What if he wasn't?

Buck had been trying for two days to tell Eddie that he wasn’t just hanging out with Tommy. The way he reacted when Eddie showed up on their date was honestly rather pathetic. He had fully come to terms with the fact that it was a date after talking to Maddie. He didn’t know why he was so nervous - there was nobody in his everyday life that would be anything but happy for him, but still, there was a thought sitting at the back of his head.

–-

He had first tried calling him when he was at Maddie’s.

“What do I even say? ‘Hey, sorry that I was weird the other night. I was trying to make out with your friend without anyone knowing.’?” Buck said.

“I probably wouldn’t start there, no. Besides, he’s a new friend for Eddie,” Maddie said, mocking her brother for his defence earlier in the conversation.

Buck started tapping his foot rapidly, which was something he used to do when he had done something wrong and needed to come clean to their parents.

“Hey,” Maddie whispered, placing her hand on his knee to stop the movement, “you’ve done nothing wrong.”

“I know, but I just - I hate this feeling, okay?”

“I know but -”

“I’m just going to call him,” He snapped.

He picked his phone up off of the counter and called the number that was so familiar to him. His heart was beating a million miles a minute, he was pacing around Maddie’s kitchen with his thumb nail in his mouth. He had put the phone on speaker so that Maddie could hear. It rang, and rang and rang, until finally…

“Hi, I can’t answer right now, please leave a message after the beep and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

“Shit” They both whispers simultaneously

Beep

“Hi Eddie, it’s..”

“No!” Maddie shouted, snatching the phone from Bucks's hand and ending the call.

“You are not telling him over a voicemail! That’s worse than a text!” She exclaimed.

“Ooh, could I…?”

“No, Buck, you cannot tell him over a text.”

“Urgh,” Buck moaned whilst flopping onto Maddie's couch.

Then Chimney cam home, and their mission had to be postponed.

–-

His second attempt was a letter, which he had realised was just as pathetic when it got to 3 am and he had a trash can full of crumpled up pieces of paper.

Hey Eddie,
How are you?
-He can’t answer you, Buck!

Dear Eddie,
-Hmm, dear seems a bit much?

Dear Edmundo,
-Yes, definitely too much.

Hi Eddie,
I feel silly writing this, but I couldn’t quite figure out how to say this to you.
The thing is, I think I like men. Not you, but men in general.
-Why mention him? He’s not going to assume you have a crush on him, Buck!

Eddie,
It was a date.
Thanks,
Buck
-It’s not an email! And what does that even mean?

He wrote a final letter that he did not trash, but knew it was too much to hand to him. What was his plan going to be further than that? Leave it in Eddie's locker? Get someone to pass it to him in the morning briefing like they were in middle school. Hand it to him and walk away? Awkward.

He knew he had to do this face to face, but he was just so scared. What if this changed things between them? He knew that he wouldn’t; Eddie was an ally, but what if he wasn't? What if he was secretly homophobic? Or was he okay with people being gay so long as they weren’t friends with him? He knew he was being unreasonable, but he could not stop his brain. He put the letter in his bedside drawer and went to sleep - he would go in early tomorrow and see if he could speak to him then.

--

That was his third attempt, but Eddie was very clearly preoccupied. He walked in and saw Eddie working out as he often did.

“Hey”

“Hey,” Eddie replied, setting his weights down.

“S-so listen, I just wanted to say… That you are here early!”

“Yeah, been here since six.”

“Our shift doesn’t start 'til nine?”

“Yeah, I left the house early to avoid not having sex.”

“To avoid not having sex?” Buck asked, baffled.

“Yeah she likes it in the morning - let me ask you a question- were your family very religious growing up?”

“Uh, we were Episcopalian. So, no.”

“Well, I come from Catholics. Latin Catholics…”

They then had a very confusing conversation that Buck almost struggled to keep up with. It would seem that Eddie’s girlfriend, Marisol, used to be a nun, which meant that Eddie was now struggling to have sex with her. Eddie never talks about his sex life, so for him to bring it up willingly, it must have really been affecting him. Also, the fact that he left for work three hours early to avoid sex.

The conversation went so quickly. Buck made a joke about him being pent up the said he wished he could help with that? Why did he do that? He would definitely be using that as an excuse not to sleep and overthink instead. He decided he needed to end the conversation and suggested that Eddie talk to Bobby - the only practising Catholic he knew.

At the end of the conversation Eddie gave him the opportunity to tell him what he had originally came over to say but Buck decided not to take it.

It was a very q-word shift in more ways than one. They didn’t answer many calls and everyone was in their heads about something or other. Buck was panicking about telling Eddie (which then led to a mini panic about the fact he would also have to tell everyone else eventually, too). Eddie was worrying about Marisol. Hen was scared about her new foster daughter, Mara. Bobby was worrying about everyone on his team. Only Chimney seemed to be carefree!

At the end of the shift, Buck got changed and started to leave when Eddie called after him and asked if he could hang out at Buck’s for a bit.

“Still don’t want to not have sex?” Buck laughed as they left and made their way to Buck’s car.

-–

It was during another rant about not wanting to have sex with Marisol that Buck’s opportunity came.

They had talked about what he should do - Buck assured him that if Marisol wanted to have sex that Eddie would work his way through it.

“You and Tommy have the right idea. Stay single. Hang out with the boys,” he said, taking a long sip of his beer.

Buck knew that this was the time. If he didn’t do it now, he never would.

“It was a date,” he said cautiously, which grabbed Eddie’s attention.

“When you and Marisol ran into me and Tommy. We were on a date.”

“Really?” Eddie said, a small look of confusion passing over his face.

“Wait, Tommy’s gay?” He said, glossing over the fact that this also meant that Buck was some kind of queer too.

“That never came up while you guys were hanging out?” Buck asked sincerely.

“No-no. I mean not that it would have mattered.”

“Sure. I-I don’t think he volunteers it, but, uh, he doesn’t hide it,” Buck admitted with a sense of pride.

“So you two were…”

It had clicked. Buck liked boys. Men. Eddie tried to keep the slight delight off of his face because he didn’t quite know what it meant. There was a small voice in the back of his head that he had forced to ignore for as long as he could remember, but this time, it felt like it was screaming! ‘You have a chance with him’, ‘You have a chance with him’, ‘You have a chance with him’!

He pushed the thought away. His best friend was looking at him with so much nervous energy that if he didn’t answer soon, Buck was going to start feeling rejected. He knew this. He couldn’t be selfish right now and explore those thoughts when that was something he needed to do alone. His friend needed him now more than ever.

“We were on a date. Yes,” Buck said, pulling Eddie away from his internal thoughts.

“Okay.”

“Is that weird?”

Yes. But in a completely different way than he means, than Buck will think if Eddie replies like that.

“No. Absolutely not. I like him too.”

Panic hit his brain.

“I mean not in the same way as you, evidently.” He says.

Nice save, Diaz.

“This doesn’t change a thing between us. Okay?” he says leaning forward, ignoring the ‘You have a chance with him’ mantra his brain has picked up.

“Good. That’s, uh, a relief,” he says.

“Although I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway, 'cause, uh, he dumped me.” he continues with sadness in his voice.

“Wow, that's fast even for you,” Eddie joked, and took a sip of beer and forcing his eyes away from Buck.

“I guess he can’t really dump me because we weren’t together. Uh, basically when we ran into you guys, I kind of made an idiot of myself, and he doesn’t think I’m ready,” Buck explained.

“Hmm, what do you think?” Eddie asked.

“I kinda can’t stop thinking about him,” Buck answered honestly, a slight smile tugging at his lips.

Eddie decided to ignore the painful pang that hit his chest when Buck said this. He’d started to get an idea of what it meant, but this was not the right time to explore that. Again, he needed to be there for his best friend, and if that meant pushing him into the arms of another man to keep the peace, then that is what he would do.

“Well, you know what I think? You should call him.” He said, the sentiment not reaching his eyes.

“Really?”

“Heck yeah! He doesn’t know you’re an idiot. Once he gets to know you and knows you’re an idiot, he’ll love you like we all do.”

“What if he says no?”

“Then he’s an idiot.” Eddie points out, silently hoping that Tommy is indeed an idiot.

“Don’t walk away from something before you even know what it is.”

“That sounds like some good advice,” Buck said, pointing at him.

Confusion hit Eddie's face before he could register what Buck meant. Shit. Marisol. He shook his head and sighed.

“Yeah. I gotta talk to Marisol” He said, not really knowing what that conversation would look like.

He started to walk to the door, then turned to Buck. He chuckled looking at the other man sat there with so much pent up energy - nerves.

“Come here.” He chuckled again, pulling Buck into a hug that they both needed.

His heart was pounding and his chest sparked from the contact. He couldn’t say that he had never experienced this before with Buck, but this was the first time he’d allowed himself to feel it. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t fully know what it meant. He had a girlfriend. He had just shoved Buck towards another man. But this hug, though they’d shared thousands of them before, felt a little different. Buck backed away, so Eddie did too. Clutching Buck’s shoulder, Eddie said the words he would most regret.

“Call Tommy.”