The malice
/AD/
After the fight I had with my brother, I slammed the door in front of him and turned back to the bedroom, falling on my huge high bed. I passed Gellert unnoticed, focusing now on the previous fight. I concluded I was the one who was right – I really needed to care about my awards and homework, because the better I am, the better job I can get and the more money I can give to my siblings. However, it all fell down very soon, too.
“You alright?” The blonde pretty boy asked, sitting carefully, almost unsurely on the edge of my bed.
“Sort of, yeah… I am used to it,” I explained, sighing and turning my head towards him. He looked a bit displaces, very unsure and maybe even a bit annoyed. “I am sorry,” I apologised, sighing and sitting up next to him, “but fights are something we are very used to at this house. When my mother was still… was still here, we used to fight too. She, Abe and me. Because she tried to be also our father, but we both did not like him and did not want her to become him. Yet she believed it is a need, so… In addition, I still think the school is important for Abe, he is sixteen. One more year and then yeah, he can go wherever he needs to after that. However, not now. And also, the thing with Ariana…” I sighed again, gulping and trying to suppress the nervous lump in my stomach.
I should have told him sooner. Now everything is complicated and I cannot ever talk about our family properly. I took a deep breath, Gellert was listening to me with a distant look, when I mentioned Ariana, and he raised his brows.
“What is wrong with her? I figured out it must have been something serious, Albus, because every time you talk about her, you stop and look at me as if it was my fault,” he smirked, gently stroking my hand. Why he was so nice one moment and the other, he was a non-understanding cold-hearted human?
“Mhm, yeah, it is indeed something serious. Gellert, if I tell you...,” I took a deep breath, looking into his eyes with tears in mine. I have never talked about it, and opened up after my mother's death seemed to be even more complicated. How was I supposed to do that? Besides, I knew only for a few days. It was not even a week, yet I somehow knew he will stay in my life forever.
“Albus… Are you crying?” he asked softly, removing the one just fallen tear from my cheek. I shook my head, drying my eyes to a sleeve.
“No. No, it is fine, I promise. Well, if I tell you, please, you have to promise me you will not… laugh or take it somehow less seriously. Or tell it to Batty. Gellert, please, by the Merlin, you cannot tell it to Batty…” My voice cracked, but I managed to take a breath in, gulped and cleared my throat then. Gellert nodded, giving me the ‘I promise’ look. I smiled crackly and forced myself to continue.
“After she was born, everything seemed to be fine. My parents, Abe, the little precious sister and me. Happy family ever after, don’t you think? Well, I thought so. However, I could not even happily attend Hogwarts, because when I was eight, that makes Ariana four years old, there has been… An accident. She was doing some magic in the backyard, you know, we used to live in the much bigger and prettier house. Some muggle boys were following her, stalking her, I don’t really know how old they were. But they have…” I had to pause for a while; letting my friend grabs my hand and I squeezed it back kindly yet nervously. “They have done horrible things to her, Gellert… I cannot even say it aloud, please do not make me. It is just too... So disgusting, I…”
I again took a sharp breath, thinking my heart stopped for a while just by the thought of that accident. I had to dry my tears again to prevent them from slipping on my cheeks. “And since then, she can’t do magic. She refused to cast spells after what happened, after what they have done to her. Therefore, she kept the magic in herself, locked up, not letting it out by practising. You know, we didn’t know it could go so wrong. However, it did. My father went after those bastards, I think he… he cast some Crusio’s curses on them. And that sent him to an Azkaban. Forever, without a pity or chance to get back like ever. So then, there was just our mother and us, three kids. I have attended Hogwarts quite gladly, yet it left me in constant worry about Ariana and Abe. I was not sure how my mother would treat them after she was all alone and we moved here. I didn’t know if she will be able to make it, you know. However, she took good care of both of them, until Abe attended Hogwarts too, two years later than me. Mother never sent Ariana to Hogwarts, because she could not cast spells, so even the letter never came. To be honest, not so many people know we have a sister. Mother used to hide her, not wanting her to get hurt again. Besides, Ariana is happiest all alone, with us, without strangers. Aberforth can calm her down easily, by reading or spending time in the backyard or in the little stable nearby with goats. It makes her think at least about something else than her non-existing magic.
Unfortunately, I don’t know what happened that day – I was not here, I was with Elphias, packing my things for the world journey. Even Abe was not at home, and mother kind of didn’t make it I would say. Ariana got one of her attacks and practically exploded. That is… That is what killed our mother if you wondered. And this whole thing, what happened to Ariana and how she decided to hide her magic inside of herself, basically locks herself up, that makes an Obscurial out of her. Something she can not get rid of, something that will... That will..." I had to take a few more breaths, not being able to finish my sentence. Only the thought of it hurt as hell.
"...that will kill her, I see..." Gellert finished my sentence and I felt another tear slipping down my cheek. Even if he just said that, even that hurt.
After I have finished my story, none of us talked. We remained in silence until it was possible – when I could not take it anymore, I got up out of the bed, standing in front of my table and staring outside at the cherry tree. I felt Gellert coming closer to me; he touched my shoulder and leaned me against his chest. I did not turn around to hug him, since my cheeks were red and wet. I did not want him to see me like that.
“Muggle bastards,” he cursed, sighing and probably trying to understand the whole story better. I swear I could hear him smirking a bit, maybe because of confusion and shock. I could not do anything but nod.
“Yeah…,” I added lightly, taking a deep breath, suppressing all tears and focusing only on my breath now. In and out. “I wish they knew what magic is, they would never hurt her then… At least they could have been scared. But they made a fool out of her, thinking it was some sparkly trick she did not want to learn them,” I tried to turn my sadness into a wave of anger.
In and out. Gellert laughed, but it was an angry sarcastic laugh.
“You see, us hiding in front of muggles, pretending we do not exist, forcing it to muggles so they believe to that… And how does it end? One little innocent girl gets hurt and her protective father gets locked for causing justice. What a lovely world we live in, right?” I shivered, but his words hit me as a slap. He was nothing but right. If those boys knew, or if the protectiveness from muggles was good enough, I would still have a happy family. Then I imagined all those families that ended up like us because of some bullying muggle boys. I shivered in disgust and had to turn to Gellert, to hug him, to get my balance back. He did not hug me back, but he did not run away. He was there for me.
We did not have to talk to know where our minds floated. We both knew, at least now, that muggles caused us enough trouble. And that was simply just because we decided to hide, just because we were forced to live in a cage and could not stick even our pinkie out. The anger in me was raising as fire. It was eating my soul, piece by piece, consuming it and recolouring it until I knew Gellert’s whole plan was the only right thing for this world. I wanted to burn every single living muggle, let their families suffer; do them what they have done to us. I wanted them to know how it feels, what real pain is and how hard you can breathe while carrying it in your heart. I wanted them to know what it was like to have no one to take care of them at all. What it's like to have something eat their soul alive and what it's like to watch someone die before their eyes. Slowly, every day is closer and closer to death. Every hour, every minute is closer to death. How pitifully human life is short and they spend it on worthless things. I wanted to take all their things from them, tear them away from their dreams as they did me. And I knew it was all their fault. Not mine, not my family's, but only theirs.
“Come with me,” I said out of sudden, pulling myself away from Gellert, “Batty will be right over here and I am hungry. Besides, we need to prepare for tonight. Do you know how to rob a grave?”
/GG/
Although I was glad Albus’ sadness turned to rage and he saw the path clearly now, I still could not forget about the kiss. Not that I would care if it was wrong or not, because I was sure no one saw us and I personally was not making a big deal out of it – but the way it felt, the whole feeling that it left inside of me was slightly consuming me. I could not accept the fact that I should treat it as anything other than a normal kiss, the same as I ever had with anyone else. I refused to accept that Albus might see it differently. As he argued with his brother in the doorway, it at least gave me a moment to think and I took a few steps back inside, sitting on a stool and staring at the ground, pretending to be bored by their conversation. However, inside I felt like I was falling apart, it was an indescribable feeling. It was like doing something forbidden that was against me, but when I tried it I found it was like I was born for it - and it made me extremely angry and I wanted nothing to do with it, I wanted it all to forget it, throw it all away and never come back to it. But I knew Albus wasn't going to act like that and he was definitely going to go back to it; maybe worse, he'll take it seriously. No. No, I couldn't let him possess me like that. No. I'll stick to my plan and maybe give him something as a reward if he helps me. Something. I smiled to myself. It was all wrong, I should never have done it. And I was going to learn thoroughly from my mistakes. When they argued and Albus walked back in, I took a breath and smiled wryly. His story didn't really shock me as much as Albus expected, but I didn't want to seem like I didn't care. And he also needed encouragement, which I could use.
***
/AD/
After Batty’s visit and the delicious lunch she brought to us, Gellert and I rushed back to my room, gathering all books with spells we thought could be useful for tonight. I was convinced, now one hundred percent that we were doing the right thing. And Gellert seemed to be more and more obsessed, yet I did not know if he was paying attention to me or to the task. It was hard to say, as we were constantly touching our hands while rushing through books, handing papers to each other and writing with one quill. All those little touches and his whole presence kept my smile, even if I was doing it for the worst reason possible – revenge.
We managed to be done before eight o’clock in the evening and Gellert asked me if he could stop at home before we go. Therefore we met two hours later, right in the cemetery. I smiled at him nervously as he came, but he did not return the smile to me. This was the second time we met here and he seemed to be someone else. I tried to take it as something normal, considering what we were about to do. Maybe he was nervous and was acting a bit differently than me. I tried to grab his hand, but of course, I have been rejected. I sighed and rushed to him to the exact grave.
First, he turned on the light with his wand but sent a ball of light into the air above us, so that it now illuminated our entire space. I smiled because I liked it when he did magic. He seemed even more mysterious and focused than normal. He asked me to lift the lid of the tomb and so I did. I just let it levitate over the grave, I preferred to hold it with a wand - I did not want to risk making a noise. In addition, I did not want to hurt Gellert by having the plate fall on him if my spell waned.
He smiled and descended the three small stone steps down into the tomb. I preferred to send him another ball of light, a little weaker and more subtle. He nodded at me and I did not have much chance to look down behind him as I was trying to patrol and see if any of the neighbours were taking a night walk to the cemetery. I looked around, I was nervous.
"A-Albus!!!" I heard Gellert's terrified scream and immediately crouched down near the grave to see what was going on and accidentally screamed in fear. I did not have time to say a word when I heard his loud laugh. "Did that really scare you?" he whispered as he returned from the grave, carrying some sort of parchment tied with a string.
I shook my head in disbelief. "Thought..."
"What, that poor Peverell rose from the dead and strangled me? Come on, Albus... It couldn't have been worse," he laughed again, putting the grave lid back in place and arranging everything as it was. Then he turned off the light and turned to me. "I hope you didn't really mean that..."
"I was worried," I blurted out before I could think through the words. I could feel myself turning red. "I was worried about you," I admitted, swallowing loudly. I stared at the ground a little embarrassed until… Yes, he lifted my chin. My heart raced.
"About me?" he repeated and smiled, "You were worried about me?" He was almost whispering now. "That's sweet of you. No one ever worried about me," he then added and I blinked.
"That's stupid, your parents..." But then I realized that I never asked him about his parents, he never told me about them and I did not even know anything from Batty. She was his great aunt, so I assumed she was his grandmother's sister. She would then marry and move in with a certain Grindelwald, Gellert's grandfather.
“I'm sorry for…,” I whispered, not knowing how to continue. However, Gellert just shook his head and snorted.
"It's okay. Let’s go back to my place now, will you? I know it didn't go the best way last time, but…"
"I promise I won't run away this time," I finished his sentence and he laughed. And me too.
"Okay. Okay, in that case, we really should go before someone finds us here. I don't feel like explaining that-"
But he didn't have time to finish the sentence when poor Batty appeared in the cemetery. We both jumped at her voice and Gellert immediately hid the parchments behind his back and discreetly handed them to me. I had a raincoat, so I managed to hide them all in my pocket before Batty approached us. Gellert god knows why stomped on my leg with such force that I burst into tears and took my elbow.
"What on earth are you doing here at such an hour?! And you, I was so scared... You were at home, I still heard you wandering around the room upstairs - I brought you tea, but you were nowhere - I searched the whole house, the whole garden - and you are nowhere! I thought you might have been kidnapped when I rang the bell at Dumbledore's and you were not even there; you are just lucky I heard someone shuffling around the graveyard; otherwise, I would not have thought to come and see. What are you really doing here?!" The historian looked like she had just been through hell and back. I was still wiping away the tears that came from the kick.
"Batty, I know but… Albus was in a terrible state when I left… I could not take it and had to go back. He wanted to see his mother. Please forgive me…" he began to explain, and I fully understood at that moment and began to wipe my tears even more fervently to make the whole situation convincing. Batty sighed, took Gellert by the other elbow and led us both away from the cemetery. Even before that, she just gave me a pitying look.
"Oh, you poor thing. You do not know how sorry I am. You know, I would do anything if you just said... Hmm, Gellie is a very nice and polite friend as I can see, I am very glad you at least have someone here… Mhm, never mind, come to us, Albus, I spoke to your brother and he said Ariana is sleeping calmly and he will stay around for a whole night. Come, you indeed look horrible,” she added and I gulped, suppressing a laugh and punching Gellert to his chest. He seemed as if want to be buried in its place.
“So…,” I started with a mischievous smile, putting down my raincoat and handing Gellert all those papers I had in my pocket, “Gellie it is, I see…” We were both locked up in his room; Bathilda brought us tea that was standing on the window now. Gellert gave me a mixture of angry and embarrassed looks and started paying attention to our research. I flinched, laying on his huge bed, closing my eyes for a while. “You know, my foot still hurts as you stomped on it, you…” I could not think of any swear word, so I just left the sentence in the air. He gave me a ‘hold on’ sign, folded our new materials on his desk and then turned at me, flushed.
“First of all, those papers are just some stupid poems. It is useless so far. Second - don’t you dare to ever call me like-“
“Gellie?” I blinked several times, now lying on my stomach and staring at him with the same teasing smile. He closed his eyes, shaking his head and mumbling something before he hung his head down.
“Oh, lord… Yes, that… Please do not call me-“
“Dear Gellie,” I got up now, walking towards him, “you know what a problem between us is? That I don’t know what I am allowed to say or not because I am so scared I will piss you off and you will… run away and call me dumb….”
“Do you really care about being called dumb, Albie? What a shame…” he joked, obviously – his smile was suddenly wide, but he kept his hands behind his back. I was not sure what to do, I expected him to pull me closer, but he did not. I did not know where to put my own hands; I wanted to place them over him, to touch him, but I was too scared I would look… needy. In addition, it could be inappropriate.
“No, no it’s not what I care about. I just… You know, it would hurt thrice as much if it came from you. That is why I said that. In general, I don’t want you to… get pissed by me, or annoyed, or…,” I blushed, “fall out of love…” I whispered, looking down, and folding my hands. He still did not move his hands, just stretched his shoulders and smirked.
“Oh, Albus… Really? Such a romantic you are…” We both just stand in front of each other in silence for good three minutes, until he moved and pulled me closed by my shoulders. I buried my head in his chest but did not hug him back. He was also not hugging back sometimes. I raised my head after a while, looking up.
“Could I have a kiss?” I asked, tilting my head, smiling a little bit, now grabbing his shirt by the elbows. Gellert smirked again, shrugging, being somehow uninterested.
“I don’t know, could you?” He knew I would have to pull him a bit down to get one. He knew I would not start the kiss out of a sudden and he knew I wanted him to kiss me. However, he was visibly enjoying teasing me. I gulped, finding myself quite inconvenienced. And I knew I could not step back now. I licked my lips, looking at him… It did not work.
“…please?” I asked finally, shrugging and still staring into his eyes. Now he licked his lips, also shrugging and nodding.
“Mhm, I guess so?” Sure, it was not the end of the game. Well, then I want some benefits from it if I was the one who should have lost.
“Can I have the best kiss you are able to give?” I asked boldly, now staring sprightly into his eyes. He seemed to be interested now, moving his hands and grabbing my elbows too.
Was it wrong? Was it all twisted? My hands started to tremble; sweat and I had to gulp. I felt horrible, just horrible; but the worst feeling was that I actually wanted it. I felt like a house elf who did not complete his task and was about to hurt himself.
“Well since I was not able to kiss you properly yet, I am worried I cannot complete the task, mister…” Gellert smirked, also tilting his head, pulling me a little bit closer. I was amazed and scared at once when I felt his tight grip on my arms – even if I would move or try to escape, I could tell I would not be able. I had to gulp, quickly thinking – was it the right time now? Should we move to another step, to tongue kissing? Why it was such a huge step for me? Did I know it is going to be too good and I wanted to save it? And why did he want it so badly?
“Mhm, and you are a coward because you won’t even try…” I was very bold today. He raised his brows, I saw his jaws clenching.
“A coward you say, oh, well… Perhaps you don’t want me to kiss you at all, then…?”
“No no no! That’s not what I meant!” I pulled him closer again and he laughed, then quickly grabbed me by the back of my neck. It kind of shocked me, I released a whimper, blushing and a bit tensely staring into his cold eyes now. He was so close yet still so cold-hearted. I wanted him to smile so badly.
“Well, you have said that, so… There is no turning back, Albus Dumbledore. Watch your mouth the next time.” His lips were so close. I gulped, having a dry throat so it made me cough a bit. I was unsure if he is just joking or if I really pissed him off. I desperately tried to save it.
“Maybe… maybe if we-“ '
“It is okay, Albus. It is fine,” Gellert left my body completely, turning away and handing me those new parchments, “I do understand. You are hard to get, and I cannot have you all at once. It is… a pity for me, but it's making you special. I will not rush it, Albus, no; we still have plenty of time. Do you want to read those poems now?” He was so, so strange at that moment. However, I nodded, taking those poems from him; our fingers touched while he was handling it to me, and I could swear that it was for a longer time than necessary. So I looked up – maybe he was about to grab my hand, pull me closer and –
“Can you read it aloud for me, please?”
/GG/
I could not say if Albus was just being smart, attractive or seductively confused at the moment; I caught myself staring at him, biting my bottom lip, piercing him with my sight as he was reading those poems aloud:
“O years! and age! farewell:
Behold I go,
Where I do know
Infinity to dwell.And these mine eyes shall see
All times, how they
Are lost i’ th’ sea
Of vast eternity: –Where never moon shall sway
The stars; but she,
And night, shall be
Drown’d in one endless day…
This kind of sounds like someone was really scared of death…” Albus smirked, reading it once again and then folding it back on the table, before checking it again. “Hmm, are you sure this was buried with him? Because I do not think Ignotus actually lived in the seventeenth century when was this poem writ-“
“What?” I blinked, rushed to Albus, who was finally fully focusing on our research and took it from his hands. He gave it to me, looking startled as I almost ripped those pages in half by grabbing them.
“Mhm, yeah, this is from the seventeenth century, and I just said-“
“Yeah I heard you, but you know what it means? That someone was there – in the grave – before us. Someone stole there. And now it’s hard to say when, because…”
“It is really not,” Albus said, frowning and taking the parchment back. “May I? As you can see, it is quite old and wet, so it had to be there for a while… Years, maybe even. I would say someone put that in while stealing there, probably was feeling bad because of robbing his own great-grandpa’s grave… So at least wanted to show him he is also scared of death as Ignotus himself, or maybe…”
I was amazed and stopped listening half. He was just a genius, so smart and into it. He revealed that all, just by studying the paper. All my insecurities were gone by now, I was deeply focused on the poem. I re-read those phrases slowly and carefully this time, not revealing more than Albus had already done. It made me jealous and ready to start a competition. He could not be better than I could, no, not this trembling nerdy boy.
“Hmm, Albus?” I started, taking one step closer to my table. He looked up.
“Yeah?” Albus asked softly, “What is it?”
“Could you read this for me?” I handed him a book, about two hundred pages large. He looked confused, so I breathed in. “I read that last year, but I am not sure about some things there – maybe you could read it and tell me about it, so it will refresh my knowledge?”
It worked. He agreed, taking the book and putting it into the pocket of his coat. I smirked, being glad I will not have to do that. I hated reading. We spent the rest of the night re-doing my previous plans. I gave Albus some work to familiarize himself with my plan so he could truly become our plan.
I, meanwhile, embarked on another locating spell; I prepared a bowl of candles on the floor, pouring wax over it a few times and then looked at Albus; he was lying on his stomach on my bed, his auburn hair falling into his eyes and matching his skin. I smirked as he rested his face and let out a slightly bored snort.
"I need you here now," I called to him and Albus blinked a few times.
"Hmm? I was just starting to enjoy..." He was a fast learner. I smiled at his sarcastic remark and nodded at him.
"Behind me is a cabinet, it contains potions and liquids; please give me the dragon's blood," I begged him, closing my eyes in concentration, running my finger over the wax bowl a few times and chanting a few incantations. The bowl immediately caught fire around the edges.
“Here you go…” I took the dragon's blood from Albus and added three drops to the bowl. The flames turned a deep orange and settled. I could feel Albus kneeling not far from me, probably the opposite - my eyes were already closed again and I didn't want to bother opening them. I could smell him from the heat the bowl had created in the room. He smelled of old books, ink, and something I didn't know and it was starting to irritate me. It was neither sweet nor spicy; it didn't sting the nose, nor did it have a calming effect. I was currently concentrating on the localization charm, so I had to hold my breath for a moment anyway to really focus. Fortunately, Albus didn't move.
Dark. Wet. No, no... Just damp. But it's not rain, it's moisture from mould.
I inhaled, now smelling something completely different from the previous irritating smell. I automatically leaned more over the bowl, keeping my eyes tightly closed.
Still only darkness. I shook my head in confusion. Would the grave? Cellar? Attic? Another breath; no, it wasn't the attic. I didn't smell any dust or hay. Grave? A breath; no, no dead bodies, no confined space. So the basement? Why?
"Albus…" I said softly and I heard him inhale but he didn't speak, "pour in another two drops please…"
In a moment I could smell a much more distinct scent, something even flashed in front of my eyes for a moment, but that was enough for me. It was a cellar.
"Albus, the map, please... It's on the table," I asked him again and he willingly handed the map carefully into my hands. I shook my head. “Put it on the ground,” I explained, feeling the dragon's blood; I then spilt it on the map, it was more difficult due to closed eyes, but it was not possible otherwise. I waited for a while, my basement started to fog up in front of my eyes, and I almost couldn't smell the smell anymore. After a while, Albus' scent hit my nose again and I opened my eyes, staring at the map.
“Cairngorms… Those are some mountains, look…” I pointed at the map of Scotland part, raising my brows. “Well, I guess it looks like I will have to take a trip there – if it won’t be even there, I really don’t know what am I doing wrong…” I hoped Albus will help me now, but then realised he had no skills with locating spells. Well, I was half happy with what I have got now, and when checked the time, it was…
“Oh, Merlin!” Albus shockingly breathed in, “It is going to be a morning in a while! Dear lord, I am so tired…”
“Here,” I gestured on my bed, handing him the blanket, “you can take a nap. I will… Go downstairs and lays down there,” I lied, knowing I will be up for the rest of the night as always and trying to figure something out. I wanted to be sure the location is the right one, before heading there.
And I did not need to spend more time with Albus; not that I would not want to, no. But he was tired anyways, and...
I came back to my own room with sleeping Albus after a half hour. I quietly sat there, staring at him. There was something in him that I was obsessed about. I stared at him, watching carefully his every breath. In a while, I could hear his beating heart. It was beating slowly, restfully and I immediately memorized the beat. His auburn hair was shining in the mixture of moonlight and rising sun. His pinky skin on his cheeks looked so child-like, yet I recognised two little scratches from a razor. I had a strong urge to turn him on his back, look up every single detail of his body and memorize it as well. I wanted to know him, to be above him, know him better than he knows himself.
I was getting toxically obsessed.