Ephemeral

That was the last photo from his first year at Hogwarts. He sat staring at the array wishing he hadn’t let precious time go by so carelessly. Mcgonagall had been the one to take that picture. She gave it to him just after his mother died. “You’re not alone, Remus” she had said. Remus grunted as he heaved himself out of his chair. The house felt warmer despite barely anytime having passed. He traipsed into his kitchen fucking at the doorframe like always. In such a small house, his height was nothing more than a hindrance. His stomach cried out for food. The bread bin was nearly empty, just the end piece. On inspection, it had already begun to mould, his stomach growled again. If he sliced off the green bit it would be fine. He popped it in the toast and sat on the kitchen counter, half his arse in the sink, his toes brushing the cold stone as he swung his legs. The toaster was crap, so it came out almost the same as it went in. But that didn’t matter, he spread butter and lemon curd in a thick layer. There wasn’t much variety those days. It was a sorry excuse for breakfast, but he felt a little more satisfied after it. He tossed his plate into the already crowed sink and flipped his crumbs onto the already dirty floor. After a minute or two, he ventured back into the living room to begin again. At the bottom of the tin was a torn up scrap of a post card, bought by his mother at King’s Cross station.



It was still quite light outside. About 8:30 pm, the students had boarded the Hogwarts express and it was puffing away from the station. James had dragged Remus into the carriage with the other boys, they were playing exploding snap. “So Sirius, what’s going on between you and MacDonald”, Peter questioned. Remus watched Sirius’ bored expression contort into a sly smile. He shifted back into his seat, he crossed his arms and lifted his leg onto the other one. Not in the sissy way, but in the way he looked hard or he thought he did.


“I’m sure I have no idea what you mean”. Never a straight answer from him.


“Oh come off it”, Remus laughed. “Bullshit!”


“Yeah mate, everyone knows she fancies you”, James chimed in. “ So, what are you going to do about it?” James said, leaning in on him.


“Nothing” Sirius replied nonchalantly. Nobody was satisfied with his response. They spent ages trying to convince him otherwise, but he wouldn’t have it. “There’s no way if my mother found out she’d scalp her and castrate me”, Sirius chuckled to himself. “ I suppose the heir needs an heir, but "Toujours pur” those last words cut the laughter like an axe. James and Peter’s smiles faded. Once again, Remus was last to know.


“Im sorry, what?” Remus inquired, clueless.


Sirius sighed, “Toujours pur”


“It means always pure”, James asked.


“I didn’t take you for a Frenchman” Sirius smiled, lightening the room again. 


James chuckled, “oui oui monsieur!”. James didn’t speak French, it turns out. It was always pure. It referred to their long pureblood line of power. Anyone even known to fraternise with muggles or blood traitors was cast aside by the family.


The four cackled for evening away, soon it was night. Hogwarts had long since disappeared, it shrunk very small before being swallowed by the darkness. Blankets were handed out by the woman on the trolley and they were no longer permitted to leave the carriage. By the time they had all calmed down, it was pitch black in the carriage. James and Peter slept on the floor, Sirius and Remus lay on the benches. The blanket fabric was a little scratchy but it would do. He tried desperately to fall asleep but his racing mind would not give in. He had no news from his mother all year. She didn’t understand the owls. Was she well? Had she even missed him or did being away make life easier for her? Did she keep the house? James snored, it was terribly loud in such close proximity. Remus rolled over to see Sirius’ eyes on him. “Alright?” He whispered.
“ 'course”, Remus responded. “You?” He had expected a simple yes. Not Sirius was never  predictable. They spent a moment in silence.

“No” he said, his voice quivering, he released a long shaky breath. He had heard him cry only once before, just after Christmas. Remus entered the dormitory to Sirius sobbing on his bed hunched over. When he realised he wasn’t alone, he buried his face into his pillow and screamed for Remus to get out. But this time it was just slow streaming tears. They slid across the bridge of his nose, dripping down to the seat covers.

“What’s up?” He tried to sound soft and sympathetic, like Lily when Remus was upset.
“My mother and father.” There was a cool tone in Sirius’ voice and his face lost all expression. Remus knew little of Sirius’ home life. Whenever it was mentioned, he made it sound like some sick dark humour. The blacks were infamous. Even an eleven year old boy could walk around Hogwarts untouched feared or respected by students and teachers alike. But Sirius never let up a lot about his actual experiences. “Lets just say they aren’t very happy with me at the moment, I bring shame upon the noble and most ancient house of Black”

“It’ll be okay”, Remus knew immediately it was the wrong thing to have said, talking to Sirius was James’ thing. He always felt very uncomfortable when left alone with him. He fumbled over his words, never quite knew what to say.

Sirius turned and rolled away, “Yeah, whatever” he said under his breath. He wasn’t crying anymore, the tears dried on his face and eventually he fell into a deep sleep. Remus looked out the window to see the odd light rush by, nothing was recognisable. He kicked the fuzzy blanket off his legs. They were red from the itchy blanket. He had decided to sleep in his boxers and an old t shirt. He was the only one who couldn’t be arsed to get changed for the night. Too many people could see in through the window. He stepped out carefully in the small space between James and Peter. He stumbled attempting to balance. Peter stirred, James cleared his throat and went back to sleep. Relieved, he shimmied out of the slight gap he created in the door and slipped into the deserted corridor. Careful to avoid any dodgy stains in the carpet he crept down to the next car with a toilet. Everyone seem to be asleep. He swung open the door to see his often forgotten dorm mate half asleep on the toilet. “Shit sorry” Remus shouted flustered. Derek slammed the door on him and locked it. “Sorry”, Remus repeated.

The other boy stood silent until Remus heard a flush, tap and then click on the lock. “ It's alright, i was just surprised”, he made an awkward smile. 

“ Nah, I should have knocked.”

“I didn’t lock the door”, he said, walking away. Derek was nice enough but he was taken out of school a lot by his parents and he was mostly friends with Hufflepuffs, so after a few months he became mostly irrelevant. Sirius spoke to him in French sometimes and he played chess with Peter, but that was the extent. Remus entered the bathroom. It was a little dark but there was an oil lamp so he could see enough. He made sure to lock the door. Checked it twice.

When he got back into his carriage he saw Mary, sitting outside in the corridor. Unfortunately, she was in-between him and his compartment, so she was hard to avoid. “Can’t sleep?” he said hushed. She nodded, “yeah neither”. He sat down opposite her.


“I’m going to miss you, Remus.”

“Really?” He couldn’t see why, they only spent time together when Lily was involved.

“You’re the nicest of all the boys”, she said, smiling at him. He gave her an unbelieving look. “ Okay, but you’re the only one without his head up his arse. You’re not like the other boys”. She stood up quickly, messed up his hair and walked away.

In the morning, James was already up and dressed when Remus awoke. It looked about 7am. “We must be in London by now”, Remus croaked, his throat felt dry. James confirmed. By the time the witch's trolley came round with bacon baps, Peter was fully awake. Remus took three and smothered two in brown sauce. He wandered into the girls' compartment, closing the door behind him. Mary and Marlene were lying entwined with one another on one seat. Marlene looked up at him. Remus mouthed “Morning”.

“It’s okay they’re both deep sleepers”, she spoke at a normal volume.

He tried to be just quieter than her. “Oh, well, this was for Lily, but do you want it?” he stretched out the roll to Marlene. 

“Thanks, but I don’t eat meat” she said politely. 

“Okay”, He lifted Lily’s legs and sat on the bench replacing the legs in his lap. He tucked into his breakfast, unsure of what else to say. Marlene never felt compelled to fill silence, so neither of them spoke until Lily woke up. “What time do you call this?” He asked the tired girl, ridding her eyes of sleep.

“Piss off dickhead” she beamed at him.

“Oi I came here to bring you breakfast slag”, he grinned back.

“Great! I’m starving”, she took the warm roll from him. The three made bleary eyed conversation for about twenty minutes before Remus was ushered out so they could get dressed. He didn’t really see what difference it made to the lake but he complied anyway. Back in his room, Sirius was tearing chunks off a buttered roll and placing individual pieces in his mouth. 

“We’ll be pulling in in about half an hour”, James told them, looking at his watch. He was the most excited about going home. Unsurprisingly, his parents were beloved by everyone. Peter buzzed with anticipation too, it was his parents driving them back to upper Flagley. Sirius looked pale, paler than usual. Like a ghost, a shell of himself, how bad could home possibly be. 

“What are you up to this summer?” Remus asked.

“Probably a lot of quidditch with dad and helping mum at the care home and going to Italy for a couple weeks, but probably pretty boring” James trailed off at the end of his sentence, sensing Remus’ discomfort. Despite remus having asked, he felt guilty about his response. James pitied him too much, always trying to lend him a galleon and never asking for it back, accidentally getting too many cauldron cakes or quills or gobstones. “What about you?” 

“Erm not much, mostly going on walks and reading”. He felt embarrassed about his monetary situation, but he wasn’t going to lie. After all, his mother did the best she could. Peter was going to New York and Sirius back to his ancestral family home in France. His parents thought it would be best for him to connect with his roots, at this addition, James began patting him on the back.

Just as James predicted, the train stopped at Kings Cross half an hour later. Sirius hugged James so tight it looked as if his eyes could pop out of his skull, Sirius was about to travel away from his lifeline. His very heart and soul lived within James, they were brothers, where it counted. They paid no mind to flesh, blood and bone. James had a way of making people whole, healing them. Maybe he got it from his mother, who had been a healer at Saint Mungo’s most of her life. Remus collected his trunk and said a quick goodbye to the girls. Lily had kissed him on the cheek unexpectedly, James would be so jealous.

Out on the platform, the boys said more reserved goodbyes under the watchful eye of Sirius’ mother. Remus had seen her once before, she was beautiful in a way that no one should be. Like a siren or a nymph that you would follow to your death willingly. She was tall for a lady and slender too, her cheek and jaw bones could cut glass, her eyes were a pale blue that could see straight through you. If the eyes are a window to the soul, then either she didn’t have one or it was one way glass. Her hair was black and pinned up intricately on top of her head. Walburga wore a black gown straight out of the 1800’s but it suited her well. Her lips were pursed studying Sirius’ company. No one was worthy enough for her heir. Sirius gave a sullen goodbye to his friends: the blood traitor James Potter, the half-breed Remus Lupin and the disgraced witless squib Peter Pettigrew. He walked with his head down to the ground towards her. She bent down and whispered something in his ear, revealing the small boy that stood behind her. He was also striking with his traditional black features. Walburga roughly pushed Sirius’ chin up to look at her. She embraced him nervously as if she was trying not to touch him at all. Her movements were exact but not robotic. Leading the boys away, she seemed to float on air, never misstepping or looking down. “Does Sirius have a brother?” Remus said, turning to James. 

“Yes”, he said matter of factly, “Didn’t you know?” Remus' confused look spoke for itself. “He hasn’t told you about Regulus?”. Before he could say anything else, Peters' parents called him away. He gave Remus a quick handshake and ran off. Remus was left on the platform. He wandered into the muggle area to find his mother. Masses of people rushed around him and he suddenly felt very alone without other wizards, he was small. He backed up into a corner between two pillars, hoping that the crowding would cease. Afraid of being trampled, he kept on towards the wall, allowing it to graze his back. For a second there was a clearing, a path for him to cross. And there she was. Hope sat on a bench waiting for him. Their eyes locked and he dropped his case, running to her. He wrapped his arms around her and she lifted him off the ground for a moment. Her boy was home.


**

Every year Remus hated the train station. There was too much noise in big cities. Everyone seemed grey and miserable.