Chapter 1
Lyall hadn't been the best father in the world. Of course he wasn't the worst either. He hadn't been bothered to leave them and never come back but Remus often wondered if they might have all been better off if he got his selfish ass out of the house and left them without explanation. It seems like an odd thing to wish for but if you had known Lyall, you would have understood immediately.
Remus didn't have to wonder. Not anymore.
It had been a rather unpeaceful night. Stuffing the three of them into the car and following the ambulance an hour in the rain to the nearest hospital. Hope had pointed out that the fact the sirens weren't on meant that his injuries were not urgent and therefore he would make it but they had all found out later that Lyall had died five minutes into the journey. Hope cried. So did Romely. But Remus couldn't. All he could do was stand between them, an arm around each pair of shoulders as if he was some kind of guardian angel protecting them from the pain.
Now it was just him, his mum and his sister and he couldn't be happier about that. His two favourite people in the world without the tall shadow that loomed over them, striking fear and desperation into their hearts. On good days he stayed quiet, didn't even talk to them but on bad days, oh the bad days, Remus would have suffered the worst punishment for dropping a fork on the floor at dinner or being caught listening to the David Bowie album that his friends had gotten him for Christmas. ("We don't entertain ourselves by listening to puffs wail into microphones, son.")
When he was younger, he felt the wrath less but had to witness his mother being victimised by a shell of the man she had so happily married. Which is why he would just grin and bear it whenever it was his turn. He didn't care for his wellbeing as much as he did for his mothers or sisters. What was a few more scars from his so called dad when he looked more decorated than a child's colouring book?
He kept up appearances at the funeral. Looking down, not shedding a tear but trying his best to look at least a bit sombre or unhappy so that he didn't seem like a complete prick. The prick had been buried and Remus could be sure of that. He'd tossed a handful of dirt onto the grave himself. His friends had been nice enough to attend, looking drab and boring in black dresses and sensible dark coloured suits compared to their usual vivid colours and trendy fashions. Remus preferred his friends as they usually chose to express themselves but the invitation to the funeral didn't exactly say 'come as you are'.
Back at their little cottage in Wales, boring uncles and drunk aunts accompanied by their annoying children that Remus called cousins resided in the living room or his fathers friends and colleagues from the ministry, swaying along the intensely quiet music while paying their condolences and complimenting Hope's china set. Remus had finished politely greeting everyone and had taken up residence on the garden wall and staring out onto the sea. It wasn't an overly impressive view, barley a grey line in the distance but it was comforting to Remus to know it was out there and that it always would be.
"Thought you might need this." Sirius announced his presence loudly as was his fashion, thrusting a bottle into Remus' face, snapping the tall boy out his self-pitying daydreams.
"Thanks mate." He smiled in a display of half genuine affection. A few more of their friends began to join them.
"Didn't think I could witness this sad display any longer. If you don't get drunk right now, I think I might have to leave your sorry arse in Wales." Sirius sighed. Despite his name, Sirius was anything but serious. Maybe it was a defence mechanism but right now, Remus couldn't care less. It was a refreshing change from the bleak faces and watery eyes of the day.
"Come on, Pads." James sighed, sitting down on Remus' other side. "You can't say that. His dad literally just died. We are at the funeral, if you hadn't noticed."
"Oh, that's why you're all dressed in black. I get it now." Remus drawled in an overly sarcastic comment which his friends usually would have hated but he was allowed to say whatever today.
"Ha ha ha. Very funny, Lupin." Lily walked over to them, her tone was bitter but her expression was soft and concerned.
"And where have you been, exactly?" Remus raised a stern and motherly eyebrow.
"I was having a nice little chat with young Romely."
"And why, oh why would you be doing that?"
"She was asking me about school. Apparently, her older brother has been neglecting to tell her about actual studying and instead has been telling her ever single wicked way that you have been procrastinating and wasting time." Lily matched her best friends eyebrow raise, reminding him very much of Mrs Potter.
"Yeah, Moony. Can't believe you would waste your school time pranking Slytherins and neglecting your revision. You are such a terrible influence on the bright young mind of your sister." Sirius shook his head, waving around his long dark hair.
"No right. You have absolutely no right telling anyone that they are a bad influence Mr. Black. If I recall correctly, you were the one encouraging poor lupin to abandon his precious textbooks in favour of releasing frogs into the great hall and throwing parties in the common room." Mary interrupted after leaving her very engaging looking conversation with one of Remus' older male cousins, dragging Marlene with her as if she was some kind of third wheel, clutching awkwardly onto a bike like a broken stabilizer.
"In my defence," Sirius threw his hands up in defeat, a wicked grin creeping across his face. "it was a good party."
"It was a Tuesday!" Marlene exclaimed, finally finding her voice after being set free from witnessing Mary heavily flirting with a someone at their uncles funeral.
"You know I hate to interrupt this little catch up sesh, but speaking of parties..." James cut in, somewhat rudely but with the best intentions. "What are our plans for the big 'welcome back' thing that we promised before leaving for the summer. People expect things from us especially after that last Halloween bash."
"We can discuss that tonight." Remus said, a sense of excitement growing inside him. Finally a release from one of the dreariest summers you could imagine. "Once my family have left. You guys are still staying over, right?"
"Well yeah, unless you can find a night bus from buttfuck nowhere in the middle of Wales to London in the next two hours." Dorcas grinned sipping a beer that Sirius had smuggled for her.
"Great." Remus beamed, thankful that his friends would be with him until the end of summer. They had to catch the train to Hogwarts in three days so it wasn't going to be long but at least they'd be together until Christmas. "Two of you girls will have to share the spare room and two of you will have to bunk with Rom. And Mum said that since my room is smaller only one person can share with me and the other two will have to sleep in the living room. That all okay?"
It had to be okay. After an appropriate amount of time after everyone had parted ways, Lily and Mary bunked with Romely and Marlene and Dorcas were shared the spare room. James knew that Peter would rather swap spit with a dragon and give birth to its spiky offspring than share a room with Sirius and Sirius alone, so he offered to sleep downstairs with Pete while Remus was stuck with his nice but ever so annoying best friend.
"I like your room." Sirius said as he gazed around in wonder. Remus attempted to find the tiniest trace of irony in his voice but he couldn't find it. Sirius was being genuine.
"Really?" Remus questioned him. He too looked around his room, which consisted of a single bed, grey blue walls, a small wardrobe and a bookshelf. He had a few posters stuck around haphazardly but most of his posters were already folded up and packed into his suitcase ready for school and it was the same for most of his albums and favourite books, leaving his room looking quite boring and desperately empty despite the very small amount of floor space being covered up by a mattress complete with a sleeping bag and pillow.
"Yeah. Its cosy."
"I know its small but Mum thought that Romely deserved the biggest room while I mostly lived at school, you know?"
"Yeah, I guess. But my room..." Sirius swallowed hard, turning away from Remus. "...at the house, is like four times this size but it was always cold and dark..." His voice trailed off as he pretended to admire what was left of Remus' books.
"My dad would never come in here. He tried a few times but if he got in I'd always jump out the window. I didn't want him turning my safe space all bad like he did with everything else."
"You jumped out the window?"
"Its not a big drop."
"What would you do after that? Go round the front and ring to doorbell?"
"Nah, I'd just walk to the village and back until it was dark." Remus hesitated. He sort of wished that Sirius would stop talking about it but at the same time it felt good to get it off his chest. "Sometimes he'd come looking for me but sometimes I could stay out all night and he wouldn't bother."
"You stayed out all night?"
"I had a... a friend. He lived in the village. So I would stay with hm sometimes but his parents decided to move a couple years ago."
"What was his name?"
"Rhys."
"Was he-"
Before Sirius could finish his question, Hope Lupin had opened the door, peeking her head around with a kind expression on her face. "Would either of you boys like a cup of tea?"
"No thank you, Mrs Lupin." Sirius smiled politely, his voice raising half an octave.
"Oh please, dear. Call me Hope."
And with that she disappeared, closing the door and leaving the two boys in an awkward silence.
"We should... uh..." Sirius attempted to break the silence but returned unsuccessful in his mission.
"Get changed." Remus finished his sentence for him. "We should get change for bed."
"Yes. We should do that." Sirius said as he began to dig out some pyjamas from his suitcase.
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No. Its fine. Its not like we've never shared a room before."
"Yeah. Yeah. Okay then."
The two boys changed their clothes at lightning speed. If you had asked either of them the exact reason for this new found tension between them, neither would have been able to give you a straight answer despite knowing exactly why they felt weird all of a sudden.
"How do you reckon the others are getting on?" Remus asked once they were both dressed and tucked comfortably into bed.
"Going to be totally honest with you." Sirius began. "Mary and your sister are definitely talking absolute shit about you."
"That is not good. There are things Mary and Lily know about me that my sister can never ever find out." Remus laughed.
"Ooh. Anything fun? I must know everything now."
"You probably know most of it."
"Most?"
"Yes?"
"Why not all?"
"Oh... Um..." The breath caught in Remus' throat, finding it utterly impossible to string enough words together to form a complete sentence. "I... Uh..."
"Merlin." Sirius laughed out loud, sitting up slightly to grab the edge of the bed. "I was only joking mate. No need to go into shock there."
Now that Remus could fully see his friend, his face dropped immediately. He reached out his hand to touch Sirius' slowly, realising that the poor boy was shaking all through his body.
"Are you... are you okay?"
Sirius looked confused until he saw his hand also shivering completely. "Oh yeah. Just a little cold. Its okay."
"Do you... um... want to... uh... share with me?" Remus just about managed to say. "It'll be warmer than you sleeping on the floor."
At first Sirius' face was the picture of pure horror but the icy expression soon melted into one of relief. "Sure. It'll be like when we were twelve and I used to get nightmares."
Remus let out a sigh, watching as Sirius climbed onto the mattress cautiously avoiding eye contact. "Oh yeah. I remember that."
Sirius pulled the duvet so that it covered both of them up to their shoulders where they lay face to face with each other in silence.
"Is that better?" Remus dared to ask. Nervous to speak when their bodies were so close.
"Yeah." Sirius breathed.
They let the silence hang over them like a heavy blanket for a while. Growing more comfortable staring into each others eyes as they both were too afraid to be the first one to fall asleep.
"Sirius." Remus spoke softly as if he was weaving silk with his tongue.
"Yes."
"Can I tell you something?"
"Yes." Sirius insisted, his head full of ideas of what might come next.
"I did it."
"Did what?"
"I killed him. My dad. I killed Lyall."