Do not bother with guilt
Chapter 4
POV Stella
After the longest and most comforting hug of my entire life, she eventually pulled away slightly, just enough to look at me. Her soft hands gently grabbed my face as took in every one of my features.
“You’re so beautiful” She cried with a smile, gently stroking my tears away with her thumbs.
I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t come up with anything good enough, so I simply leaned forward and let my head fall back down on her shoulder, already missing the warmth. She wrapped an arm around me, stroking soothingly and she turned her head to place a few kisses in my hairline.
After another few minutes, she led me back to the couch, sitting down beside me but angling her body so we were face to face.
“I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to say” She spoke, rubbing her forehead and looking at me in disbelief.
I didn’t either.
“How did you find me? All you had to go off was that letter, right? I mean it was a closed adoption” She spoke with an unsteady voice, holding back tears in favor of our conversation. We both needed answers.
“Well, you were on the TV last week during that hostage situation downtown, and I’ve always been kind of an action nerd so I followed all the news and eventually found this old press conference that had your name and… when I googled you it just kinda fit, your age, Italy, not to mention the you know…
“Undeniable similarities” she laughed, finishing my thought.
She silently studied my face once more, a fond expression adorning her features, and I could see her eyes glazing over again. She shook her head slightly as if to focus and spoke.
“Did you come here alone? Does anyone know where you are? Your parents?” She asked quickly, worry creeping into her voice, but I could also see something else when she mentioned ‘my parents’, a slight hurt expression that flashed across her face for just a second.
“My friend knows, sort of… and I don’t really have parents so…” I chuckled slightly to ease the tension, to make it clear she didn’t have to feel bad for me, but it didn’t seem to work.
I could see the guilt in her eyes as she looked away, pulling herself together before taking my hands.
“I’m so sorry, I really hoped you would find a good family, I thought… that I was doing what was best for you but… I know now, with the things I’ve seen on this job, that I could have done better, you deserved better. I’m sorry I passed you off into the hands of a broken system” Her composure slipped as a few lone tears escaped her eyes and she squeezed my hands tightly.
It hurt my heart to see her like this, to know she felt bad about it, I had to make sure she knew I didn’t hate her for it.
“It’s okay, I don’t blame you. I used to, when I was younger… I used to be angry, but I understand now. You were so young, and I certainly wouldn’t know what to do if it happened to me now. I’m not mad at you” I spoke, and with each word I could see the tension lifting from her face.
“Wow, you’re so wise, so grown up. Honestly I always kind of just continued imagining you as a baby, but of course you’re not anymore” She said with a smile, sighing before the worried look returned.
“So where are you staying then? Are you safe? Got a foster family at least?” She asked quickly, clearly concerned for me.
“A group home… I had a foster family before. I’m safe, i guess but… It’s not great, I honestly kind of hate it. I guess I thought… I don’t know it’s stupid” I shrugged, feeling myself go a little red.
“It’s okay, you can tell me” She encouraged carefully, moving a little closer.
“I kind of ran away without saying anything, and I never really planned to go back… I guess I thought finding you was like my last chance to get out of there, and if… this didn’t work out I’m not really sure what my plan was… I’ll figure it out though, I promise, just please don’t make me go back there” I started rambling nervously, very much not wanting to see that house ever again, I’d honestly rather be homeless.
“Hey, hey breathe, it’s okay. I don’t really know how the system works, but no matter what, we’ll figure it out okay? I guess I probably need to call your social worker or something, but it can wait until tomorrow” She said but I could feel the anxiety rising just at the thought of being sent back.
I tried to answer her but my mouth wasn’t cooperating with my brain, too busy focusing on breathing. She looked me over for a second before opening her arms, letting me fall into them. I leaned my forehead against her shirt, right under her collarbone, trying to steady my breathing as she shushed me soothingly.
“I didn’t mean I’ll call her to tell on you, but they need to know you’re safe so they’re not out looking for you. I will do everything in my power to make sure you’re never forced back there ever again, and at least for tonight, you’re coming home with me, I don’t want you out of my sight for a second… and maybe… if you want to, in the future you could… continue to stay with me, but I will never force you. No matter what you want, I’ll make sure you’re safe okay?” She rambled, and I could hear it in her voice that she meant it.
I nodded into her shirt, but didn’t say anything, I couldn’t, to preoccupied with the fact she’d said she might want me to stay with her… like forever? I didn’t know, but right now, tonight was enough. One night feeling safe knowing my mom was near was more than I’d ever thought I’d get. It was more than I could ask.
***
After another hour of talking, we walked out toward her car. The parking lot was now nearly empty and the sun was fully set as it was nearing 8pm.
“Are you hungry?” She asked as we put our seatbelts on.
“Um… a little” I understated as I wasn’t used to people caring about that kind of stuff.
“Okay, we’ll get something on the way, you like Chinese?” She asked as she pulled out onto the road.
“Yeah” I said, I didn’t have many preferences, you couldn’t really when you grew up in foster care, you eat what you get when you get it.
The drive was mostly silent, but I could feel her glancing at me at every stop light. I could tell she was still processing everything, as was I, and we both just needed a moment with our thoughts. As the car came to a stop, I followed her silently to the apartment. She unlocked the door and opened it for me to go inside first, it was so nice, spacious but not huge, modern and clean but still really cozy. You could see the whole city from the large windows on the far end. We quickly put our shoes and coats away, placing the food in the kitchen.
“So, you want the grand tour?” Emily asked with a smile, making me nod.
“So the bathroom is right here by the front door” she said and opened the door right behind us. “To the left over there is my room, and the guest room is over here” She led me to a door to the right, behind the stairs. It was quite small but held a queen size bed and a closet.
“The sheets are clean so it’s all yours” she said before turning back to the kitchen, her choice of words making me feel warm inside, wether she did it consciously or not.
‘It’s all yours’
Before I could envision a future living there, I stopped myself. I couldn’t get my hopes up like that. She probably didn’t even want me around for longer than necessarily.
We sat down to eat at the kitchen island, and only then did I notice she didn’t show the upstairs.
“What’s upstairs?” I asked hesitantly, unsure if she’d avoided it on purpose.
“Oh, just my office. Unless you like gory crime scenes, I’d avoid it, but you can go check it out if you want” She said, getting us glasses.
I declined and we started eating in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was intruding, and I paused eating for a second. I’d just showed up at her job, ambushing her essentially, and now she’s bough me food and let me stay at her home.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” She reached across the Island, gently grabbing my hand.
“Nothing, just… thank you for… everything, you know, the food…” I said quietly, but I could feel we both knew I meant more than the food.
Thank you for hugging me.
Thank you for being happy to see me.
Thank you for not letting me sleep out in the cold.
It had been a long time since someone saw me, and Emily saw me. Her large, brown eyes looked at me in a way that I could feel in my soul. How could one look make you feel so loved?
“So… you mentioned you lived with a family before, why are you in a group home? I’m sorry, you don’t have to talk about it, I just want to… know you, know if you’re okay” She asked, pushing her empty plate away slightly, still holding my hand.
“It’s fine. I used to live with a couple, they were… really nice. Nick and Laura, they found me when I was eleven and no one else wanted me cause I was too old and had a somewhat complicated history” I took a deep breath, and saw the concern in her eyes at the mention of my past, but she didn’t ask, letting me take my time. “It was so good, it was just us three for years, I loved them… and I thought they loved me too. That’s what they said anyway, that they wanted to adopt me. We even talked to my social worker about it, and booked a court date a couple months from then. One day they told me they were having a baby. It was a surprise cause they thought they couldn’t have kids, and I was happy, I thought I was getting a sibling and we were gonna be a family, you know?” I paused to gather myself again.
Emily nodded sympathetically, continuing to stroke the back of my hand, giving me strength to continue as I pushed the tears back.
“Apparently, I thought wrong… cause they said they couldn’t keep anymore. They said they wanted to focus on their baby and that they wouldn’t have time for me anymore, but I know it was all bullshit… I was just a place holder the whole time, the second best option until they got what they really wanted. Anyway, at fifteen, it’s basically impossible to get adopted, even foster homes can be hard to find, so I ended up in this group home” I explained, only realizing I was crying when Emily stood up and rounded the island to hug me.
I was still sitting on the barstool so I leaned into her chest as she stroked her hands through my hair slowly.
“I am so, so sorry they did that to you, you didn’t deserve that. You are not disposable or replaceable. I’ve only known you for a couple hours, but I already know that. You are worthy of so much more, of love” She whispered, doing nothing to help slow my tears.
I could hear her sniffle every once in a while, but she wasn’t full on crying like I was. When it had been several minutes and I couldn’t seem to stop, she carefully asked if she could pick me up. I looked up at her, slightly confused, but held my arms up in compliance when she smiled encouragingly at me. She moved her arms to my legs to pick me up with surprising strength and I wrapped my legs around her hips instinctively. My arms encircled her neck tightly as I leaned my head down on her shoulder. It was actually so comfortable, and as she started slowly walking around, turning slightly from side to side, I felt the tension easing from my chest, evaporating.