“”Who do you love james?” Remus asks one night on the balcony, spliff in his hand, back pressed against a wall, other hand on the ground, marking up the gravel with his fingertip.
James inhaled his own spliff, closing his eyes as his heart raced a little more than it should have. He was scared of the answer. Scared to open his eyes and see the sandy-haired boy looking at him. It wasn't an odd question to be asked. Remus and James had been keeping each other updated on their love lives for years. Always in the same place doing the same thing. But this time it was different. It was different because this time James loves remus. Loved Remus more than he was willing to admit. Loved Remus more than he thought he could. It wasn't fair to him. Wasn't fair that he had to sit and listen to Remus talk about sirius. Wasn't fair that he had to watch Remus and Sirius kiss each other and be cute with each other. Because Sirius and Remus were dating. He wasn't dating remus.
James wouldn't consider himself a selfish person. He did more for others than he ever did for himself. Cared more about others than he cared for himself. And for this reason, this reason alone, he feels like the universe owes him something. Which is stpud, he thinks, because the universe doesn't owe anyone anything. Does Not owe James a love life or an act of selfishness. James is merely a human being with no impact in the world at all. James has had an easy life. He's never experienced the trauma that remus or peter or sirius have. But he feels owed. He feels like for once, just one small time, the universe has to do this for him. Because it hurts him so much. Knowing that he loves someone that will never love him no matter how hard he loves them. And it's stupid, he knows that more than anyone, but hes james potter. He does everything for everyone, he sits and listens to people who couldn't care less if James dropped off the side of the earth the next day. He cares about people who have never cared about him. He worries for people who would slap him at any opportunity.
But the sick and twisted truth is that James doesn't believe he deserves love. He’s done nothing to gain love. He knows love exists, he's seen it with his parents, but he doesn't think he is deserving of love. And it doesn't matter how many times someone tells James that they love him, he will never believe it. He doesn't know why, he wishes he does, but he doesn't. And he wants nothing more than to have someone who loves him. Who holds him first. Who thinks of him the first thing when they wake up and right before they go to sleep. To wait for him in the morning and kiss him. Telling him “I love you, have a great day”. But James, in his mind, isn't deserving of that. Because what has he done to deserve it? What has he gone through to deserve that?
“No one” he lies. He opens his eyes again and to his disdain Remus is looking at him. Looking at him with those brown eyes that James wants to melt into and stay in forever. He should be able to look at his best friend without wanting to cry but he can't. He can't and it hurts.
Remus raises his eyebrow, lips pursing and eyes widening. “No one?” he asks for confirmation, taking his spliff to his mouth again and sucking in.
“No one '' James says it a little quieter this time. Like if he speaks at normal volume the cry that he's holding in will escape.
Remus laughs dryly “i don't believe that, not for a second”
Please believe it, James thinks, please believe it so I don't have to explain it to you.
James shrugs “not my fault, it's the truth”
Remus takes a deep breath and lifts his foot up to stamp on the almost finished spliff as it drops to the floor. “Is it?”
The question pierces james’ heart. Stabs him right where it hurts. Makes him wish he were dead.
“Yeah” he says flatly, wishing the conversation were over, but James has more than half a spliff left and Remus won't leave until James does.
“James” he says it in a softer tone, turning his head towards james’ direction and looking at him “tell me the truth”
James almost cries right there and then. The pain of wanting -needing- to tell Remus over takes him. He can feel his eyes well up and his mind rushing. He just wants it to stop. Weed is supposed to make you calmer and yet, right now, it's making everything worse. “I cant.” he says in a pained voice.
“Why?”
Why? “Because you’ll think im a bad person”
His eyes are closed and he doesn't hear anything until a soft pair of calloused hands are holding his chin. He knows those hands. Those hands are remus’ hands. Holding him like he's the sun. like he's everything.
“I could never think you were a bad person, james”
Remus says it in such a voice that James thinks it might be true. That remus won't hate him if he tells him. But that's not the truth. It will never be the truth. Because how is he meant to tell his best friend that he wishes he were dating him instead of sirius. Sirius who has been with James since the beginning. Sirius who James has helped escape the worst of lives. Sirius who James couldn't even breathe without. But James wants to be serious sometimes. To be sirius when remus holds him, when remus kisses him, when remus lays with him, when remus collapses into him after a long day. He wants remus. And its fucked up. He should be happy for them. He should be so happy that they've finally admitted their feelings for each other. That they've finally seen each other the way they were always meant to see each other.
With james’ last strength that he can muster up, he moves himself out of Remus’ hold and stands up, dropping the spliff in one of the plant pots. “I need some air”
Remus looks at him with sad eyes. “James-”
But James walks away before Remus can finish the sentence. He walks back into the common room, pushing past marlene and lily who are playing chess, ignores the calls from sirius and peter who are asking where he's going and just walks.
He doesn't know how long he's been walking for or where he is. The ground beneath him is muddy and he can't see the castle from here. He must be near Hagrid's hut maybe. Or the forbidden forest. But its dark and he was stupid and left his wand in his dorm, he has a habit of leaving his wand places, a habit he really has to stop doing. He can smell wood burning and a fire in the distance. He walks a little more and as he turns the corner he can see Hagrid's hut. A familiar sense of comfort and warmth spreads through his body as he sees Hagrid open the door and throw food out for the small animals that he cares for. He smiles to himself a little and digs his hands in his pocket as he approaches him.
“What are you doing out here so late, james?” hagrid asks, smiling as he sees james walk up to him
“Needed to get away from everything, didnt realise I was so far away from the castle” James says with a flat smile, stopping as he reaches a few feet from hagrid.
Hagrid nods and opens his door again before looking back at james “you best come inside, strange creatures walk around these grounds at night, fella”
James nods and steps up into hagrids place, walking towards the pump sofa and sitting down on it. He didn't realise how much his feet ached until he was off of them.
Hagrid busies himself making tea for the both of them, adding more coal and wood to the fire and placing the large metallic tea pot over the fire as he waits for it to warm up and start whistling
“Something on your mind, lad?” he asks, turning his head over his shoulder to look at James, who by this point, is almost asleep.
James shruggs and takes a deep breath “many things”
When James first got to Hogwarts he struggled a lot. He had never really been away from his parents for a long time before. The occasional trip to his grandparents house in the summer or sleepovers at Peters, but not for an extended amount of time. He had struggled the first few nights. Going to sleep without his mum and dad whispering a “good night, love” to him and kissing his forehead, had been a lot harder than he thought it would have been. He had snuck out of bed one night, roaming the halls way past curfew and getting shouted at by the talking portraits as he did. Hagrid had come across a crying James in one of the corridors near the Hufflepuff dorms and taken him to his hut to calm him down. And since then, James had been going to Hagrid whenever he needed advice and care.
Hagrid sits down next to james, passing him a chalice of tea and and plopping a sugar cube into it, “what's wrong, son”
James takes a sup from the tea, gagging as it passes his throat (because unbeknownst to Hagrid, James hates tea, but has never had the heart to tell him), “have you ever loved someone you know you can't have?”
Hagrids eyes fall soft on James, tilting his head a little as he relaxes deeper into the sofa, causing James to slide a little bit until he's up against Hagrid's body. “This about remus?”
Of course Hagrid knows, James tells him everything.
It's in that moment, that very moment, that James breaks his walls down. The sob that's been building up in his throat, those feelings he’s been repressing for years, that heart ache he's been pretending doesn't exist, finally escape. He cries for the first time in a while, sobs and lets loose. Hagrid is quick when he takes the tea out of james’ hands and cradles the sobbing boy in his arms. His long beard scratched against james’ face and caused his glasses to dig into his skin. James doesn't really care, though.
“It's alright, james, it’ll get better”
James doesn't believe that. Not for a second. He doesn't believe it because he knows it will never get better. The marauders are a close knit group. A group that everyone knows will always stay in touch long after they’ve left hogwarts. James will always be around remus. He’ll probably end up being the best fucking man at sirius and remus’ wedding.
James feels like a terrible friend. He is a terrible friend. Because how can he want Remus so badly whilst knowing that his best friend, his other half, the person who makes up his soul, is dating remus. James is so happy for Sirius, he’s so happy that Sirius is finally happy, that Sirius has someone and not pining after remus. So he feels fucking terrible because how could he not? Half of him hates Sirius for having Remus and the other half of him is so happy for Sirius having remus. It's not jealousy, he wishes it was because he’d be able to deal with it, but this isn't jealousy, this is hatred. Its fucking disgusting and he wants to throw up because of it.
“I don't think it will '' he sobs out, clutching onto Hagrid like he could die any second if he ever lets go.
Hagrid lets him stay there. Sobbing and shaking until he falls asleep. Maybe from exhaustion, maybe from the fact that it's almost twelve am bby the time James stops crying. Hagrid doesn't care, he lays James down on the sofa, covering him in a thick, woollen blanket, and blows out the candles that lit up the room. He sighs softly to himself as he disappears to the backroom and falls asleep himself.
When James wakes up he doesn't remember where he is. It doesn't feel like his bed, it's too soft and warm. He doesn't hear any of the usual commotion of Peter trying to drag Sirius out of bed or the sound of the clash playing on their record player. It takes him a few moments to remember what happened before he fell asleep. He's in hagrids, asleep on the sofa, under a thick blanket. He does not want to get up. He wants to fall back asleep and pretend like last night never happened. He’s tried to hagrid before, many times, more than he can count, but not about boys. He feels stupid even saying it. Crying about boys. Hes almost eighteen years old and crying about a fucking boy.
The hut is silent for a few more seconds before hagrids bedroom door swings open and he hears Hagrid curse under his breath.
“Ah- fiddle bricks” he whispers,closing the door gently as he sees James stumble fast asleep on the sofa.
“Its alright” james replies in a groggy voice, sitting up and reaching for his glasses that are slightly bent, “im awake”, he puts his glasses back on and looks over had hagrid with a soft smile, “i'm sorry about last night, i really didn't mean to cry on your sofa- i'll go back, the lads are probably looking for me”
Hagrid waves a dismissive hand “don't you worry about it, you know ‘m always happy to help you. Wouldny be the first time it's ‘append, jus’ glad ya alright”
James nods and smiles again, standing up and folding the blanket to the best of his abilities and placing it down next to the fireplace. “I suppose I'll see you for the next full moon, '' James says, helping Hagrid clean up the extra coal pieces that fell out from the ash of the fire.
“You’re always welcome ‘ere, james, you’re not a burden”
James doesn't believe that, either.
He nods and waves a quick goodbye to hagrid before walking back up to the castle
When he walks into the common room he’s met with the faces of lily, marlene, mary, sirius, peter, remus, and surprisingly, dorcas. Dorcas is the first to run towards him, clashing into him and hooking their arms around james’ neck.
“Oh my god! We’ve been worried sick!” she shoutes into his robes, pulling back and smacking him (lovingly) on his arm, “lily and marlene came by slytherin asking if we’d seen you, where the fuck have you been?!”
James takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes, looking at all of his friends, “sorry, i didn't realise i would be gone for that long '' he says guiltily, refusing to look sirius and remus in the eyes. His eyes meet Peter and he gives him a look. Peter clasps his hands together and hurries towards James, grabbing his arm and walks him up the stairs.
“All questions will be answered soon! Please, no paparazzi for the star!” Peter shouts to the gaggle of friends down below who all start shouting when the two walk away.
Peter walks James immediately into the bathroom, sitting him down on the toilet seat and locking the door with a simple flick of spell before turning to James and crossing his arms. “And where have you been all night?” he asks in a tone that causes james to roll his eyes and slump down on the seat
“Hagrids.”
Peter's eyes go wide and he slumps his own body against the back of the door, “that bad, huh?”
James nods and drops his head in his hands, “I'm so stuck, Pete, like what can I do? I've tried expressing the feelings and they don't go away, I've tried ignoring the feelings and they get worse, I can't even look at him” he whines, digging the palms of his hands into his eyes until he sees colours.
“Maybe you should talk to him” peter suggests
James looks up at Peter like he's just told him about the wizarding world for the first time in his life, “oh yeah wormy, that’ll go great! I'll just go ‘hey remus! I'm in love with you!’ because that will work out in my favour”
Peter throws his hands up in surrender and slides his body down to the floor, “alright! Merlin, i'm just trying to help”
James sighs and shakes his head, peeling himself from the toilet seat and moving to sit next to peter. “Im sorry, i appreciate the help, really i do, i just- i don't know what i can do”
Peter takes a deep breath and lets James rest his head on his shoulder, “I don't know what you can do. You don't want to ruin Sirius and remus’ relationship, but you want remus. It's hard james”
“I know” james says, mouth muffled by peters hoodie
The two sit in silence for a while until the sound of knocking can be heard on the door behind them.
“It's padfoot, just checking you two havent died or started making out!”
James groans under his breath and the two stand up as they open the door. Remus and sirius are both stood in the dorm room, two plates of food in their hands
“Wasn't sure if you were coming down to breakfast, so, we bought breakfast for you” Remus says with a smile as the two hold out their plates and pass them to James and peter.
James wants to throw up.
“Right, yeah, thank you” Peter smiled before quickly shutting the door again.
Sirius’ hand jamms the door back open and it swings against the bath wall “prongs, you okay?” he asks, looking at James with a worried look.
James is staring at the floor. Not having the courage to bring his eyes up to meet Sirius’. “Yeah” he says “yeah fine”
Sirius isn't having any of it. He reaches into the bathroom and grabs james’ hand, pulling him out and into the dorm room. “Talk.” he says in a slightly commanding tone that scares James just a bit. James doesn't talk. “James we don't keep secrets from each other, that's not how this shit works.”
James wants to laugh. He wants to laugh and scream in sirius’ face that Sirius kept his relationship a secret from James for months whilst giving James shit for keeping secrets from him. But he doesn't. Je keeps his mouth closed and stays silent. Eyes down at the ground. He can't say it. He can't. He knows he can't. No, he can't say it.
But it's all too much. There Are too many emotions and secrets and he feels like he’s going to explode. He feels like one more second he might spontaneously combust and he’ll die. He feels like he's under veritaserum, the words are in his throat, on his tongue, inching their way out of james’ mouth, prying his lips open without asking James if it's okay. He can't stop them no matter how hard he tries to stop them. He tries to swallow them down but it's too late.
“I'm in love with remus.”