That fucker had been concealed in the shadows for god knows how long. Silent, poised, yet impatient to attack. Remus had been too focused on the weather forecast to sense anything. Quite ridiculous, yes but it exercised an enormous fascination on him. Keeping track of the shifting winds and upcoming storms, almost as if that could shelter him from the hardships of mundane life.
In the air b'n'b where they were staying, the tv was an old thing, barely still functioning. It could only transmit shows in black and white, but it was good enough for Remus to catch up with his so beloved weather forecast.
He had been sitting there for half an hour, fingers still curled around his cup of tea, that after having been forgotten was now as alluring as puddle of water.
The forecast had just started.
CRACK.
Remus' cup of tea had been propelled across the room, as his heart's sudden increase in rhythm had caused him to jump. Sirius was now standing right next to him, a smirk on his face as he observed a startled Remus.
He had apparated in the room (no fucking way to make him stop now that he was legally allowed).
"For fuck's sake, Black."
Sirius put on his best puppy eyes, acting clueless. "What?"
"You know exactly what."
"Ah, yes, you're jealous because you're not of age yet."
"And they said you were smart." Remus scoffed.
"And they were right." The long haired man pulled out his wand and cleaned up the mischief. "Why do you drink that shite anyways? I've done you a favour."
"It's aids my nerves."
"Bollocks, tea gives you energy Remus." Black shook his head. "And they said you were smart." he added, copying his friend's tone.
"It was herbal, you twat." Remus kissed his teeth.
"Well, you didn't seem to be enjoying it particularly anyways."
"Let me watch this in peace." the man bursted once again, shifting his glance on the television. Crossing his arm with a deep sigh, he remembered the date, and how close the full moon was. He was always tense in this period of the month.
Sirius' eyes were still stuck on his friend's scrawny frame, as he bit his lips he was filled with a mixture of envy and concern.
"Is it ok if I sit by you?"
Remus shrugged and Black took it as a yes.
"I'm an idiot, I know. It's just that/"
"/Whatever Sirius," Lupin cut him off. "There's always an explanation with you. Can I just watch this one thing that I care about without being harassed?"
Sirius held himself back from grinning. It was just like him, finding amusement in all the wrong moments, and he secretly liked that about himself.
Harrassed. pfft.
His friend's lexical choice felt a bit histrionic, that was all.
But that grin held back a bitter taste. With the corner of his eyes he observed once again his friend’s profile. Those shapes that he knew so well.
He thought about touching the many edges of Lupin's body, tracing the shape of his hipbones. Biting on his tough skin.
Sirius's head subtly followed his glance, that had reached the other's feet. As he took in the shape of Lupin’s body in real life, his memory proposed him more suggestive images. The contrast was staggering.
When dressed, Remus appeared so subdued. A twink. A shy and troubled boy. A muggle studies teacher of sorts.
But naked Remus...
Naked Remus felt invicible. Like a shark. Like a wolf. His alabaster skin marble. And those marks, wounds and scars? None other than its unique and irrepeatable veins.
The way Remus's body felt rough and elongated, was something that Sirius couldn't help but envy.
Sirius was also very different when naked. But it was more like the other way around. None of his loud womaniser panthomime translated onto his naked body.
It might have been for the way he slouched. Or how he would tightly shut his knees together, subconsciously, just to check how much his thighs rubbed against each other.
He felt so defective. So wrong. So foreign within his own skin, and no amount of transfigurative magic had ever changed that.
He had used a spell to make his chest disappear every day for the previous year, but as he walked around knowing his true form, he felt even more like a fraud than he normally did.
The way his thighs were muscular and rounded, like one of those greek statues, a trait that many others found enticing, just brought the vomit up to his mouth.
Sometimes he would stare for too long. And after an indeterminate interval of disassociation, he would find that his body and traits had distorted like in a funhouse mirror.
He had never wanted to be soft. He had always wanted to be tough. Sharp and cold like concrete. He was fit, plenty of skinny guys would have lined up to switch bodies with him, but how he felt inside was so different from the outside.
He wanted his shoulders to go out at the corners, boney, he thought as he grabbed one of them to check its consistency.
-Sir, I’m… i’m sorry if I was rude.- Remus murmured, his eyebrow raised in a request for approval. The stare of someone that was too concerned with Sirius's weird demeanour for Sirius's liking.
-No, don’t be.- Sirius responded without knowing he had. His eyes wandering through the empty space, too focused on the internal conversation.
He furrowed his eyebrows. His shoulders going up as he took a deep breath.
-But I am.- Remus insisted, sounding guilty, and raising a hand to reach Sirius’ shoulder.
-Look, I’m sorry if I’ve been clingy lately.- He admitted through clenched teeth. A deep swallow as he felt his eyes burning and the tears welling up on his lower lid.
-You haven’t/
-/Don’t play me.- Sirius interrupted him, his voice stern as he clenched his jaw. Looking up, hoping that tears wouldn't start falling down.- I know I have been clingy.
He was forced to stop talking as his voice cracked. He closed his eyes, one of his hands closing into a fist. He was not going to cry. He let out a breath forcefully and cleared his throat.
-I know you’ve been really patient with me. It’s just that… uh, getting thrown out and… umh… the Potters are great. I'm so thankful for them but... with them not knowing about my bloody little problem, you know...
Sirius licked his lower lip. He put his palms up, meeting Remus’s glance for the first time in minutes, with hesitation.
-It’s hard, i know.- The younger man’s mouth shifting into a tilted smile, his eyes closing.- I wish i could make it better.
-you are/
-/But I mean, I wish I could change things.
-Shut up.- Sirius grabbed Remus’s hand in a rush, like there was a deadline to respect, and held it tightly.- There’s no one,- His eyes now fixated onto the other’s.- and I mean no one that could understand me better than you do. You’ve been great, ok?
-Ok.- Remus inhaled deeply, his eyes narrowing as if he was unconvinced and still looking for new ideas.- Didn’t- didn’t the transfiguration spells help?
-Yes..- Sirius murmured, now looking at his corduroy trousers.- And no. Having to spend all that time every morning doing the spells actually made me focus even more on my body. That’s all I could think about all day… And in the afternoon when my body would start shifting back… the dysphoria was a lot worse. I felt like a fraud.
-Well, would you ever tell me I'm a fraud for concealing my secret?
-Well, no but it’s/
-/It’s exactly the same.- Remus cleared his mouth.- I’m going to look into quicker spells. I’ll look for anything that could make it better, mh?
Remus asked softly, like a parent comforting his offspring. Sirius hesitated, taken aback by the sudden care, as much as he should have been used to it by now. He gently caressed Sirius’s face then holding his chin for one more moment.
-Actually…- Sirius looked down, swallowing visibly.- I- I've been thinking I may... I've been thinking I may... not want to use any spell.
-Ok…- Remus was skeptical, one of his shoulders going up.- Why haven’t you stopped then?
-I…- Sirius’s mouth was still open. His deep cerulean eyes escaping Remus’s.
-You know you can tell me anything.
-I thought… I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore. With the fact you’re gay and all, you know.
Remus’s eyes widened. For a second he was perfectly still, so much so that Sirius was about to shake him to ensure his friend hadn’t been replaced with a lifesize cardboard. Then, in Black’s mind, a giant black hole of fear opened up: what if Remus hadn’t considered that up until that point?
-Sirius Orion Black. You stupid self denying man.- He was shouting, which was unusual for Lupin, his face becoming almost vermillion red as he shook his head a number of times. He exhaled deeply, closing his eyes.- I love you for who you are, and that isn’t about a transfiguration spell.
-Well… w-would y- would you still see me as a man?
-You are a man.
Sirius seemed to have accepted the statement for a moment, as he let go of his shoulders that had been tense.
-But.. but would you still find me desirable?- Sirius bit his lip.- I mean, not just ok…- he bit the innerside of his cheeks, then a glimpse in his eyes transformed his expression. A cocky smile appeared on his face. - Would you still find me gorgeous?
-Thank god,- Remus stated.- I was starting to get worried, you horribly vain himbo.
They laughed in unison.
–... of course I think you’re gorgeous.- Lupin added right after, his tone now firm.
-What about when I'm old? Will you still think I’m hot when I've got a wrinkly bum?
-Umh… Let me think,- Lupin tightened his lips, looking up and bringing a hand to his own chin.- I’m afraid not, Sir, on earth we’re briefly gorgeous.
Sirius opened his mouth feigning outrage, then narrowing his eyes and shaking his head. He then propelled forward, attacking Lupin’s neck and starting to kiss him so furiously that he had no time to breathe.
The man in the magic muggle box had just wrapped up the weather forecast, Remus glancing at it with the side of his eyes, now uncaring of having lost the last of it. As long as the storm in their heads was under control, he could make do without being prepared for a windy and unforgiving morning.
All was well.