Chapter 15
WEIRDOS GROUP CHAT
07:21
{pandora}: heyyy
{mary}: heyyy x
{lily}: mornin x
{regulus}: yo
{regulus}: u alr
{pandora}: yeahhh
{pandora}: going down to get some pancakes from Trilly
{mary}: omg can we come too please???
{pandora}: of course!
{pandora}: the more the merrier
{barty}: me?
{pandora}: no go fuck urself
{lily}: we'll be down in a few mins x
{pandora}: see u soon dears x
{remus}: morning reg
{regulus}: omg morning rem
{remus}: walk?
{regulus}: what is this a family reunion?
{regulus}: but absolutely yes
{evan}: reg u dont have family reunions
{regulus}: shove off x
{marlene}: I lowkey hate that the reg and rem are friends
{barty}: I agree remus fr stole my bf
{sirius}: and reg stole mine
{lily}: get over it
{peter}: oh pls
{peter}: remus and reg literally started speaking yesterday and theyre already inseparable wtf
{sirius}: u cant complain
{sirius}: thats fr u and dora
{peter}: so not true
{peter}: but morning pan
{pandora}: morning pete
{pandora}: wyddd
{peter}: with sirius
{peter}: apparently I have to comfort my 'dad' bc my stepdad left with her 'traitorous little brother' whos boyfriend is already 'stealing mum'
{peter}: so we're watching victorious cuddled up
{regulus}: what the actual fuck
{barty}: how many drugs is sirius on?
{peter}: less than remus more than James
{mary}: I always did wonder what went on behind closed doors
{mary}: wait when did sirius and James have a love affair
{mary}: when did James pop u out?
{mary}: when did James and sirius and remus marry
{mary}: i have many questions pls answer
{sirius}: well we had our giant love affair on the train to hogwarts
{sirius}: james popped one out when we got there
{sirius}: thats how Pete came onto this world u see
{sirius}: 9 long hours of James being pregnant and labour and Pete was born
{sirius}: then me remus and James married at the sorting ceremony
{sirius}: and have been married since
{marlene}: did u get dropped on ur head as a baby?
{sirius}: the fact u think I was held
{lily}: sirius pls
{sirius}: ugh
{peter}: dont worry abt it dad
{sirius}: love u son
JAMES AND BARTY CHAT
07:58
morning boyfriend
morning boyfriend
how are u today??
gooood
got jumped on by Pete, remus and sirius tho
ah id check weirdos gc if u want an explanation
what the fuck
yh pretty much
ejkfd
anyways how u doinggg
good good
missss u
missss u too
come round soon?
yeah course
just w moons, Pete and pads rn as family bonding
my childs all grown up and it still feels like yesterday he was eleven
oh my god.
parenting truly is a joy but I do miss him being littel sometimes
was a lot sweeter before they decided he wanted to fuck random people every other night
EVERY OTHER NIGHT
dont judge they're a very attractive young person
and if he wants to fuck randoms and some of they're usuals who can blame him
u have a very weird relationship w them
cool*
keep telling urself that babe
hope Pete fucks someone other than Gilderoy soon x
AHA
told them that and he said theyre going to target u in the next marauders prank
wowwwwww
so mature
I agree x
sarcasm sweetheart
I know I purposefully skipped over it x
but fanks for clarifying regardless
its ayt
what u watching
despicable me
TRAITOR
MARY AND LILY
08:02
{lily}: okay come on plans plans plans
{lily}: how do we get pandora
{mary}: idk if its necessary
{mary}: I MEAN THEY CALLED US DEAR TODAY
{mary}: AND USED AN X SAYING MORNING
{lily}: AHHHH
{lily}: I FREAKED IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE
{mary}: AND THEY'RE SO HOT AND INTERESTED AND INTERESTING AND THEY CALL US A DEAR AND LOVE AND USED XS LILY
{lily}: EXACTLYYYY
{lily}: AND THEY'RE JUST EVERYTHING>>>
{lily}: I BET THEY LOVEEE ALICE IN WONDERLAND
{mary}: OH DEFOOO
{mary}: THEY SEEM SO MUCH LIKE ALICE
{mary}: NOT ALICE ALICE BUT YKNOW
{lily}: FRRRRRRR
{lily}: I GOT U DW
{mary}: I THINK DORCAS KNOWS THO
{lily}: AND MAR AND JAMES AND REMUS
{mary}: THATS LESS PEOPLE THAN I THOUGHT TBF
{lily}: such faith babe x
{mary}: of course x
JAMES, REG, EVAN AND BARTY CHAT
09:01
what is this?
^^
a group chat dipshit
why?
why not
right
hi reg n evs :)
hey :)
hello james
no smiley face?
yeah why no smiley face?
yeah thats rlly rude reg
.....
:(
:(
:(
:)
ok well that js seems rude
but im going to ignore it
and say we won
:)
of course
anyways
barty why did u make this?
cos we're gonna like be together half the time why not
but
if we're together half the time theres no need?
and babe we all already speak regardless?
u admitted it !
omfg
okay but then we all speak here?
whats the problem
nothing love we js think ur a bit dim sometimes
its alr tho we like u anyway
wowwwww
rude
well
its true?
WHAT
yeah I officially like u potter well done
EVAN AND REG CHAT
09:03
;)
"I officially like u potter"
I think we all knew that before mate x
go fuck urself x
JAMES, REG, EVAN AND BARTY CHAT
09:05
fanksss
im glad im finally liked by the lord black
HOW DO U KNOW ABT THAT
BARTY?
it wasnt me I swear
EVAN?
nah wish it was tho
WEIRDOS GROUP CHAT
09:07
{regulus}: WHO TOLD JAMES ABT MY TITLE
{lily}: what title?
{marlene}: ^^
{dorcas}: OH MY GOD HE KNOWS ABT THAT
{james}: yes yes I do
{mary}: WHAT FUCKING "TITLE"
{peter}: ^^
{evan}; ull mst likely find out later
{marlene}: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT
{evan}: a good one.
{pandora}: oh my god
{pandora}: I cannot believe he knows abt that wtf
{remus}: ??
{sirius}: oops.
{regulus}: OH MY FUCKING GOD
{regulus}: HOW
{regulus}: HOW DID THAT EVEN COME UP
{sirius}: OK IT JUST SLIPPED OUT
{regulus}: I HATE U SM
{sirius}: YEHYEH WHTVS
{sirius}: HE WAS BOUND TO FIND OUT REGARDLESS ITS NOT LIKE ITS A SECRET
{regulus}: IM NOT EVEN GOING TO HAVE THAT TITLE AFTER CHRISTMAS
{sirius}: U STILL HAVE IT NOW
{regulus}: OH MY GOD
{mary}: sm1 explain pls
{regulus}: dont u dare.
{sirius}: regulus is a lord
{mary}: EXCUSE ME
{remus}: WHAT THE FUCK
{remus}: I SMOKE WEED W A LORD?!?!?!
{marlene}: EXCUSE ME WTAF
{regulus}: SIRIUS WHY
{sirius}: :)
{lily}: I-
{peter}: WHAT
{marlene}: REGULUS IS A FUCKING LORD
{regulus}: 😐
A jumper was thrown at his head. A literal jumper. At his gorgeous face. And with quite a force too for a clothing item thrown across the room. He slung the jumper over his arm and looked at Evan and Barty for the first time since entering the room (courtesy of the jumper they seemingly threw on accident). The two were frozen in place, Barty only in his jeans (baggy and grey ones which looked unfairly good on him) and white socks on with his boxers peeking out the top of the jeans waistline. Evan wasfdully dressed but everything was at least a little out of place and he had a million different clothing options on his arms. It was quite funny to see he has to say.
"We didn't expect you so soon." Evan said suddenly, still looking quite startled.
"I can see that." James couldn't contain his smirk even if he wanted to. "Trynna impress me, grumpy?"
Barty stared at him and James stared back, raising an eyebrow. The two had a bit of a staring contest for a while before Barty walked over and kissed him on the cheek. "Sorry about the jumper. Now please help me figure out what to wear."
SLYTHERIN SKITTLES
09:41
{barty}: HELP ME?!
{pandora}: what? arent u meant to be on a date
{baty}: yes
{evan}: james showed up early a jumper got thrown at him by accident yadayada
{pandora}: .....ok
{pandora}: right whats ur problem exactly
{barty}: THIS FUCKING MAN IS BOTH ABSOLUTE SHITE AT HELPING ME PICK OUT SOMETHING TO WEAR AND ALSO ANNOYINGLY GOOD AT IT
{barty}: HE SAW EVERY OUTFIT JUST ANSWERINT THAT I LOOKED "FUCKING FANTASTIC" "MOUTH DROOLINGLY HOT" AND "TOO FINE TO BE ALIVE" AND THEN WHEN I WAS FINALLY DOEN WITH WHAT COULD BE DESCIRBED AS A FUCKING FASHION SHOW HE JUST PICKED OUT? CLOTHES AND ACCESSORIES? THAT MADE SUCH A GOODFIT PANDORA IT DOESNT MKAE SENSE WHAT IS HE?!
{dorcas}: Jesus fucking christ save me
{pandora}: barty I really dont know what u want me to say
{pandora}: hes basically just this ball of mysterious light what did u expect
{regulus}: ^^ hes practically the fucking sun honestly the fact that ur still surprised st the things he does makes me question ur already non existent smartness
{barty}: OKAY OUCH???
{pandora}: wait !!
{pandora}: fit check pls
{barty}: *attached image*
{regulus}: HOLY FUCK
{regulus}: TOO FINE TO BE ALIVE IS CERTAINLYAN ACCURTE EXPLANATION
{dorcas}: simp.
{regulus}; gfy x
{evan}: HOLY LORD ABOVE HOW HOW HOW
{evan}: FUCK ME
{evan}: JAMES SURE KNOWS HOW TO TURN AN UGLY FACE PRETTY XOXO /j
{barty}: UNCALLED FOR
{pandora}: wow
{pandora}: not tp be straight but barty you look GOOD
{barty}: fanks pan x
{dorcas}: arent u meant to be on a date?
{barty}: ohhh yeah okay byeee
"Okay where are we going exactly?" Barty said, hurrying to keep up. James and his stupid quidditch abilities and long ass legs.
"Suprise. Come on hurry up, junior." James said looking at him with a grin.
"It's not my fault you're basically a tree."
"I am literally a couple inches taller than you, shut the fuck up. Moony's the tree." James linked their arms together, for some uknown reason and went down the small hill towards the field.
"Yeah that's fair. Evs and Cassie are second place though."
"They are pretty tall. Bet they tease you for being short endlessly."
"Of course they do, the fuckers."
"Well you are quite short."
"Oi! Stop being mean to me."
James laughed with his head turned up before trying to compose himself. "It's just so easy."
"Okay you need to zip it."
EVAN AND REGULUS CHAT
10:10
FUCK
what?
what did u do this time
....
locked dora, Mary and lily in a broom closet?
WHAT
EVAN?!
WHAT
its taking too longgggg
i
what the fuck
any accomplices?
....
no
right
yk what idc
LET THEM OUT !!
no??
why did u even tell me then
I DONT KNOW
right im fucking letting them out then
u dk where I am???
left ur location on
oh
yeah
DONT DO IT AGAIN
James, of course, took Barty to the place where they'd first met, the lake shimmering under the suns early morning rays hitting it just right. Barty went to turn towards the direction of the tree they sat at last time which was not at all how James had planned this.
He caught his elbow and grinned, moving his head to the direction of the lake. Barty's eyebrows immediately shot up. "No. No. There is no fucking way I am getting in what is, most likely, a freezing cold lake in the middle of fucking December in a forbidden forest. Do you even hear the word forbidden? Is that even a part of your vocabulary? That is dangerous, Jay!"
"Stop being dramatic, it is absolutely fine. I thought you were meant to be a troublemaker! Where did that rebellious spirit go, grumpy?" James said, still smiling ear to ear, as he shoved off his shirt and trousers. Of course this was the one thing Barty would object to and it was probably theleast dangerous thing he could do in Hogwarts.
"This has nothing to do with being rebellious this is just plain stupid-"
"You do things that are just plain stupid everyday!"
Barty glared at him and continued on, "And this could be very detrimental to my health, James!"
"When did you learn the word detrimental for starters and second of all could: key word. You're going to be fine, quit whining and get in. You sound more like Regulus than you."
Before Barty could even open his mouth, James had canonballed into the water like it was his own personal pool. He swam up and splashed him from the edge, smirking as he did so. If nothing else would work, spite and competition would. Barty is a slytherin afterall.
"I know your aim, Potter, but, admittedly, it's working. You get a 5 second head start."
"I won't need it, love."
Barty dived in, his clothes, phone, baccy, weed, grinder, rizla and lighter lying on the floor, and swam as quick as he could towards James, causing him to shriek and swim very quickly in the other direction.
"Won't need the five second head start bullshit, James! Swim, swim as fast as you can."
James turned his head round quickly and yelled, "But you can't catch me cos I'm a gingerbread man!"
The two laughed as they swam and Barty did eventually catch James, even though James definitely went easy on him (which Barty would firmly object to), and the two ended up staying in the lake very peacefully for quite some time.
MAURADERS AND CO CHAT
12:56
{james}: best. date. ever.
{sirius}: WHAT HAPPENED TELL ME EVERYTHING
{james}: SIRIUS I LOVE YOU SMM
{sirius}: I LOVE YOU TOO BESTIE NOW SPILL
{james}: well im still with him
{james}: but u know that lake spot in the clearance?
{sirius}: OH JAMES THATS SUCH A GOOD SPOT
{marlene}: what spot??
{peter}: marls ily but ur not a marauder so ud have no clue
{marlene}: ok babes x
{sirius}: ANYWAYS JAMES CONTINUE
{james}: OK BESTIE
{james}: SOOO WE WENT DOWN AND I GOT HIM TO SWIM WITH MEEE
{james}: SO LIKE SWIM CHASE THING AND THEN WE JUST LAZED AND CHATTED
{james}: NOW WERE SITTING NEAR THE TREE WITH WEED AND FOOD
{sirius}: FUCKING HELL MATE THAT IS THE BEST DATE EVER
{sirius}: THATS JSTY SO SWEET AND COOL
{mary}: OH MY GOD???
{mary}: FOR ONCE I AGREE WITH SIRIUS THAT IS RLLY SWEET
{sirius}: rude
{mary}: nah x
{james}: FANKS GUYS XXX
{remus}: that is cute prongs is he enjoying it or whatevs
{james}: as far as i know yes
{james}: see look
{james}: *attatched image of barty smiling*
{lily}: AWH OH MY FOD JAMES THATS OH MNY GOD
{lily}: MARY DO THIS STUFF FOR ME
{mary}: not until we get dora
{mary}: SPEAKING OF
{mary}: WHICH ONE OF U FUCKERS LOCKED US IN A BROOM CLOSET FOR AN HOUR TODAY??
{mary}: james, u n nbarty are already off the hook cos u were out
{james}: SOMEOEN LOCKED U THREE INB A BROOM CLOSTE?!??!
{lily}: YES
{sirius}; did it work?
{mary}: KINDA?
{sirius}: U CANT JUST SAY THAT ITS A YESOR NO QUESITON
{mary}; WELL DORA SAID WE SHOULD ALL MEET UP IN HOGSMEADE JUST THE THREE OF US THIS UPCOMING WEEKEND AND ME AND LILS SAID YES AND SHE WENT ON HER PHONE
{sirius}: YOU IDIOT IT WORKED
{sirius}: SHE CLEARLY ASKED U TWO ON A DATE
{lily}: WHTA
{remus}: read the message again lils
{lily}: ohhhhhh
{lily}: OH MY GOD????
{james}: OH YM GOD THIDS IS AMAXZING WTF
{sirius}: GO SPEAK TO HER RNRN
{mary}: ON OUR WAY FANKS YOUS LOT XXXXXX
{james}: ANYTIMEEEE XXXX
{marlene}: wtaf
{marlene}: ok i now feel single as sm1in a very happy healthy relationship so im gonna go see my gf byeeee
{james}: bye babe ill go too love ya all
{sirius}: love ya too jim jimmy jim jim jim
{james}: not my name but ok bestie !!
{remus}: i amde him watch muppets treasure island, all my hard work haas payed off
{peter}: YOU GOT HIM TO WATCH IT OH MY GOD WELL DONE
{remus}: IKR THANKUTHANKU
{james}: bye weirdos
"Barty?"
"Yeah?"
"Heard about mary, lils and dora?"
Bartys head snapped up from where he was sitting making a orange and lemonade. "No? What happened?"
James smiled. "Well someone locked the three of them in a broom closet for an hour and dora asked if they could all go to hogsmeade together at the weekend."
"Oh my god! Fucking finally! Taken them long enough, whoever put them in there is a genius."
"I know right! I love that they're getting together, they're so suited for it."