Sirius
There was nothing more Sirius Black hated than this house.
Okay, not entirely true, really it was the fact that no matter how absolutely bloodthirsty its walls were, he missed it and that's what he hated the most.
Alcohol made it better.
Or at least it couldn't make it any worse.
He’d come to the party at the request of his brother and despite their differences and issues in the past, he would always be there if Regulus asked, so he was. When his parents found out through a snappy three worded message that their disowned son was going to return, they of course, wanted a private meeting beforehand.
Going into it, he didn’t know what he had expected in the first place but he supposed it was good for him, being there would remind him of all the reasons he left.
Flashes of memory intruded its way into his brain. Some were true and others were falsely concocted by some psychological science that he had no time to unpack, because tonight was not the night to think about that.
So he sent the thoughts away screaming into the little box in his mind and like magic there was nothing else left to think about. Slowly, the sickness he felt in his stomach faded away.
He’d left James a while ago and now he was just floating about, off to do who knows what. He didn’t exactly have a plan.
His parents hadn’t made their presence known downstairs yet and he brought up the jeering image of them both upstairs somewhere arguing on the most extravagant way to arrive. Master and Madame Black, he thought, fuck them both.
Sirius knew most of the people here and even the faces that remained unfamiliar knew him or of him. In a good way or a bad way, he couldn’t tell the difference at this point.
“Sirius”
“Andromeda,” He smiled genuinely at hearing his cousin's voice appear beside him.
“I heard you’d be here.”
“Oh, didn’t you know Andy? I’m famous.”
“Are you here for Reg?”
“Are you here for me?” He turned to her and questioned back, raising an eyebrow.
Andromeda was the first of them he supposed; the first to leave or the first to be cut out of every family portrait and burned off of every wall, honestly the lines were getting blurry.
Sirius was ten when it happened and he remembers vividly the day their family came over and ripped every last fragment of her away. He remembered he cried the entire night, silently of course because why mourn someone who doesn't exist, his father had scolded. All their talk of family and blood being thicker than water or some made up bullshit and yet it still came to him as a shock the day it happened to him. James was the first person he went to after all of it went down but Andromeda was a quick second and he was forever thankful for her.
“You know we’ve got to have each other’s backs.” She smiled at him then looked to where Regulus was dancing with his peculiar friend. Out of the few friends Regulus kept, he liked Pandora most, she was good for him. She was there when he couldn’t be and he was grateful for that.
“Are they two-?” Andromeda asked, drawing an invisible line between them with her finger.
“No, no. Or not that I know of.” He shook his head. He’d actually asked Regulus about it multiple times and was shut down repeatedly, claiming they both strictly had their reasons. Whatever that meant.
“Oh okay, and what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Anyone you fancy?” She raised her eyebrows in interest, “some pretty bloke come to sweep you off your feet yet or have you swept them off theirs?”
“Andy!” He looked at her in faux shock, “I’ll have you know that I am free as a bird right now and am not looking for anything or anyone, except maybe another glass.” She laughed and gestured to the server bringing over a tray.
“How many of those have you had?”
“One.”
“Liar.”.
“Hey, we’re Blacks, what did you expect,” He laughed this time, “don’t ask what you don't want to know”
“Oh hell no,” she retorted, holding up her left hand, moving her fingers to show off her lovely wedding band which wasn’t even a year old yet.
“My apologies, Madame Tonks, how could I forget,” He rolled his eyes, “you have been stolen away”
“Yes, yes I very much have.”
“Oh god no and you’re smiling like a fool.” Because she was.
“How is Ted?” Sirius asked on the topic. He very truthfully liked Ted Tonks. He was amazing and kind and had the most amazing golden hair. She’d met him when they were still in school and were classically and properly in love since and despite all the trouble that lay in Andromeda’s wake, he’d asked her to marry him last year.
It was a lovely small event and he thought that if Andromeda was ever to be stolen away, he was happy that it was Ted.
“He’s great,” Ugh she smiled more just talking about him, “He really wants to see you guys again, you and Reg should try and come round soon and bring your friends. He wanted to come tonight but, you know.”
Yeah, Sirius did know.
“Mm, have you talked to them yet?” He asked the inevitable, watching the party continue around them. He hadn’t even touched this glass yet but for this conversation it would have to go.
“No.” She looked down at her dress, “I kind of hoped they wouldn’t show, I know, it's silly.” It was a bit silly, of course they’d be here.
“Have you?” She asked, making him feel sick all over again.
“Yeah, Maman requested a private before this.”
“Are you okay?” Concern written on her face but not of pity, of a mutual understanding that said I’ve been there too .
He didn’t want to answer because in truth they both already knew the answer. No, he wasn’t okay. He hadn’t been okay in eighteen years. Slowly he felt all the things in his head, clawing their way out uninvited.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Hey, you can talk to me, you know.” She whispered calmly, waiting for him to meet her halfway. He appreciated it but the thing was, he just didn’t want to.
“I know,” because he did know, “but not right now.” He drank the glass clean and put it on a nearby window sill, looking for another.
“There is actually something I wanted to talk to you and Regulus about,” She knowingly changed the topic, her tone becoming a bit more excited, “doesn’t have to be now or anything but still.”
“Yeah, of course,” He watched Regulus again, who, like himself, had checked the grand doorway that led from upstairs seven times in the last minute. “Have you been to see him yet?”
“Yeah, he saw me at the door when Kreacher wouldn’t let me in and told him to bugger off.” She laughed, “but nicer, you know Reg.”
“It's a shame,” Sirius tsked, “the man’s so nice when he’s not following orders.”
The lights suddenly lit back up and the music slowed, making Sirius’ eyes ache. People slowed their dancing and brought what they were doing to a halt and all eyes went to the same place.
“Oh, kill me now.” Sirius whispered distastefully.
Walburga Black walked down the stairs first, in some black, grotesque, and ruffled gown with her hair spun upwards into a traditional knot. How fucking on brand. Orion was quickly beside her, offering a presentable hand which she took delicately, in a way Sirius knew first hand she was never capable of being and Sirius almost laughed.
Toujours pur, more like toujours pour le spectacle .
His eyes flickered over the crowd for a moment and knowingly caught Regulus’. His posture was straighter than before and there was a feeling so uncomfortably… there. A silent and quick glance that they’d shared hundreds of times before, but enough to know what they were both thinking.
When they finally came down the stairs, Walburga snapped her fingers and a glass was immediately placed between Orions’s fingers. The crowd welcomed them in awe, sending their best compliments and taking turns shaking their hands.
Walburga basked in it all and then scanned the room sharply as Sirius watched her, almost daring her to look at him, but instead she outstretched her jewelled hand towards someone else.
Everyone’s eyes followed in her direction as she gestured for her son to join her.
Sirius saw Regulus almost flinch, but he didn’t, because they both knew better than that. So, reluctantly and ignoring Pandora’s grip around his hand, Regulus broke free of it to join their mother. People made a path for him as Walburga took her son by arm to stand beside her, to wear him like another jewel on her finger.
“As the most ancient house of Black, it brings me great honour to welcome you all here tonight” She said in such a feigned voice that it caused chills to prick on Sirius’ skin, “and may I take this time to introduce my only son, Regulus Arcturus Black, heir to everything that I am.”
“What the fuck am I? Invisible.” Sirius mocked under his breath, unable to look anywhere else.
Andromeda grabbed his hand discreetly, grounding him, “No, not invisible.”
The crowd applauded and before long, they joined their guests and the music continued, distracted by the attention long enough for Regulus to slip through their mother’s clutches, disappearing into the masses.
“I should go check on him.” Sirius' eyes’ following him out, the instinctive protective need to chase after him already itching at him.
“Sirius, just give him a minute.”
He knew she was right, Regulus preferred being alone. It was the only thing they both knew how to do well and after so long of it, it was a hard habit to break, no matter how much Sirius wished he could.
“Pads,” Sirius heard James before he saw him, swerving in between people to reach him and Andromeda. “hey, where’ve you been? you just disappeared?”
“Sorry.” Came instinctively.
Sirius didn't always know why he felt this compulsive need to apologise for things, whether it was something he did or not, but he did and it spilled out of him so easily by now.
“Don’t be,” He smiled when he reached them and saw Andromeda, tilting his head low in a polite greeting. James had picked up on some unnecessary manners tonight and though Sirius knew it was partially James’ nerves talking, it didn’t make it any less humorous to watch, “Andromeda, pleasure as always.”
“Oh no, this place is corrupting you.” She teased, putting a stop to his gesture and wrapping her arms around him, covering his ears, “Sirius, what have you told the poor boy?”
“I did nothing! He’s the one who insisted on relearning formalities.” He defended with his hands up to his chest.
“Okay, calm down, I just haven't been to one of these since I was like twelve.” James laughed, swatting playfully at Sirius.
“Well if it means anything James, I’m sure everyone else is pleased by it,” She swirled her untouched drink in her hand, “but tell me how you’ve been! Is Sirius being a proper menace? What trouble have you two caused now? Oh, I ache for your poor mother”
“ I am an exemplemantary honorary son, I’ll have you know.” Sirius gaped.
“I wish I could disagree but he is,” James laughed, “I think my mum likes him more than me but ,” he paused, “he does have a habit of stealing my clothes.”
“Ah- borrowed.”
“Is this you implying you’ll give them all back?”
“Yes.”
“Liar.”
“Fine, I’m a thief!” Sirius let out bubbly, “Add it to the list.”
They both went back and forth a few more times, playful banter bouncing between them and there was something magical about how just talking to James seemed to diffuse the tension and anxieties they both were holding onto.
“Wait, what happened up there with Regulus?” James asked once they settled down, “Those were your parents right?”
Sometimes Sirius forgets that although James’ family is almost just as well known as everyone else here, they tend to keep out of this particular social circle, not that he can blame them. In fact, James didn’t know a lot of these people and had only ever heard of Regulus and his family through Sirius, which isn’t a lot as he tends not to talk about them. He knows Andy, Ted and Peter but that’s pretty much it.
“Only by blood, let's keep in mind.” Sirius jokes half heartedly.
“Oh, of course.” He agreed fervently.
James knows when not to push it, or he’s learned not to and a part of Sirius appreciates that because although James, out of all people, knows all about Sirius’ family problems, he truthfully can not get into all of that right now.
Only a few more hours and this all be another bad dream, he reminds himself.
James turns to Andromeda and she gives up the words that Sirius didn’t want to admit, “They’ve just publicly declared Regulus their only son and successor to everything, now that he’s coming of age, sort of speak.”
Only son.
Sirius left more than two years ago and disowned them as much as they disowned him, hell, he even watched them rip his name off the family tree himself, so why did this still sting?
Only son.
“Oh.” James looked at the ground then back at Sirius, “You alright?”
He knew James meant well but this was not the time. He could hear the nails against the steel bars going off in his head, intruding and breaking free.
Only son.
“Where's Pete?” He asked instead, blinking hazily into the change of topic quickly, “It's almost been uh, an hour in, hasn’t it?”
“Ran into him when I was looking for you, I think he said he forgot something at home so he borrowed my car.” James checked his watch, “But he should be back pretty soon now.”
“Oh- if you boys will excuse me, I’m in desperate need of the toilet,” Andromeda sighed in realisation and wrinkling her nose slightly, “though I am not looking forward to dealing with this mess,” She made a hand motion towards her gold layered dress that gathered quite prettily in the back, handing off her full drink to James. “Take this will you? You can have it.”
“You sure?”
“If you don’t want it, I will,” Sirius grabbed it from his hand.
“No, you’ve had enough, I’m cutting you off” She stole it back, giving it back to James.
“Buzz kill! How am I to survive without it!” He called after her as she waved him away, bee-lining a quick route to the bathroom. He was only partly joking.
When she was well away, he took it back from James and downed it before he could be scolded.
“Okay, now you’re cut off.”
He feigned a small gasp to which James shook his head, “I knew Andy would order such crude things but you , James? That’s pure betrayal”
“No, that's me watching out for you. Prick.”
James gave him a look that reminded him of Euphemia and Sirius grumbled something under his breath but he didn't argue.
After a beat of quiet he pushed himself off the wall, “You’re all right here? I think I’ll go check on Reggie now.”
“Yeah, sure, you want me to come?” James followed suit and his brows noticeably furrowed together.
“Nah, I’m not even sure if he wants to see me right now but I’m his brother, y’know?”
“Yeah, of course.”
Sirius patted him on the back and prepared himself for the journey across the floor, having to dart between people and watch his feet so as to not step on anyone’s gowns. Being in the midst of it was so much different than being on the outside, it was disorienting and loud and he couldn’t decide if he liked it or not.
He finally made it to the other side of the room and wandered around the empty space between the crowd and the doorway. It was tall like most of the doorways and windows with long thin halls at the end. This particular corridor was a sort of central root to every room in the house. The stairs on the left led upstairs near the far end of the drawing room and the library, the stairs on the right a few paces ahead led down to the kitchen and the back door which the servants would leave by (and whoever else who was meant to be kept a secret).
The corridor was lined with ancient portraits of past generations, each name he knew by memory and a fancy muted wallpaper behind them, as it branched off into smaller corridors. There was one that led to a guest room and the toilets, another that went into a storage space, and the one turning the corner led to another set of stairs. Stairs that rose steadily up to the third floor where his room used to be. Sirius had enough wits about him to somewhat make it up the stairs without falling as he ascended into the dark thick air that always seemed to linger up here.
“Reg?” He called quietly through his teeth. There was no need to be quiet, the noise downstairs would cover his voice but it was habit, he suspected, always to keep quiet. A habit he’d fought to override every day but there was something about this sodding house that pulled every old beaten-in trick back to him without warning.
He was at the top of the stairs now and determined as he was not to look, he found himself walking up to his old bedroom door. Sirius O. Black still engraved into the plaque. He was surprised they didn’t tear it from its hinges by now.
He creaked open the door, holding steadily on to the door knob, not fully realising what he was entering into.
Everything was the same. The mess on his bed that had seeped on to the floor, untucked blankets and torn up pillows and half opened drawers remained preserved. The band posters and scrawlings on the wall, all still the same. Blankets of dust on his table and the top of his dresser, clouding over picture frames of James and Peter.
He really did not need this right now.
In truth, the meeting with Maman and Papa didn’t go as bad as he expected which in a way made everything a hundred times worse.
She’d been cold to him, obviously, which he had expected but she seemed a vague sort of sad. Like when Sirius left, it hurt her more than him staying. Complete bullshit, he knows that, but it's so hard to not feel bad about it a little. To not feel bad when he thinks about them and listen to his mother feed him blatant lies about having cared for him. Especially when she made guilt and manipulation so hard to see as it slithered under his skin, looking for a way in.
But that only lasted for a bit, until he said something she didn’t like and she said something back, until she was screaming at him again and he felt like he was transported back to being eight years old. His father watched the entire thing, doing nothing, as expected. That was until Sirius snapped off to Walburga, or so they said, and he got a slap to the face and was shouted at for being disrespectful. The vile truth that was Walburga and Orion, revealed once again.
So they could dish it out but couldn’t take it.
Right.
It carried on like that for a while and if he’s being honest, he kind of spaced the entire thing out. He did that sometimes, he came and went from his memory like running water which sounds a lot cooler than it feels.
It truly feels like shit, feeling so far away when nothings clear anymore and there's nothing you can do about it. Like he’s looking at his hands and they don’t feel like his anymore. Like he’s always on the brink of something, in a limbo of sorts. Sometimes the whole room fades into black except the very centre and sometimes it all just becomes flat like the telly, and it’s fine until it's not. Until he can't separate it anymore and it's terrifying. But it's okay, he thinks, because in rare moments- if he timed it right- he wouldn’t have to remember not remembering it at all.
But now, everything he trapped away into the box in his mind came hurtling back. Like the room drew out every bad memory and yet every good one. He found that his mind had a sneaky little way of mixing the two of them up and tangling them until he couldn’t tell them apart and he really didn’t know how that could be possible.
Sirius sat down on the mattress, fingers tracing the bed frame and collecting a ribbon of dust while doing so. He ran a hand under his pillow, along the lining of his bed and reached under the mattress, revealing a small divot in the wood. No way was this still here but when he returned, a small tin flask sat in the palm of his hand. He should be looking for Regulus right now but the weight was too much.
He can’t help Regulus right now when the entirety of this room is crashing down on him.
Instead, he opened the flask and sent wordless gratitudes to his fourteen year old self.