Chapter 14
“Hey, Mary?” Lily murmured after emerging from the bathroom with Marlene. “Can I talk to you for a second, please?” She was basically pleading. Mary could barely look at her. Lily wanted to scream.
Mary shrugged, still avoiding Lily’s gaze, but got up nonetheless, getting to a more secluded corner where they likely wouldn’t be overheard.
Lily breathed in. And out. And in again. Suddenly, breathing felt like the most tasking activity in the world. Her ribs ached. Her chest ached. Had breathing always been so difficult? It was only two steps, and quite simple ones, at that. In and out. And yet, Lily felt as though she was trying to inhale something solid. Where was the air? Where-
“Lily!” Mary interrupted. It wasn’t her usual kind tone, but more like an irritated one. Angry. Bitter. Lily didn’t like that at all.
Once again, she’d let her own emotions get the best of her, putting her friendship with Mary on the line. Stupid. Of course, Lily knew Mary had absolutely every right to kiss everyone in the castle if she pleased, but Lily’s head couldn’t seem to accept that without her stomach turning to knots.
“Sorry.” Lily muttered, looking at her feet.
“About what?” Mary replied sharply, her arms crossed. Lily wanted those arms to be around her.
“About everything.” Lily confessed, almost like a secret. Because it was, wasn’t it? Lily was sorry, and she’d say it a million times, but her reasons were locked up in a drawer only she had the key to. Secret.
“Not good enough.” Mary commented.
“I know.” Lily said. “I know, Mary.” Nothing I do is ever enough, she thought, but now truly wasn’t the time to go down that road. “I’m sorry about reacting the way I did. I don’t care how many people you’ve kissed, if it’s thirteen or a hundred. I don’t care that you didn’t tell me about them. I don’t- Well, it’s not like I don’t care, but I shouldn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She breathed out, the words scratching at her throat like claws. “You never do.” She added, mostly to herself. Because that was it, really. Lily was always the one getting things wrong, and then not owning up to them. It wasn’t Mary’s fault that Lily fancied her. It wasn’t Mary’s fault that she couldn’t be fucking normal about it. And it certainly wasn’t Mary’s fault that she was lying to her about it.
No, it was always Lily. Just her. And yet Mary stayed. But would she? If she knew, would she?
“Does it-” Mary started, hesitating. “Does it have anything to do with… With what Dorcas asked you?” She wondered, almost looking scared. Honestly, Lily preferred the anger.
She was almost certain Mary hadn’t looked scared when she found out about Marlene. So, why was she? Could she know?
She knew. Lily was sure of it. What other explanation could there be? She knew, and everything Lily tried so hard to keep would be gone, forever.
“Because, if it does, I get it. I mean, it doesn’t make it okay, but I get that you, as a… Well, I don’t actually know what you identify as, but-”
“Lesbian.” Lily said hurriedly. Better to just take the band-aid off. Either way, in a few minutes, Mary would want nothing else to do with her, so it really didn’t matter. “I’m a lesbian.” She repeated, clearer this time. That wasn’t the hard part.
“Okay.” Mary nodded, trying to be understanding. But how could she understand what came next? The deception? The lies? “Okay, then, as a lesbian, I do get why you wouldn’t like hearing about it, because it’s not as easy for you.”
Of course, Mary would be nice about it. Mary accepted her. But would she?
“It doesn’t really give me an excuse for being a bitch about it, though.” Lily said. Because that was what she was doing. In the name of doing Mary a favour, she’d actually been hurting her even more, just out of self-preservation. Selfishness in a veil of consideration.
“You weren’t-” Mary started, then stopped herself mid-sentence. “Well, maybe a bit, actually.” She chuckled. Lily’s own dose of liquid luck. “But it’s okay.”
“So… You forgive me?” Lily asked, hopeful.
“‘Course I do.” Mary said, smiling as she took Lily into her arms. “And I’m proud of you. For, you know, coming out and everything.”
Lily grinned, her face hidden in Mary’s shoulder.
Mary was a fire, burning bright, engulfing everything she crossed in flames in the sweetest way possible. Lily was just glad to be on her path, catching fire like a crumpled up piece of paper. Annihilation had never felt so good.
***
“C’mon, you must remember something.” Marlene insisted, sitting at the bottom of Lily’s bed. Apparently, she thought it would be a good idea to wake her up early after a night of getting absolutely pissed to question her.
“I told you I don’t.” Lily said for what felt like the hundredth time. Maybe it was. “I just want to go back to sleep, Marls. Why don’t you ask them?”
Marlene looked at her like she’d just said the Earth was flat. “Ask her? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one, Lils.”
“Hey!” Lily complained, glaring at Marlene, though that proved to be quite the challenge, given that she was still laying down, refusing to accept the fact that she wouldn’t be able to sleep again.
“What, I’m just meant to go up to my rival and ask them, “hey, did I, by any chance, kiss you last night?”?” Marlene said, rolling her eyes. “Absolutely not.”
“I still can’t believe you don’t remember.” Lily commented. “I mean, you would think a thing like that would stay in your brain. You just have to look for it in the right dra-, er, in the right place, I mean.”
“It’s not that simple.” Marlene countered. “I am never drinking again.” She declared.
“Liar.” Lily snorted.
“Did you really not see?” Marlene asked again, making Lily groan.
“I was talking to Mary.” She explained. Marlene smirked.
“Is that so?” She asked cheekily, seeming to forget about her own worries for just a second.
“As friends.” Lily specified.
“Sure, whatever you say.” Marlene replied, not believing it for a second. As if Lily would be acting this normal if something had happened between her and Mary. She’d probably be six feet under already. “Anyway, do you think someone else might have seen it?”
“Well, Mary and I were talking, Remus and Sirius were probably swapping spit all night, James only had eyes for Regulus…” Lily started, counting people with her fingers. “Maybe Peter, but he’s a pretty messy drunk, so I wouldn’t count on it. It’s more likely that some of Dorcas’ friends know, but I doubt you want to ask them.” She concluded.
Marlene contemplated it. “How mad do you think Peter would be if I went into his dorm right now and woke him up?” She asked.
“As someone’s who’s already suffered from such thing, I should advise you against it.” Lily responded, rubbing her eyes. “But, either way, I’m sure that, if Dorcas remembers, they’ll be acting weird around you. That might be your answer.”
“Yeah, but I will also be acting weird around her, probably, and I don’t know if it happened or not.” Marlene retorted and, well, how could Lily argue against that?
“You should ask Mary about it, she’s much better with all this stuff than I am.” Lily concluded, because it was true. Lily didn’t know how to give advice. She was barely managing not to constantly screw her own life up, and people expected her to fix theirs?
“What if I do the pensieve thing?” Marlene said, completely ignoring Lily. “That could work, right? I just take the memory out and look at it.”
Lily shook her head. “You need to actually be able to recall it to do that. The pensieve would just register the things you remember, so it would be the same. And, either way, there’s no way we could get a pensieve.” She argued. Marlene deflated.
“What if you asked one of their friends to tell you if they saw anything?” Marlene proposed. Well, it was more of an order thinly veiled as a proposition, but at least she tried.
“Not a chance.” Lily refused. “But I’m sure James would be more than happy to have an excuse to talk to Regulus. You should ask him.” Lily offered. She wasn’t completely heartless, but there was no way that she would be doing Marlene’s bidding, as the most socially awkward person in all of Hogwarts.
***
“No!” Marlene gasped, staring at Mary with wide eyes. “They broke up?”
Mary hummed in agreement, nodding her head with a self-satisfied smile on her face. She’d always liked getting to tell her friends about fresh gossip, and seeing their bemused faces.
Now, for example, Marlene’s baffled expression was enough to make Mary grin, pleased.
“Didn't they break up, like, two months ago?” Lily asked, brows furrowed.
“They were on a break.” Mary clarified, taking Lily’s hand and doodling all around it with her quill, completely ignoring professor Binns, who had just come in.
“What’s the difference?” Lily questioned, smiling down at the heart Mary had drawn next to her pinkie.
“Not much, really.” Mary shrugged.
“It’s the period of time couples spend apart ‘cause they don’t have the guts to break up yet.” Marlene said bluntly, running the feathery part of her quill along her face, for some reason.
“That’s stupid.” Lily commented. It truly was. If people had no desire to stay together, why would they?
If Lily actually bothered to think about it, she could understand the nuances, but she still thought it was really quite simple. You either like someone, or you don’t.
“Indeed it is, Lils.” Mary smiled. Lily practically swooned at the sight.
“Settle down, students.” Professor Binns said, his monotonous voice barely audible amidst the hubbub. No one paid him much attention, but Lily shushed her friends and stared straight ahead, to him.
Lily, as a rule, was always quiet and attentive in class. Sure, to get good grades, but mostly just out of empathy. Having to teach so many teenagers in a stuffy classroom while none of them paid attention to what you were saying surely couldn’t be good for one’s mental health.
“Now, before we start, I’m going to give you the exams you did last week.” Professor Binns said. “For those who got good grades, don’t get cocky. For those who didn’t, start working harder.” He said, pointedly looking at a group of Hufflepuffs laughing at the back of the class.
Mary rolled her eyes. Marlene shook her head, scoffing. Lily just bit the inside of her cheek. She thought she did good. Obviously not good enough to get a full mark, but still. She’d crammed for it, memorising dates and names she would never even use. Annoying all her friends into quizzing her before the exam. They all complained about her microscopic handwriting, and she’d end up spending more time explaining why doing summaries that way was actually better for studying than actually studying.
With a single wave of Binns’ wand, the exams went flying across the room, landing in front of each student. Lily’s thumb touched each of her fingers. One, two, three, four. Again. Again. Again.
And again until her own work reached her. And once more for good measure.
“As you will see,” Binns started, “I have given you two grades: one in numbers, from 0 to 100, and one in the regular letters, to let you know exactly where you are. Keep this in mind for your actual exams at the end of the term.”
Inhaling sharply, Lily turned over her exam, covering the paper with her arms so no one would see it. Just in case.
Lily wasn’t full of herself, not really. She’d never been. Just based on facts, she half-expected to find an Outstanding mark. Anything over an 85 would do.
She cracked her knuckles before finally looking at the score.
Exceeds Expectations. 75.
Her stomach dropped.
She’d only ever gotten seventy-something two times before. Once, back in muggle school, in music. The other time happened on her first year at Hogwarts, flying lessons. She’d cried both times. The third time would be no exception.
Professor Binns had written “good job” right next to the shameful mark. Lily almost laughed. Good job? Her worst exam ever, and he congratulated her? That wasn’t a good job. It was barely acceptable to her.
It wasn’t enough.
When would it ever be? When would she be enough?
Lily wasn’t enough for her sister. Not enough for her parents. For her friends. And the only thing she considered herself good at, the thing she based all her life around, had betrayed her, too.
Who was she, if not the smart one? Was she worth anything, if her work wasn’t?
When she’d been praised for her cleverness ever since she had a conscience, how was she meant to cope with the fact that she couldn’t always achieve excellence? That was what people expected of her. She did, too.
They never said it, not really, but Lily knew. “That’s our girl”, they said when she got the best grade in class. “Wouldn’t expect anything less”, they smiled when she did well on an exam she’d stayed up all night, among tears and papers, studying. “What happened?”, they asked when she’d worked just as hard, but got a slightly lower result. “Are you okay?”, they questioned when she hadn’t got the desired grade. Because, obviously, Lily had to be absolutely fine all the time, unless her academic performance started to reflect that she wasn’t.
Because why did she have any reason to be unhappy, if she was the first in class? If it was so easy for her. Because it had always been, hadn’t it? Why would it change?
Everyone told her that grades didn’t matter that much. That she should just let loose a little. That she shouldn’t worry so much. And yet, the moment she wasn’t the person with the best grade, people started worrying about her.
That was it. Lily was fine until her grades weren’t, and only then.
She took a shaky breath, putting her hands behind her neck after flipping her exam paper once more. She let her hair down, the red covering her face from the sides. Lily didn’t want anyone to see her. Tears welled up in her eyes. She was a failure.
“Hey, Lily?” Someone said. It might have been Marlene, or Mary, or one of the boys. It might have been no one at all.
Lily couldn’t find it in herself to answer. She could barely breathe.
Blurry vision. Muffled sounds. Lily’s senses were betraying her. She felt like she was going to throw up.
The class went on. Lily wasn’t listening. She couldn’t. Her face burned, and it took everything she had to not let her tears fall like they so clearly wanted to. She kept her eyes on her exam and, when it levitated back to the professor, she just stared at her empty table. She didn’t want to be there. She just wanted the moment to end. She wanted to go cry in her room, or scream at the top of her lungs, or-
She wanted to be anywhere but there. Anywhere but then.
Just one hour, she told herself. Just one hour, and she could run out of there, and hide in the bathroom while she questioned what to do with her life among tears and sobs.
Just one hour. She could do it.
***
That was, apparently, easier said than done. That hour felt like a million years. Entire ecosystems were born and collapsed during that fraction of time. A star exploded. A flower grew and withered. Lily stayed the same. She barely even moved at all.
It was only when she noticed the students’ jabber getting noticeably louder that she gathered all her things and hurried to the door, immediately going up to her dorm.
Luckily, that was her last class of the day, so it really wouldn’t matter if she just stayed there for the whole day, exhausting all her tear supply until her body had no choice but to stop crying.
As soon as the door closed behind her, Lily broke down, sitting on the floor, her back resting on the door. Very literary.
After a while of just sobbing there, her head on her knees, arms wrapped around her legs, Lily wasn’t feeling any better.
She looked through the drawers of her mind for the one that was always open and at reach for her. The song. Lily always sung it in her head when she was overwhelmed. It was comforting. It wasn’t about the lyrics, or- well, about anything, really. Nothing in particular. It was just the song that she heard once and immediately felt better because of it. It calmed her and, once she tried it after a particularly hard week for her, there was just no going back.
It just had that effect on her. And so it started. Lily just kept replaying that song over and over inside her brain, breathing in and out, until a gentle knock on the door made her stop.
“Lily?” It was Mary. Lily sniffled. She didn’t want Mary to see her like that, but she moved away from the door anyway, saying nothing. Maybe company would do her good.
The door opened a bit, just enough for Mary to pop her head through the opening.
“Can I come in?” She asked. Of course Mary would ask for permission to come into a room that was hers as much as it was Lily’s, and actually wait for the answer.
Lily shrugged, not even looking into her eyes. She didn’t want to see their pity. She didn’t even want to risk seeing her reflection in them.
“Alright?” Mary said gently, taking Lily to her bed and making her sit down before she herself fell onto the mattress.
Lily shrugged again.
“Is this about the history exam?” Mary asked tentatively, taking Lily’s hand (the one she’d previously doodled on) and tracing patterns on it. It actually did help Lily a bit, but that probably had more to do with Mary herself than whatever she was doing.
Lily nodded this time. She swallowed harshly, and swiftly counted up to fifteen before answering. “I got a 75.” She muttered, forcing herself not to cry again.
Mary opened her mouth before promptly shutting it again. Lily already knew what she was going to say. That it was a great grade, and that Lily ought to be proud of it. That the exam was really difficult, and getting such a high grade on it was a great feat. That she didn’t have to let grades define her.
Lily didn’t want to hear it. She knew all that already, but it didn’t help. She couldn’t change the way she felt about it, as much as she wanted to.
“I got a 64.” Mary announced proudly. Lily wished she could be like her.
“That’s great, Mary!” Lily said. And she meant it. She really thought it was a good grade for Mary. She never held anyone to the standards she imposed on herself. She truly believed it when she said they did a great job, even if she’d throw herself into the Black Lake with stones in her pockets à la Virginia Woolf if she ever got that same score.
“That either makes you a liar or a hypocrite; you know that, right?”
“I prefer the term “self demanding”, actually.” Lily tried to joke, but her voice came out stuffy, hanging on by a thread. Just like her.
“I prefer the term “full of shit”.” Mary replied bluntly, making Lily chuckle a bit.
“But you know I’m not lying, right?”
“Just a hypocrite, then?”
“Sure. I can live with that.” Lily smiled. Even when Mary was calling her out on her bullshit, she managed to make her feel better. That was just extremely pathetic.
***
Dorcas’ head was throbbing. Their whole body ached. Her mind was still foggy. The last thing they remembered-
Oh.
Oh, no.
Out of all the things alcohol could’ve burnt out of her memory, did it really have to be that one?
They’d been flirting with McKinnon. What in the world possessed her to do that?
Did it amount to anything? Dorcas didn’t even want to think about the possibilities. Hopefully, Marlene had also been too out of it to remember if anything happened.
Suddenly, they didn’t feel like sleeping anymore. Instead, she put on the first clothes she could find and marched right to the boys’ dorm.
They looked at the time on their watch. Just before noon. At least they wouldn’t be too mad if she woke them up when it was almost time to have lunch. Right?
***
Wrong. As soon as Dorcas opened the door, two pillows collided with their face.
“Hey!” She complained, turning on the light as revenge, and to see the culprits behind her attack. Of course, it was Evan and Barty. Regulus had chosen to use his to block out the brightness, whereas the other two were now wincing and cursing. Typical.
“I hate you.” Evan said, glaring at them. Dorcas just rolled her eyes.
“Anyway, do any of you-” She started.
“Don’t talk to me.” Barty interrupted, holding his hand out in mocked offence.
Dorcas sighed and turned to Evan, about to open their mouth again.
“Don’t talk to me or my b- Evan.” Barty said, turning red by the end of his sentence. Dorcas chuckled under their breath.
Instead of pestering them any further, Dorcas went to sit by Regulus bed to annoy him about her problems.
“Hey, Reggie…” They said in an overly sweet voice.
“No.” Regulus said simply, his voice muffled by the pillow on his face.
“Yes.” Dorcas disagreed, grabbing the pillow to try and get it off him.
“Leave me alone.” Regulus groaned, still a bit sleepy.
“But it’s an emergency!” Dorcas insisted, yanking harder until she finally removed the pillow from his face. Regulus squinted at her angrily.
“I am sure it’s not.” He retorted, turning over to avoid Dorcas’ gaze.
“Yes, it is.” They argued. “Did anything worthy of mention happen yesterday?” She asked finally, her leg bobbing nervously.
“That’s your emergency?” Regulus questioned, apparently stunned enough to turn back around and face Dorcas.
“You don’t understand, Reg.” Dorcas shook their head. “You cannot, under any circumstances, tell anyone this, but I think last night, McKinnon and I were flirting and… Well, actually, I don’t know what happened next, which is why I’m asking you.”
“You know, Dorcas, as shocking as this may sound, the world doesn’t revolve around you.” Regulus stated, making Dorcas roll their eyes, again. At that rate, she’d go blind in a matter of days.
“So?”
“So,” he continued, annoyed, “you can’t just expect everyone to know what you’re up to at any time.”
“No, but I think that this particular turn of events might be important enough for even you to notice.” They retorted, crossing her arms.
“You do realise I could easily lie to you about it, right?” Regulus arched an eyebrow.
“You are genuinely the most annoying person I have ever met.” Dorcas replied.
“I try my best.” He answered sarcastically. “Oh, and you saying this is not helping your case at all.” He added.
“Ugh, just tell me, Reg.” Dorcas insisted.
“No.” He said simply.
“What? C’mon.”
“I told you. The answer’s no, you didn’t.” He finally revealed. Dorcas let out a sigh of relief, although they couldn’t help but feel a bit… disappointed? No, that certainly couldn’t be. “Not for lack of trying, mind you.” Dorcas furrowed her brows.
“What are you on about?”
“You seriously don’t remember?” Regulus wondered.
“Oh, actually I remember perfectly, I just wanted to pretend I didn’t to embarrass myself even further.” Dorcas said sarcastically, rolling their eyes. “Obviously, I don’t.”
“We practically had to force you apart.” Regulus commented offhandedly, as if he wasn’t completely changing Dorcas’ perception of herself and their ideals.
“Why would you care if we kissed, anyway?”
“First kisses should never happen while drunk.” He said. “Plus, you would’ve killed me if I’d let it happen. Don’t deny it.”
“I wasn’t going to.” It was probably true, in any case. She was secretly thankful Regulus didn’t let it happen, although they wouldn’t let him know after the amount of convincing it took for him to actually tell them.
“Do you think McKinnon will remember it?” Regulus asked Dorcas curiously. That was new.
“I hope not. I would simply have to leave Hogwarts and live as a Muggle out of sheer embarrassment.” Dorcas said, only half-joking.
“Do you really think this was just your doing?” Regulus scoffed. Even when he was trying to reassure Dorcas, he managed to be mean about it. “Obviously, Marlene was acting as stupid as you were.”
“Surely she was more stupid, though, right?”
“Do you really want me to answer that, Cas?”
“I suppose not.” They sighed.
***
Dorcas did not want to go to class that day. Potions with McKinnon wasn’t really on her wish list. Especially when they had to be partners because Slughorn insisted on it. It wasn’t like Dorcas really had any friends with whom she’d rather be paired up, but they could certainly do better than Marlene McKinnon (regardless of the way drunk Dorcas acted toward the girl. They were simply not the same person, as Dorcas concluded).
In spite of their inner pondering and the dread of having to see Marlene after their almost kiss, Dorcas got up, put on her uniform and made her way to the Potions classroom.
It was still a bit early when they arrived, with barely a handful of people coming in, too. Of course, as Dorcas’ luck would have it, they were alone with a Gryffindor whose name she didn’t know, and McKinnon’s whole gang, with the girl in question talking cheerily to Mary.
Dorcas observed them covertly, pretending to look at the clock on the wall behind the group. It was a shame that Remus and Peter, with whom she got along with the best, didn’t take Potions this year. Instead, Dorcas was stuck with Regulus’ obnoxious brother and the bloke who seemed to be constantly chasing after him. Mary was alright, but Dorcas barely counted her because she clearly seemed to think Marlene and Dorcas fancied each other, or something like that.
Professor Slughorn had told them that the class would only contain theory that day, so they wouldn’t need to join their partners, thankfully. Seriously, having to work with Marlene should be considered the tenth circle of Dante’s Inferno.
***
Dorcas was drawing triangles on the corner of a parchment paper when professor Slughorn came in (seven minutes late, might they add), still putting his cloak on. Dorcas shook her head, exasperated. The man wasn’t even carrying any sort of equipment in order to teach his class.
He got to his desk, a bit breathless, and looked at the students who were staring up at him. Dorcas’ quill stopped on the paper, leaving a blot of ink there to ruin their doodles.
“Hello, students. You can put away your books and papers because there’s been a change of plans.” Slughorn said, smoothing his robes as he talked. “You can all get together with your partners, take a cauldron, and elaborate the potion we reviewed last week. You will be graded, so I recommend you take this seriously.”
Typical. The professor left his things Merlin knows where, and the students had to pay for it with a surprise test. There went all of Dorcas’ plans to avoid Marlene because there was no way they’d be getting out of this one.
Dorcas prepared their cauldron and started going over the ingredients list they wrote on the previous week in her mind. 5 gold bugs, a handful of ground mandrake seeds-
“What’s that?” McKinnon’s annoying voice interrupted them. She was pointing at Dorcas’ conjoined triangles, which took up about a quarter of the page.
“Triangles?” Dorcas said in a condescending tone. “I mean, I know there are no maths in Hogwarts, but I reckon that’s gotta be common knowledge.”
“Aren’t you tired of being so fucking vexing, Meadowes?” Marlene retorted.
“Ask that to yourself, McKinnon. And who the fuck says “vexing”?” Dorcas answered, crossing their arms.
“I do. Maybe your brain isn’t equipped to understand, let alone use, words that anyone over the age of 12 knows, but mine certainly is.”
“Is that meant to offend me? My brother can do better than this, and he’s 10.”
“Shut up.” Marlene groaned. Her words immediately took Dorcas back to that infamous night.
“Shut up.” Marlene said again, breathlessly this time. Their foreheads collided softly. Dorcas wanted to feel those words whispered in her mouth. She wanted to pull Marlene close enough to chart the constellations in her eyes. They wanted to taste how much she really hated them. They wanted a lot of things.
“Make me.” Dorcas whispered again because, what else could they do? The mood had shifted. It was much more serious now, wasn’t it? Dorcas could feel it. And-
“Hey!” Marlene shouted. “What the hell are you doing?”
Dorcas was so glad Marlene couldn’t see all the blood rushing to her cheeks. “You told me to shut up, didn’t you? Make up your mind.” They scoffed, hoping the sound of her beating heart could be camouflaged among the students’ chatter.
It wasn’t like they liked Marlene, obviously, but it was still embarrassing. They didn’t even know if Marlene remembered, and she couldn’t really ask her that, could they?
“Let’s just get this done.” Marlene sighed. “The sooner, the better.” She muttered, making Dorcas roll their eyes.
They worked silently for the entire hour without many problems. Of course, there were a few awkward moments where the two of them went to pick something up and their hands brushed. Dorcas felt impossibly stupid for turning into a mess every time it happened, but at least Marlene wasn’t any better, and she didn’t really seem to want to talk about what had happened (or, rather, what had almost happened) either, which worked out quite well for Dorcas.
***
Dorcas’ friends were laughing at her.
“Oh, oh! Your hands brushed. Get me a suit right now because the wedding is imminent.” Barty joked, barely able to contain his laughter to finish the sentence.
“Hey, you asked! I am simply telling you what happened.” Dorcas defended herself, annoyed.
“Actually, it was Pandora who asked you. I can make fun of you all I want.” Barty specified.
“Well, I think it’s cute.” Pandora herself said. She probably thought she was helping Dorcas, but that was far from what they wanted to hear.
“It’s not cute, Dora. She’s repulsive.”
“That certainly wasn’t your opinion on Friday.” Evan commented, lazily doing his Charms homework in his bed, which was just a recipe for disaster, in Dorcas’ (well-informed and experienced) opinion, with the pot of fresh ink barely managing to keep its balance on the soft sheets.
“We will never speak of that night again.” Dorcas stated sharply, although their friends didn’t seem keen on letting it go anytime soon.
“Why are we only bothering Dorcas, when Regulus clearly also-?” Pandora started, being interrupted by a flying shoe that very nearly hit her.
“Er, let’s not do that.” Regulus said threateningly. Dorcas had been friends with him long enough to not let that intimidate them anymore.
“No, actually, let’s revisit that.” Dorcas countered. “What were you talking about, Pandora?” They asked.
“If you hadn’t been so busy flirting with Marlene, you would know. Tough luck.” Regulus said, glaring at Dorcas.
“You don’t have enough shoes to silence all of us.” Barty grinned.
“I come from a rich family, Barty, of course I have enough shoes, and more.”
“But you ran away.” Evan said bluntly. That was the good thing about Evan: he went straight to the point.
“Yeah, with two shoes on my feet and a full suitcase.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Anyway,” Pandora jumped in, “Regulus was flirting-”
“Talking.” Regulus corrected, brows furrowed, apparently resigned (but not happy) to let Pandora tell Dorcas what had happened.
“-with James, and he asked Reg to go on a date with him in-”
“Not a date,” Regulus interrupted again, “just to hang out. As friends.”
“Hanging out as friends is much more embarrassing than just going on a date, Reg.” Barty chuckled.
“It’s not.” Regulus complained.
“It is.”
“It’s n-”
Pandora cleared her throat loudly, making them all stop talking.
“As I was saying,” she said harshly, “James asked Regulus to “hang out”,” she mimed quotation marks with her fingers, making Regulus sigh, “and he said yes!”
“As friends.” He stressed.
“Sure.” Dorcas said, not believing it for a second. “I think you have a crush.” Dorcas said, laughing.
“I wasn’t aware you thought at all.” Regulus retorted.
“You’re not denying it.” Dorcas pointed out.
“With you, it wouldn’t make a difference.” He rolled his eyes. “You only believe what you wish to be true.”
“Obviously.” Barty agreed. “And I personally believe that you’ve got it bad for Potter, actually.”
“Believe what you will, Bartemius, but that won’t change the fact that you are catastrophically wrong.” Regulus shrugged. Dorcas disagreed silently. She was sure he would get tired of denying it soon enough. It wasn’t like he was fooling anyone, in any case.
***
Dorcas was crying. They were curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth slightly on a secluded corner of the library. It was six o’clock. Pandora was meant to be there at five. Pandora wasn’t there.
In her place, Pandora had sent one of her little paper aeroplanes with a hurriedly written note that just said, “sorry, I can’t come. Something came up, XXX”.
Pandora didn’t cancel plans without a good reason, especially not with Dorcas, and they knew that. Still, she couldn’t help but feel angry. Not at her, really, but at the situation. They’d made a plan.
They were meant to meet at five in the library to study, and go watch the boys’ practice once they were finished. Evidently, that was no longer happening.
So, because Dorcas made too big a deal out of everything, they were on the floor now, her back resting on a creaking bookcase.
She kept muttering, “it’s okay,” over and over again, because they truly felt like they weren’t. Could it be possible that the whole world collapsed because one person couldn’t carry out their prescheduled plans? At that moment, it certainly felt that way to Dorcas.
Reasonably, they knew that it wasn’t a big deal. Really, it wasn’t. Dorcas could study alone, meet with Pandora another day, just go on with her life as usual. But, in her mind, the idea they had of their day included a specific set of activities so, when it derived from that, it took her a while to accept it.
She knew it was irrational and unrealistic, expecting everything to always go exactly as planned, but it wasn’t like they could help it.
Instead, they focused on breathing in and out, the inhales and exhales combined with whispered words meant to be reassuring, which weren’t really helping much, if they were honest. They even felt a bit condescending because things were clearly not okay, fine, or alright.
“Are you okay?” Dorcas could’ve laughed at that if they weren’t trying so hard to not spiral completely. What a way to add insult to injury, really.
They looked up, seeing none other than Lily Evans staring down at her with a worried expression.
“What does it look like?” Dorcas snapped. They didn’t mean to be rude but, seriously, what kind of stupid question was that? You don’t ask a person who’s crying on the floor, moments from having a nervous breakdown, if they’re okay.
“Right,” Lily nodded, sitting down beside them. “Do you wanna talk about it?” She offered instead.
“It’s nothing.” Dorcas shook their head. Lily raised an eyebrow, surely about to disagree. “It’s just really dumb, alright?”
“It’s not dumb if it’s matters to you, and it certainly looks like it does.”
“Then I don’t want to talk about it.” Dorcas shrugged. They wouldn’t expect Lily, or anyone, for that matter, to understand. Dorcas was barely able to grasp it herself.
“Okay, fair.” Lily said, her finger running over the golden letters of the book she was holding, presumably to return it to its place before she stumbled upon the mess that was Dorcas at that moment.
“Why aren’t you mad at me?” Dorcas wondered. She meant it to sound like a genuine question, but it came out a bit accusatory.
“Should I be?” Lily answered with another question.
“Well, yes! I wasn’t really considerate the other day, and I’m not being much better today. You’ve got every right to be.”
“I’m not.” Lily said simply. “You apologised for that before, and I’d be the last to blame you for snapping at someone when you’re clearly going through something.”
“Oh, yeah, you’d know all about that, perfect little Miss Evans, wouldn’t you?” Dorcas asked, again, much meaner than she intended.
“Yes, actually.” Lily responded, finally seeming a bit annoyed at Dorcas. Maybe that was what they were aiming for, after all. It didn’t last much, though. “How do you deal with it?” She asked, quieter. That was something Dorcas wasn’t expecting.
“Horribly.” They chuckled.
“Have you ever tried, like, singing a song? In your head?” Lily asked. Dorcas shook her head, confused. What was Lily on about?
“No?”
“Well, I’ve found that it’s actually quite helpful. You just think of a song you like and play it, but in your mind.” Lily explained, smiling at Dorcas. How the hell did Marlene end up with such good friends, with her shitty personality?
“What’s yours?” They wondered.
“Hasta Mañana, by ABBA.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Dorcas sighed. Of course, Lily’s song would be an ABBA one. Even before they knew her properly, they were aware about the girl’s obsession with the group. Everyone liked ABBA, to a certain extent, but Lily Evans was simply on another level. It also made Dorcas chuckle a bit that she had chosen one of the few songs they had in Spanish, given her infatuation with Mary.
“Hey, if it works, it works.” Lily shrugged.
“Touché.” Dorcas agreed, feeling a bit more calm than she was a few moments ago.
“So, what would yours be?” Lily asked them.
Dorcas paused to think about it.
“The First Cut is the Deepest.” They finally decided on.
Lily frowned. “I’ve never heard of it in my life.” She declared.
“What?” Dorcas gasped.
So she took Lily to her dorm and spent the whole afternoon showing her their favourite music, stating that it was a crime that Lily didn’t know the songs they played. It wasn’t their original plan, that’s for sure, but it wasn’t so bad, was it?