16. Tree
Friday 14th July 1899, 6:53pm
I woke up together with Gellert, when the sun was over the horizon and lazily preparing to set. We both looked at each other, but for the first time in the time I had known him, I could not tell what he was thinking or what I was thinking as I stared at my own reflection in his eyes. I looked tired, but I never wanted to admit it. I just hoped that there would be a day when I would sleep it all off and be okay and be the way I was the last time before my mom died and all the responsibility fell on me. To do that, I felt like it wasn't just a responsibility for my family, for Ariana and Abe, but for the rest of the world. There was just something in the air ever since Gellert came along, ever since Mom died and Aberforth stopped talking to me like a brother.
One of Gellert's eyes was still a different color, and I touched his temple bone lightly. The fever had completely gone out of him as if he'd never had it, and apart from looking even paler than normal, he seemed fine.
"I was so worried about you...." I couldn't say anything else, even when my head started working, I found myself terribly clumsy. And I wanted to sleep, even though we'd slept all day. But all the time Gellert was gone, I was thinking about what was going to happen to us, and I felt completely at a loss. Gellert just smiled at me.
"I was worried about you, too. About me too, but for you. I was afraid I'd never come back to you, never see you again..."
"But what happened? Where have you been?" I was beginning to burn with curiosity. Gellert sat up, pulling himself out of bed, and I turned away from his stretched body. I didn't want to complicate the situation right now by dwelling on something between us. There might be time for that later, but right now I couldn't afford to dwell on it. There were more important things going on.
"I'll tell you everything, don't worry. But I need to eat. I'll go to Bathylda's house and get us something to eat. I'll meet you at the Tree. Be there, I'll be waiting for you in an hour."
And with that he just walked off like that, leaving me sitting on the bed until I really had to go.
I leaned against the tree where we were to meet. I was still alone, but at least that gave me some time to think about what I wanted to ask and what I should leave out. At least for now. I let my hands drop to the grass, which was still a little warm, though the sun was almost down and it had cooled considerably. I stared dully and utterly thoughtlessly at my hands, then at the purple loose sleeves of my shirt, which I wasn't wearing properly at all, because it was missing my vest and my pocket watch, so on top of all that, like a proper young man, I started thinking that I looked utterly impossible, and that made me even more nervous, and the lump in my throat got bigger. I tried to take a breath and look away to come to other thoughts, but then I was interrupted by a light quiet footstep, and in a moment I saw Gellert coming towards me with a picnic basket. He smiled an understated, elegant smile as he approached me, and with a wave of his wand he conjured up a blanket and a small table on which he set the basket down. He opened it and I smelled coffee; it was late, but tired is tired and my eyes lit up immediately.
"I thought it would make you happy, because I don't know how long we're going to be here together today. I want you to have room to ask anything you need to know. I'm just sorry in advance if I don't answer you; I'd just like to keep some of it to myself, but I'll try to explain anyway." His words relieved the lump in my throat and the nervousness itself. I suddenly had a chance to breathe normally, and more importantly, I felt like he trusted me again, and I could trust him. I nodded my head and took one cup from the basket, into which I poured the coffee and, in Gellet's next words, "ruined it with milk and sugar, because it doesn't taste like coffee anymore like this." I had to smile at his remark and Merlin knows why I suddenly felt older. It was like all the stress had gotten to me and instead of feeling it, it was written all over my face.
"Feel free to ask, or don't, I'll leave it up to you. But I'd still like to start by saying I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It wasn't for your sake or ours, well, actually, I may have done it all for us, but..."
That was probably the first time I'd experienced Gellert not finding words. He was an over-the-top orator, he could win people over much better than I could, but for some reason he couldn't do it now. I felt a little sorry for him, so I took a deep breath and jumped into his speech instead.
"Thanks for the apology. But you don't have to explain it to me. You just did what you thought was right, didn't you?" I don't know why I wanted so badly to think that his intentions were nothing but great. Gellert lowered his eyes as if he had completely overheard my sentence and offered me a baked cookie. We were both silent for a moment before I asked if I could ask a question and he just nodded. So I continued.
"Where was it? And who made you do what you came back with this morning? Not all of them were wounds from the Portkey. Besides, if you had used it properly, as I'm sure you can, nothing would have happened to you. You must have gotten awfully tired and..."
"I was in Durmstramg. I remembered reading some books there. I have them with me, I wanted to pick them up. I went there, and... And I just took them." I heard something like hesitation in his voice towards the end. He was still keeping something from me, but I didn't want to overwhelm him with questions. I nodded and replayed his sentence in my head again so I could ask something other than why he wasn't telling me the whole story.
"You stole books from the library?" I pitched, as if that was the greatest sin a wizard our age could commit. I took another sip of coffee and felt myself waking up. Gellert noticed my tone and smiled wickedly.
"I didn't steal them. I just took them and..."
"And stole," I repeated again, smiling too. He didn't answer me again, just took something else out of the picnic basket.
"The books you stole, by the way, but they couldn't do to you what you came back with. I understand that some of them are aggressive, but they wouldn't do this to you. I gave a lecture in fifth grade, which I wrote myself, about the injuries books can cause. There was nothing like that. I stand by that... What, why are you laughing at me?" I asked as Gellert burst out laughing, his blonde hair falling into his eyes.
"Because you gave a lecture on the injuries that books cause. Sometimes I really think I don't understand why I love you so much when you're a total...." He stuttered in mid-sentence and I blinked a few times. We both didn't know how to respond; he loves me....
"Seriously though," Gellert broke the silence and stared off into space somewhere. "I promised you I'd answer you, and I will. I don't want to lie to you. When I was coming back, with the... I mean, the stolen books, someone saw me. I have no business being at that school, and no one wants me to show up there ever again. But it's not just that; I know the way if I showed up on my own. And nobody knows the way to Durmstrang; they say you can't apparate there and from here. But I found one place, it was quite by accident when I was in the sixth year. I went for a walk, it was cold. And I found something really weird; have you heard of cases where Muggles accidentally summon something like a portal?" Gellert looked at me, I just shook my head and he continued.
“Alright. It's a special form of magic that combines with physics, especially Muggle physics. They only differ in a few things, like their electricity and such, the laws of nature otherwise remain the same, they can't logically just change, no matter the knowledge of the Muggles or wizards. When Muggles try to introduce a signal somewhere, you know, that... line, or how else I can to explain it..."
"I know what you mean, I studied Muggle Studies for two years at Hogwarts," I pointed out, trying to ease Gellert into the story. I was absolutely fascinated by what he was saying, so I let him continue.
"Well done. And so, when they try to do this near areas that are covered in spells and enchantments, what sometimes happens is that this collapse of Muggle signal and enchantments, most often against detection, causes a sort of starburst that opens a passageway between the conjunction of one place and another. Simply, where the line of that signal begins and ends, a tiny space opens up that is capable of moving things. Muggles don't notice this because the beginnings and ends of the lines never interpose between human habitation. I think it's for safety reasons, but it's always away from people. They just have some special places to do it. And on those, no one ever notices when one little thing disappears. Those portals are no more than half an inch."
He paused for a moment, and I cocked my head to the side. "But if they're so tiny and only in remote places, how did you...."
"Wait, I'll get to it. Anyway, on a walk in Durmstramg I discovered this little place. You know I'd never leave anything alone, so I played around with it a bit. I found out that the link goes through the middle of Europe and then to London. It's not uniform. You've got to cross more than one, but I had plenty of time and I did it in the holidays. In secret, of course, I couldn't use the magic to its full potential. So I enlarged one of the portals a few months later, and managed to apparate with it."
I stayed completely silent for a moment; not only was Gellert telling me something I didn't know, which was absolutely brilliant because perhaps no one had ever done it before, but he had tried it himself and found it. I had a terrible urge to tell him how perfect he was, but I was still missing a few questions. "So when did you first try it?" I asked, looking up into his eyes, which suddenly faded and I registered his slightly embarrassed smile.
"Now," he just said, shrugging his shoulders. For a moment I didn't know whether to laugh or stupidly ask again or be angry with him, and it all manifested at once.
"Now?!" I shouted with a sort of laugh and shook my head, "you mean to tell me that you've never tried the portal before but suddenly decided it was a good idea and you've done it for the first time now?! Gellert, I would never tell you that you're stupid or that you are not thinking, because you're the only one in the world that I actually think is excessively smart and probably more so than me, but this was absolutely, positively stupid, reckless and completely DEBTFUL, and never in my life would I have thought that someone like you would just go into something that could kill you without proper research! I was worried about you, you tell me you were worried about yourself too but then you do this, this shenanigan, and you try to explain it to me? I can't lose you, you see, I don't have anyone else, my brother doesn't care about me like he should, Ariana is sick and my mom is dead, dead just like you will be if you don't start to be careful, and I just won't let that happen because I can't be without you, I can't go one stupid day without you and I love you so much I can't ignore it anymore, and... and...!!!!" I was out of words, but not just because I was stuck. I couldn't continue talking, thanks to the lack of a free mouth; I didn't even notice that I started crying out of frustration, but Gellert noticed and pulled me into first a violent hug as I struggled angrily, then lifted my chin and pulled me into a kiss.
I don't know how he does it, but this way all my frustration disappeared, all my troubles and fears simply and easily evaporated like a storm cloud in the sunshine.
He didn't let me go and I was glad for that after a long time. I didn't want to ask any more questions and I simply didn't care about anything else; I had to allow myself to feel with him now so that I could determine where we both stood with each other. I relaxed completely into his arms, letting my hands go where they wanted to go and stopped thinking. I could feel the wind weaving through my hair and his, playing with my loose sleeves that fell to my elbows every time I lifted my hands slightly to get into Gellert's hair. I didn't want to let the moment end because I knew words would come next and he would have to explain everything to me anyway. But he had a better idea and simply and easily changed the subject.
"I would never let you be alone without me. I would never die even if we had almost no chance of survival. Not as long as you were alive. I'd rather end up somewhere awfully far away from you but alive because we'd still have a chance. I'm sorry for loving you the way I do, but I can't do it any other way, and believe me, I'm sure of it. There are many things I can't tell you because it's for the greater good, and you'll be better off if you never know. Just please, please believe me that I care about you like I'll never care about anyone else, and even if I do anything wrong, it's only because I want to keep you away from this horrible thing."