Running with wolves

It could have possibly been the worst thing that Remus had ever done and he had accidentally murdered his father. No.

He cursed himself for even entertaining that thought. He hadn't thought about his father's last moments, or his father at all for the matter since the dream he had been submerged into by his own cruel consciousness during or after the full moon (He wasn't quite sure when this had happened. Was he dreaming while he was transformed or had it all played out afterwards?). He wasn't exactly sure whether it did, in fact, count as murder. He had never studied muggle law, even the brief lectures about morals in his primary school hadn't prepared him for this exact situation. Nothing could have ever prepared him for this situation. He had dreamed of the day that his father would pass peacefully in his sleep after a long and terrible life many times. e had dreamed of spitting on his tombstone but he had never dreamed of having a hand in the long awaited demise and he had most certainly not been dreaming that after this manslaughter, he would have to face his sister everyday at mealtimes and in the hallway. Remus hadn't yet decided whether Romely's childhood would benefit from the absence of her father or whether a terrible parental figure was better than none. Maybe he would ask her about it one day when she was grown and much more mature. Remus had no doubt that his little sister would be so much more sensible than he could ever be.

A sensible person would kiss the girl they liked properly with their eyes closed. A sensible person would most definitely run away after a bad kiss and a sensible person would not forget about hurting a poor girl's feelings almost immediately and instead falling asleep, thinking of a shared embrace with a friend. Remus was not a sensible person. He thought he was but these past months had changed this idea greatly.

But Sirius.

How could a single person be so big headed, so arrogant yet so small and soft. Remus had witnessed his best friends more fragile side before but he had rarely cradled the shivering body of the weeping boy. His head was the smoothest hair that Remus had ever felt as if an ancient expert in fabric had weaved a luxury ebony satin and blessed Sirius with its beauty. The scent was almost as gentle. It was a indescribable scent, and not just because male colognes and other products were made with odd ingredients that no one had ever heard of and named after concepts and emotions that weren't easy to visualise. Sirius had felt so fragile between Remus' arms that the taller boy felt as if he might break his best friend into fragments if he were to make one single wrong move. But he didn't move incorrectly and Sirius didn't turn to dust, instead the two of them stood there intertwined for what felt like an endlessly long amount of time yet infinitely much too short for Remus' liking.

He went to bed thinking about the embrace. His skin feeling cold where Sirius had once been pressed up on. This aided in a rather easy experience of falling asleep and a rather pleasant and dreamless sleep. Remus didn't get a lot of those. He never had.

The feeling of a comfortable darkness in completely and totally one of the most wonderful feelings in existence. Being aware of so little when you know that you are safe and happy can be so pleasing. Elsie did not have such privilege that night, having transformed a collection of broken quills into a bunch of daisies, she spent the night playing a lovely little game of 'he loves me, he loves me not'. Needless to say she did not like the results. It was either the flower telling her that Remus does not love her or a confused and frustrated rant every time he apparently did love her according to the flower. She wondered how he could possibly love her if he could not kiss her and then she wondered if the peck was a kiss and why his eyes were open. She wondered why he could kiss her at the party back when they had actually officially been introduced (even though she had liked him for ages before that) and not then when he knew her and they had had such a good date together. Maybe Remus was like his friend. Maybe he didn't care about girls beyond sleeping with them. She cursed herself out for letting it get that far at the party but she had been so excited to think that the boy she had liked since third year might have liked her back. The thrill had caught up and now she was completely down. On one hand, she genuinely liked him and could accept that the kiss had been a fluke but on the other hand, if all he had cared about was her body, she didn't think she could be in a relationship with a person like that. There was a reason she had fancied Remus and not Sirius, unlike the rest of her friends, it was because he seemed decent and she didn't want to be left in the dark begging for a boy to like her.

***

He would have to forget about that night. It was difficult, of course, but nothing good would come from wallowing in self pity or day dreaming about a friendly hug. Wilful ignorance seemed to be Remus' best bet that morning. He would spend Sunday catching up on homework and asking his little sister for his book back. He had only intended to lend it to her since she had asked about it but he had remembered a few days before that she had kept the book for over three months. And it did not take Romely three months to read any book. She was smarter than him in so many ways, whether or not he was willing to admit it.

Anyway, to get on with his day, Remus had to forget about Elsie.

"Hello, Remus. I think we need to talk." Elsie walked up to the Gryffindor table at breakfast. She was wearing a little more makeup than yesterday and instead of her usual plait, her hair was done in a half up, half down style. She was wearing a long sleeve top that was very low cut, emphasizing her chest and letting a pendant on a long chain rest just above her cleavage. This reminded Remus of Mary and how she would always strive to look her absolute best after a boy had broken up with her or disappointed her in some way. She always said that she had to show them what they were missing. Elsie did look very nice but all Remus could think about was that she perhaps looked too nice for Sunday breakfast. Some students were still in their pyjamas and there she stood among them, looking as if she were about to embark on a night out in London city centre.

"Do we?" He asked, attempting to sound oblivious.

Elsie seemed very put off by this. She cleared her throat as she looked slightly upwards as if she was mustering up some courage or trying to remember a preconceived plan of action. "Yes, I think we do."

"Okay." Remus said, putting down his coffee and folding his arms on the table in front of him, ready to listen to what she had to say.

"I meant that we need to talk... Alone." Elsie was not amused.

"Ooh, what've you done this time, Lupin?" Sirius leaned in, a look of mischief sparkling in his eyes as he teased his best friend. He turned to Elsie. "This one right here is a complete dog. His list of mistresses is longer than a history of magic textbook."

"That's not true." Remus looked up at Elsie, giving Sirius a swift kick under the table before standing up and following her out of the great hall. On the dishonestly long walk from his former seat to the corridor outside of the great hall, Remus thought. He thought about what had happened. He thought that it surely couldn't be that bad. That he could fix it if he tried. He hoped Elsie wasn't angry with him. He hated when women were angry with him because they really made him feel it, feel how they felt. Or that was his experience at least having grown up with a mother, a sister and a less than emotionally present father. He couldn't imagine that what had happened was the worst thing he could possibly do in a relationship but it was in its early days and probably more fragile than a walkers crisp under a combat boot. Still, he thought it might be salvageable.

"Before you say anything," Remus blurted out once they found themselves unaccompanied by students rushing to breakfast before it ended. He probably should have let her talk first but he was an arrogant teenage boy and I don't think I need to say a whole lot more about that. "I was nervous." Was that really it Remus? You interrupted her before she even had the chance to take a breath to tell her that you were nervous?

"Oh." Elsie looked down at her feet. She was fiddling with a silver ring with a deep blue gem on her middle finger. Remus had noticed her wearing it every time they had spoke, always meaning to ask her about it but the chance never came and he quickly forgot. "Nervous? Why would you be nervous?"

"Because, and this is extremely embarrassing to admit, I haven't kissed a whole lot of people and never sober." That was embarrassing. Jeez, Lupin, you know how to make a girl swoon. "And, well, none of them were as pretty and cool as you." Quick save. Well done. A bit demoralizing to other girls but none of them would ever find out and it could definitely be awarded a prize in some kind of cringe worthy moments ceremony. But girls like that cheesy crap, right?

"Oh." She said again but this time she was looking at her shoes and playing with her ring absent mindedly with a badly hidden smile and the beginning of a full on blush. Apparently, girls did like that cheesy crap.

He didn't know what else to do and she didn't seem like she did either. He looked down at her hand again. She was still playing with the ring. He grazed the top of her hand with his fingers slightly before reaching out further and taking her hand in his. Cheesy crap but it was working it seemed. She looked back up at him. He locked his eyes on hers. Their faces were inches apart. He took his other hand and stroked her cheek as gently as he had with her hand. Her face was warm, probably from the blushing. It was sweet. Remus leaned in, his eyes half open. He didn't close the gap fully, waiting for Elsie's permission. And there it was she kissed him and he closed his eyes. Her lips were warm like her face but sticky from the gloss she'd applied earlier. She probably hadn't planned on forgiving him straight away and she had definitely not planned on kissing him, hence the lip gloss. Despite the stickiness of the situation. The kiss was nice. Not the fireworks and frolicking in fields of daisies experience his mum had said that kissing 'was supposed to be', but nonetheless, it was nice. He supposed that much of what his mum said about love and romance was from films and books and not reality. He couldn't imagine Lyall ever being a 'sweep you off your feet' kind of guy. He was called Lyall for Christ's sake. Have you ever met a sexy guy called Lyall? No.

Anyway, Remus wasn't so emotionally damaged that he couldn't kiss a girl without having a full on panic attack after all. That was good at least.