the only brave thing
Before scaling the mainmast to the crow’s nest, Marlene and James insisted they be the ones to outfit Regulus for his first potential dogfight. They pushed Regulus down to the hold and forced him to help rifle through crates of old digs and mementos from raids past.
“Aw, I remember this,” Marlene cooed, brandishing an axe, “This was from that Nordic ship we sacked. In the North Sea.”
“You never forget your first,” James sighed romantically. Regulus scoffed.
“I knocked him in the head with his own chopper,” Marlene ran a loving finger down the scuffed steel blade, “He bled all over me. It was glorious.”
“Oh this is a good one, speaking of firsts,” James held up a teal colored coat, adorned with dozens of gold medals and woven shoulders, “Nicked this off of a Russian prince.”
“No you didn’t!” exclaimed Marlene jealously.
“I did!”
“A prince?”
“Heir to the Lantsov line.”
“Bloody fuck, that’s cool.”
James began to unpin the medallions and tear off the epualettes. When he was satisfied with his work, he chucked the coat at Regulus.
“For you,” he said.
“This is yours, James-”
“And now it’s yours,” James took the jacket from Regulus and stood behind him, holding it up so Regulus could shrug it on, “It goes with your eyes.”
“My eyes are grey.”
“Can you just shut up and take the damn coat?” Marlene called out, her head stuck in another box.
Regulus pulled up the collar, grinning despite himself. It was a pretty badass coat.
“If you blokes are going to flirt, I’m leaving,” Marlene complained.
“Totally not flirting,” James ruffled Regulus’s hair.
“Yeah, looks like it.”
“Best of mates, us two,” Regulus blushed fiercely as James started obnoxiously running his hands all down Regulus’s chest.
“I’ll not be confronted with my own loneliness in this way! I’m not kidding James, if you try to fuck Reg then I’ll be one of the last single mates on this ship. Seriously, stop putting in a shift this minute or I’ll get depressed,” Marlene protested.
“Who? Me? I wouldn’t dare,” James said defensively and then kissed Regulus full on the mouth. Marlene booed him and stalked out of the hold, swinging her axe.
James pushed Regulus away, the two of them immediately doubling over with laughter. When they regained their breath, James pulled Regulus back in by the waist.
“Stay still,” James pulled out a belt with an attached scabbard and looped it around Regulus’s waist, “Lily told me you’ve gotten quite good with the short sword.”
“Not better than her.”
James scoffed, “No one’s better than her.” Regulus tossed his head, hoping to hide the flush of envy that came over him, a switch James was too quick to miss.
“Not even Remus,” James continued reassuringly, “Wait until you see him with his sabre. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen.”
“And you,” pondered Regulus, “What’s your poison?”
James smiled, “I’ve been trying out a cutlass, but it hasn’t really taken. I don’t like fighting all that much.”
“James. You’re a pirate.”
“Ironic, right? You can give a bloke a cutlass, but you can’t make him brave,” James’s laugh was unconvincing.
“I think you’re the bravest person I’ve ever known,” Regulus said, in that flat, but sincere, way he tended to deliver his compliments. James brushed it aside, focusing on tying the scabbard, “I mean it James. You’re...bold. And fearless.”
“Oh I have fears. Lots.”
“Like what?”
“I was afraid to kiss you, for one.”
Stillness. Regulus swallowed, “You’re afraid of me?”
There, thought Regulus, The ugly truth James keeps telling me about. I am a curse.
The way James’s eyes instantly softened nearly broke Regulus’s heart.
“No,” James said, “God no, Reg. Only afraid that I would have offended you in some way.”
“Obviously you didn’t,” Regulus huffed, only slightly relieved.
“Obviously I didn’t,” James repeated, “That might have been the only brave thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
“You put up with me, James,” said Regulus, “That is a much braver thing to subject oneself to.”
Suddenly, James lurched forward and pulled Regulus into his arms tightly. Unyielding.
“Never say that Regulus.” James whispered harshly, sadly, even, “That’s not true. That’s a terrible thing to say. I could never just put up with you.”
Regulus was too shocked to move, to speak.
“I want you. Want. Do you understand that? I want to be around you all the time. I miss you when you’re gone, I worry about you. It’s like you’ve crawled inside my bloody skin. I feel physically fucking ill without you, Reg.” James forcibly peeled himself away, keeping his hands on Regulus’s face and looking him dead in the eyes.
“Don’t do me the dishonor of thinking I just tolerate you. I practically worship the planks you walk on, got it?” James finished.
Regulus could only nod his head mutely. James kissed him again, desperate and bruising.
“Regulus, I…” James gasped, “I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel any less than that.”
“S’okay James.” Regulus barely managed to get the words out, “It’s okay.”
No one had ever said such a thing to him, not so expressly and obvious. To want. To need. It was a foreign sentiment, to Regulus, a language he never learned, but always watched people speak. Lily spoke it to Mary. Remus, fluent in the tongue, constantly agonizing over everyone, his wringing hands made for holding. James’s body sang with such words, screamed them into the sky. James’s love was the ocean; constant, binding, blue with mercy. How Regulus deeply wished he could appreciate it all, in its many coves and currents.
Regulus wished he could swim.
Remus wanted to be the one to talk to Regulus before he ascended to the crow’s nest. Remus’s anxiety was at an all time maximum, radiating off of him in waves that made Regulus’s skin itch.
They stopped at the foot of the mainmast. The rain had lessened, but not for long.
“Regulus,” Remus began, “I had a long talk with James and-”
“We’re fucking,” Regulus said simply.
“Yes…” agreed Remus, hesitantly, “James mentioned that.”
Regulus shrugged, “Thought I should tell you.”
“Okay. Thanks for the honesty, I guess,” Remus continued, shaking his head, “I had a long talk with James and we both think this is the best path to take. He said that you’re owed the truth.”
“I am.”
“If you’re not ready-”
“I am.”
Remus wanted to scream at him to stay on deck, defy James, prevent the storm from crashing in. But he only nodded up the mainmast.
“Then go get it.”
Regulus began to scale the mainmast. As he crawled closer and closer to the stars, he noticed a piece of metal strapped to the basket, shining in the gloom. Silver. A mask.
Padfoot’s mask. Waiting for him.
Regulus picked up his pace. Nearly in his grasp, yet infinitely far away. The key to his suspicions, unlocking his worst fear.
What if he was wrong? Then Padfoot was just a man and Regulus was just the same fool he’d always been, throwing himself at the night sky and hoping he’ll stick.
And if he was right? Then he had somehow survived the pirates, the sea spitting him out onto Lady Lily’s deck the same way it had led Marlene. His brother, unthinkably washed up on Regulus’s shore.
Regulus’s fingers closed around the silver mask. He hauled himself up and into the basket.
Sirius Orion, Duke and heir to the Noble House of Black, had beat Regulus to the crow’s nest. The smoke from his cigarette carried in the wind, his dark hair damp and tussled. Impossibly and undeniably himself.
Regulus tossed the mask into his brother’s lap and sat down. Slowly, he leaned his head against Sirius’s shoulder and breathed.
“You came back for me.”