Chapter 4
"James, I have a bad feeling about this," Lily said the next morning.
James had told her about what had happened yesterday.
Lily hung her upper body from the lower bunk bed and looked overhead at James who was pacing the cabin.
Her roommates were still having breakfast, and both used the time to talk.
The young man stopped and looked at Lily.
"He- he's different, I swear to you. He's not like the others. He's like a butterfly that's trapped in a cocoon and wants to break free."
Lily sat up and furrowed her eyebrows.
"A butterfly?"
"A butterfly," James confirmed. "With the appearance of an angel."
Lily didn't know whether to be worried or happy for him. She had never seen James like this before. He had a crush in several people before– yes, Lily already knew that he had a crush on that boy. But it was never like this.
"He looks even more beautiful up close," James said desperately.
James sat down next to Lily. The young man ran a hand through his hair in frustration and sighed.
Yep, never like that, Lily thought.
"You weren't there, Lily. He didn't want to jump. He just didn't want to stay there anymore."
"But he has to do it himself, James. It's not your job."
"I know. But I feel like it's my job to help him."
James' best friend furrowed her eyebrows.
"But why? Why this Boy?"
"I have no idea, Lily."
"You are making no sense, James."
"Tell me something new."
~~~~~
"Well, I've been on my own since I was 15, since my folks died," James said.
He and Regulus strolled around the first-class deck, enjoying the sunny day.
"And I had no brothers or sisters or close kin in that part of the country. I just have Lily, so we lit on out of there and haven't been back since. You could just call us tumbleweed blowing in the wind."
"Is Lily your fiancée or something?" Regulus asked.
He didn't really want to know, but he asked anyway. Regulus didn't like the idea of James having a fiancé; He didn’t know why he felt that way.
"Heaven no," laughed James.
Regulus stopped in confusion.
If it's not his fiancé, then it's his wife. And that was worse. But then... why was James on deck last night? James didn’t seem the kind of man who would let his wife alone to– what actually did he do?, Regulus asked himself
"Lily is Lily. You know?"
The way James said her name- Lily meant a lot to James. Something tightened inside Regulus. He wished so badly that someday someone would pronounce his name the way James pronounced 'Lily'.
"No, I do not know", Regulus replied.
James raised an eyebrow. If he wouldn’t know better, he would say, that Regulus sounded a bit jealous.
"Lily isn't my fiancée", James explained. "She's my best friend, but I see her more as a sister."
"Oh," Regulus said.
The young man was strangely relieved by this statement. He stayed silent while they continued their walk on Deck.
"Well, Regulus," James changed the subject. "we've walked about a mile around this boat deck and chewed over how great the weather's been and how I grew up but I reckon that's not why you came to talk to me, is it?"
"Mr. Potter, I-"
"James," the young man corrected Regulus.
"James."
A shiver ran down James' spine. He'd never paid any attention to his name– for him it was always common and boring. Nothing special just James– but the way Regulus pronounced it...
James liked that, he really liked that.
"I want to thank you for what you did. Not just for pulling me back, but for your discretion."
"You're welcome."
"Look," Regulus began again. "I know what you must be thinking. Poor little rich guy. What does he know about misery?"
"No. No, that's not what I was thinking," James assured. "What I was thinking was, what could have happened to this boy to make him think he had no way out?"
"Well I... It was everything. It was my whole world and all the people in it. And all the while I feel I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up. Well, there is my brother, but I– I don't know."
Regulus had to stop himself from babbling more. James was so easy to talk to, it felt so normal and right. Regulus only knew him since yesterday.
"Do you fancy that other guy?" James asked bluntly.
"Pardon me?"
"That Snape guy, do you fancy him?"
Of course, James knew the name Snape. The newspaper reported regularly about him and his family. James didn't read the articles; he wasn't interested in rich people's things.
Regulus wondered how James dared to ask him such a question. Who did he think he was? Just because the other man was so wickedly good-looking, he couldn't-
"You're being very rude. You shouldn't be asking me this," Regulus said.
He turned to James, crossed his arms over his chest and drew his eyebrows together.
It was supposed to intimidate James or something. But it really wasn’t. James thought it was rather cute and it reminded him of a cat. A cute, angry, little baby kitten.
"Well, it's a simple question. Do you fancy the guy or not?"
"This is absurd," Regulus said, taking a few steps away from James. "You don't know me and I don't know you and we are not having this conversation at all. You are rude and uncouth and presumptuous and I am leaving now."
Regulus held out his hand, he didn't know why. But subconsciously tried to convince himself it was just a gentlemanly gesture.
"James. Mr. Potter. It's been a pleasure. I sought you out to thank you and now I have thanked you–"
"And you've insulted me," James interrupted Regulus.
"Well, you deserve it."
"Right."
"Right."
"I thought you were leaving."
"I am," Regulus let go of James' hand and turned to go.
After a few steps he turned back to James.
"You are so annoying."
James just chuckled and watched as Regulus turned away from him a second time, only to face James a second time.
"Wait. I don't have to leave. This is my part of the ship. You leave."
"Well, well, well. Now who's being rude?" James asked amused, leaning against the railing.
To deviate from the subject, Regulus grabbed James' sketchbook, which the other young man was holding.
"What is this stupid thing you're carrying around?"
James did not try to retrieve the sketchbook.
"So, what are you, an artist or something?"
Regulus started looking at the drawings. He sat in one of the wooden chairs only found on the first-class deck, James sat in the chair next to it.
"These are rather good."
Regulus continued looking through the pages. Every single drawing was so detailed and full of life. Like the drawing of a mother with her child.
"They're very good, actually. James, this is exquisite work."
"Ah, they didn't think too much of them in old Paree," James replied.
"Paris?" Regulus said in surprise. "You do get around for a p- Well, a- a person of limited means."
"Go on. A poor guy. You can say it."
James had no problem with that. Regulus only said something, which was true. So why pretend it is different?
Regulus turned the pages, and the next drawing was that of a naked man. He had his head on a pillow and a cigarette in his mouth.
"Well, well, well."
James ran a hand through his hair in embarrassment, while Regulus turned the pages one after one. James was slightly worried that Regulus would think his drawings would be inappropriate.
But the younger man did not say anything like that. In fact, he looked genuinely interested.
The next drawing was of a woman (also naked), in one she was sitting, in the other she stood in front of a mirror.
"And these were drawn from life?", Regulus wanted to know.
No sooner had Regulus asked the question than another passenger walked past the two of them. Regulus discreetly closed the sketchbook so the elderly gentleman would not see James' drawings.
When they were undisturbed again, Regulus opened the sketchbook again. He really wanted to see the other pictures.
And as he looked at the pictures, two questions came to him.
Why didn't James tried to sell them in England? James was incredibly talented, and Regulus was sure that the right buyers would pay a lot for a drawing.
Well, maybe not for a drawing of a naked woman or man.
The second question was: How would it feel like to be drawn?
Regulus could guess that this must be a very intimate experience. Especially if it was a nude model.
However, James' drawings were not about being naked. They were sophisticated and it was about the people.
The next drawing was another nude woman with long dark hair and a beauty mark on her left cheek.
"Well, that's one of the good things about Paris. Lots of people are willing to take their clothes off," joked James.
Regulus gave him a disapproving look. He turned the pages and this time James had drawn the woman's hands.
"You liked this woman. You used her several times."
"Well. She had beautiful hands, you see?"
"I think you must have had a love affair with her," Regulus said with a slight smile on his lips.
"No, no, no. Just with her hands," James explained. "She was a one-legged prostitute."
Regulus looked up from the drawing, surprised and confused, and now James turned the page.
"Oh."
"See?"
"She had a good sense of humor though," James recalled.
"Oh, and this lady–" James continued to turn the pages.
He showed James a drawing of an elderly woman sitting at a counter. She wore a hat, a coat, and a lot of necklaces, bracelets, and rings.
"She used to sit at this bar every night wearing every piece of jewelry she owned just waiting for her long, lost love."
Love.
Regulus didn't really know what that word meant.
Love was something you felt. Regulus loved his brother, but that was only one kind of love.
The love James meant was different.
Soul crushing, heart wrenching, beautiful and Regulus hoped one day to know what that love felt like.
"We called her Madame Bijoux. See, her clothes are all moth-eaten."
"Did you draw Lily too?" Regulus asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.
James nodded. He briefly picked up the notepad and looked for a specific page.
It was one of the first pages Regulus hadn't looked at. James handed the drawing pad back to Regulus and he looked at the drawing.
A young woman with long hair and a lot of freckles sat laughing under a big apple tree. What surprised Regulus was that the young woman was wearing trousers. But he didn't ask any more questions, everyone should wear what they wanted, including women.
"She's beautiful," Regulus said.
"She is. Inside and out. She is a great person," James said with a smile.
The younger Black brother believed him.
"Well, you have a gift, James," Regulus said. "You do. You see people."
"I see you," James explained.
"And?" Regulus asked. He straightened up a little and a small smile appeared on his face.
"You wouldn't have jumped," James replied seriously.
The smile on Regulus' face slowly faded.