makes himself look stupid, he doesn’t love that he feels he’s doing things wrong, and he doesn’t love that inevitably things go South making him lose sight of himself. Because he’s seen it with Lily, and all the countless times she has rejected him.
Though he denies it, he can’t help but wonder what exactly makes him so unlikeable. He will always ache when he finally catches sight of how hard he tries to be shining for other people, and how hard he dims when people express how much they don’t like it.
Almost silently, Regulus arrives at his seat, and James doesn't say a word. He can’t.
He looks at him though, James doesn’t think he could ever keep his eyes away. “Did you read the material assigned to us?” Regulus asks quietly, keeping his gray eyes trained on his hands just laying on his desk.
James furrows his eyebrows in genuine confusion. “There was a reading assigned to us?”
Regulus sighs and quickly flashes James a scowl. “Yes, Potter, a reading was assigned. A reading that was very necessary to read in order to brew the potion for today.”
“Well.” James regains the effortlessness that he believed he lost, just by looking at Regulus’ face. Odd, but Regulus gives him some sort of spark of confidence, something that electrifies his veins with every glance Regulus shoots his way. But it’s a double-edged sword, it’s something that Regulus could stomp on if he wanted to, a spark that can get extinguished just as easily as it was lit. “You seem to be so great with potions, I’m sure your brilliant mind can figure this one out.”
Regulus just shoots James an unimpressed look. “I think your stupidity and idiocy are so strong that it actually somehow manages to take my intelligence away.”
James puts a hand over his heart as if it aches, but there’s a grin smothered all over his face. “Oh, how you wound me, Regulus. I’ve only ever been kind to you,” James says dramatically, ”won’t you be kind to me?”
Regulus looks directly at James, and for a moment, James swears that the other boy’s eyes soften slightly before shooting a glare. And James can’t help that he takes advantage of being able to fully see Regulus’ face by admiring every feature on his face, the way his freckles are scattered, and how his eyes look mesmerizing enough to make James say something he’d regret.
“The thought of being kind to you makes me feel like I'm on my deathbed,” Regulus whispers harshly.
Before James can respond, Slughorn decides to begin the instruction for the Draught of Peace that they’re supposed to be brewing in a few minutes. And though James should be paying extra attention to whatever tips Slughorn is spewing, he can’t stop thinking about the boy next to him.
The moment Slughorn finishes with his instructions, James realizes he hasn’t been paying attention in the slightest. “So,” James says quietly directed at Regulus, slight embarrassment flooding his face, “what exactly are we meant to be doing?”
Regulus scoffs. “Figure it out on your own.”
“Regulus, please,” James whispers, hating how he seems to be begging for the slightest bit of help from the other. “I have no idea how to even start.”
Regulus gives the tiniest of smirks, one that makes James lose his mind, before uttering, “Not my problem.”
James rubs his forehead as if the directions for the potion will just appear before an idea suddenly lights up in his mind. See, Regulus is obviously very gifted at potions, this much is clear given the fact that he’s a whole year ahead. And James…well honestly James isn’t sure how he’s even made it this far in Potions class without harming himself.
He’s a good student, just not when it comes to Potions. And since it seems that James is going to fuck this potion up, and Regulus isn’t. Who’s to say that James can’t just go to Slughorn, ask for a tutor, and hope that the clear option for teaching would just so happen to be the effortlessly talented Regulus Black?
James can see it all so clearly in his mind, how easily he can make the puzzle pieces fall perfectly together. He could do it all. James could prove that he isn’t as horrible as Regulus thinks, he can learn more about Regulus, and above all, he could perhaps connect the estranged brothers. He could act as a bridge between the two, maybe giving them the option to repair their relationship.
James wouldn’t even have to lie about his whereabouts, he could just say that it was enforced by Slughorn, and the two of them could talk about whatever, and James- no, no, no. He’s not creating any more plans that will always be unsuccessful. Whatever will be, will be, James will rely on whatever fate chooses. He’s done with orchestrating plans that will just be unsuccessful. He is done with creating scenarios and solutions that will never come to fruition
Merlin, James expected to do badly, but not this bad. The potion that Regulus has curated is a perfect white, with silvery wisps emitting. Meanwhile, James has created something that smells absolutely foul, a dark green, that is so thick that James can’t even mix it anymore. He’s not the only one who was unsuccessful with brewing, but with his possibly deadly concoction sitting right beside Regulus’ perfect one, the difference is jarring to their professor when he goes around the class checking them out.
“Mr. Black, you have exceeded my expectations once again. You truly are a brilliant student, keep it up,” Slughorn drones on praise for Regulus before taking a glance at James’ sad attempt. “Mr. Potter, I remember how brilliant your father was at this subject. I suppose it’s clear that you didn’t manage to inherit that from him. A right shame, really. If you want to pass this class you have to try harder.”
Being compared to his parents hits harder than James cares to admit. He loves them dearly and would dream of landing anywhere close to their achievements. And he’s violently aware that his parents were better in school than he is, that they were probably nicer than he is, he knows that they found love within each other at a younger age than James.
James knows he’s inadequate. That he’s not the boy people expect from Effie and Fleamont’s son. He is very aware. But it cuts him so deeply when a professor points it out to him. James can’t even speak for the rest of class, scared that his voice will shake in disappointment in himself.
The class ends, and James tries to pretend like whatever Slughorn said didn’t even happen. He ignores it the best that he can but it’s always there in the back of his mind. Whenever James doesn’t understand a question he’s met with the loud reminder that he’s not his parents. Whenever he messes up, whenever he feels so deeply that he needs to be doing more, or when he can’t bounce back to just being happy–every time he’ll remember that it’s a shame he wasn’t more like his parents.
He gets to Potions class the next day early, and James forces himself to focus intently on Slughorn’s teaching. Honestly, it’s the most James has ever learned in that class, until he makes the mistake of glancing over at Regulus. It catches him by surprise to see that Regulus was apparently doing the same, and James smiles softly as the pair make eye contact. There are universes among universes hidden in Regulus’ eyes, endless amounts of mysteries below the surface.
James believes he will lose his mind if he doesn’t get to figure them all out or at least die trying.
James can’t pay attention to Slughorn after that.
When class ends, Sirius actually meets James at his desk, subtly glancing over at his brother who’s clearing off his area. Sirius always does it quickly, as if James doesn’t notice, but of course, he does. James also notices how much Sirius keeps glancing back as if one of the times Regulus will stop pretending that his brother doesn’t exist.
“Ah!” Slughorn exclaims as James and Sirius pass his desk to leave the room. “Mr. Potter. Mr. Black. Please stay behind for just a moment.” Sirius impatiently bounces on his feet next to James, always so restless. Slughorn looks confused for a moment before he says, “Sorry. I meant Mr. Regulus Black, my apologies for not making that clear. Now if you could just give us a moment,” the professor says directed at Sirius.
Sirius only huffs and rolls his eyes before making his way out of the classroom, muttering something that James can’t decipher. But not before sending a questioning look at James and a glare at his brother. James can decipher how Regulus walks up next to him, and he forces his eyes to look down at the ground, afraid that if he takes another look at the boy he wouldn’t be able to look away.
Luckily for him, Slughorn begins speaking. “Now, Mr. Potter, I understand you aren’t the best at Potions, out of all the students in your year, you are close to the bottom, only barely above Ms. McKinnon.” James sighs and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment out of embarrassment, but a part of him does want to laugh loudly at the fact that it’s him and Marlene doing the worst, and he can’t wait to tell her that he’s actually better than her. Regulus clears his throat loudly, sounding forced and probably out of the awkwardness that has invaded the room. “But, I have reached a solution. Since Mr. Black is the top of all my Potions students, I am here to offer you the chance of being tutored by him.”
James lifts his head up at that, furrowing his eyebrows as he looks at his Potions professor.
Well. It seems James has manifested this moment.
This is just too perfect. James is thoroughly elated at the prospect of being able to spend time with Regulus and he really doesn’t care for anything else. “Should you both agree, it would be at least one day a week, a day both of you can agree on, held either in this classroom or at the library. If you need another location, it would have to be approved by me first. I will step out and give you two some time to decide, and if you both agree then come back to me at the end of the day with the days that you have picked.”
Slughorn leaves the classroom and for a moment the pair say nothing. “Are you going to agree?” James asks first, turning so he’s facing Regulus. The other is looking at a point right behind James’ shoulder, and a scowl is placed on his face.
“Are you going to agree?”
James scratches the back of his head as he thinks. He wants to. He wants to talk to Regulus and wants to get to know him. He wants to try and reconnect the brothers. He also really wants, maybe even needs, to get better at Potions and prove Slughorn wrong. “I think I will.”
“What days are you free?” Regulus asks next as he finally looks up at James, voice bored. Really, James has never noticed just how much shorter Regulus is compared to himself. Regulus holds himself tall, never once letting himself be perceived as weak, even though he rarely speaks. Regulus is all actions and Sirius is all words, Sirius uses his voice and it makes him loud and strong, but Regulus uses glares and scowls, never seen without eye rolls and scoffs which provide him with an equal amount of stoicism as his brother.
James just grins brightly at the other in front of him. “Trying to take me out to dinner? Well, I can’t say I’m not flattered, but we do have other pressing business to tend to.” Regulus looks thoroughly unimpressed, but there’s a slight pink tinge coloring his cheeks that James really wishes he didn’t adore so much.
Regulus scoffs. “Please, I wouldn’t be caught dead on a dinner date with you. The thought alone is enough to make me kneel over and die.” Regulus turns his lips downward in a disgusted frown.
The grin on James’ face only grows, and a laugh is bubbling in his chest yet it doesn’t quite make it past his lips. “I am actually the best dinner date if I do say so myself.”
“Somehow, I highly doubt that.”
“I guess you won’t know for sure until you try,” James replies smoothly, a hint of truthfulness and hopefulness disguised in his playful tone. “Don’t worry, darling, I sure wouldn’t mind being able to prove you wrong.”
James relishes in the glare that Regulus shoots his way. “What days, Potter, stop being an idiot.”
“Let’s see, I’m entirely free on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I’m also usually free every day after Quidditch practice.” James looks around Slughorn’s room, glancing at all the vials and equipment. For some reason, his eyes land on Regulus’ hands.
Beautiful and dainty hands, they are. “Tuesday works for me,” Regulus replies with a sigh.
Nimble fingers, almost like a piano player. “We can see where you are on Tuesday. If you really are that shit at potions then we can try to make it two.”
James’ eyes land on the only piece of jewelry, and his heart falls, maybe James can even hear it shatter if he listens hard enough. Oh, that stupid fucking ring. Marlene had told him what it could possibly mean, and James went and got lost in his own dreams of Regulus and forgot all about it. He wants to kick himself for falling so hard into another ditch that he has to try to climb out of.
“Potter,” Regulus says sternly, and James forces himself to look once more around the room, pretending like he doesn’t just want to run away. “Does that work for you?”
James nods immediately as if he knows what for. “Yeah, yeah sure.” He’s well aware of the fact that his voice is all fake and sweet, high-pitched and stupid. But for the first time since he’s liked Regulus, James just wants nothing more than to get away from him. Away from the inevitable heartache and bad decisions, away from all the mistakes that he’s bound to make.
Because James truly has some shitty luck with love and dating and both guys and girls, apparently.
At the end of the day, what’s the point of liking someone who already is in love with someone else?
James knows that he should just ask Regulus just so that he knows for sure. He knows that he shouldn’t just assume or jump to conclusions, but he doesn’t want to make things weird between them. He just has to get over his crush, that’s the only thing he can do. He has to look at Regulus and pretend that it doesn’t affect him at all. He has to erase all of the what-ifs from his mind, and he has to realize that what could’ve been will never be.
It should be easy given it’s not exactly the first time this has had to happen.
“Potter,” Regulus says once again, voice urgent. James quickly shakes his head and dazedly glances down at Regulus.
“I’m sorry, you were saying?”
Regulus glares at James as if he wants to burn him. “We meet Tuesdays after dinner. If that doesn’t seem to be helping you then we’ll add Thursdays as well.”
James just nods, it’s not as if he’d have any objections to whatever Regulus suggests. “Well, what about Sirius?”
Regulus stiffens immediately, eyes flashing with anger and jaw clenching. “What about him?” The sudden intensity in Regulus’ demeanor is enough for James to forget anything he said about getting rid of his crush. With the way Regulus is staring at James, the way he stands, and the way his features only look sharper when he’s angry.
Yeah.
There’s no way James can stop himself from liking Regulus.
James embarrassingly stumbles over his words, “Oh, uh, well…oh, you know.” Regulus just stares blankly, because he apparently does not know. James somehow finds his footing and gets out what he’s trying to say, “It’s Sirius. He’s not going to just be okay with this.”
This is very true. James saw the glares and is so very aware of the fact that Sirius is probably upstairs in their room angrily pacing around the room, probably ranting to whoever is in there with him. It’s not like this plan was orchestrated, so Sirius won’t be too mad, but he won’t be exactly happy about the idea of Regulus spending time with James.
Regulus looks unimpressed. “Is Sirius the dictator of your life, or are you? So what if he doesn’t like it, it’s not like he’s the one getting tutored.”
James smiles and allows himself to relax just a little bit. “Right.”
“What the fuck were you doing with my brother?” Sirius asks as soon as James walks through the door of their dorm room.
James looks around the room and finds both Peter and Remus listening intently to their conversation, and both of them pretending that they’re not. James widens his eyes at how Sirius basically charges at him, and he holds his hands up in surrender. “Okay, just don’t kill me once you find out.”
Peter scoffs. “As long as you two weren’t shagging in there then I’m sure you’re gonna be perfectly fine.”
Sirius pretends to gag and throws an actual terrifying glare at their friend. “Peter I will actually killyou if you say something that fucking stupid again.” Peter only laughs.
“Slughorn suggested that he tutor me,” James burst out quickly before Sirius jumps to conclusions.
“Tutor you? You’re one of the smartest guys I know,” Sirius says incredulously.
“Well, thanks Pads I appreciate that.” James grins genuinely in appreciation. “But I guess I’m not that great at Potions.”
“That’s bullshit,” Sirius counters immediately.
“Please,” Remus laughs. “do you not remember the time James caused the entire Potions class to evacuate the classroom in fear that the fumes he produced were deadly?”
Peter hums. “I do remember every one of the five times that that has happened, which occasion are you talking about specifically?”
James groans reminded once again about what Slughorn said to him, and despite how excited he is about time with Regulus, it comes with the sour knowledge of being that tremendously bad at something. “I know that I’m shit at Potions, that’s the whole point of these stupid lessons. Don’t you think I’m embarrassed enough already at having to be tutored by someone younger than me?” James tries to say it jokingly, but even he can tell just how much his bitterness drips between his words.
“Prongs, it’s not bad to need help,” Remus reassures, but James is too tired to talk to anyone anymore.
“I’m gonna have a shower,” James grumbles on the way to the bathroom. He turns the water as hot as he can handle it and feels every limb in his body relax. James thinks hot showers are the best remedy for almost anything, and it isn’t surprising that he feels ten times better when he gets out.
James finds everyone has disappeared, either to their beds or the common room, and he wonders if he ruined their perfect perception of himself if he said something too hurtful, or came across as too cold.
He thinks about it for a while in his own bed, wondering if he needs to apologize. The curtains rustle slightly, and he sees Sirius’ head poke through quickly, just like he always does whenever he wants to come in.
“You’re always welcome in here Pads,” James whispers. Sirius crawls into his bed silently, it’s always unsettling for James to realize that Sirius can somehow always make himself invisible if needed, it always reminds him that Sirius has needed to whenever he goes back home.
Sirius silences the curtains and clears his throat. “If it makes you feel any better, Regulus is annoyingly smart, he always has been. He’s probably smarter than all of us.”
It surprises James to hear Sirius talk about his brother in a positive way, James doesn’t think he even remembers the last time Sirius actually said his name. There’s hope for repairing the brother’s relationship, there just has to be some solution somewhere.
James bites the side of his mouth out of nervousness. “Is it weird for you?”
Sirius furrows his eyebrows. “What? Him helping you?” James nods. “Not really. I–He’s my brother, James,” Sirius whispers, despite the silencing charm, saying it as if it’s some sort of confession or something he doesn’t quite believe. “I want him back, more than anything else in this world.”
James nods again. “I know, Sirius.”
“You know, he hates me the same amount that I love him. Sometimes, I think I hate him the same amount that I love him, too.” James stays silent. “I can see him doing some great fucking things with his life, and I would give anything to see all of it happen. But I just–I don’t know how to give him what he needs, I don’t even know what he needs anymore. I spent so much of our life protecting him, and I do not regret it one bit, but sometimes I think that no matter what I did, it just wasn’t enough.”
James blinks away the wetness that has appeared in his eyes, he can’t bear hearing the desperation in his best friend’s voice. “I think…you two were both too young to be behaving like adults. And you, Sirius? You did everything that you could to protect your brother, and it was more than enough. He loves you, okay? You’re his brother, and that kind of love can never go away.”
Sirius quickly wipes underneath his eyes. “I think it already has for him,” he says sadly, smiling as if it takes away the almost unbearable weight in his words.
“Come here,” James says softly, scooting over in his bed for Sirius to join him. “He loves you. He does. You just have to talk to him sometime.”
Sirius lies next to James, but he turns his face away, signaling the end of the conversation. “Night, James.”
James sighs softly. “Night, Sirius.”
There’s absolutely no way James isn’t going to be focused on getting the two brothers to talk to each other over the next few days. He feels that if the two are able to actually talk it out then things are bound to be fixed.
Should be easy enough.