homework stress
"...And then he downed the rest of the bottle. Straight." Sirius recited the story with a wicked grin spreading across his face like a supernaturally fast mould. He was as lively and theatrical as he might be if he was presenting a class project on why 'Sirius is the coolest person in Hogwarts and should be crowned king of Gryffindor or even England'.
"No way. You said there was like five shots in that." Romely oggled up at the long haired boy, telling the story as if he was spitting flecks of pure gold.
"That's not even the best part of it all." He had his hands out in front of him as if he was telling a scary story in the beginning of a horror movie. Remus was glad it was not a horror movie because the too cool for school guys that all the girls love always gets killed second after the blond bombshell popular girl who makes the worst decisions at every turn. Remus thought he might have a good chance at survival because he knew the most about horror stories but in the end he was no final girl. He wasn't as pure as freshly fallen snow in the spring time eve if he did have that quiet but secretly edgy thing that all the church girl, virginity personified survivors always seemed to have.
"What? Why?" She was absorbing this like a ginger absorbs ultraviolet rays. Digging her claws into every piece of possible blackmail material that she might be able to use against her older brother in the future. She hadn't been lucky enough to hear about his new girlfriend so maybe this could be the thing to get him.
"Please don't, Sirius. She's my sister and she's not even twelve yet. She doesn't need to know about all my drunken escapades. At least wait till she's thirteen." Remus rolled his eyes only briefly looking up from his book before he turned the page and diverted his attention back towards the words. They had only been assigned two chapters of reading that week but Remus often finds it difficult to put a book down once he has picked one up. Sirius always thought that that was what made them such good friends. He was easily distracted book Remus was like a boat anchored to the sea floor. Sirius also liked to think that he was the only one that could distract Remus, it worked sometimes but other times Remus didn't want to be torn away from what he was doing so he didn't let it get to him, much to the annoyance of the ever bored Sirius.
"But Rom needs to know that her brother's fun!" Sirius insisted, budging up to Remus on the couch that they were both sat on, grabbing his shoulder as if he was about to shake some sense into his lanky best friend. The contact made Remus tense up, like an electric current had began to flow through Sirius' hand into his body. The sensation made him feel sick to his stomach and thrillingly high at the same time. He always felt like this when Sirius touched him. Even if it was a friendly pat on the back or a high five or a hug, Remus felt so incredibly and confusingly attached to that little beautiful idiot. He never felt like that with other mates but he just assumed it was that they were mates and Sirius is a best mate. Sometimes, only sometimes, Remus would wish that that's how he felt when he was with Elsie. Maybe it would be different, less awkward if he could feel that electricity with Elsie. Or maybe he should just kiss Sirius.
Obviously not.
"Maybe her brother isn't fun." Remus raised an eyebrow, still not looking up from his book in an attempt to make it look as if all that was going through his head was just him reading. "Maybe her brother is just as boring as she thinks he is."
"Ugh, you're so boring." Sirius rolled his eyes, shoving Remus softly in the arm, not rough. Sirius wouldn't hurt Remus even in a fun little way. He couldn't ever. He had too much tenderness in his heart for the freakishly tall git.
"My point exactly."
"Can you two stop having some kind of lovers quarrel and finish the freaking story before I ask James or Peter?!" Romely snapped, a little eyebrow raise.
"Ay, watch the sass little Moony." Sirius snapped back.
"Language, Romely." Remus deadpanned.
"I said freaking!"
"Mum wouldn't like that language, though, would she?"
"You are boring."
"Okay, so..." Sirius started, crossing his legs on the couch, resting his knee on Remus' leg. Neither of them outwardly reacted to this, however they both noticed the contact and they both got the screaming sensation in their chest and the dizzying one in their heads. "... he downed the five shots or so in the bottom of the bottle and he slammed it down on the floor so hard that it smashed all over the place."
"No way." Romely deadpanned.
"I know right." Sirius had obviously not caught the sarcasm in her voice.
"I just can't believe it."
"ye-"
"I just can't believe that that pathetic excuse for a fun story about my brother is the best one that you've got. Big deal, he smashed a bottle and made a mess that you can clear away with one flick of your wand. Don't you have anything more fun to spill the beans about?"
"Nah, sorry Rom. I'm boring. Just like you thought." Remus said, matching her tone from before almost exactly. This caught Sirius' attention, as did a lot of things Remus did. He couldn't help it though. It was the curse of boarding schools. Living with a person and spending all day every day with them tuned you in to noticing every small thing that they did, every little mannerism or tic they performed unconsciously was burned into your brain until you could ace an exam on your best friend. That's why Sirius found it difficult to sit opposite James at meals once he had realised that his closest friend would wipe his mouth very delicately after every single bite just like Effie had taught him. But Remus never did anything unconsciously. Or rather it was a rare occurrence that Remus hadn't calculated every move, every action with its equal or opposite reaction. Even around Elsie, Remus was so calculated that it seemed cold at times. Like he didn't actually feel anything for her. But he obviously did feel something for her since Sirius has spotted them in the corridor after breakfast choking on each others tongues one morning. Though, he didn't like to think about it. Seeing it made his stomach lurch painfully, like he was about to see his breakfast again. He didn't know why and to be honest, he didn't want to know why. He had a sneaking suspicion that he knew and that it was the exact thing that he had been trying not to know for a hot minute. Knowing wouldn't be helpful. It would mess everything up. Remus was with Elsie and Sirius couldn't begin to convince his mind of that but he had to try or he would drown. It hurt more than anything but he needed to do it or... or...
"Yeah, I guess it was just wishful thinking."
***
"Dude, how long does it take you to read two chapters of a book?" Sirius was laid on his back on the couch, his legs draped over Remus', it was cold in the common room at this time of the evening since the fire had gone out and everybody agreed it was too late to start another one. "Or should I ask how long it takes you to finish an entire book because you have basically done the History of Magic homework for the next year."
"You're allowed to go upstairs if you want. You don't have to stay down here with me if you're just bored." Remus said without looking up, he only had two pages left and he felt like an out of breath marathon runner who can only see a hazy depiction of the finish line as he bounces up and down on the ground as the red banner gets closer and closer. Remus was oddly competitive even with himself. He didn't actually want Sirius to leave. He was a warm presence and Remus was worried that if he got up off the couch, there would be cold spots on his legs from where Sirius' used to be. He was already too cold down here anyway but he wasn't known for moving very far when he was engrossed in a book.
Sirius didn't want to leave either. He liked sitting their with Remus. It was nice that when they were alone and Remus didn't kick his legs off of his lap like he would have made a big show of in front of others. He also didn't want to leave for other reasons that clashed with his punk rock aesthetic. But if Sirius was anything in this world, he was one stubborn motherfucker. He would gladly accept a trophy with that written on it any day of the week, no questions asked. "Okay then, I might leave."
Remus had finished the last page a minute or so ago but still stared at it as if it held the secret to immortality, not knowing what to do now. Finishing a book with nothing else to read was like finishing university with a degree in Latin, it felt like there was nowhere to go. He didn't want to get up, he was comfortable like this with Sirius and he definitely didn't want Sirius to get up either but he didn't want Sirius to think that he wanted him to stay even though he did. That would be totally weird, right? "Leave then, I don't mind."
'I don't mind' sounded less rude to him than 'I don't care'. He did mind. He did care. but he couldn't let on. He was too stubborn. So stubborn that he should get a trophy or something. But at the same time he didn't want to sound too pushy because then he might leave. Whatever Remus was feeling right now was much too messy and complicated for his liking. Usually he had control over how he acted but when he was alone with Sirius, everything just flew out the window and he felt as if he was just learning to walk.
"I might leave then. You know, if you don't care and all."
"Go ahead." That sounded ruder than it was meant to.
"I will." Sirius huffed, landing his hands on his knees like a father about to tell a risky joke.
"Be my guest."
There was a silence. A long uncomfortable one that made you want to rip the skin off of your arms in the anticipation for the next person to speak.
"No." Sirius hacked into the silence with a meat cleaver.
"Why not?"
"I don't want to." Sirius gave in. "James and Pete are still at the library. I don't like being alone in the room. It reminds me of..."
"That place?" Remus offered.
"That place." Sirius agreed.
"I'll come with you." Remus looked up from the about the author page that he had been staring at. The moving picture of the old wizard had been eyeing him up and it had officially gotten more awkward than eye contact with Sirius could be. He snapped the book shut, placing it down with one hand and reaching over and placing the other one on Sirius' hand. "So you won't be alone." He tried a small smile, hoping it was comforting. He couldn't tell.
"You don't have to hold my hand." Sirius smiled an almost unrecognisable smile. "I'm not a little kid. You don't have to worry about me."
"Okay then." Remus shrugged sarcastically, stealing his hand back. He looked away from his best friend and faked a sniffling sound. "If you don't want to hold my hand then don't." He stood up from the couch, grabbing his book and making his way toward the stairs up to the dorm.
Sirius rolled his eyes as he followed in the taller boys lead and stood up too. "You're a dickhead, you know that?" But he smiled as he said it, catching onto Remus' hand and lacing their fingers together. The all too familiar butterflies and nausea followed the skin to skin contact for both of them but like so many times before this one, neither of them let on and they walked up the steps in comfortable silence. The dorm was warmer than the common room, some kind of magical spell or the warmth of familiarity, whatever it was Remus loved it. The UK was always so dramatically cold. Wales, Scotland, England, you name it. But Remus found warmth in Hogwarts, in his friends and family and in Sirius. It was all very poetic.
"Sirius." Remus said softly as they were about the part ways and hesitantly let got of each others hands in some saddening good night.
"Yes." Sirius looked up at his tall friend. It still shocked him slightly how much he did have to look up but he didn't mind it. He even found himself liking it.
"I can't help it."
"What?" Sirius was a tad surprised at first but then his face started to soften into an easy smile when he saw Remus' kind expression. He even laughed a little. "What can't you help?"
"Worrying about you."
"I told you, you don't need to worry."
"I don't need to but I want to. I think I want to worry about you forever, Sirius." Remus said, softly and tenderly as if his heart were in his hands and he were offering it up as blood ran down his fingers and pooled on the floor between them.
"I couldn't make you do that. Just be here. With me. That would be enough."
"Forever?" Remus asked, hoping and praying for the answer as the two of them seemed to drift closer together somewhat subconsciously. Both of them were overly aware of it but neither of them would have done anything to stop it. It was stupid. Not a good idea but they were tired and couldn't care one bit about the possible repercussions.
"Sure, yeah. I guess I could get behind that." Sirius mumbled with a grin as their lips were a little too close together. Sirius' clutching onto Remus arms. Remus' left hand cradling a sharp jawline covered by silk soft, tan skin. His right hand sneaking around the boys torso as they moved closer together. They couldn't help it. Their lips connected before they could possibly understand the consequences. They didn't want to. They didn't need to right then. All they needed in that moment was each other. That would be enough.