Running with wolves

Remus had done a lot of difficult things in his life like physically and very painfully transforming into a wolf and back every month since he was six years old, making stink bombs for a stupid prank and getting caught in the crossfire, getting straight A's on a set of exams while barely sleeping before sitting any of them, but right in that moment, hobbling through the dark corridors of the castle, attempting to dress himself in what he had scraped off the floor of Ravenclaw common room while avoiding being seen by Filch or his stupid little cat. No, it wasn't his finest moment at that school. Leaving a girl asleep on the couch after... well, you know. But he had to get back to the dormitory before the other three got suspicious. No chance Lily or the other girls would find out about it. Since they didn't share a bedroom with him, none of them would have any idea how late he stumbled in that night... wait. He turned over his wrist to check the time. Two thirty seven. Shit. Morning.

He reached the portrait, having to whisper the password multiple times. The fat lady kept insisting she couldn't hear him but Remus was convinced she was just messing about. Once he'd managed to limp up the stairs, pain searing through his upper left leg, just reminding him then that the full moon was less than a week away. He'd have to worry about that later. Now all that was left to deal with was getting into the dorm and with any luck, the others would be asleep and Remus would have a clear path to his bed and hopefully get enough sleep before lessons. Thankfully, they didn't start until the day after. He didn't think he could deal with Professor Slughorn first thing in the morning with half a hangover and less that five hours of sleep under his belt.

"And what time do you call this, young man?" Sirius was perched on the window sill like an owl waiting for its prey to run by so that he could rips its flesh from its frail bones with his vicious talons. He sat cross legged with his chin resting on his clasped hands, making him look equally childish and wise. It was an odd combination but not one that Sirius couldn't pull off.

"Shit." Was all that the stunned boy could manage.

"Shit is right. You've been caught red handed, mate." He grinned wickedly, he was enjoying this with a sort of sadistic pleasure.

"Uh..." He didn't know what to say. What was there to say? That he was with a girl he barely knew all night just because there was nothing better to at that stupid party and all that he could think about when he was looking into her eyes was his best friend and he had absolutely no idea why because her eyes were a completely different colour. He thought brown eyes were beautiful but when he looked at Sirius' he started to believe that grey was the most stunning colour there had ever been.

"What was her name?"

"How do you know I was with a girl?"

"Well, unless you want to come out to me right now..." He coughed a little and then paused as if he was waiting for Remus to fall to his knees crying about how he was in love with a man in Wales with a big bushy beard and they wanted to elope together to the countryside and they would if it weren't for the rules of this cruel and unjust world. "I'm assuming it was a girl, then."

"It might have been." He deadpanned, not feeling too pleased with himself. If he was being completely honest, he regretted it. It wasn't how he had expected it to be. It was tense and very quiet. For some reason Remus had never thought about how silent it was. In the movies there was always background music and it was just a montage of aesthetic body parts. The real thing was nothing like that. Just sort of repetitive motion until it was all over.

"What was her name then?"

How did Sirius do this all the time.

"I don't have to tell you that."

"Aw, why not? You're such a tease, Moony." He frowned in a childish manner, attempting at a puppy dog eyes approach. It wasn't working.

"Because its exactly none of your business."

"But it could be my business."

"Or it could not be and we can both forget that this happened."

"Or we could remember that it happened and I could make it James' business, or Peter's business, or Mary's business, or even... Romely's business."

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

He would.

"Elsie. Her names Elsie."

"Ooh, Elsie Parker?"

"No. I think her last name is Gardner."

"She's fit. And on the plus side, I haven't gotten with her. She's all yours mate."

"Oh yeah. Thanks, I'm so very grateful. And you've gotten with Elsie Parker?"

"Oh yeah."

"Course you have. Now can I go to bed now."

"Okay, go on then."

"Thanks."

"Are you going out with her?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Good for you. You deserve some fun."

Remus didn't know what that meant. All he could hope was that it didn't mean that he seemed to be just as miserable as he felt. He used to have a rule where, even if he felt terrible like the world was ending, he wouldn't let it show. Remus didn't like making other people feel as crappy as he did. Even if he was a crappy human, it didn't mean that he had to make everything else crappy too. His friends were the brightest part of his life. He couldn't let the sun go down and drench them in darkness.

***

He didn't feel any different. Was he supposed to? He was different, wasn't he? Remus was supposed to be a man now. Isn't that what they all say? He didn't feel like a man. He felt like a scared little boy, who fled at the first sign of danger. Who ran when he was scared. Most of all, he felt sorry for Elsie. It was bad. He knew it was bad even before he saw her expression after it was over. She was trying to be nice, pretending that it was at least okay but they both knew it hadn't been.

"Hey there, Moony." Peter grinned, in a way that it was hard to tell if he was being nice or he knew something that he shouldn't.

"Wormy don't." Sirius shook his head, giving the small blonde boy a friendly dig in the arm. "You know the rule. Don't talk to Lupin before he's had his morning coffee! We've been over this again and again."

"Oh piss off, Padfoot." Remus hissed, pouring himself a cup of coffee. Sirius was a right dickhead but he was a dickhead that payed attention and he was a dickhead that knew more about Remus than anyone else in the world. He knew about Remus' dad and what had happened when he died, he knew about Elsie last night, he knew all the bands that he loved and his favourite book and that he hated Christmas but loved New Years. He knew that Remus' favourite subject was history of magic. He knew Remus. And Remus didn't actually mind that Sirius was the on that knew him. That was the worst part.

Sirius held his hand up to his heart in feign shock, gasping dramatically. "After all these loyal years of friendship, and this is all you have to say to me. I have been there for you through thick and thin. Everything I have done and now you're telling me to piss off. I could cry right here."

"Go on, then." Remus shrugged, sipping his coffee again like it was keeping him alive. "Cry. Let it all out. Its healthy for a good man to cry. Keeping one's emotions locked up to fester and grow until its too late and you die alone, a sad and solitary death is unhealthy. Leaving us, your best friends, to wonder if there was anything that we could have done to keep you here, alive. So why would you do that to us, causing us so much pain when all you'd have to do is just have a little cry?"

"You should write a book." Sirius yawned, a fleck of amusement playing at his eyes. "Would be a shame to waste that bright young mind of yours. Such a way with words."

"Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder how that quiet little kid, who was afraid to speak in class grew up into this." James pondered.

"Well, Lupin's not a child anymore. Our good friend is a man now."

"I actually might kill you, Black." Remus hissed.

"What do you mean?" Peter looked between them both, an expression of pure bewilderment carved into his pale, sickly features. Remus often wondered if Peter was secretly an ill, Victorian child that had arrived at Hogwarts by a time machine.

"Ask her yourself." Sirius smirked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Ask who?" Peter said but his question was answered almost immediately when, sure enough, Elsie walked up to their table, a few girls laughing shyly behind her.

"Hi Remus." She smiled just as wide and brightly as she had last night.

"Hello." He nodded. "How are you today, Elsie?"

"I'm okay. But... Uh... I didn't see you this morning."

"Oh, um... Yes. Sorry, I had to get back to my dorm. I'd left my watch there, so I had no way of telling what time it was."

"Oh." She was taken aback slightly but she still smiled. Perhaps she could tell that he was lying out of his rear end. He didn't know why he was lying but he was and of course, he couldn't take it back now. It was stupid but if he was anything this week, he was stupid. "Erm... Well, I was wondering if you would want to come with me to Hogsmeade, next week?"

"Yes." Remus spoke quietly, unsurely. "Yeah, sure."

"Okay then. I'll meet you then." She said before turning around to her gaggle, giggling like polite hyenas wearing lip gloss and mascara.

"No way." James grinned.

"What's happening?" Lily asked, placing herself gently next to James, Marlene, Dorcas and Mary joining them as well. "And why, on gods green earth, was Elsie Gardner from Ravenclaw talking to you guys?"

"Oh, she wasn't talking to us, just Remus." Sirius smirked. He kept smirking. Remus wished he would just stop doing that. Whenever he did so, it made Remus feel... something. Something deep and shallow, uncomfortable yet warm and cosy. He felt on edge yet so calm that he could fall asleep. He hated it and loved it all at once. He wished he could wipe that stupid smirk off of his stupid beautiful face but at the same time he could kiss it until he stopped breathing.

"Got yourself a girlfriend, have you, Moony?" Mary asked in a sing songy manner.

"How are you so awake right now?" Remus winced.

"Why aren't you? You just got a girlfriend, by the looks of it."

"She's not my girlfriend." Remus shook his head. He'd been doing that a lot lately. He seemed to be disappointed in everything. "We're just going out next week."

"And you disappeared with her during the party, last night." Sirius added.

"I swear to god, Sirius."

"Do you want her to be your girlfriend?" Marlene asked, head cocked to the side, quizzical look in her eyes.

"I don't know. How am I even meant to know something like that?"

"Are you okay, Remus?"

"I don't know. I'm probably just hung over."