winter heat

There is something painfully special about stolen kisses and secret get-togethers. Theres beauty in being someone’s secret, but above all, there’s much pain. Nontheless, he doesn’t get to be picky or complain about it all, as the softest lips choose his to kiss, as the safest arms chose him to embrace.

There’s a certain feeling of adoration, of burning, heart warming love that he doesn’t feel like he deserves, yet here he is, isn’t he? Whenever he’s pulled in a broom closet, he can’t whine, complain or protest about how dirty it all feels. He is dirty, so he shall not expect anything better.

But when James Potter kisses him, he doesn’t feel dirty. “Little prince”, James would tease, yet his smile is so sweet and genuine that there’s no way it could be mistaken for mockery.
“It’s little king” he’d gently correct, yet with those soft lips covering his own once again, what does it matter anymore. He’s James’ something.

He never felt like he deserved to be James’ something, yet he adored it above it all. James’. He wanted to be James’ forever.

But his forever isn’t his to give away, because he’s turning sixteen and he won’t be James’ anymore but… the Dark Lord’s. Regulus can’t even think of it without bile gathering into his mouth and his knees buckling. It was the right thing to do, it was, he was to be a mighty wizard, not James’ whore, his fun on the side, his fuck in a broom closet.

But oh, he’d rather have James’ seed running down his thighs a thousand times than someone’s blood dripping from his fingers and he’s unfortunate enough to be aware of exactly what the initiation will request out of him. He’d die, he’d rather die than kill another, be it a mudblood, be it a muggle. He’s nothing, he’s no one, how could he ever pretend the right over another’s life?

Sometimes, however, he’d allow himself to dream. Dream of a cottage in Wales, as he heard Lupin describe his parent’s home once. Yes, convince Lupin to sell it to them and make it their home, playing Quidditch in the weekends, working during the day, reading in the evening, making love in the morning until their bones can no longer admit the fluidity of their passion, until they have to settle to holding each other’s aching bodies.

He desires a love as shameless and raw as the one his brother indulges into, yet his heart is only ever open in dark corners and behind closed doors.

Deep down, he is well aware it is better like this, especially for James. One day, she… The she that James adores like she’s made of tumbled jasper, two pieces of jade for eyes; one day she will see him, truly see him, and then James will get what he deserved and his hands won’t be dirtied by Regulus’ body anymore.

When she will see him, Regulus will be so happy for them both, he will. And she will bare him a child or two or seven, maybe with the same jade eyes, certainly with the same golden heart as his. By then, James will be an auror and Regulus will be in Azkaban, or even better, he will be dead.

That seems like the only escape for him.

But for now, as he is walking aimlessly, doing his evening rounds, he shouldn’t think of that. He wouldn’t, really, if Lily Evans wasn’t the prefect he was paired with this evening. She’s quiet and holds her head high, as if challenging Regulus to dare and say something and yet he never does and she knows it.

She also knows, however, that he is a real Black, unlike his blood traitor of a brother.

And so, their guards are up, although they never gave each other a reason.

There are many reasons for Regulus to hate her and so it’s even more devastating that he doesn’t. She has James’ heart in a way Regulus never will, although he has the boy’s body, he memorised the way those rough yet tender hands touch his skin, he wakes up in the morning hard with longing for James as he dreams of him night after night, and he strokes himself to the echoes of James’ whispers into his ears, the ‘cum for me baby’s, the ‘good boy’s, the endless endearments that they both knew meant nothing yet made Regulus’ heart burn with a desire that shall never be returned.

Tonight, he’s going to cry himself to sleep to the thought of red hair and those hostile green eyes and how they’d soften only they knew how wonderful James’ love could be.

She wouldn’t be James’ something, she’d be his everything.

Something Regulus will never know but forever want.

“He’s fine.” Lily Evans suddenly says and it startles Regulus so bad that his shoulder’s raise when he hears her, eyes wide, heart drumming in his ears as for a moment he is certain she meant James.

But no, ‘he’ was Sirius. His idiotic brother.

“He won’t be for long if he keeps behaving like this” he mutters and it’s only when a wand is shoved under his chin that he realises how much like a threat his statement sounds like. “B-because he is an idiot and he always finds trouble for himself!” he quickly adds, panicked, wide eyes looking so innocent into Lily’s that she almost felt bad.

She, at least, puts the wand away.

“He is an idiot.” she says and the silence falls again like a heavy blanket, safe but too hot for comfort.

Regulus always felt like there were two people inside himself, one that was shaped and brought together by Orion and Walburga Black, the proper son, the handy spare, the perfect candidate to serve and assist the Dark Lord but there also was the Regulus that read muggle romance stories under the blankets, the Regulus that had his skin traced by James Potter’s fingers, the Regulus that giggled at his brother’s antics and longed to be like him, the part of himself that he had to shatter.

He understands that to survive he must appeal to people like his mother or cousin, but he can’t help but wonder, when will he start living? When will he be allowed to enjoy the sweetness of fruits and the fire of love?

When will he be Regulus, without the heaviness of his last name?

It started innocent, really, it did, Regulus never meant to become this twisted sort of lover for James Potter. There were curious looks given to each other across the Great Hall, there was Quidditch, there was the fact that Regulus was a persona non grata for just being related to Sirius.

Regulus was minding his own business after practice, changing from his quidditch robes to his regular clothes, his own even, as it was a Saturday and they didn’t have to wear their school uniforms. It wasn’t anything too fancy, a simple black shirt and some dress pants, yet for some reason this was his absolute favourite outfit. No, there was a well-defined reason why. These were “muggle clothes” but they were becoming popular enough among well breed wizards for Regulus to be allowed to wear them.

He was feeling happy, or something similar to happiness, as he was always so calm after practice, he enjoyed his clothes and he was going to go to the library and read in silence, as he knew too well that there weren’t too many students now, with the break approaching and being a weekend.

He transfigured the cover of the book he was reading into the one of a potions textbook so it really would be inconspicuous to be seen with it in the library, yet he will be losing himself into the love of Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. This book wasn’t his, rather it was something he borrowed from a kind Ravenclaw girl, but he hopes that one day… one day he’ll be able to buy his own.

He doesn’t expect to be delayed from his path that day. He is so deep into thoughts, broom into his hand as he stands, feeling truly like the king his name deems him to be as the silky material strokes against his skin, book bag on his shoulder, a soft smile, without a proper reason, on his lips.

The smile, alongside his broom, drop when his eyes are meet with soft, dark brown ones.
He gathers himself quickly, grasping his broomstick once again, ready to walk away, yet he doesn’t get the chance to, as there’s smugness in James’ eyes, seeing Regulus hurrying to walk away like that. It is the reason why Regulus stops, wishing to wipe the smile off of Potter’s face, rather than vanishing away.

“What is it, Potter?” he asks, voice even, although his hand is shaking on the broomstick.
“You look like a muggle.” Potter replies, smirking (the audacity!), as he looks Regulus up and down, making him feel stark naked.

“Fuck off!”

Regulus stumbles upon the words and James laughs, but it isn’t a cruel, mocking laugh, like the ones Regulus is used to. It’s soft, melodious and beautiful, simply beautiful, and Regulus softens as he sees James’ eyes crinkling up with laughter. He looks so marvellous laughing, the sound honest and full, like a glass full of liquor being hit with a teaspoon, so delicious that Regulus wanted a taste.

Once again, Regulus can’t help but wonder what the fuck is wrong with James Potter.
He waits for James to say something else but he does not, rather fixing Regulus with those eyes of his, making Regulus wish he could forcefully make them look away.

“Are you done? Can I be on my way now?” Regulus asks, as he itches to get away from the other, feeling… not scared nor intimidated, but deeply unsettled nonetheless, in a way that’s new to him.

James doesn’t have the curtesy to give him a reply but at least he stops laughing, although his eyes don’t leave Regulus. It’s like the older boy is trying to read his mind in the way he looks at Regulus, making the Slytherin get worried enough to lift his mental barriers, but then he remembers with a soft shiver that James wouldn’t ever invade his mind like that, he wasn’t such a person, he was a gentleman and… just a fucking good person.

“I don’t write to her about him, you don’t need to worry.” He says, a desperate attempt to figure out what is it that James wants, but he’s clearly far away from the reality of the matter since James’ forehead crinkles (adorably) in genuine and unmistakable confusion.
If this isn’t about Sirius, what is it about, then?

The more James stays quiet, the more unsettled Regulus is. He can’t understand what it is that the other wants and to have this flamboyant, loud person watch him so intensely, without saying a word, makes him want to cry. He doesn’t like being looked at, it is nothing but trouble for him and he is very happy to be the second born, the youngest one, the friendless one. It’s even worse now, that he feels as if James is looking right through him.

“I can’t figure you out, Regulus.” Is what James finally said and the deliberate omission of his last name is the last drop for him, as he can’t stand to feel this way. To feel like he is just Regulus, not a Black, not an heir, not a tool, but a person.

“What do you want from me?” Maybe it was some sort of bet to punch a Slytherin. Maybe he pissed Sirius off somehow and he was now being avenged by James. But no, he doesn’t think James will punch him, he’s too noble for that and this Is one of the reasons why Regulus hates James Potter.

“Are you afraid of me?” James suddenly asks and he sounds so shocked that Regulus could laugh.

Afraid? Should he say yes and ask to be left alone or should he deny it and protect himself like a proper man? “Why should I be afraid?” he then asks, genuinely confused, although his goddamn voice does betray the fear he is so desperate to deny.

“Indeed, why?” James asks and he takes a step closer, only to stop, shocked still as a statue when Regulus takes a step back as well, swift and trembling like a bunny.

‘What is it that you want?’ Regulus wants to cry, he doesn’t want to be here, he wants to go far, far away from James Potter and his beautiful eyes and hands that don’t understand violence. In the way James Potter looks at him, soft smirks and gentle eyes, it is almost as if he is mocking Regulus for being happy in such a genuine and easy way, something Regulus will never know himself.

“Oh, Regulus”, it’s what James says that finally pushes Regulus over the edge, pulling out his wand, ready to curse the Gryffindor out of his way. He hates it. He hates the pity in James’ voice, he hates the way James looks at him, like he was some sort of lost, helpless puppy, he hates the very existence of James Potter, who took his brother away from him, who got to live the Quidditch star life and have parents that loved him and friends that thought that the sun shined out of his butt.

What he hates most is that James doesn’t make any gesture to protect himself, even with a wand pointed at his chest.

“You don’t have to stay there. It clearly makes you unhappy.” James says, the idiot doesn’t realize that Regulus is moments away from cursing him, maybe messing up that beautiful face of his, make all his admirers less impressed with his looks. “Come over to mine. It will make Sirius happy, too.”

“It won’t!” Regulus roars in an instant, becoming hysteric just at the idea. Their parents would never allow to have both their heir and the spare run. By running away, Sirius condemned Regulus to a life neither one of them desired. Sirius was selfish, only thinking about himself and his wishes and he had no remorse to abandon the brother he swore to protect.

If he truly cared about Regulus, he wouldn’t have turned into the stranger that he now was.
The nerve of James Potter, to come to him and make such a request. What was the purpose? Was he trying to hurt Regulus? It worked just fine, then. However, the same soft look in his eyes from before was driving Regulus mad.

“It would make me happy, then.” James says, the words making Regulus’ ears ring.
What was he playing of? Why is he trying to give Regulus hopes of a life he could never have? Did he find it amusing, seeing Regulus’ eyes light up with hope, only for it to fade moments later, when reality kicked in, again and again, leaving him breathless?

“Can I please go now?” Regulus asks, not missing the sadness so obvious in James’ eyes, although he can’t justify it. Why, why, why was he that upset? Did he enjoy toying with Regulus that much?

As silence falls between them, Regulus waits for a few moments for something, anything to happen, yet nothing does. Taking it as a queue that he was free to go, he lets his hand fall around his body, broomstick in the other, as he finally moves towards the door, large, quick steps, wishing to get away from there, to free himself from James Potter, and yet…

And yet a hand catches his arm, not too harshly but holding him tightly, and he can’t help but look at James surprised, ready to scream and argue, but the look in James’ eyes is so serios that it’s scary, because this is James Potter, he’s a clown, he’s never serios, so why now? What does he want? Can he not understand the gravity of his words?

“You’re really pretty in your cute little outfit.” Is what James says, those serious eyes looking into Regulus’ grey ones and once again Regulus couldn’t have seen this coming, as his face betrays his surprise, James finally smiles, sweet and familiar, and Regulus relaxes because, for better or for worse, the smile is much more comfortable than his serious face.

Sure, there’s also the need to process the fact that James just called him pretty and he knows he looks rather pathetic when he blushes, pink dust into his pale cheeks, but he’s fucking blushing now and James Potter has a hold of him and his grip of his broomstick is loosening up again.

“You’re handsome too. For a clown, that is.” Regulus replies, and he hates how James’ face fucking lights up, smile reaching his eyes, big, callous hand warm on Regulus’ arm, making the younger boy wish he wasn’t wearing a long-sleeved shirt so he could admire the contrast of the dark skin against his pale one, so he could feel James’ skin on his own.
He, officially, went crazy.

“As long as I can make you laugh, I’m okay with being a clown.” James replies and it’s so fucking corny but as he rolls his eyes, Regulus can’t deny that James does make him laugh, with his pranks and his silly attitude, with his impolite but fond attitude towards professor McGonagall, with his loud, infectious and shameless laughter in the Great Hall.

‘Can I go now?’ he’s about to ask, as he’s ready to move on, feeling the air less tense, and yet James’ hand moves around his middle instead of letting go of him and this time Regulus does drop his broomstick.

“I really wish you’d come. You would, if I weren’t Sirius’ friend, wouldn’t you?” James asks softly, making Regulus wonder why in the world would James even want Regulus to move in with him if he wasn’t friends with his brother.

Regulus wonders if James can feel how tense his muscles are under his touch, if he can see the confusion in his eyes, if he can guess the desire he feels, to just let go and run away to James Potter’s house just like Sirius did.

“I wish things were that easy.” Regulus offers and they both know it is the most honest thing he could have ever admitted. It was a lot, it was too much, but James… was a special case.
Regulus wished now to have been able to kiss a boy as shamelessly as his brother does. Once again, he wishes he could have been Sirius. But right now… right now being Regulus wasn’t too bad, for a change. In James’ arms, it wasn’t as hard as it normally was. And maybe he’s stupid, or maybe he’s drunk on James, but he slips his wand in his pocket and he wraps his arms around James’ neck and although he’s the one hugging James, he looks as anxious as if he was a trapped bunny.

He is afraid of James’ reaction but James just laughs softly at his expression and wraps his other arm around Regulus’ middle and then he is pulling him closer and Regulus’ mind is spinning but he’s also feeling like he could succumb in this feeling forever and ever, being hugged like this. It feels somehow like Pandora’s hugs, but in many other ways, it is nothing like it.

Why did he hug James, or why is James holding him so tightly, he doesn’t know. What he does know, however, is that James holds him as if he was a child in need of comfort and once again, he could kick the idiot for it.

“Relax.” James encourages him and when Regulus hesitantly lays his head on James’ chest, James has the audacity to stroke his hair and he wants to protest and complain but really, he could purr from how good he feels.

Of course, perfect James Potter would give perfect hugs.

He doesn’t know how long he stays like this but he isn’t ready to let go quite yet when they hear a sound at the entrance and he startles so badly he almost headbutts James, but James only laughs and holds him tighter, seemingly amused by the way Regulus shakes in terror of the idea of being found like this, in James Potter’s arms.

(His mother finding out. Torturing him again and again and again until she’s certain such disgusting urges were washed away from him.)

But whatever it was passed on. They are still alone.

“You think too much” James laughs, carefree, making Regulus’ blood boil.

“And you don’t think at all!” he says back harshly, feeling like yelling as he can see James’ grin.

For Potter, there are no consequences. His parents were ready to accept their perfect James anything and everything, yet standing here with James, he feels rather untouchable, too.
Silence falls again yet it’s different now, with Regulus’ head on James’ chest, with James’ hand in Regulus’ hair, with the way they press against each other in this perfect, beautiful moment.

Yet the moment has to end and it was Regulus that took responsibility of ending what he started, taking a few steps back, almost tripping and falling over his broomstick, trying not to grunt in annoyance as he hears James laughing at his clumsiness.

It was nice, though. Imagining that he could simply run away and be free and happy with James Potter. This boy certainly has a something that appeals to Black boys.

Should he say thank you? He truly needed that, a hug just for the sake of it, without feeling indebted to Potter now, without any strings attached. Yet James only smiles and shakes his head, as if to say ‘no need’ and once again Regulus is tempted to lift his mental barriers, only to remember with a soft huff that there’s no need.

James’ eyes are full of amusement as he watches Regulus.

“Don’t be a stranger.” It’s all James says before turning around and soon enough he’s gone, leaving Regulus with so many questions and even more butterflies in his tummy, yet he thinks that he will at least try not to be one. He will try to at least to say ‘hi’ to James when they pass each other in the hallways, that is if he is alone and not with his little gang.

He tries not to think about it too hard as he goes on his way, but as he finally makes to the library, he can hardly remember what his book was about and Mr. Darcy seems to have lost all his quality to make Regulus feel something.

Later that night, he is lying in his bed, hating the way the material of his pyjamas rubs against his skin, hating everyone else in that room, all his asleep classmates, hating his parents, his brother, himself for the stupidity he displayed to fucking hug James Potter out of all the people in the world and when he feels bile rising into his throat it’s not even surprising anymore, he just rushes to the bathroom, quietly not to wake the other boys, not out of concern for them, rather in an attempt to preserve his solitude, and as he feels his guts spilling out of himself, he can also feel hot tears rolling down his cheeks and he can’t even say if it’s shame that makes him cry or if it’s something else.

Why couldn’t he curl into Pandora’s gentle arms and find comfort into her embrace? Why did he have to initiate such contact with James Potter? Probably Potter was now sharing it all with his friends, laughing about how pathetic Regulus Black was, amused by the absurdity of that hug. Regulus hates himself like he never hated anyone else in the world.
When Regulus finally falls asleep, he doesn’t even have the power to crawl back to his bed, he falls asleep curled by the toilet and when his roommates make fun of him in the morning there is no shame left to be felt in his body.

As autumn melts into winter, no other incidents occur, but that’s because Regulus pays extra attention to not end up alone with or even around James Potter. It isn’t an easy effort but he does manage it somehow and when winter breaks is just around the corner, the relief to have two weeks away from James’ watchful eyes is so overwhelming that he somehow forgets that he is going back home, to the hell he grew up in, all alone without Sirius.

(Sirius who’s going to the Potter manor, to his new mom and dad, to his new brother, to his new life.)

Somehow, his wicked mind managed to turn that hug into much more of a big deal than it was, and Regulus wakes up at night with tighter pants and hot skin, dreaming of the hug escalating into kisses, touches that he would never dare to initiate in real life, to living in a beautiful home together with James Potter, sometimes his gang around, Sirius smiling up to him, telling him how he missed him, other times just the two of them alone together, curled into each other before a fire, James’ hands in his hair as he whispers stories into Regulus’ ears and wraps his long legs around Regulus’ body, keeping him safe from the world.

It's gotten to a point he can’t even read Pandora’s romance books anymore because he keeps imagining James instead of the male protagonists and he can’t deal with it anymore. If he did cry in Pandora’s arms that one time, she had the spirit to never mention it and to hold him until he emptied himself of sorrow.

Going home for the winter vacation meant getting away from this demon awaken inside Regulus, but it also meant having to face his mother, his father and he wasn’t ready for that either. He wishes he could stay at Hogwarts, yet he can’t know for sure if the so-called Marauders would be staying, too.

He’s decided to go just to be able to avoid James Potter for a bit, yet the more he thinks about going home, he feels uneasy. His parents weren’t too cushy normally, but since Sirius left, things have only gotten worse. Regulus realizes that there was no place in which he felt safe and comfortable anymore and the realization sinks in like dust into furniture, quietly yet with a heaviness that he can’t bear.

In the end, it is a letter from his cousin that seals his fate. Bellatrix is talking about Regulus’ recruitment as if it was a done deal, when the subject was never brought to topic around Regulus. To be fair, they probably decided for him already, why did it matter to tell Regulus anything other than the decision? He had no agency over his own life, after all. As the lists for the people that were staying were closed, he had to beg professor Slughorn to allow him to stay too, despite his late revelation and although Slughorn is firmly against it at first, he must see something in Regulus’ eyes that makes him change his mind.

He quickly writes to his parents that he wishes to stay because of OWLS and his mother complains about it in her letter, demanding that he comes home for spring holiday, yet she praises him for being so focused on his studies and it isn’t too bad of a deal, after all.
However, as the castle empties of students, Regulus finds himself rather lonely and bored, as both Pandora and Barty went home and he is actually done with all his school work, as he didn’t anticipate all this free time. He is enjoying rare freedom and he decides to celebrate it by reading as much fiction as he can find in the library, most of it being silly wizarding fairytales, yet he has a fun time and he can almost say he’s enjoying himself. Two days go by and he is rather happy with his current situation, that until he’s relaxing in the library in the afternoon with children books huddled around him and he can hear noise behind one of the shelves – noise that he quickly identifies as students making out. He sighs and he stands, boots hitting the wooden floor, eyes squished together as he is ready to take on his prefect duties and tell off whichever couple thought that making out behind the bookshelves was a good idea. As he walks to them, unnoticed, he is at a loss of words to find out that the two were no other than his brother and the sixth year Gryffindor prefect, Lupin, as Sirius’ body was pressing Lupin’s against a bookcase and they were kissing each other as if they were to go to war in a few minutes.

He wants to walk away and shake off the thoughts invading his mind but Sirius sees him first and he pulls away from Lupin, giving Regulus a look that can’t be called anything but hatred.
It’s absurd how once he felt so safe in Sirius’ arms and now, he feels so small under his eyes.
“What do you want, Black?” Sirius asks and he calls his last name as if it was foreign to him, as if it meant nothing at all to him anymore, as if he didn’t grow up across the room from Regulus, with the same nightmares and the same hopes and dreams.

“Nothing.” Regulus answers softly and he can see Lupin watching him with pity and he hates that more than the hatred in Sirius’ eyes, yet he doesn’t acknowledge him, simply staring at Sirius who stares right back at him.

He doesn’t want anything anymore, truly. He’s tired all of sudden, feeling like he’s about to play the same godforsaken game with Sirius that he played with Bellatrix the entire year. Her asking him to say and do certain things and him obeying without protest in a desperate attempt to be left alone, to save face, to satisfy her.

Unfortunately, Sirius knows him better than that and, in many ways, he is a lot cruller than Bellatrix ever could be. He knows Sirius is just waiting for him to take one wrong step in order to dig into him, to have a good reason to yell and hate Regulus, apart from all the ones he already has.

“Don’t make out in the library or I’ll dock points.” It’s all Regulus says and he’s about to turn on his heels and leave, go back to his books, to fairy tales and joy, when Sirius snarls and Regulus feels himself getting angry and he digs his feet into the floor, looking at Sirius with defiance. “What?” he asks, annoyed with Sirius now, wishing to scream and make a scene because it isn’t fair how it’s only Sirius that gets to be upset. He hates the way his brother looks at him now, like he was some dirt stuck on his shoe, like Regulus was a torn in his back, making things bad just with his existence. He longs for the days when Sirius would look at him like he was the most precious human in the world.

“Did you get any new tattoos recently?” Sirius asks and it’s cruel of him to say such a thing, making Lupin frown, looking as if he wanted to say something but thanks Merlin, he does not.

“Not yet.” Regulus replies and he can’t miss the small spark of hope into Sirius’ eyes, making him feel like screaming, as he can’t understand what is there to hope for when Sirius is the one that sealed Regulus’ fate, after all, above anyone else, when he left.

If only it was Sirius asking him to run away instead of James Potter, he would with no hesitation. Sirius, however, stays silent.

It isn’t fair of Sirius to expect Regulus to say and do certain things and yet to run away from them – from him! It is completely none of his concerns now and he has no right to complain about the decisions Regulus took or the people he chooses to associate himself with. After all, there are plenty people willing to teach Regulus things and help him in his adult life as Sirius should have. He isn’t alone, his cousin made certain of that, and he finds her new husband to be a pleasant company, despite their giggling behind closed doors about his choice to have his hair long and his pretentious attitude. After all, Narcissa dyed those strikes in her own hair to resemble him, so she can’t really laugh too hard.

He is doing fine without Sirius and once his brother graduated, they won’t even have to see each other anymore! They aren’t anything to each other anymore, so why is Regulus’ heart so heavy?

It’s only then when it hits him, under Lupin’s careful eyes and Sirius’ scrumptious gaze. If these two are here, it means James is too. James Potter, the main reason he did want to go home. He has to make an effort to remember Bellatrix’s recent hysteria to recall why he decided to stay at school after all.

‘Did James stay?’ he wants to ask, just to make sure, although he already knows the answer, but he’s too horrified to say his name in the presence of Sirius to dare such a reckless thing.
After all, what were these people to him other than blood traitors, pathetic Gryffindors with no sense of how the real world was truly like? When the Dark Lord will run the Ministry, they will see. Although Regulus hopes that he will be merciful to stupid pure bloods like his brother and James Potter, he can’t help but greatly doubt that.

Their shortcomings were not his fault, however, and he can’t torture himself over this, no matter how tempting that might be. He must stay tall and proud and do things the right way, as he was raised to, without allowing the childness of his brother pull him down too.
Yet there are many questions on the tip of his tongue. Is Sirius taken care of? Does he need anything? Books, money, food, clothes? If only he’d ask, Regulus would give him the moon on the sky. But they both know Sirius will never ask. Regulus lost the privilege of knowing when his brother is sick or upset, now that he chose to spend his days with people like Bellatrix and Severus Snape. He can’t play the innocent card; they are both to blame in this situation.

As the silence grew heavier, Regulus finally turns his back at the two, walking away, the children’s books pushed back into their shelves as if they were poisonous before Regulus walks out of the library, head held high, eyes empty of emotions, despite his impulse to run as far away as he could from Sirius.

Once he knows James is in the castle as well, he wants to pretend that nothing is really different so he tries not to think about it, but the truth is that he cannot stop thinking of James Potter and that sucks more than he cares to admit. He noticed the way he swore out loud whenever he thought of the Gryffindor and he finds his reaction to be rather amusing as he normally isn’t one for swearing and loud anger. Nonetheless, when it came to James, he considers that the boy with glasses deserves the antagonizing reactions.

Regulus has ten more days to spend trapped in this castle with his brother and James Potter and it takes an angry letter from Bellatrix to soften his regret. He can’t help but wonder why the Dark Lord would tolerate such an unhinged being around him and he makes a mental note to actually ask about it once he meets the man.

His Christmas presents are not too extraordinary. He gets rather predictable gifts yet he enjoys them anyway. His mother sends him more of the muggle suits he loves so much, saying how she saw some ministry officials wearing them and she thought he would be well suited for them, too. Deep down, he knows that it’s only because the officials were family friends that she took this decision, but he allows himself to think that maybe the suits were sent also because she knew how much Regulus liked them.

His father sent him some family heirloom that Regulus can’t figure out what it is so he decides that he might as well entertain himself later by trying to figure out its use. As for his cousins, Narcissa sends him silver rings with the Black crest traced inside of them, leaving the mark of it on Regulus’ skin, and he knows she’s not wearing them anymore because she is now married to Lucius. However, he also always really liked them and he’s deeply moved by the fact that she noticed that and actually gave the rings to him instead of putting them away in a box. Bellatrix sent him books on dark magic, encouraging him to study, and Regulus likes them too because although she is insane, she is really smart and that’s just why Regulus kind of looked up to her.

Andrometa sends him nothing.

Neither does Sirius.

Barty, however, gave him sweets, enough to eat from them until the summer break and Regulus stacks it all under his bed and laughs at the silly tradition, because that’s what he got from Barty the previous year and the year before; and that’s what he’s probably going to get from Barty when they’re both old and grey like Dumbledore.

Pandora’s presents are the only ones that are always a surprise, as she is the most unpredictable person he knows. She isn’t easy to shop for, but when Regulus saw a set of colourful robes in the window of a shop and thought ‘no sane wizard would wear this’ he knew that not only will Pandora wear it, but she will also make it look amazing on her.
On the other hand, she got him a book on the history of house elves, written in French, ordered from Paris most likely, and Regulus can’t help but be in awe at this amazing girl that always knew him the best.

With a tummy full of chocolate, he decides to skip breakfast and take a walk, elegant in his clothes underneath a big warm coat that coincidentally or not he also got for Christmas the pass year (from Narcissa) and he ventured outside, enjoying the cold winter air and the afternoon sun.

It was a nice day and he allowed himself to stop thinking for once and enjoy the moment. He found enjoyment in the creaking of the snow under his boots, in the way he knew his cheeks got rosier from the cold, in the lull of the knowledge he was alone with the creatures of the outside, no other human to bother him.

This time, being alone was an ideal framing for his Christmas, with nothing to upset him, and he thought that maybe he could take this opportunity to think about his future, as he knew career counselling is coming and he must decide on doing something with his time. His only ideas were stupid or unpractical, but he also is aware that by being the heir now he had many responsibilities that would excuse him out of a job.

Pandora says he would do a fine Magizoologist, however he is aware he would cause his mother distress by only suggesting it.

As he is walking pass the Black Lake, he finds it funny how silly the birds seem to act when no one is around, chasing each other through the cold water, splashing and quacking rudely at one another, so he decides to sit in the snow by the lake and watch their silly interactions.

Regulus must be really used to the cold because he somehow dozes off in the snow and when he opens his eyes once again, he’s being watched by someone. He would normally be really scared by this yet he recognizes the eyes as James’ and he doesn’t find it in himself to be distressed, just nervous, as his entire purpose for these two weeks was to avoid James and he lost on day four.

James keeps watching his quietly even after Regulus straightens his body into a sitting position, looking back into those dark brown eyes and wondering how such a dark shade can be so full of light.

“Are you part of the nature now? Sleeping with the ducks?” James asks, grinning at Regulus and it takes effort for the Slytherin not to laugh. Indeed, he would very much enjoy being just another duck on the lake.

He doesn’t say anything however as he can see James’ smile and he feels that deeply wrong feeling in his tummy that makes him want to stay the hell away from James. He never feels angrier than when he finds himself alone with James Potter, yet he isn’t angry at James, rather with himself for not being angry with James, and it’s all twisted and confusing.
“I told you not to be a stranger and yet you avoided me.” James says then and Regulus wants to yell at him once again, to demand for James to explain what is it that he wants, why did he stay, why can’t he stay out of Regulus’ dreams and heart?

“There was nothing for me to tell you.” Is what Regulus says, as dignified as he can, although once again he’s acutely aware that James can see right through him.

James just smiles softly, kindly, understanding, always so patient and calm, and he nods. “Wanna take a walk with me?” He asks, so calm and casual and Regulus looks at him like he’s crazy.

‘Of course, I don’t fucking want to go on a walk with you.’ Regulus wants to reply, afraid that if people were to see him with James Potter, they would also be able to see Regulus’ dreams, mind, his desire to be loved and owned by James Potter, and no one was to know that, not even James himself.

But it was so early and most people were away and the ones that were at the castle were most likely asleep and Regulus really likes walking around the Black Lake and so against his better judgement he says ‘yes’ and James’ smile is so bright the sun has nothing on it.
He stands on his own, although James offers him his hand, and although he saw and heard James’ laugh, he pretends he did not.

The weather is cold and hostile, meant to keep people inside and that seems to be the perfect excuse for James to walk closer to Regulus than he normally would, their hands almost touching, making Regulus want to implore James to just grab his hand already, yet he doesn’t, he doesn’t dare talk in fear of saying something stupid like that.

The lake is quiet now that the ducks went away as Regulus slept, the entire world is, still and silent as they walk together through the snow, further and further away from the castle and neither says a thing. Regulus can’t help but notice that James Potter is awfully quiet around him and he can’t quite understand why.

Nothing spectacular happens and Regulus can’t justify the feeling in his tummy yet at some point they reach the Forbidden Forest and he’s about to stir away when James smirks and wraps his hand around his arm, pulling him closer to the forest.

“Come on.” He says and if this were to be anyone else, Regulus would wonder if he’s about to be murdered, but no, this is James, stupid, reckless James Potter and the smirk on his face promises nothing but trouble and if Regulus was sane, he wouldn’t ever allow James to pull him to the goddamn Forbidden Forest but he follows James nonetheless with the curiosity of a child.

“If we get killed, they will blame me of murder.” Regulus says and it takes James a few seconds, but when he figures out that Regulus made a joke, he starts laughing so loudly that there’s no way each and every creature in the forest now knows that they were there.
James Potter is incredibly dorky yet this discovery makes him even more perfect in Regulus’ mind and he finds unfair how one single person can be blessed with all the beautiful things the creator has left on this earth.

“Shall I leave a note, explaining that it is my idea and mine alone to take this incredibly dangerous walk today?” James asks and Regulus laughs out loud, shaking his head at his immense goofiness, yet he takes out a piece of paper and as he grins James looks at him with that look in his eyes that was wrong, so wrong and yet felt so right.

James Potter should stop looking at Regulus as if he was someone precious so it will hurt less when it inevitably turns out that he’s no one special after all.

James does take his eyes away from him and he slumps against a tree. Although Regulus doesn’t want to let down his guard around this boy, he starts giggling when he sees James writing and when he’s handed back the note from him he reads it out loud, a smile making its place on his face.

“Taking a walk through the Forbidden Forest was exclusively my idea. – James Fleamont, wait, is Fleamont your middle name?!”

“Hey, it’s my father’s name!” James protests, a pout on his face that makes him look a certain way, determining Regulus to quickly look away so he wouldn’t stare.

“James Fleamont Potter” Regulus finishes reading, saying James’ name carefully, as if he was speaking it for the first time.

In a way, he was. It was the first time the name James (Fleamont) Potter didn’t leave a bitter taste in his mouth. Rather, he looks at James with an unimpressed look on his face and he takes his time to truly look at him.
His hair was a mess, clearly James wasn’t familiar with the concept of a comb, yet somehow that mess only made him more charming, more beautiful and Regulus was rather attracted to it, if he would only allow himself a moment of sincerity. James has nice lips too, Regulus notices. Very pleasing to the eye, yes, soft and plump and moisturised, unlike Regulus’ permanently hurting ones, as he had the awful habit of biting them all the time and never had the good sense to moisturise or even hydrate decently (he only knows he should be doing these things because Pandora brought them to his attention); James was rather tall too, but he wasn’t lanky which was attractive in it’s own way. His hands were nice, Regulus is certain of it as he thought a considerable amount of time about the way James’ hand felt wrapped around his arm.

Overall, he was a decent guy when it came to appearance and he wasn’t too much of a dick either, apart from his childish tendencies to engage in silly pranks and so on with Sirius.
Yes, maybe his association with Sirius is his biggest flaw.

“Fine.” He says as he starts walking, agreeing to the madness and James starts laughing, informing him that he’s walking right towards the nest of an Acromantula colony and Regulus stops, face a little whiter than usually.

“Would you follow my lead, good sir?” James asks with a smile on his face and Regulus can’t really do much but follow. They don’t seem to go too far in the forest and that’s a good thing, as Regulus trusts James’ survival instincts despite it all (like yes – he knows how much stupid stuff James does on a regular basis but really, he never died because of it up to this point so Regulus has some faith) but still wants to be able to find his way back on his own if it comes to it.

Regulus thought of a multitude of things James would want to show him yet they stop before a tree and Regulus is so dumfounded by it that he thinks James is just trying to remember the way from that point on but no, the tree is the main attraction it seems and James is grinning like a fool. Regulus is now certain this man is out of his mind.

“It’s a tree.” Regulus says out loud, as he’s trying to understand what the purpose of this all is, and James nods, as if impressed by Regulus’ spirit of observation.

“A tree indeed my dear friend.”

Friend? Okay.

“Why are we in a forest to look at a tree?” He then asks, as he walks around the tree.
Pretty unremarkable, other than the scratches on the bark. Regulus would guess it was from some sort of antlered animal, maybe a deer or no, a stag more likely.

“We are here to appreciate the uniqueness of a tree in the forest.” James announces and he makes it sound like a big deal, although Regulus can’t really see why but he’s fine to roll with it, as it is absurd enough that he is where he shouldn’t be, with someone he shouldn’t be with, just to look at a tree.

“Okay… So… is this something like… appreciating the individuality of each of us although we all are just a composing piece of the group of people that can perform magic?”
Regulus asks it very serious, which is why he frowns and looks rather offended when James grins, shaking his head.

“No man, it’s just a tree.”

As James is laughing, Regulus takes advantage of his distracted state to pull one of the lower branches and before he can protect himself or get away, James is hit square in the face with it, his surprised expression prompting Regulus to burst into laughter.

“Great tree, Potter.” He teases, as James spits out a leaf.

“Thank you, Regulus.” James answers very serious, nodding his head and messing out his hair in an attempt to shake away any leaves that would have gotten stuck in his curls.

‘Regulus’

His name should not sound this delicious spoken by James Potter and yet it tasted like heaven.

“Now what?” Regulus asks, looking up at the tree and then back at James, who pulls a book out of his pocket.

“Now we sit down and read, obviously.” He says and before Regulus could rebuttal, he climbs up the tree under Regulus’ widened gaze and he sits on one of the branches, smirking down at Regulus.

“I don’t have a book.” The boy still on the ground answers, feeling a bit nauseated as he understands he is expected to climb up at well and he doesn’t trust it, it isn’t the hight that makes him uneasy, rather being alone with James Potter in a tree.

“You’ll read to me. Come on!”

“I’m not your mother to read to you!”

James tils his head.

“True. Nonetheless, please come up.” He says and although it’s a polite request he sounds demanding, as if he were ready to pull Regulus up himself if the boy would deny him any longer.

Regulus is afraid of that so he swallows and carefully climbs up although with great difficulty, as he never climbed a tree before, and when he’s close enough James’s hand wraps around his own and pulls him up with enough force that Regulus knows he won’t be able to get away if James doesn’t want him to.

The branch seems steady enough to hold them both and he allows himself to relax once both his hands are gripping it yet James looks at him expecting and Regulus realizes James is truly wants Regulus to take the book from his hand and read to him and that makes him feel like he might throw up.

“No way in Hell.” He says firmly and James smirks, leaning closer.

“Live a little, will you?” He says and he goes to pull Regulus’ hand from the tree bark and he whines softly but he doesn’t really put up a fight and when the book is shoved in his hand, he can only look at James like a lost puppy, to no gain as James keeps smirking and watching him expectedly; Regulus pushes his side against the tree trunk as much as he can and he curses James out loud because the book is a hardcover and he can’t hold it in just one hand, so he has to completely let go of the tree. He swears at James again when he sees his grin widening.

It is a history book of all the things that it could have been and it’s rather boring in the way it’s written so Regulus starts retelling things he reads in his own words and James clearly catches on because he looks so excited that Regulus thinks of hitting him just to wipe his joy away. He doesn’t hit him, after all, because James is rather well behaved for a Gryffindor dork and the castle looks beautiful from up there. He notices very late that James must have put a warming charm on them as despite the snow he’s warm and cosy and he reads three chapters until his hands start cramping and he whines out loud about it, wishing James would let him stop.

Miraculously, he does, smiling to Regulus as he takes the book now, shrinks it again and places it back in his pocket.

“Now what?” Regulus asks, refusing to look at James, who looked to relaxed from someone sitting with his head in the lap of the enemy, because of course the bastard had to get comfortable and Regulus wishes to push him off more than anything but he does not, he behaves, since he decided that maybe James isn’t all that bad after all.

“Now we could go back, but I am too lazy to stand.” James says, smiling proud of himself for such a foolish admission, so Regulus just rolls his eyes, wishing to be able to stay quiet, yet somehow, he loses all common sense in the presence of James Potter.

“I could kick you off.” He says, harshly, and James pouts. “I am certain there are far more interesting people for you to bother right now.” He adds with a huff.

“Neah, you are the most interesting one.” James is quick to disagree, making Regulus roll his eyes and mumble a ‘sure’ under his breath.

He doesn’t appreciate a beautiful liar, he was always more for the ugly truth so he doesn’t comment but he can tell James knows he doesn’t buy it because he straightens himself, holding on the tree branch as he faces Regulus.

“I mean it, Regulus. I genuinely want to be here now.” He says and his eyes are so open and honest that Regulus could make the mistake of believing him, but unfortunately his words make no sense and his truth sounds like a lie.

“Why?” Regulus asks, confused. “I’m nothing like Sirius.”

James smiles at that, looking at him pointedly. “You’re not.” He agrees.

Then why? He can’t understand the mind of James Potter.

He didn’t do anything special to bring this upon himself. He simply minded his own business, it’s James that keeps approaching him, after all.

Will James ask him to run away again? He didn’t bring it up anymore but Regulus knows too well that James Potter doesn’t give up easily, especially since he is so used to always getting what he wants. Regulus doesn’t want to give him any reasons to bring it up, either.

He would rather remain confused about it all than be the one to open the subject again.

“You’re surprising to me, that’s all.” James says, as if that clears up anything. What’s the deal with this guy?

“You came to me. I don’t want to be friends or anything.” Regulus says and it makes James frown, as if he was confused by this statement. Did Regulus do anything to make James think that they were friends? Was this his fault? No, it can’t be, because it’s James that keeps approaching him and not the other way around.

He did hug him that one time, though. Was that what it was about? But James already said that it wasn’t a big deal.

However, James looks hurt by Regulus’ words, eyes looking away from him, trying to hide away his disappointment and Regulus can’t help but feel bad for making James like this. ‘I’m a bad person.’ He wants to say. He must have been, if he drove Sirius away.

James Potter is nice enough but he feels like he belongs to Sirius and Regulus doesn’t want to mess that up in any way. He would rather keep his eyes down and keep minding his own business without all this complication, especially now that he learned that he feels nice around James.

Nice? Safe. Happy.

“I’m sorry.” He mutters, as he wants to wipe away the look of hurting on James’ face.
“Maybe I don’t want to be friends either.” James says then and although Regulus said it first it still hurt, much more than he cares to admit, and he feels tempted to tell off James for getting them into these situations if he isn’t even trying to be friends with Regulus, anyway.
What is the point of all of this?

“But I did think it would be nice to kiss you. I don’t think that about any of my friends.” James continues, saying it so casually. Regulus, on the other hand, is so shocked that he loses his balance and in the blink of an eye his back and head hit the ground with a thump, coldness engulfing him as he falls in the soft snow.

He can hear James screaming his name and he can hear his boots hitting the snow as he jumps off of the tree but he’s too dizzy to react with anything other than a whine. Despite the snow, it still hurt, but it also was incredibly funny and he starts laughing, softly at first but louder and louder later on, even more amused by the look of confusion on James’ face.
“Is this your attempt at sabotaging the Slytherin Quidditch team? Getting their seeker afraid of highs? Because it’s kind of working, not going to lie.”

He keeps giggling like a madman and he can see James smiling too. When James offers him his hand to take, Regulus takes it and he allows James Potter to pull him up, chest to chest in comfortable silence for a few moments.

In the back of his mind, he can hear James screaming his name again and again and again.
They walk back quietly. When James’ hand reaches for his own, he pretends not to notice, but when his hand is safely held by James’, he intertwines their fingers together and he doesn’t comment on James’ smile.

James smiles a lot when they’re alone together.

He isn’t certain what this is but he doesn’t want to worry too much about it all, as he knows that he can so very easily ruin something this beautiful. James’ hand is warm into his and Regulus keeps glancing at the different shades of their skin and he wishes he could draw the way they look together or even take a photograph so he could look at it forever.

As they are getting closer to the castle, they both walk slower, a quiet agreement that neither is ready for this moment to end, for a decision to be made. Maybe the problem never was that Regulus disliked James, but now he’s certain that he might like him too much and that for sure will be an issue.

He’s acutely aware that he didn’t actually give James an answer, he didn’t deny the possibility of a kiss but he didn’t entertain it either. He never imagined himself getting kissed by someone in particular, he had dreams about faceless lovers that called him precious and stroked his hair, of beautiful sunny afternoons spent in someone’s arms. He was never certain if that person was a woman or not but he never doubted his partner’s womanhood, either. Now he is not too certain about anything anymore.

He knew he had free time on his hands now but he didn’t want to overthink his entire existence in these free weeks and he doesn’t appreciate James triggering that in him.
They both hesitate to enter the castle. James seems sad, as if Regulus rejected him when he did not do such a thing. Whatever, he isn’t responsible for how James feels.

“I’m going.” He says and he lets go of James’ hand, a cold way to end an otherwise nice encounter, but he doesn’t have it in him to be kind.

James completely messed with his mind.

“Bye.” He can hear James saying.

He keeps walking, steps echoing through the castle, but he feels James watching him and he feels like he’s doing something incredibly wrong by walking away.

He turns to look at James and their eyes meet. There’s so something heavy in the air but there’s an even heavier longing inside Regulus’ and when he whispers “Please” he does it because he feels like he must know what being touched by hands that seek to give you pleasure instead of pain feels like. He’s ready to scream and cry and run when he hears his own voice and understands he spoke out loud, but James looks at him with a beautiful look of surprise in his eyes and for a moment Regulus is terrified that James might pity him, but instead James takes one step, and then another, and he cups Regulus’ cheeks and presses those soft, full lips against Regulus’ own, making Regulus’ body shake with excitement, as the kiss was everything he didn’t know he needed up until this very moment.
Instead of pulling apart quickly, much like other couples Regulus saw kissing before, this kiss is longer, clumsy yet desperate, and Regulus never understood the appeal of kissing before this, but now he absolutely does.

James’ lips linger on top of his, as if he isn’t ready to stop kissing Regulus quite yet so it’s Regulus that brings their lips together again, into another kiss, and he is certain that he did the right thing when James’ hands let go of his cheeks and soon enough, they wrap around Regulus’ middle, pulling him impossibly close; there are risks in doing this, doesn’t he know it, but he would risk it all for this.

“Someone might see us” he whines when they pull away, quickly as he knew James was leaning in for another kiss already.

Much to his satisfaction, James whines too, and he doesn’t let go of him, yet his eyes are now darting around, as if afraid Sirius would pop up from just around the corner.

It was satisfying, seeing James Potter nervous. Regulus enjoyed it very much.

“I would take you to my room and do unspeakable things to you if your brother wasn’t there right now.” James says, his eyes misted with desire and remorse, because his body must burn in the same fire Regulus’ own is burning.

Maybe that’s why he feels bolder now, needier, as his fingers curl around James’ coat and he whispers into his ear:

“My room is empty right now.”

“You never seemed to be the rebel type to me.” James laughs as Regulus pulls him by the hand, feeling bold, and indeed reckless, high with his hand into James’.

“I am happy that I can still surprise you.” Regulus replies, sarcasm dripping from his lips although his eyes betray his happiness. As they walk to the dungeons, the halls are empty, and Regulus is certain that the three other Slytherin students that stayed for the holydays were either at breakfast or in the library.

He keeps expecting James to cower away, to change his mind, to say anything to hint that, in fact, he was bluffing, yet James stays quiet and so does Regulus, until they are in the common room of the Slytherin dungeon and indeed, it’s empty, the only witness to their shameless breaking of the rules being the fishes outside the glass windows and the paintings on the walls.

James’ coat does not betray his Gryffindor affiliation so none of the paintings takes too much notice of him so the two boys walk undisturbed, Regulus noticing with amusement the way James’ curious eyes look around the common room.

As he leads James to his bedroom, Regulus trembles with nerves, as he feels like he went mad, yet James’ grip of his hand is so steady that he does not dare to be the one that breaks this beautiful connection of theirs, so unexpected yet so precious to him.

The dormitory of the fifth-year boys is void of life when they walk in and as the door closes behind them, Regulus turns to look at James, to tease, to ask ‘well, what now? Not so bold, are you Potter?’ but he doesn’t get to do that because before he knows it James’ hands are cupping his cheeks again and he’s being kissed with passion he never experienced before. His knees buckle but he steadies himself before he could do something embarrassing like falling over, his own hands gripping James’ robes for purchase, desperate to have something to hold him up, and James seems to get the hint because he wraps his arms around Regulus’ middle and pulls him impossibly close, to the point the younger boy can only smell, see, feel James Potter and no one else, intoxicated with him.

When James pulls away Regulus whines. He’d be embarrassed only if James wasn’t looking at him with such fondness and Regulus knows that no one else will ever look at him like this again but it’s fine, it’s all fine, as no one but James matters, anyway.

“Which one is your bed?” James asks and Regulus could laugh because of course James would care about things like that. Does he not want to fuck Regulus in a bed that wasn’t his own? Good then, who’s Regulus to complain about such things, especially now, with his entire body burning up with lust and need.

He points to his bed and with a soft thump, that Regulus understands later was James’ book bag falling on the floor, James picks Regulus up like he was nothing and in two quick steps (oh, James had such long legs, Regulus noticed that, he noticed it all, the shape of his hands around a broomstick, the way his arms would harden when he was tense, revealing his muscles, otherwise aptly hid behind a relaxed attitude and larger shirts, the way his legs would stretch under a desk, parted, almost inviting Regulus to crawl between them) and it’s only when him and James are rolling over on Regulus’ bed that he realizes he was fantasizing about a body he was about to explore with his mouth.

James frowns for a moment and Regulus is fascinated with the way his forehead crinkles, especially that he can observe it from being right on top of James, and he realizes that with what they were about to do, it was okay to touch it so he does, tracing the soft lines with his fingers, and James laughs at him with much endearment as he pulls an open book from under the covers and frowns in confusion as he reads a few words from it but then puts it aside with much care, making Regulus’ heart to beat even faster as he can’t help but notice how careful James was, and he doesn’t even care that it was the disguised copy of the book from Pandora.

Once the book is out of the way, James kisses him again, smiling smugly as he feels the way Regulus melts against him but Regulus doesn’t mind, he allows James to take control of the kiss as he doesn’t really have experience and James seems to know what he’s doing, or at least he is doing something Regulus certainly enjoys.

James is wearing sweatshirt and sweatpants and Regulus can’t help but think that this is the most unattractive outfit one could put together and he can’t believe his first time is about to be with James Potter somehow still looking so hot wearing that. Never mind the outfit anyway, there’s excitement crawling under his skin as he figures he’s about to see James naked, truly naked, in all his beauty, not just another stolen glance in the changing rooms after a Quidditch game.

“Are you nervous?” James asks as he pulls away and Regulus shakes his head in denial, but the softness on James’ face reveals that the older boy doesn’t believe him one bit. He was nervous, yes, he was, but he was excited too.

He wonders if James has any experience, he wonders if he ever been this intimate with anyone before and then a horrifying thought crosses his mind.

“Have you ever done this with my brother?!” Regulus suddenly asks, sounding more like an accusation than a question, but the disgusted look on James’ face is enough of an answer, as the boy yells out his denial and shivers in disgust.

Regulus laughs, a soft yet loud sound, falling on the mattress like a starfish, amused beyond everything, opening his mouth to tease James only to be taken aback by the fond way in which James is watching him. He gasps, actually gasps at the fondness in James’ eyes, amazed with how one can watch him with so much love when he’s not doing anything too special, just laughing.

“I never wanted to touch anyone the way I want to touch you right now.” James confesses and it’s so cheesy and stupid but Regulus is moved nonetheless and when he leans in for a kiss James meets him halfway.

Regulus is happy he is not wearing robes today. He’s wearing a gorgeous dress shirt that he received as a birthday present some time ago from Pandora, soft blue of it complimenting his grey eyes, the fabric soft against his skin, all unimportant details now, although he’s happy he’s wearing his good clothes anyway, despite being acutely aware that he will get rid of them in a very short time.

“Your mind is someplace else.” James laughs, as if he can hear Regulus’ brain going on and on about the fabric and the colour of his shirt and so James simply decides to take Regulus’ clothes off and once again the younger boy can’t help but wonder how the fuck did James know, but Potter just laughs and pulls Regulus’ hand into his own and it takes this gesture for Regulus to notice he was clutching his shirt into his hand.

The air in the room is cold, the stone walls and the lake surrounding the dungeon don’t really make for a very warm environment, so Regulus uses this as an excuse to cling to James, trying to warm himself, but also wishing to find the nerve to get him undressed too, because it’s unfair for only Regulus to be left in his boxers.

He doesn’t have time to think this through too much though because James takes off his shirt and pulls Regulus into another kiss, but this time is different than before, as Regulus can feel James’ hot skin against his own and his mind goes blank, the only thing in his head being the need for more and so his fingers dig into James’ back, pulling him closer and closer.

Only if he could, he’d have James melt against his skin, making him an eternal part of himself, the reckless, bold side of him that fears nothing and enjoys pleasure. He already knows he’ll reply this moment in his head forever and ever.

His body is pliant into James’ arms so when James slides his hands under his boxers, touching his bare ass, he leans closer, curls into the touch, digs his fingernails into James’ back and although James whines in protest, he doesn’t pull away.

There’s so much happening and yet nothing happens at all, they keep kissing, clumsy in their lack of experience yet so needy. Regulus finds his fingers curled into James’ hair and he’s surprised to learn that the wildness of curls is soft and wild, not an untameable mess rather a beautiful madness of its own design.

“Can I?” James whispers. Regulus thinks that it’s insane that he asks but he nods vigorously anyway, allowing his nose to press against James’ neck, breathing in his smell, as James’ fingers slip between Regulus’ ass cheeks. He feels his own body tensing, stressed with the possibility of pain but James shushes him so softly, as if he was a child to be comforted, and captures his mouth into another kiss, managing to melt away Regulus’ worries and his capacity to focus, yet as James’ wet, cold finger pushes inside his body, Regulus still finds it in him to be impressed by the nonverbal magic.

The sensation is foreign but he isn’t too focused on that, rather on the way he can feel James’ long, callous finger, certain that he could draw it from feeling it like this alone and he can’t hold down his fascination.

“Merlin, can you turn down your brain?” James asks and Regulus must look offended because he goes off even more. “I’m trying to focus on doing this right and… and… you are thinking too loud!” James complains, making Regulus laugh and relax, feeling so fond of this dork that he could burst out of his skin.

“One of us has to.” He replies smoothly and James yells “Oy!” in protest although he’s grinning in amusement as well.

They’d go on and on with their bickering but James’ finger moves inside his body and it’s strange but it isn’t bad. There’s momentary confusion for both of them as they can’t seem to figure out how is this supposed to feel good for Regulus, but then James hits a spot inside him that makes him see stars and it must show on his face because James’ finger curls against that spot again and again and again, until Regulus hears his own voice begging for more.

James doesn’t hesitate to comply as a second finger is pressed inside his body and Regulus can’t seem to be able to think of any witty remarks anymore, not like this, not when James is learning things about his body that Regulus himself didn’t know.

He should be devastated and shaking with fear at doing such acts with another man, even more so that the man is James Potter, but he doesn’t have it in him, his rationality melted away in a puddle of desire and all he can feel is James so what’s the point of pretending he still has some dignity left, especially when he’s the one begging for more, having James look at him like that, like he was something precious to be taken care of and not simply Regulus, who can’t find it in himself to hold back from James.

“Please” he whispers again but there’s something more compelling about his plea this time, as James gives in and actually vanishes the clothes left on them (as if that won’t be a pain later to undo) and Regulus can see on his face that he’s nervous too and that shouldn’t be as soothing as it is. There’s some fumbling as they try to figure out how to do this, but it’s exactly the uncertainty and clumsiness that makes Regulus relax in James’ arms.

Once he feels James inside himself, he feels full in a multitude of ways, toes curling, spine arching above the matters as his teeth dig into his lower lip, having to swallow hard to keep himself quiet, pleasure erupting out of him in a plethora of soft, muffled moans that he’s trying so very hard to hold down.

It’s only when James’ fingers curl around his chin, pulling his head closer, looking at him with an almost wild look in his eyes that he truly feels the gravity of it all. James Potter is buried inside him and it feels as good as if he was designed to fit James’ dick inside his body.
“I want to hear you.” James demands and his thumb strokes Regulus’ lower lip, gently but firmly pulling it from under the boy’s teeth and Regulus would protest, he would, but there’s nothing he can truly say anymore as James seems to be looking into his soul and as Regulus learns that he enjoys having someone deep inside himself, James learns with him.
James pulls him up, wrapping his arms around him and holding him into a tight embrace, making everything feel so much more intimate and maybe it’s not the act in itself that makes Regulus feel weak in the knees, rather the way James’ eyes look into his as he’s holding his body like this.

James looks at him with a look Regulus never saw on anyone before, there’s undeniable tenderness in his eyes but there’s also something more, something that Regulus mistakes for desire but maybe it’s not that but lust. Either way, Regulus decides that he’d love for James Potter to look at him like this forever. Regulus never felt this relaxed and boneless before and it’s crazy, since this exact type of situation should drive him to overthinking and stress. Maybe James senses his train of thoughts because he starts moving, too fast for Regulus to truly comprehend but it’s fine because he can feel it in his entire being, from the way goosebumps cover his skin to the way his heart’s pounding is echoing in his ears and his fingers grab the sheets.

James looks at him and does that again and again, hand pulling Regulus’s, seemingly bothered by the way he gripping the white cloth, and pulls his hands around his muscular back, eyes intense as he looks into Regulus’, bodies pressed together, Regulus’ fingers leaving angry red marks on the tanned back of his lover, James’ hands holding his hips in place as he thrusts in and out of Regulus.

“Stop trying to get away.” James says. “Hands on me, eyes on me. Let me have you, Regulus.”

Truly, Regulus wants nothing more than to give in but there’s so much fear still holding him back, with James Potter all over him and his eyes must betray it because suddenly he finds himself pushed on his back and he’s no longer in James’ lap but rather under him and yes, like this it’s a lot harder to be able to think of anything other than James, James, James.
No one can hurt him here and now.

He gasps and then he gasps again, body shivering from the intensity of everything that’s happening to him, wishing he could act as if he is a mere participant of it all and not the instigator of this situation, but this is his bed and his own lust that’s making his body burn with pleasure.

He whines rather pathetic when he realizes that his sounds of pleasure aren’t just mindless blabbering rather being James’ name spoken again and again and James clearly lets himself encouraged by it all because he shows Regulus no mercy, rolling in and out of him with nothing short of desperation and no matter how much Regulus sobs there’s no kindness given to him because they’d both lose their minds if James were to slow down even a bit.
There’s fire in his tummy and he’s certain no one other than James Potter would have been able to light it up. With every sound James makes, every moan and grunt, Regulus wishes he could make this moment last forever, always be just a body for James to enjoy whenever he craves it because he’s absolutely desperate to have more of this and he doesn’t think James will ever be dumb enough to touch him again.

Unfortunately, the moment can’t last forever as they’re young and it’s the first time someone other than themselves touches them like this. Regulus comes first, shaking hands gripping James’ back with no mercy or regards of the marks he’d leave there and when the fire starts getting too much he whines and squirms and James actually has to push him down on the matters and gives him a warning look to behave. Clearly, he was entitled to his own orgasm too, but that didn’t mean Regulus didn’t whine and whimper about it, decided to make James aware of how he was losing his mind.

He didn’t mind it at all, but he loved the way it felt to be pinned down by James Potter, and clearly James saw right through him too.

There’s great pleasure in being allowed to be this childish and protest so much around James, even as he wanted it all, yet it was nice to be able to pout and have thrown those disapproving looks without fearing any pain as punishment.

When James cums, Regulus shivers and looks at him with a small frown, as if ready to admonish him for his act, yet James kisses him once again and it’s really very hard to stay mad at him when his lips are so soft and his hands are stroking his cheeks like that.

‘You’re truly perfect.’ Regulus wants to say, not in appreciation but rather as a critique, as no one should be this fucking wonderful, no one, James Potter must have at least one flaw for fuck’s sake, yet Regulus can’t for think of it to save his life.

“You really are a rebel.” James laughs instead and it makes Regulus’ nose crinkle, although it fades away when James starts giggling. It wouldn’t be a big deal if James didn’t have the audacity to kiss his nose, making Regulus whine once again.

As James hears him, his smile softens and his hands roll all over Regulus’ body, stroking it gently. He allows himself to close his eyes and feel his body go pliant at the touch, enjoying the feeling of being pressed against the matters by James Potter out of all people.

“You’re so gorgeous.” James praises him and Regulus shivers because he absolutely believes him, right here and now. Regulus must be gorgeous for James to do such a beautiful thing with him.

Regulus wants to talk, to compliment James back, to sing his praises and stroke his hair but he’s at a loss of words like never before. Truthfully, he can’t believe what just happened, although he’s buzzing with the excitement of their intimate moment, and when James’ hand stretches out to take the book from the nightstand and look at it, Regulus doesn’t even want to try and protest.

“This isn’t fifth year Potions” James grins and so does Regulus, turning on his tummy and cuddling against James, pleasantly aware of James’ arm around his shoulders.

“It isn’t.” Regulus agrees, tempted to snatch the book back, as it wasn’t even his anyway, and he trusts James with his body but he doesn’t trust him with this book.

“Would you tell me what it is?” James asks, looking back at him bemused and Regulus shakes his head, grinning like a mischievous child.

It’s a novel, that much is clear enough and James wouldn’t know it by name anyway as it was a muggle book.

“Keep your secrets then, Regulus.”

It’s infuriating how easy everything is when he’s with James and yet when James pulls him into a warm embrace, allowing him to use his chest as a pillow, cuddled together under the blanket, he can’t find it in him to be upset even a bit.

When James starts reading out loud, starting from page one, completely dismissing Regulus’ bookmark, the younger boy understands that this is what bliss must feel like.

They keep finding each other in the castle in the next few days. They both like to pretend it is by chance but they both know too well they seek each other, enjoying the comfort of Regulus’ empty bedroom and the comfortable silence that they share. James is actually extremely pleasant when he is alone, but deep down, Regulus can’t help but feel like he took something that belongs to Sirius, without his brother’s permission.

He finds himself tempted to overthink but he can’t find it in himself to stop this madness, not when his bedsheets started smelling like James and his hand drew mindless lines on the corners of his textbooks that he recognized to be the crinkles of James’ eyes when he smiles.

His new normal settles so easily that he cannot recall his life before James, he can’t comprehend that he existed in such a miserable state before when he could have experienced such happiness all along.

He knows however that it’s frail and his happiness isn’t truly his to keep.

It’s at breakfast when he’s brutally reminded that he didn’t exist in a little bubble with James, when the Great Hall is so empty that he can easily hear the four Gryffindor boys talking.

“Where do you keep disappearing, anyway?” Sirius asks, as he butters his scone and he looks at James, waiting for an answer. Although it’s stupid, from across the hall it’s Regulus that sweats with stress at the question, worried about what lie could be told to hide the truth, as their desires were innocent but no one in this world would be able to understand them.

Yet James looks relaxed and he leans closer to Sirius, a grin on his face, expression so honest that Regulus got anxious, wondering if he is going to simply confess hanging out with Regulus, doing all those unspeakable things with Regulus. He feels as scared as if his mother was about to learn these dirty secrets and he wonders when did Sirius become equivalent with Walburga Black. “Pads!” James laughs, his voice and posture relaxed, so different to how Regulus felt as if he was about to burst out of his skin. “I’m working on the best prank ever and it wouldn’t be as fun anymore if I spoiled it now!”

Sirius grins excited and so does Pettigrew, Lupin just grumbling something under his breath that Regulus doesn’t quite catch. Regulus looks back into his plate, afraid that in the almost empty room one of the three Gryffindors would catch his eyes and would know about the way he’d shiver under James’ touch and beg for more when they were alone together.
However, his head can’t stop spinning. A prank? Was this about Regulus? Was James just toying with him in order to pull some laughs? No, that wasn’t it, James looked so genuine when they were alone together, he looked so eager to be with Regulus, he listened to him talk and he stroked his hair, there was no way James was just toying with him.

Yet there’s a dark voice in Regulus’ mind that’s asking why wouldn’t that be possible? Was James Potter fucking him and stroking his hair and listening to him talk such undeniable proof that he felt something for Regulus too? But… it’s James. James is not cruel and toying with his feelings like this would be undeniably cruel and unforgivable. James wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t.

Yet Regulus knows that their fooling around wasn’t a promise of forever.

Needless to say, Regulus lost his appetite for that day, mind overcame with worry as he is trying to get some work done in the library later that afternoon.

He doesn’t do much once he’s finally in the library after breakfast, simply skimming through some books yet having to deal with a headache that doesn’t allow him to focus and with the deep worry over what he meant for James Potter. They never defined their relationship, they weren’t lovers, they weren’t even friends. What were they? Nothing, they were nothing, yet Regulus feels like he is James Potter’s something, not sure what, but something.

He knows that he should probably stop working and go get some rest or some rest, he doesn’t find the strength to raise anymore and he simply lays his head on the books, shaking like a leaf from this unknown ailment, hoping madam Pince would find him and help him to the infirmary before he does something stupid like throwing up on one of the books.
Deep down, he knows it’s his worry and anxiety that takes such drastic tool to his body, but he was never great at calming himself down, especially when dealing with the unknown, and James Potter was throwing him right into the unknown with his simple existence.
It isn’t madam Pince that finds him there however but the bane of his existence himself, James Potter, who was walking in the library with one of his buddies, Sirius’ kissing mate, who was awfully fond of the library it seems.

They’re laughing and talking about who knows what, Regulus’ ears are ringing, but when James’ eyes fall on Regulus his smile fades away into a worried frown and in the blur of the moment Regulus doesn’t really understand how or why, but he finds himself in James’ arms, his body pressed against James’ chest and he wants to protest, especially seeing Lupin’s green eyes watching him face, but he’s too weak to say anything so he simply accepts it.
“I’ll carry him to the infirmary; would you gather his things?”

Lupin hesitates to replay but he must be seeing something on James’ face that makes him stay quiet and start picking up Regulus’ parchment and books and putting them away in the boy’s book bag.

“I’m sorry.” Regulus mumbles and he doesn’t even know what he’s apologizing for. He breaths in and the familiar scent of James’ body is helping his muscles to soften and his mind to stop spinning and soon enough he finds himself staring back at Lupin, for some reason, and he can only remember the way he was holding Sirius’ waist so very tightly and deep down he hopes that his brother is happy.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” Lupin replies and Regulus knows he’s right so he closes his eyes and breathes in and out slowly and he can hear James talking with Lupin but he doesn’t care to hear what it’s being said, he’s more than happy to drift away in James’ arms because he knows that here no one would be able to harm him.

He can still hear them, along with a soft drumming that he only later realizes is the beating of James’ heart and he thinks that he smiles at that, he’s not too sure, but it feels so intimate to hear such a thing. That’s James’ heart and the sound he’s hearing is undeniable proof that James is alive and well and he knows it is a silly thing to be happy about when it’s Regulus that’s not feeling well and James might even not care about him, but he is happy nonetheless.

“Do you think someone attacked him? He’s whiter than my parchment.”

He recognizes the voice as being Lupin’s and he is touched for a moment as he hears the question, surprised that Lupin cares even enough to ask, as he wasn’t anyone important to him, hell, Regulus isn’t even completely certain what the boy’s first name is.

“I don’t know.” James answers and Regulus is shocked to remark that he sounds angry.
Was he angry with Regulus? Was he upset that he revealed his concern before Lupin’s knowing eyes or rather… was he upset in behalf of Regulus? Was he worried?

Regulus groans in distress because he genuinely doesn’t get it anymore, he can’t tell if he’s being toyed with or not and it’s getting to his head, clearly.

“Wasn’t.” He mumbles annoyed, as he doesn’t enjoy being looked at as if he was some victim. He did this to himself, no one attacked him, he’s not a child!

And what’s with Potter picking him up like he was some sort of damsel in distress? What a fucking dork, Lupin will suspect something for sure and then…

And then what? Sirius would kill him, for sure.

He wants to stand and walk away, he hates being looked at like this, like he’s some sort of victim worthy of pity, yet standing and walking away also means losing the warmth of James’ chest and he would rather take the shame, after all.

“OWLS.” He mumbles and James grins, as if he caught on that it was a lie, as if he was impressed with Regulus’ swift thinking, as if he could have kissed him right there, before Lupin and he wouldn’t care and frankly, neither would Regulus.

“You literary worried yourself sick.” Lupin says, perplexed and James laughs as if it was the funniest thing he heard in his life. Regulus wishes he could scream at him, he would, as it was James that brought him in this state, but he finds it rather funny too and to see James’ laugh settles the nerves in his stomach. Lupin just sighs, shaking his head, yet there’s a fond smile on his lips now too and Regulus must give it to him, it was hard not to be fond of James Potter.

“You’re an idiot.” Regulus tells him just as Lupin says “There’s nothing funny about this.” and Regulus can’t hold back and he starts giggling too, despite knowing how stupid it all was, finding the situation even funnier as he sees the surprise on Lupin’s face as he sees Regulus laughing.

The absurdity of it all hits him like a brick as they reach the infirmary and he wants to protest and say he’s fine, he doesn’t need it, but it’s too late, Lupin opened the door and James already walked the two of them inside.

“Mister Black, what have you gotten yourself into this time?” Madam Pomfrey asks as he sees them, yet when James laughs once again and Lupin finally caves and starts laughing too, clearly succumbing to the madness of the situation as well. To be fair, everything is so absurd that being mistakenly confused with his brother truly seems to be the only reasonable reaction at this point.

“We don’t see each other that often, madam.” Regulus says softly and the illusion must have been shattered as she looks at him again and a pink dust covers her cheeks when she figures out that he was not Sirius.

“Indeed, we do not.” she says and she makes way for James to puts Regulus down in a bed and when he’s transferred from the warmth of James’ embrace into the comfortable bed he whines, the sound soft but clearly audible. Pomfrey and Lupin have the decency not to comment on it, although they both clearly heard, especially Lupin, who’s eyes widened in surprise.

Potter, however, is grinning, looking rather proud of himself, and Regulus wants to punch him, but he doesn’t have quite enough strength to lift his hand right this moment.
“I’m going to examine him now, you boys can go.” She says and she turns to look at Regulus, lifting her wand and James is looking straight as him so he must see his little flinch.
“We’ll stay, if that’s alright.”

It’s Lupin that speaks up and he takes both James and Regulus by surprise but Pomfrey simply approves and goes to check on Regulus.

In the end, the verdict is rather light, weakness caused by a bad sleeping schedule and stress, too little eating, all things Regulus is well aware of and doesn’t particularly care to change. However, what he greatly cares about is the note he saw James slip into his bookbag and so when Pomfrey says he’s free to go and threatens to keep him over night if he falls into such a state again, he’s beaming with an excitement caused not by his health, rather by the promise of something together with James later. His happiness is caused always by James.

He takes all the potions she feeds him like a good boy which is rather ironic considering how much of a fuss he always made at home when his own mama tried to feed him medicine, cheeks red and wet with tears as the medicine tasted so bad; Sirius always had a tendency of joking that he was to be careful of strange potions as he might get poisoned one day.
Growing up, he realized that it was a silly thought, that he’d be poisoned by his own mother. Growing up even more, he realized it was actually a valid concern.

Once his legs steady and his vision clears up, he’s more than happy to run away from there, followed closely by Potter and Lupin, who’re chattering about Potions homework and just to hear that nonsense is so comforting that he almost can sympathize with Sirius for running away.

“Thank you for helping me.” Regulus turns to them, as their paths are about to part, head bowed down humbly, coldness feigned but appreciation genuine, as he didn’t expect anything from them, especially not for James to just jump to his help like that, with Lupin by his side. He never expected anything and maybe that’s why James keeps impressing him again and again.

“Take care. I know prefect duty and OWLS are a lot, but don’t overdo it.” Lupin says kindly and Regulus bites down a smile, keeping the happiness in his heart a secret from them, yet feeling overjoyed to know Sirius found someone proper to look after him. Maybe one day he will hear about it formally from Sirius.

“Thank you, Lupin. Oh, I’d appreciate it if this didn’t get back to Sirius.” He says and Lupin nods, agreeing to it easily, and Regulus feels like they both know that ‘this’ meant his seemingly random attachment to James, because he is certain Lupin noticed something was there, and not necessarily his feeling unwell.

“Check your bookbag so you make sure everything is in there.” James says, rather casually, and Regulus can’t help but smile and Lupin looks away although the Slytherin is certain he saw him rolling his eyes. “And take care.” He adds, this time softer.

They walk away first and Regulus follows them going. There’s bickering and laughter and Regulus can hear James whining “Moony!” and Lupin teasing back “No, is fine, you keep much bigger secrets for me, after all.”

It’s rather soothing. Regulus never wanted to be friends with many people, but he thinks it wouldn’t be so bad to be part of James’ group, even if Sirius was part of it.

Walking into his bedroom, he empties his bookbag on his bed and everything is there, exactly as he expected, and a little more. He eagerly opens the note, he doesn’t even want to pretend he’s not excited, there’s no one there to see him anyway, and in the intimacy of his loneliness he can allow himself to be happy over James; at least in the few days of break they have left, before the old routine settles back in.

‘You should take a bath in the Prefect’s bathroom, I hear it’s very relaxing’ the note says and Regulus giggles like a child, having no idea how James will get in the Prefect’s bathroom, but knowing for sure that he will.

He is just about to giggle at the lack of any time reference but he can see a 7 scratched in the corner of the paper and he rolls his eyes at the messy thought process James must have, yet he very carefully slips the piece of paper in one of his notebooks before he curls in his bed, allowing his tired body to rest before even more excitement caused by James Potter.

“Sirius asked me what I am doing during the time that I’m away and I panicked.” James starts, as his hands wrap around Regulus, holding him close, making him hum in acknowledgement.

“You panicked?” Regulus then asks, mockingly, laughing as he lays his head on James’ chest and he looks up at him between dense, black eyelashes, the soft, amused expression on his face never to be seen by anyone other than James.

“I did!” James protests, yet he looks so fucking fond of Regulus when he sees him smiling innocently like this. “I said I’m planning a prank! And now, on top of everything, I have to start thinking about a prank!” He’s whining and Regulus is tempted to make fun of him for being this childish, yet he’s too enamoured with James to find it the will to poke fun.

If it was just a pretext… it meant that James truly enjoyed his time together with Regulus and he wanted to keep it private just as much as Regulus did. It’s absurd how much happiness he can feel because of this boy and he wonders if Euphemia Potter captured sunlight and dipped her son into it when he was born.

The water is warm around them and Regulus’s body developed some sort of Pavlovian reaction to having James naked because there’s heat boiling in his tummy and he wants to ride James until it passes or he’s too exhausted to keep it up, but there’s also the comforting quality of this moment, making his shoulders soften and his eyelids heavy with sleep, despite doing nothing but sleeping and dreaming of James all day long.

“I’ll help you think of a prank.” Regulus offers, smiling with endearment at the other boy, as he can see James’ surprised face, his soft eyes.

James’ eyes reminded Regulus of the eyes of a doe, soft and so innocent. In many ways, James Potter was an innocent boy, happy in his little world, enjoying his school years with his friends, spoiled by his parents, well liked by his professors and fanned over by girls. Regulus was making his own life hard by falling for him, he knows that too well, but he can’t help himself, not when James’ gentleness was so easy to fall into.

James laughs, surprised clearly, stroking Regulus’ cheek. “Want to think of a prank with me? For real?”

He looks so happy about it, so much so that Regulus wanted to take a photograph of him so he could freeze this beautiful moment in time forever.

“I just said so, didn’t I?” Regulus laughs and James laughs with him, making the moment truly perfect. Regulus wishes he could experience this sort of bliss forevermore and he wondered if this is what a healthy relationship should feel like. He wishes he could talk about this all with Pandora, but he doesn’t want to break James’ trust so he doesn’t tell a soul about it, not even the cats mindlessly walking around the castle or the ducks on the lake.

“Who would have thought you could be a prankster?” James teases. “Such a wild boy, does your mama know what you do around this castle?”

He’s still smiling, so brightly as he looks down at Regulus and Regulus laughs again, feeling like an idiot because he can’t seem to stop giggling stupidly around this boy but what does it matter, anyway? James looks at him as if he put the moon on the sky, no matter what. He feels free to act as silly as his heart desires.

“You wouldn’t know what it hit you if I went against you.” Regulus says proudly and James squeezes his middle tighter, opening his mouth to say something, probably in protest, yet Regulus doesn’t want to give him the chance so he talks over him, a sly smirk on his face. “After all, it takes quite a long time for one to learn the counter spell for tying shoe laces, doesn’t it?”

James frowns confused for a few moments, but then he realizes what Regulus meant and the surprise on his face is simply priceless. A couple of years ago, James and Sirius were cursed by some mysterious foe to have their shoe laces knot together whenever they’d sit down, causing them to lose balance and fall flat on their faces whenever they’d forget to unknot and retie them before standing up. It was a mostly harmless prank and after a week of being unable to find a counter curse Sirius and James resorted to simply walking around barefoot. It took another week for them to start wearing shoes again, as the curse was particularly strong for some reason, but then the prank was promptly forgotten by the two as other battles were to be fought and other pranks were to be planned.

James keeps opening and closing his mouth and Regulus wants to tease him and call him a gaping fish for how silly he looks but before he can do that James kisses him, soft lips on top of Regulus’ chapped ones and Regulus forgets to make fun of James for being turned on by a prank out of all things and allows James to slide two fingers inside him, moaning into the kiss body always so willing for James.

“You’re perfect.” James whispers as he’s deep inside Regulus and they both moan in tandem, foreheads pressed together and the water muffling the sound of skin meeting skin, James’ hands hold Regulus in place and his mouth nibbles Regulus’ shoulders, shivers of pleasure wiping away any teasing remark or worry from Regulus’ mind. Once again, he only knows James, James, nothing else but James.

To think that he was scared he was going to be the subject of a prank only to end up being the prankster together with James, it makes him understand that sometimes life was truly beautiful.

They walk out of the prefect bathroom sometime later on wobbly legs and with pink cheeks with the promise between them to discuss prank ideas the following evening and Regulus truly feels like he is part of James’ world.

James is truly a shameless being so Regulus wakes up with him already in his room the next morning, despite them having plans for the evening. When asked what he was doing there, he simply shrugged and said “Pete is studying and Remus and Sirius were busy so I wanted to be entertained.”

Regulus is ready to tell him to fuck off, that he’s not there just for James’ entertainment but his words die on his lips as he notices James carries a book with him, and he doesn’t need to ask what book it is, because he sees the title and he already knows.

“How did you get that?” He asks, and if it sounds like an accusation, it’s because it is one.
James just smirks and lifts the blanket to get under it, next to Regulus, who wraps his arms around James’ shoulders and squeezes him close, despite his frown.

“I have my ways.” James says, smirking proudly, and he must expect Regulus to complain some more but he certainly doesn’t expect to be kissed and Regulus is very happy to see his surprised face.

“Okay.” Regulus agrees. It doesn’t even matter at this point.

He would never complain at having James Potter in his pyjamas and with Regulus’ favourite book in his hand be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. He won’t even complain about the quill James has in his hand. If James dirties his sheets of ink, that’s okay.

Regulus cuddles against James and when he feels himself drifting off, he doesn’t fight it, feeling James body against his, having their legs tangled together, hearing the soft scratching of James’ writing on the pages of the book.

It’s afternoon by the time he wakes up again and his first impulse is to think that he dreamed of James, but when he feels the warmth of the other’s body, he realizes with joy that he did not. James was and still is there.

He hums, comfortable and lazy, feeling like a cat laying in a beam of sunlight, whining when he feels James poking his stomach with his finger, too sleepy still to open his eyes.
“I’m boooooored~” James whines into his ear and Regulus whines too, taking the opportunity to get on top of James, enjoying his warmth, but still refusing to open his eyes and properly wake up.

“Poor baby.” Regulus mutters unimpressed and James’ laughter is so loud that he gives in and opens his eyes, only to be able to glare at him.

They really don’t do much that afternoon, as James stays quiet and reads his book, a sight that makes Regulus wish desperately that he had a camera so he could photograph him. Once they get hungry, Regulus leaves him alone for a bit, going to get some food from the kitchens and then check out some books from the library in which he is hoping to find some answers regarding what the present from his father was.

They eat in comfortable silence and James laughs at the amount of food the house elves send over, only for Regulus to grin and proclaim that he was very well liked among them.
James just smiles, mysterious.

“What is that, anyway?” James asks as he takes the spheric object from Regulus’ hand, making the Slytherin roll his eyes.

“If I knew, do you think I would be searching through five different books?” comes the reply, and the novel is forgotten open face down on the bed, as James get involved in the research too.

As they flip the pages and compare entries, Regulus learns that James is rather sharp, despite his usually childish behaviour. The sphere looks a lot like a Remembrall but they’re both certain it isn’t one, especially since it seems to be filled with some sort of golden liquid inside of it.

“I wonder if it isn’t anything and your dad just hates you.” James says after hours of research, munching on a piece of cheese.

“I’m not Sirius.” Regulus replies without taking his eyes away from the book.

It isn’t until Regulus gets tired of reading too and lays on the floor exhausted and bored, playing with the sphere in his hands, that he figures it out. Of course, when he actively tries he gets nothing, but when he is decided to give up for the day, spinning the sphere in his hands, watching it distracted, that is when it reveals its secrets.

“I wish I knew what you were.” He mumbles and the sphere gives a weak glow.
He frowns for a moment, then he puts two and two together and he gets up in a sitting position so fast that he gets dizzy.

“Oy, Potter, tell me something that you want.” He demands, and James replies that he wants to win the Quidditch cup, to which the sphere glows, brighter than before, and Regulus gives him the middle finger.

In the sound of James’ laughter, Regulus figures out that the sphere is designed to reveal people’s desires. It’s both fascinating and humiliating that his father considers that his son needs such a tool to get people’s appreciation, but he does not comment to it; anyway, James seems so fascinated by the magical trinket that Regulus finds the thing tolerable.
One mystery crossed off their list, they try to figure out a prank idea that would be both funny and impossible to trace back to the two of them. It’s hard to settle on something, however, as Regulus finds many of James’ ideas to be childish and James accused Regulus of being dull, causing them both to sulk, until James pulls Regulus into a hug and they make up by making out, James’ hand under Regulus’ shirt and Regulus’ hands in James’ trousers.
They decide that this was a better use of their time than bickering and they settle back into bed shortly, only for Regulus to sulk again when James lets him know that he must go back to his dorm room for the night.

“I wish you’d stay.” Regulus whispers and he hates the vulnerability in his voice almost as much as he hates the look of pity in James’ eyes.

Later that night, when James left back to his dorm, Regulus whispers that he desires James Potter and the sphere lights brighter than the chandelier above his head, forcing him to close his eyes. James’ book was left on Regulus’ bed, a gift, certainly, as Regulus can see that James wrote notes in the entirety of it, meaning that the book was done. Putting the sphere away, Regulus goes over the book, writing his own notes alongside James’.

Despite his believe that their thing would be over at the same time as the winter holiday, it turns out that his belief was wrong. Sure, they don’t see each other as much as they used to and their encounters are rushed and often limited to kissing and getting each other off, but they still find the time to talk and laugh and joke together so it is fine, they are happy to be together above it all.

Regulus never imagined that his first proper experience with being happy would be because of James Potter and he makes sure to always kiss James in appreciation whenever he has the opportunity.

James is very attentive too. Regulus often times finds stuff like chocolate and Dreamless Sleep potions; Regulus has to remind himself that these things are not all that important and that James is not truly his, especially now that Lily Evans seems to linger around him like never in the past and Regulus knows… He knows as all the others that James wanted this girl since forever.

Yet James starts to talk about her as a friend at some point, mentioning teaming up with her for their Potions class activities and it pissing off Severus Snape, and there’s no tribulation in his voice, so Regulus realizes that it would be foolish not to have faith in the only person that ever truly proved to him that he was worthy of it; trusting James comes to him as easy as breathing and soon enough the Lily Evans worried are pushed aside.

He imagined he’d be more jealous or possessive over James and he did once cursed a girl that was shamelessly flirting with James to fall down the stairs – resulting in a lecture from James that following evening; but when James told him that there’s nothing to worry about he believed it with ease because, he realizes, heart pounding in his chest with happiness, James never lied to him.

He could have pretended he was now an entirely new person, if only it wasn’t for the following aspiring Death Eaters in the school.

Things took a tool as soon as spring came, with more and more rumours about who the Dark Lord will recruit next and more and more people pushing him into circles of pure-blooded wizards that had a genuine interest to the cause and desired nothing more than to wipe away all the impure and dirty blood from their society.

As talk about blood grew louder, fights between James and his friends and his fellow Slytherins were occurring more and more often and they got so violent to the point that Regulus had to patch up both James and Barty in the same day. It was causing great internal turmoil to him that he decided to simply not address.

He confirms his mother that he will come home for the spring break and although he dreads it, he’s also excited to meet the Dark Lord, as Lucius and Bellatrix told him he would over their letters. Bellatrix was somehow more tolerable when she was talking about him, which Regulus couldn’t tell if it was a good or a bad thing.

He wishes he could talk to James about his worries but he doesn’t bring it up, knowing so well that James would get angry with him. James is wrong when it comes to the Dark Lord, but Regulus has no idea how to change his vision. The Dark Lord was an important person in the old families’ attempt to keep their traditions and their lineage and James, as the only child of a dying pure blood line, should realize what an important mission this was.

A new reason for him to be both worried and excited is Bellatrix telling him that she talked to the Dark Lord and sang his praises, resulting in the Dark Lord taking an interest in Regulus, to the point that if their meeting in the break would go well, Regulus could take the mark as soon as this summer, as the Dark Lord considered he’d be fit for the task at sixteen, an honour not many people would get.

Their prank somehow ends up lasting for weeks until Dumbledore manages to convince the house elves to drop the spell, which is even funnier than the prank itself, as no one understood why or how this rhyming charm took over the castle’s staff, but Regulus began to worry that his OWLS will be written in rhymes too, as all his notes were now.

As the weather got warmer, the nerves for OWLS got bigger, and soon enough he needed more and more moments of cooldown with James to be able to unclench his muscles. The Quidditch games and the training was also taking a big chunk of his time, as Gryffindor and Slytherin were the two houses most likely to play the finale, certain results were to be revealed after the Ravenclaw-Gryffindor game the following week, hence why James himself was buzzing with stress and excitement, causing Regulus to feel the pressure of the following games as well.

His life, once dull and uneventful, was now full of activity, and he can’t pinpoint when it all went snowballing into the busy schedule that he led now, from his passing in the fifth year, to his association with James Potter, to his future allegiance to the Dark Lord, but Regulus was happy with who he was for the first time in forever, despite the contradictory directions his heart was pulling him to.

What he couldn’t talk about with James, he talked with Barty, who shared his excitement to join the Dark Lord, maybe had even more excitement for it, ready to follow their new master into whatever mission, almost blindly. Regulus wasn’t particularly fond of that attitude, but he didn’t comment on it, although on the back of his head he couldn’t help but notice the way Barty reminded him of Bellatrix in all the bad ways.

He did notice the way James’ eyes lingered on him whenever he was with Corban Yaxley or Severus Snape, but they never talked about it. They never talked about a lot of things, as Regulus was aware, thanks to Sirius, that James was going to join the resistance group Dumbledore created. They decide not to talk about the way they are going to be enemies in the battlefield, muffling their worries with kisses and love making.

As the spring break rolls around, Regulus is certain his head is going to explode, to the point that he can’t remember how it was like before having to worry about his grades even in his sleep. As he gets home, everyone from his father, mother and Kreacher comment on his pale and skinny self, yet he wonders how much of his allure is truly from being exhausted and how much is it because of being home, in this big and cold house without Sirius.

Dinner is an awkward affair and the house feels bigger and lonelier without Sirius in it, just as it did over the summer, and Regulus hoped he would shake off this longing for a brother that can’t even look at him anymore but he can’t. Now more than ever, he wants to go straight to him and scream. He left Regulus here yet he had the nerve to look at him with such venom and hatred.

‘You left me behind!’ he wants to scream.

Sirius did, he took his shit and went away to a new home and Regulus was left with nothing but what his parents thought was right and after all, Sirius did him a favor because he wasn’t torn anymore between mom and dad and Sirius, he doesn’t have reasons to doubt their reasoning and logic anymore.

Sirius must have been wrong because there was nothing right in turning away from the person that loved him the most.

But his tongue can’t rise against Sirius despite all the pain and anguish and he stays quiet through the tension of supper because really, what is there to say other than nothing?
But nothing wasn’t enough for Walburga Black.

“Well then? Tell me, what is the blood traitor doing?” his mother finally asks, venom dripping from her lips as she doesn’t even mention Sirius’ name anymore, as if it was a dirty word. Regulus understands, he does. It is all about reputation, they don’t miss Sirius as a human being, as an individual that left a gaping hole in their lives, no, he was simply a burned face in the tapestry and that hurt Regulus deeply, more than he cares to admit. It is in moments like this when Regulus wants to scream at her too, red with anger and bruised with regrets. ‘Leave him alone’, he wants to yell. ‘You’re the reason why he left me!’ he wants to blame her because truly, she was to blame yet Regulus can’t help but feel like deep down, it was him that was too unlovable for Sirius to stay and suddenly his mind decides to supply further proof of this as the image of James hunched together with Lily Evans invades his mind.

He pulls his chair back in one swift move and before he can stand and run he’s throwing up the little that he forced himself to swallow down and he can hear his father yell at his mother “Look what you did!” harshly and he normally hates it when his father uses that tone but this time he feels like it’s appropriate, as it was his mother’s indiscretion that caused his distress.

Promptly, Kreacher is summoned to clean after Regulus and he is excused so he goes up to his room with the promise of sending Kreacher up in a moment with some medicine (he never had any problems with taking medicine from him).

He is shaking as he walks up the stairs and he lingers in front of Sirius’ room for a few moments before walking inside his own and almost slamming the door, although Sirius isn’t there to hear it, so what even is the point.

He knows he should lay on the bed but his eyes fall on a photograph, a precious moment immortalized into eternity by Andromeda back when he was nothing but a toddler and Sirius was just the same, just slightly older. Regulus was chasing a cat, that’s what his mother said when asked, and Sirius was chasing after him as he was just scratched by the said cat and he was worried that Regulus would get hurt too.

He framed it and put it on the wall and he grew up tracing the scratches in the photograph into Sirius’ arms but they were gone, obviously, healed and faded away with time just as his concern for Regulus.

In an unprecedented fit of rage, he grabs the photograph and smashes it against the same wall it was just hanging on and as shattered glass falls around, he can’t bring himself to care about the bits catching into his skin, as he slides on the floor and cries, miserable and missing his older brother, for the first time since he was abandoned.

Kreacher finds him sooner than later and vanishes the glass, cleans Regulus’ wounds as he mutters under his breath about how ‘master Regulus is never careful and that’s why he’s being hurt by sharp things’ and Regulus isn’t too certain if this is about the glass or about Sirius’ betrayal but nonetheless his heart is lighter after this little scolding.

He drinks the potions and settles into bed and Kreacher even offers to read him a bedtime story which Regulus gently declines, not because he’d consider himself too old, rather because he knows that they will inevitably remind him of James and he doesn’t need that right now.

As he dozes off into a dreamless sleep, his mother walks in the room and sits on his bed. He thinks it is the most bizarre thing, guessing he’s probably dreaming, yet when she presses her hand against his forehead, he can feel her cold fingers against his skin.

“I don’t want you to be sick.” She says and Regulus can feel a knot in his throat as this is the most affection he got since he was a boy and she still had it in her to love them.

Things don’t last, and it’s heartbreaking to think how much heavier such a small gesture from his mother is, in spite of James, in spite of Sirius.

Sirius is right in hating him, he understands it now. It took James one look to his Dark Mark to pull away, and to think that he made James cry, after all the times he cried for him, feels like the most painful thing of them all.

It’s only after he joins the Dark Lord that he finally understands Sirius. Regulus is the one that messed it all up. He wanted in and now he had no way of getting out, no matter how much he wants it, no matter how much he regrets it. The Dark Lord does not tolerate traitors and his death would only break his mother’s heart and he can’t stand the thought, despite all that she put them through, he doesn’t want to see her even more broken than she already was.

He will do his best to be a good and loyal follower and to show the Dark Lord that his talents lie elsewhere, not in killing or torturing people, that’s truly all he has left as he knows he cannot do it, he tried and failed. However, there’s a certain satisfaction deep inside himself. He doesn’t see his inability to kill another as a sign of weakness, rather as a symbol that he is very different from Bellatrix.

He doesn’t want to be like Sirius anymore, but he doesn’t want to be like her, either. It’s time for Regulus Black to find his own path and personality and to stop doing things just to please others. He feels like he is a much more different person now than he was before he learned that he can love someone the way he loved… loves James Potter.

Maybe one day he will manage to get away from the Dark Lord, too. It is far too late to learn that you don’t want to be a follower months after swearing your loyalties to a madman. One day, he will find a way to slither away and gain James’ forgiveness, as he trusts his cunning mind and he trusts his skilled tongue to keep him alive long enough to survive it all.
Everything is not fine and deep down he wants to crawl before Sirius and beg for his forgiveness, but he is painfully aware that it won’t do him any good. After all, Sirius abandoned Regulus and Regulus betrayed all of his older brother’s convictions, so they were somehow even. It was only right that Sirius gained Heaven by having Regulus condemned to Hell.

Understanding love now, Regulus thinks that it is unjust to be as unloved as he was, especially since all his life he dedicated to being a good son, a good brother, a good friend. He tried to be good for James, too and he knows that the look in his eyes when they were alone together was happiness. He will cling to that until the end of his days.

He doesn’t want to act as a martyr, he’s far from being one, but he knows he didn’t do anything to bring this upon himself. If only he would have learned how to take control of his destiny sooner rather than later, he wouldn’t suffer like this now. The pain of losing James was something he simply couldn’t deal with and he’d rather remember the loving looks than allowing the echo of the pain he caused to burn his entire being away.

However, he is well aware that there won’t be a second chance. James moved on and Regulus agrees that he should do just that, not allow his pain to torture him, the way Regulus did. He wishes he could hate her for taking his place but he can’t, because she was beautiful and kind and exactly the type of person James deserved.

The realization that they will most likely be targets once they get out of school because of her blood is something that fuels the hatred Regulus feels against Bellatrix, against Lucius Malfoy, even against the Dark Lord, who was incredibly stupid for someone as smart as he was. Regulus will use that stupidity to his advantage as much as he will possibly can. Until he can make things right, he swears to protect James even if it brings him his death.

No matter how dignified he wants to be, the pain of his loss keeps him up at night and nothing will ever make it better. Pandora seems to know it too, that he’s heartbroken, so she holds back from giving him romance books anymore, although she now discovered philosophy so, of course, Regulus is discovering it with her. Despite it all, she doesn’t treat him different because ‘she is certain that he will make the right choice,’ so they behave like they always did. Regulus finds great joy in being with her, holding her against his chest when she was sad and dancing with her when she was happy, and when he thinks that she would make a delightful wife although she’s nothing more than a beloved friend, he understands that he could never love a woman (or another man) the way he does James.

It hurts, it all hurts, but he deserves it.

As he feels the Dark Mark burning on his wrist, Regulus can see James walking hand in hand with Lily Evans by the Black Lake.

“What are you reading?” Hermione asks as she walks downstairs, a pillow in her hand as she made the makeshift bed in the salon.

“Nothing, it’s just a book.” Harry says, immersed in his reading.

“What book is it?” She asks, her voice betraying that she doesn’t trust him with random books anymore after the debacle from the previous year.

“It’s just Pride and Prejudice, relax Hermione”, Harry laughs, as he closes the book to show her the cover.

“Oh. That’s fine then. It’s a good book.” She says, surprised. “I didn’t know it’d be your type.”

“Yeah.” Harry replies, amused. “Neither did I.”