Chapter 3
the commotions from the new common room completely vanished behind the door. momentary peace fell before the monstrous chaos in his head overtook again. what he wanted was a broom closet to hide in. but the room given was enormous. way bigger than the one he shared with three others in the dungeons. even bigger than the ones the room of requirement used to conjure upon his needs. a pair of every necessity prepared and a shared private bathroom. privileges of returning seniors.
the giant 4-posters were placed adjacent to each other. and his feet carried him over to the one by the window. curtains turning the familiar shade of green when he settled on the mattress. recognizing the origins of its owner intuitively.
the luminous moonlight that fell upon the room was enthralling. different from the inky shadows of the black lake that dominated the dungeons. the view from his new bed was wondrous. the fascinating sky full of stars above. and the familiar lull of the lake below. if anything, it was perfect. but the new room felt empty.
too spacious for just two people.
"you would have loved it here.."
he whispered to nobody. a faint smile of fondness lingered after the thought. hand and wand itching to materialize another memory. just to pretend like everything was still perfect for a while. just a little while.
but the doorknob turned unceremoniously. followed by his new roommate and his uninvited guests.
"-and he already stole your spot. listen malfoy-"
the ginger one was already marching towards him. but the other boy yanked him back. a little too forcefully than necessary. but draco chose not to assume.
"it's fine, ron. it's just a bed."
his face was invisible. hidden, as he stood in the shadows.
"but mate, you need open-"
"i need a place to sleep, ron. and i'm fine with the one i have."
his voice turned a pitch lower. and his words heavier.
"harry, we're just worried-"
"i'm not eleven anymore!"
draco flinched at the sudden outburst. involuntarily retreating to the edge of his bed. the motion lured his roommate to step into the moonlight. hiding draco's figure from his best friends.
"i'm eighteen, hermione. i will be fine."
his efforts at maintaining the steady tone were obvious. perhaps because draco used to be a master at it. hiding and feigning. but somehow, the returning calm in his voice consoled draco as well. tuning out of the golden trio's conversation, draco turned his attention back to the night sky. right palm wrapped around his left forearm for focus. pressing onto the tender skin underneath. the sting, too familiar.
every noise ebbed away as he almost fell asleep to the acquainted lull of both darkness and the black lake.
harry
his platinum blonde hair was blinding under the moonlight. just like the many times i've noticed over the years. but the old annoyance didn't emerge at all. instead, what i felt was hurt. hurt that he didn't look as ethereal as he used to anymore.
the once glowing features, now ghostly. white high neck and extra long sleeves covering all the way to the mid of his palm. delicate lace hems flowing around his fingers. he looked every bit like the victorian ghost of dorian gray. right then, a cold gust of wind hovered in, shivering the figure awake.
"you've dressed too light for the weather."
again, he flinched at the sound of my voice. the image, stabbing holes in my chest.
"i'm used to the cold.."
his tone was still devoid of emotions. i would have been fine with anything. even the hint of his usual hatred for me. but no.
nothing.
"then why are you hugging your arms? you've been shivering all this while."
there was no reason for me to be upset. no rights. but i wanted to shut the window tight and seal him in my arms like i've done before.
oh, only if he knew..
"how long have you been watching me?"
his silver eyes finally met mine. but i faltered at the lack of intensity in them. i failed to read them. only his question kept echoing in my head.
how long have I been watching draco malfoy?
since i walked through that door. since i watched you self-abandon. since i spoke through your trials. since i rejected your handshake. since the day i saw you in madam malkin's shop.
"just a while ago.."
i lied.
"i'm sorry about hermione and ron."
his eyes widened for a brief moment. but he masked it away almost immediately. like he's used to doing so.
and i watched the moment slip through my stupid hands as he returned to staring out the window. while i stood there rooted to the floor. like a statue.
the air at the brand new eighth-year tower was indeed cold. but not colder than the blonde boy's eyes and voice. though broken, he was still glass after all.
slitting through my being with his cruelty.
"do you want to exchange beds?"
he asked out of nowhere. eyes still planted elsewhere. but the trace of amity was ever so light in his voice. or so i wanted to believe.
and perhaps i took too long to indulge in that momentary warmth. that it caught ablaze and conjured a new barrier as he leapt off his bed, as if burned. retreating away from me. and his anxious eyes alarmed me along.
the scene, so painfully familiar.
"i didn't mean to say that you're weak or anything. i was just offering in case you had a preference-"
"malfoy."
"-i don't mind actually. i'm used to the darkness in the dungeons. this is too bright anyway-"
"malfoy..."
"-and the room is too big. maybe this is a bad initiative. i can talk to mcgonagall so-"
"DRACO!"
i felt the shiver that ran down his spine, in my own bones when my arms wrapped around him. he was trembling. or was it me..
it didn't matter because he was right here. hidden safely in my arms. but i couldn't believe my legs to move yet as i looked over his shaking shoulders. a strangled breath left my lips at the ghastly sight. causing the figure in my embrace to flinch again. out of reflex, one of my hands began caressing his soft hair while the other covered his eyes. protecting him from the sight that left my heart shaking. darker thoughts distorted dreadful scenes in my head.
the open window and ominous height overlapped with a stone-cold archway and a spectral veil. had i been a second late, draco would have fallen over too.
taking a lungful of courageous breath, i cast a wandless spell to close the window. locking away both the freezing wind and the frightening scenes in my head. hands involuntarily tightening around the boy in my arms. his supposedly taller build seemed smaller in my arms. sunken features and shrunken figure. wasn't a suitable look. and it hurt me more than i'd like to understand.
"you're shaking.."
his voice was too faint. with face buried in my shoulders. i almost didn't hear it.
slowly, he lifted his silver eyes. all misty and anxious. another look that didn't suit him at all.
i wanted him to mock me. curse and call me offensive names. at the very least, sneer at me. but no. his eyes were as empty as his soul and i felt them devour mine coldly. like a dementor.
one of us had our wish granted, i supposed.
suddenly, his image overlapped with the broken mess of a boy i found under his bed. weak and vulnerable. the scene too vividly similar.
me, desperately trying to hold him together. him, drunk and dissipating in anguish. grieving over his lost ones.
his lost love.
the reminder of that raw sting was enough. to yank me back into reality. gradually, my arms unfolded. sinking to my sides helplessly. his frail figure staggered at the sudden lack of support. and my prideless hands almost reached out to him again. but my wretched heart wept from within.
"i'm not the one he is yearning for.."
his extended hands were reaching for the bedpost. and i retreated farther. like a coward. hands fisted and nails digging in my palms painfully.
"i'm not the one he needs.."
his dejected eyes finally found mine. and the bitter smile just burned me alive. as though he didn't expect any better treatment. as though he deserved only brutality. and i couldn't discern what hurt me worst.
the bane of my life banished off his pride. or my own broken heart bleeding by his feet.
"i'm never the one he loves.."