every breath
Remus threw himself over the side of Lady Lily without hesitation. He was the strongest swimmer, he knew, and had the best chance of successfully pulling Regulus and the girl out of the choppy storm tide and back up on deck.
He knew he had to act quickly, because Regulus couldn’t swim. He didn’t know about the girl, but prayed she fared better than he.
He knew Sirius couldn’t swim either, but would have rather died alongside his brother trying to save him than willing sit helpless. So, he did the responsible thing and shoved Sirius into the captain’s quarters, locking the door from the outside. Sirius’s screams, rough and animal and relentless, nearly tore through Remus’s constitution, every fist hitting the wood another nail in his heart.
I’m doing this for him, he thought. But that wasn’t entirely true. He was also doing it for James, who, if Remus hadn’t done so first, would have followed exactly the same plan. Remus couldn’t live with himself if he let James betray Sirius by crippling his ability to fight for his family.
He, on the other hand, could live with pretty much anything.
A ruined man was not so sensitive to his own capacity for ruination. He was broken, he believed, and thus could only break in return. Sirius would hate him for this, be revulsed by every scar on his body, and despise him forever. Sirius would hate him, but he would be alive.
It was worth it.
For him, Remus could survive the loathing, Sirius’s and his own.
Somewhere in his mind, he also knew that intrinsically and ephemerically, every moment they shared together was borrowed, bound for the grave. Buried, practically speaking, waiting for dirt to be heaped atop the coffin of memory and lowered solemnly into the ground.
Till death do us part was not a promise of the body, but of the soul, one that would have eventually grown tired of Remus and his pains.
He was a fool to ever think otherwise.
If he was being completely honest with himself, he didn’t exactly recall all that had happened. Only that he had acted, acted fast, and before anyone could stop him, he had swung from Lady Lily and dropped into the unforgiving sea. Another blink and someone was pulling him back up the rope onto the ship, this time with the girl and Regulus. The girl could swim and clutched the rope, teeth chattering, while Remus had Regulus situated against him, his hands bound above his head and looped around Remus’s neck.
Another blink and Regulus was motionless on the deck, his eyes fluttering. Evan was shaking him, urging him to cough up the blood and water in his lungs. Regulus, in a moment of temporary lucidity, did so, before blacking out. He mumbled even as his mind slipped away. Pandora was also by his side, pleading to a body.
Remus himself coughed over the side of the deck. He was riddled with chills, shaking relentlessly. He needed to get warm, he knew.
He didn’t deserve it, he thought.
“What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!”
Remus whipped around and was promptly shoved back into the railing by James. He fisted his hands in Remus’s shirt and pushed him again.
“You had no right,” James growled, “You had no right to do that! I was going to go after them!”
Remus kept his features schooled, his tone neutral and calming.
“I know, James.”
“You could have been killed. You could have drowned!”
“I know James.”
“Regulus could have drowned, you all could have died!”
“James!” Remus interjected, “I know, okay? I get it. I knew the risks and I did it anyway.”
“I was going to go after him!”
“But you didn’t.”
“Because you wouldn’t let me!” James released him,suddenly remembering, “And Sirius, good God, he must be going into a state. How could you do that to him?!”
“It’s done, James,” Remus breathed, “It’s done.”
“I promised him I would always come back for him.”
Remus sank down against the rails. James let him.
“It’s not done,” James continued, “He’s going to be alright. We can fix this.”
“He was shot, James.”
“Lily can fix him.”
“James-”
“Just…shut up a minute, will you?” James narrowed his eyes. Remus’s chest hurt with guilt, “I think you’ve done enough. We’ll talk about this later.”
“Please, Prongs, it was the only way. You have to believe me-”
“Go get Sirius.” James commanded, “I’m not ready to talk to either of you right now.”
“He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“No,” James agreed, “But I can’t just as well look him in the eyes knowing his brother might be dead.”
James walked away then, towards the spot on deck where Evan and Pandora crowded around. His stride was labored, Remus could see, debilitated by uncertainty.
Remus rose as well, slowly, so as not to make himself nauseous. All the same, bile climbed up his throat. He spit into the sea and went to go uncage Sirius.
Lily fluttered by, racing up from below decks, her medical bag slung over one shoulder. She stopped Remus in this track. Her fingers found their way to the pulse in his neck. Remus let her count his heartbeats, shallow and rattled as they were.
Neither of them spoke at first.
“You did what you had to do,” Lily whispered, her eyes a painfully bright shade of green in the storm light. Remus closed his eyes and she, too, went to see after Regulus.
Remus rested his forehead against the door of the captain’s quarters. Sirius’s hand smacked against the door on the other side, rattling the frame. Remus inhaled deeply through his nose and exhaled slowly through parted lips, almost as if he were dragging on a cigarette. But no warm smoke filled his lungs. His ribs felt cavernous, gaping. The sea had sucked the soul right out of him.
“Sirius,” he croaked, “Sirius, please.”
“Open the door!” Sirius howled, louder this time, “Open the door, get me out, I need to go get him! I need to get him!”
“Sirius, he’s okay,” Remus said weakly, “He’s okay, I brought him up.”
“I need to get him-”
“Lily is set to fixing him up.”
“Open the door Moony I’m not fucking around-”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?!”
A sob choked through Remus’s body. He couldn’t stop shaking.
“Please, Sirius…”
“Moony, open the door.”
“You’re going to be so angry with me.”
“Open the door! Let’s just talk.”
“You need to know…”
“Know what? Moony, open the door and talk to me, damn it!”
Remus slid the key into the lock. He struggled to turn it even halfway, his hands were seizing from the cold.
“Know that I did it for you both.” Remus whispered.
“What are you saying-”
“You only just got each other back.”
“Remus, open the door.”
“I had to do it for you both.”
“Moony!”
Remus exhaled again. That one might have been my last, he thought.
He finished the turn. Sirius threw the door open to see Remus slouched against the doorway, twitching violently, chills racking through his narrow frame. His teeth cracked against each other, lips blue and bitten.
They met eyes for but a second.
“I love you,” Remus said softly, “With every beat of my heart and with every breath I have”
Sirius only just managed to lurch forward and catch Remus before he collapsed.