Only Human (MMM Shame)
We're Only Human
He finds her in the back of their garden. She’s holding herself as if the wind might blow her away.
“What’s wrong?”
She sniffs and rocks back and forth without answering.
He sits down next to her and puts a hand around her shoulder. “Come on, you can tell me.”
She shakes her head. “You’ll think me a monster.”
“I could never think that. Never, Lil, c’mere.” She fits perfectly in his embrace, even with her growing belly. “Tell me what you’re thinking, please. You're my wife, nothing you say will make me love you less.”
He doesn’t mean for it to sound like a challenge, but her eyebrows raise as she looks at him for a second, a hint of a smirk on her lips. It’s not enough to pull her out of what’s bothering her, for she purses her lips and looks away. Her hand rests absentmindedly on the curve of her belly.
It’s both mesmerising and terrifying to know there’s a child, their child, growing inside of her.
For a long time they just sit side by side, not speaking. He doesn’t push, he has learned sometimes it’s best to wait.
At last she starts to speak, a whisper, barely louder than the rushing of the leaves above. “Every day, James, every damn day I wish it is someone else, them, anyone, just not us. Not us. I don’t want it to be us.”
He turns and takes in her pale face, it's only the beginning of spring and her freckles have faded during the winter months. He could look at the patterns across her face for hours.
“And I hate myself for thinking that," she says, not looking at him. "We made our choice and I would not change it. We knew about the danger, and I believe we are doing the right thing… But now… now we have to think about this little one, and that makes everything different," she rubs her hand over her stomach. "I know we are fighting to make the world a better place for our child to live in. Still, the risks we’re taking, the risks we run seem too high when it could hurt...more than just us. I feel like I’m losing control."
Lily shifts next to him, her gaze fixed on the camellia, whose large petals are shifting from red to yellow-brown.
“James, I’m disgusted with myself. You would too, if you knew what I’m willing to do to keep our baby safe.”
He doesn't say anything at first, just holds her.
“Lily, I feel the same way, and not just about this little one,” he says, as he presses a kiss to her hair. "About you too."
“There’s no shame in wanting your loved ones to be safe,” he says, mouth still pressed to her hair. “To wish it more for us than for anyone else, it makes me love you more. We’re not saints, Lil, we’re human.”