Fuck

—

He awoke to a blinding light peaking through the curtains of her studio apartment and scotch pawing at his hand. Draco had slept over. him on the floor, his head completely in her lap by now, and her curled up on the couch sleeping peacefully. For a split second he reminisced about the softness of her thighs and the beauty in the way she looked when she slept. then panic went into override.

“Fuck, fuck. Lena.” He whispered softly at first. She didn’t budge. “Lena!” He said a bit louder, and urgently.

It was a Monday morning, they’d overslept, they would miss class, they’d be ostracized and ridiculed by teachers and students alike.

Lena yawned and opened her eyes, “oh shit.”

They both got up incredibly fast, in a rush. She snapped her fingers and her clothes were different. Back to the good old Hogwarts attire. Her hair still a mess. But gods, was she beautiful, still.

The two of them decided there was no time to not go together on his broom. She usually woke up earlier and walked the whole way, but obviously there was no time.

So, after dropping scotch off and picking up his broomstick and school robes they were on their way together.

He flew them into the astronomy tower to keep suspicions and mummers at bay. And they would’ve been in the clear, had it not been for that old bat.

“You two nearly didn’t make it.” He stated as she landed in a rush.

Lena jumped up, dusting herself off. “I caught him on his way to school and he offered to give me a lift. It’s my fault, professor.”

A lie. Why’d she lie? She didn’t necessarily need to lie, they were friends. Friends spend the night together. Friends hang out together. they were friends right?

Draco mumbled an apology and ran off after her.

“Now I owe you a drink.” He whispered to her as they made their way down through the tower to their respective classrooms.

All day long he sat thinking about the way she felt against his cheeks, and how sweet she looked when she slept, and how her silky white dress looked on her in that photograph.

—

While packing up his belongings in the potions room Draco heard the familiar sound of high heels tapping against the hard stone floor. Butterflies arose in the pit of his belly, anticipation growing.

Lena looked more put together at the end of her day then at the end. And he loved every bit about it.

“Oh, thank the Gods you’re still here.” She exclaimed walking into his room with a sense of thrill. “I did it.”

“And what is that?” He asked, playing into her amusement.

“I broke through to them!”

The way she smiled was glorious, her happiness filled the room and even himself. He broke the pattern of friends dancing around each other, trying not to cross certain lines and went for it himself. Draco enveloped her in such a soul crushing, strong armed hug that she ended up nearly off the ground.

“Congratulations on your breakthrough.” Draco said, still holding her tightly in his arms, his heart beating right through his chest. He didn’t mean to hold her in his arms, he didn’t even mean to pick her up like that, but he did. “I am proud.”

She broke away and perched against one of the desks with a devious grin, “let’s go celebrate while I give you all the details.”

“Is that a question or a statement?” He quipped.

Together they left again, her on the back of his broomstick holding tightly around his waist.

Instead of going to the Hog’s Head they ended up at the Three broomsticks. He bought her first drink since he had owed her one from earlier this morning. And for a moment he sat happily basking in her company. Even if it was a dodgy place like three broomsticks. It dawned on him that it really didn’t matter where he was, as long as he was with her it was a ride.

Lena had been bragging rightfully about her accomplishments with her students and how she changed the direction of her class. He’d been too distracted by the bare skin on display in front of him. She’d been unable to sit still for longer than five minutes when she was excited. And excited she was. Her legs were crossed, exposing just a glimpse of her long legs, exciting him in return.

“Draco?” She asked, bringing him right back to existence. “Did you get that, I hope you’re taking notes.”

“Oh I am.” Draco said with a chuckle.

“Well, enough about me. Talk to me. Get me off this cocky train.”

He thought about it for a second, trying to keep his dirty thoughts at bay, but it got the better of him. “What would you like to hear?”

“What have you been thinking about?” She was sporting a cheeky smirk. “I know you well enough to know you’ve been stuck up there,” her finger was on his temple now, like a lightning bolt through his entire body, “all damned day.”

Draco swatted her hand away. “I’ve been thinking about how nice it is to be free. To not have to burden myself with my family's requirements and unreal expectations.”

“Is it about astoria?”

“No.” he said with a laugh. “When things end for me, they end.”

“And what about your parents?”

“That’s a bit more complicated then yea they’re gone from my life for good. My father hates the idea that I’m anything other than a good little death eater, the man is sick. And he uses all he can against my mother… so yes and no, really.” He said, finishing his words with a big release of air he didn’t know he’d been holding in. “Its all just fucked up. And now I’m ten times more anxious than I was when I first walked into the bar.”

She sighed deeply and agreed with him, “since we’re getting things off our chest,” she began, hesitant to look at him directly. “My husband is in town.”

He stared at her for what felt like an eternity before coming back to earth. “he… what?” Draco sounded like a blubbering wanker. “I thought he lived in America.”
“He’s a banker. He travels. You know.”

“So he’s in England, not at Hogwarts.”

“He knows where I am, though, he knows exactly where I ran off to.”

“Who fucking cares, Lena.” He said realizing just how much his anxiety had grown. It was a beast. A horrible, constant monster tucked quietly into his closet. “You guys aren’t even—“

Her eyes said something that enraged Draco, that made him want to scream out in agony, that made him wither right at that bar stool. “I never signed papers,” she said with a disappointed look on her face, her eyes growing glossy. “I told you, I told you I was a mess.”

Draco shook his head and stood up slowly, giving himself credit for even doing that without causing a scene. “You bloody are.”

He walked that evening until the sun set behind the mountain street, until his breath turned to fog in the night's air. wracking his brain for reasons or any damned excuse as to why it upset him more than when he left the girl he was meant to marry.

It wasn’t easy to end things, it was the hardest thing in the world. He didn’t truly realize that until just then. He’d lied to Lena. He’d been lying the whole time, chasing the witch since he’d first laid eyes on her. It wasn’t easy for him to cut things off, it wasn’t easy for him to have feelings for Astoria, it wasn’t easy for him to have feelings for anyone really.

Even the whole astoria shit-show was hard for him, it took him months of putting it back, pushing dates further and further away in hopes that maybe she’d be the one to save them both from their misery. But no, it had to be him to blow up and destroy everything. There was no space in between.

And he absolutely despised himself for it.

On the way back into town, long after the sun had vanished and the moon arose, he ended up passing her house.

The thought of a much deserved apology crossed his mind. That nagging voice eating away at his sanity. Do it. I apologize. Tell her you’re a fucking idiot.

Next thing he knew he was standing at the door, just staring right at it, completely and utterly frozen in his place. Going over what he’d say. How he could make her know how felt. where his mind was at, and where it was not.

Then the door just opened and she stood behind it, blotchy cheeks stained with tears. His stomach dropped, his heart stopped and his head fell softly. “Merlin fuck, Lena—“

“I saw you standing outside and I stood here until I gathered up the courage to come outside and face you. But I just fucking couldn’t .”

“I—“ he began “I’m a fucking dick—“

“—no, no, I’m a dick.” She said laughing, wiping away her tears. “You were so honest with me about everything and I couldn’t even give you that. That’s not how you treat people, I’m trying to learn that.”

“I should’ve asked you, I just blew over the whole thing. I couldn’t bother to think about it or help you or even consider it a… a possibility.” He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Well, I shouldn’t have hid the information.” She said with a soft chuckle and sniffle, “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Well,” He said, sucking in the cool air, cracking his knuckles. A horrible anxious tick that just so happened to be coming back to life again. Bloody fucking brilliant, he thought desperately. “I should leave.”

“No,” she said just a little too fast, reaching for his arm even quicker, “no. not yet, please.”

“Tonight is just not the greatest night for this.” He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know where his self control was coming from, or why it chose then to show itself.

“Why?” She sounded small and a little bit hopeless, too.

“because,” He closed his eyes and laughed gently, “if I go up there with you right now, I’m going to fucking lose it.”

Draco shrugged and muttered a ‘goodnight’, practically running right off her doorsteps.