reatus vivorium mortuis
“Hi.”
Regulus caught the breath in his chest, blinking up at James. A world in refocus, a sky centering around the sun.
Tears dropped from James’s eyes despite his nervous laughter.
“Hi,” he said shakily. He held his hands out, as if to hold Regulus’s ghost, “Are you okay? I mean, you scared me to death there Reg, I-”
Regulus launched himself up and at James, arms catching in a tight embrace. James didn’t need to be told twice to hold on to him.
“Oh God,” Regulus stammered, “I had the most awful dream about you.”
“Well that’s not good,” James murmured softly into his hair.
“You were dead,” Regulus swallowed, “You were dead and I had killed you and brought you back. And then you killed yourself and…oh God…”
“You’re alright.”
“And my brother, he was…he was drowning in the ship and Evan…and…”
“Everything is alright now.”
“Pandora.”
Regulus broke apart, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Pandora, she was…”
James grabbed Regulus by the shoulders, steadying him.
“She’s right here,” he said, his voice breaking. Regulus opened his eyes.
Pandora was staring at her own hands, features twisted with confusion and reverence. Twists of blonde hair fell in front of her horrified eyes, white breaking through blue.
Regulus knew her panic all too well; the fear of oneself and of one’s capabilities. Being frightened of his own reflection, the shock that comes with seeing a stranger in the mirror, a phantom with his face. A face descended from lines of evil people, made to do evil things. The promise that sang in his blood, spirits whispering in his ear; You are a curse. You cannot escape your legacy.
It hurt him to know that sweet Pandora, a pentagon of joy, was feeling the way that Regulus felt most days.
“I…” she whimpered, “I don’t know what I did.”
She didn’t seem to notice Regulus’s sudden lucidity. Pandora was suddenly swallowed by stone, petrified, rattled by a power she didn’t realize she could wield.
Regulus matched her gaze. Tenderly, he took her hands in his own. A few of her nails were broken. Her left palm was slashed, not yet scabbed over. Evan’s knife lay abandoned by her right hand.
A fresh cut. Regulus looked down at the skin above his heart.
A perfect handprint, stamped in Pandora’s blood.
Regulus' voice was a dangerous whisper.
“You brought me back.”
Pandora squeezed her eyes shut as if she had a terrible headache. Her lower lip quivered and she began to cry. She tore her hands from Regulus and covered her mouth, silencing her sobs.
Regulus pulled her into his chest.
“I’m sorry Reggie,” she weeped, “I’m so sorry. I…”
Regulus shushed her. James kindly laid a hand on Pandora’s back.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” Regulus said.
“Oh God, Reggie.”
“It’s fine, Dora. I’m alright. Don’t you see?”
“I’ve made you a ghoul!” Pandora wailed, “He told me not to do it. Remus told me not to try…but oh God, I couldn’t just let you die Reggie, I couldn’t!”
“I understand.”
“No!” Pandora pushed away, “No, you don’t understand! How could you possibly understand?!”
She shook her fists out in front of him.
“I’ve given you a fate worse than death, Regulus!”
Regulus tried to pull her closer, but she resisted, slamming her fists into his chest.
“Stay away from me!”
She shrugged off James’s hand. He let it fall into his lap.
“Pandora, please.”
“Stay away,” she cried, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You haven’t hurt me!” Regulus patted his face, his hair, his heart, trying to demonstrate his well being. Pandora seemed only dimly assuaged by his efforts.
Regulus held out his palm to her, slowly, as if he were inviting a tiger to dance with him. His skin was pale and nicked with scratches, but it was soft with blood and life and that was all that mattered.
Pandora allowed herself to be held. Over her shoulder, Regulus locked eyes with James, who seemed less shocked than contemplative, Regulus’s resurrection a new problem for him to solve.
“I didn’t even see her do it.” James said softly. It explained everything and it explained nothing.
Regulus didn’t offer any reaction.
“Do you feel any different?” Pandora sniffed and broke away, “Do you feel anything’s wrong?’
There was a question. Regulus rolled his shoulders, a flush of soreness blooming across the blades of his back. His legs shook, his bones ached. His mouth was blue from the cold, waves of ice spreading dripping down his neck. Everything felt stiff from his long plunge in the sea. Excluding his ominous terrors while he had been, apparently, dead; he couldn’t recall much at all.
Only the fear of losing his friends to much worse fates than his own.
Of losing James.
“No,” Regulus replied honestly, “No. I don’t.”
“Nothing at all?” James pressed.
Regulus chuckled bitterly.
“I’m still a bit cold.”
Pandora giggled, the light sound of her laugh hindered by drying tears.
“Me too Reggie,” she said, as James helped the both of them stand, “Me too.”
“Let’s get below decks,” said James. He started to guide Regulus and Pandora to the stairs, “We need to assess damage.”
Regulus glanced back to Narcissa’s Revenge, looming still and grey in the low haze of twilight. The ships had drifted apart slightly, in the confusion of cannon blast, and thus it was now impossible to make the cross either way. Malfoy couldn’t reach them.
For now.
Regulus thought of Peter and Barty, their dying bodies twitching on that desolate ship in the distance. He would need to tell James the truth of Peter’s betrayal. He would need to tell Pandora and Evan of Barty’s demise.
Reatus vivorum mortuis, Regulus recalled bitterly. The debt of the living to the dead.
Regulus let the dank warmth of the hull consume him.
It was a combination of unfavorable conditions that pushed everyone below decks; the impending darkness of night, the hammering rain, the rock of cannon fire that came without warning. The hull pulsed with unused energy, a crowd of fidgety pirate souls being forced into confinement. Doors were thrown open in haste for supplies. Mary was rummaging in a closet for God knows what. Regulus could hear Evan and Dorcas shouting at someone from down the hall.
That someone, Regulus discovered, was Lily. She was blocking the one closed door in the hull, her back pressed flat to the wood. Evan seemed to have relented; he was leaning against the wall across from Lily, leering in her general direction as Dorcas needled her for information. Lily was as calm and still as her figurehead on the front of the ship.
“Why can’t we see him?”
“See who, exactly?”
“Sirius of course!”
“You have no need to see him.”
“We need to speak to him about Regulus.”
“He’s busy.”
“With what?”
“None of your business.”
“It’s important! We thought he was dead!”
“I know,” Regulus chimed in as he approached them. James had an arm slung around his waist, helping Regulus stand, so he appeared to be in even worse health than he sounded.
Evan immediately enveloped him in a hug. Dorcas grimaced at Lily and began to blabber at Regulus, this time, in French.
“Who is this girl?”
“A friend.” Regulus responded in French as well, soft syllables and rosy lilts tumbling easily from his tongue.
“She won’t tell us anything.”
“What is there to tell?”
“Your brother is alive.”
“I know,” Regulus repeated.
“You know?!” Dorcas was astonished.
“Of course I know. He’s been on the ship the time I’ve been here.”
“And you didn’t tell me!”
“It didn’t exactly seem important at the time.”
“Dorcas,” Evan interrupted, pulling away from Regulus to glare at Dorcas, “It is not the time.” His French was low and lazy, spoken with even less care than his English.
Dorcas threw up her hands. Pandora flew to her side and they began to whisper to each other; Pandora comforting, Dorcas riled.
“I thought you were dead,” Evan admitted.
“So did I.”
“This is all very confusing. We’re not sure of our place here.”
“It took me a long time,” Regulus said, “But it will come.”
“The girl is keeping us from the rest of the ship.”
“What is he saying?” James asked hesitantly.
Evan ignored him.
“You said we could trust these people,” Evan looked Regulus hard in the eye.
“You can.”
“Oui,” Evan said, “Mais pouvez-vous?”
Yes, but can you?
Regulus nodded.
“I can trust them.” He said, in English, for James’s benefit.
“C'est votre choix.”
That is your choice.
“Evan,” Regulus said, “Don’t be this way.”
“There is a man dying in there,” Evan peered over Regulus’s shoulder at James, “Isn’t there?”
James cast a panicked look at Lily. She avoided his gaze.
“I should think you would care enough about Regulus to let him see his brother one last time,” Evan’s tone was neutral, bothered only for Regulus’s sake.
“Lily, what-” James stammered.
“It’s not Sirius,” she said flatly, “It’s Remus. He’s gone sick.”
Dread cleaved into James like a knife into a block. Despite Lily’s particular mask of apathy, James knew her well enough to know she was concerned. More concerned than she ought to have been if Remus had simply ‘gone sick.’
“Will he be alright?” Regulus asked Lily. Still, she was silent for a fleeting moment.
“I think it would be best,” she said carefully, “If he were left alone for a bit.”
“Is Sirius in there?” said James, “What happened?”
“He collapsed,” Lily explained, cool as a nurse, “The water…he didn’t get warm as soon as he should have.”
“But he was only in there for a minute at most.”
“He was,” Lily agreed and turned her attention to Regulus, “You were submerged for much longer.”
Regulus didn’t acknowledge Lily’s thin accusation, but rather let it settle over him. She knows, he thought miserably, she had to know.
James rolled right past it, “Lily,” he said, strained with concern. With everything that had just happened, Regulus could tell he was teetering on the edge of a breakdown himself. James was strong, far stronger than most gave him credit for, but his spirit could only last so long.
Regulus was dead. Then he wasn’t. And now Remus could be next; an endless loop of heartache, it was for James. A ceaseless ocean of suffering that threatened to trip him up.
Lily looked down at the floor. Finally, she ceded.
“Crew only.”
She parted with the door. James immediately flew through the frame. Regulus started to follow after him, but Lily put her hand to his chest.
Regulus dipped his head to look at her, his ashen eyes dejected.
“I’m not crew?” he said smally. Regulus doubted he would ever be sure of where he stood on the ship, where he stood in the world. Doubt, thick and shapeless, clouded every interaction he had.
Lily let a smile touch her lips.
“Of course you’re crew, Reg,” she said, “But we should let the three of them be. Besides…”
Lily nodded to the side, where Evan, Dorcas, and Pandora were huddled together in their own conversation.
“Your other family needs you,” Lily noted peacefully.
“You’re my family too,” Regulus said, a bit desperately.
“Yes,” Lily squeezed his shoulder, “But you have to remember; you became my brother the day they lost theirs.”
Regulus closed his eyes. Brother, he thought, was a good thing to be again.
“They need you,” Lily repeated, not unkindly, “They need to know you haven’t given up on them.”
“I haven’t,” Regulus assured her.
Lily let a pause come between them.
“I didn’t know you spoke French,” she said ironically. Regulus chuckled.
“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.”
“You’ll tell me, though, won’t you?”
“All of them?”
“The important ones at least.”
The veil through which they spoke was weak, Regulus knew, but necessary. Lily was too smart to pretend ignorance for the sake of softening the blow.
“Yes,” Regulus conceded, “Yes, I will. But I have a feeling you know well enough what else there is to say.”
Lily nodded, “I’d still like to hear your side of the story.”
With that, Lily walked off in the direction of the galley, leaving, as she promised, her boys to be together. She trusted Regulus to do the same.
Did she already figure out Peter? Regulus wondered, Or me?
He tried not to let his suspicions imbibe his already fragile psyche and started to corral his friends into the nearest cabin.