"This is it," Harry thought as he pulled the heavy razor out of the box. "I'm finally going to shave."
All of Harry's friends had started doing it and it really started to become a conversation when Harry had spent the night at Ron's house during a long weekend.
Harry and Ron were talking about it and Bill overheard them.
"My baby brother is finally going to shave!" Bill teased as he walked over to them.
"Shut it, Bill!" Ron said, his face almost as red as his hair.
"Aw, I'm just teasing you. Everyone does it at some point. You're fifth years now, yes?"
Ron and Harry nodded.
"I was around your age when I started. I used a spell fourth year, I think. I started shaving when I was a fifth year because it lasted longer."
"That's what we're doing," Harry commented.
Harry!" Ron hissed. He clearly didn't want his brother to know this information.
"It's okay, Ronnie. I won't tease you anymore. I had to figure all this stuff out on my own and I don't want you to have to. Wait here." Bill ran upstairs and Ron and Harry whispered back and forth until the eldest Weasley came back down.
"This is what I use," Bill said, showing them it.
Ron picked it up. "It's heavy."
Bill chuckled. "Yeah, it's a safety razor. You know I care about the Earth, and this is the way to do it. It's a lot less waste than the muggle disposable kind."
Ron crinkled his nose at the unknown words, but Harry recognized them. "I think my uncle used one… and my aunt Petunia. I remember buying them from the store."
Ron was surprised Harry said anything because he rarely says anything regarding his life with the Dursleys before Remus and Sirius rescued him.
Bill, however, just nodded. "Muggles use them a lot. This type is a lot better. There's a wizarding store that sells them in Diagon Alley. It's owned by a Muggleborn. I can give you the store name if you'd like?"
"Yeah, that'd be great! Thanks, Bill," Harry smiled.
It was like having the big brother he never had. "O' course, Harry. Ron, I have a new one you can have. It's just sitting in the box. That way I can help you with it."
"I'm not a baby!" Ron protested.
"No, you're not," Bill agreed, still patient with his hot-headed brother. "But shaving is a hard thing to handle and it's even harder with a safety razor. They might be better for the Earth, but they're hard to use."
Ron seemed to settle down with this information and Bill turned his attention to Harry now. "Use a disposable a few times and then use the safety one. If you want any help ask Ron and he can connect you with me. I'm happy to help my non-red-headed brother, too."
Harry gave Bill a warm smile as Ron changed the topic to something much more comfortable for him: chess.
Harry did do what Bill had recommended. He used a few disposable razors Seamus had brought with him, and then he owl ordered a safety razor from the store Bill suggested. He was currently in his dorm bathroom, because the thought of Sirius or Remus walking in on him would be too humiliating.
Harry wet his face and lathered up with shaving cream before getting the razor ready. He made his first stroke and he nicked himself.
Harry mentally sighed, but he was expecting this. He knew there was a bit of a learning curve. Harry put some toilet paper on it and went for another stroke.
Alas, another nick.
Harry gritted his teeth and tried again. This time he felt it and his face welled up with blood that was oozing from the cut.
"Shit!" Harry swore as he quickly held toilet paper to his face to slow the flow of blood.
It took a couple of minutes, but Harry was finally able to slow the bleeding and stop it.
"Maybe I ought to try something else first, just to get the hang of it," Harry thought.
Harry rolled up a pant leg and decided to try it on his leg, just to practice.
Harry managed one stroke with only a scratch, which encouraged him. He made another stroke but felt two huge cuts on his legs.
"Fuck! Shit!" Harry cried as he urgently reached for more toilet paper.
"Harry, are you okay in there?" A voice asked.
Harry swore under his breath. "Y-yeah! Just fine, Neville," Harry protested weakly, trying to stop the blood from his legs.
As he sat there trying to stop from bleeding out, he thought about how similar this was to cutting. He felt the adrenaline flow and he didn't mind the pain. Harry shook his head, trying to get out of the mindset.
"C'mon, Harry. Act normal. You can do it," Harry thought before trying one more swipe on his leg, only to wind up with another gaping slash.
Harry hissed and grabbed more toilet paper, only to run out.
He cursed being a boy and not being prepared in his dorms.
Harry eyed the razor as he tried to stop the blood from running down his red lower leg. He hadn't hurt himself in months and didn't want to relapse, but felt the tug.
"Harry, are you sure you're okay?" Neville asked, probably hearing Harry mutter under his breath.
Harry cursed. "Nev, can you get my dad?"
"Are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah. I just need my dad."
"I'll get him now!" Neville said, running away.
Harry didn't specify which dad, but he knew either Sirius or Remus would be helpful.
Somehow, Harry had a feeling Neville wasn't going to return with James.
Harry returned his attention to his accidental cuts and his brain switched between trying to stop the blood and getting lost in the feeling of it.
Neville was back with Remus quickly and later Harry realized that they must have taken the floo.
Harry wasn't surprised that Neville got Remus. He knew Neville was close to him and his classmate probably had a feeling it had to do with mental health, which Remus may know a little (a lot) about.
"Harry, it's Moony Da. Can I come in?"
"Yeah," Harry croaked out, bloody paper towel surrounding him.
"The door's locked. Can you unlock it?" Remus asked patiently.
"N-no," Harry said, knowing he couldn't get up without getting blood all over the ground.
"Can I alohomora my way in?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
"Okay, here I come," Remus said gently.
Harry heard Remus mumble the spell. Remus slipped in and shut the door behind him.
"What happened, Cub?" Remus asked, seeing the bloody toilet paper and razor.
"I wanted to shave," Harry said, lifting his head so Remus could see him.
"Okay," Remus nodded. "Let's get you cleaned up, yeah?"
Harry nodded and felt like he had a lump in his throat. He averted his eyes from Remus and squeezed them shut, saying, "Moony Da, the razor is on the sink. I-I need you to take it."
Remus had a good idea that this was more than a shaving error, but Harry's statement confirmed it for him. "I'll take care of it," Remus soothed. He banished it and then made his way next to Harry.
"Are you doing okay?"
Harry shook his head, his eyes still closed.
"I'm going to take care of the cuts, but you let me know if you need me to stop at any point, alright?" Remus said, his voice secure and kind.
"Okay," Harry agreed.
Remus took out a first aid kit from his pocket and enlarged it. He started with the cuts still bleeding on Harry's leg before moving to his face. He was able to fade his face cuts much more than his leg ones, but Harry didn't care about those. No one would see them, anyway.
When Remus was done cleaning and bandaging the wound, he wrapped himself around Harry.
"It's all done, Cub. You and I are going to take some breaths together, yeah?"
Harry nodded, relishing how safe he feels with his dad.
Remus coached him through some deep breathing and then said, "Nice job. Are you ready to open your eyes?"
"Yeah," Harry croaked.
"Okay, when you open your eyes I want you to tell me something you see that starts with the letter s."
Harry slowly opened his eyes. He laer realized that Remus lowered the light in the bathroom so it was softer and not so harsh.
"I see a soap bar."
"Fantastic," Remus praised, his arms running up and down Harry's arms. "What about the letter w?"
Harry looked around before saying, "A washcloth."
"Splendid! What about d?"
"A duck that's our bathroom mascot," Harry chuckled, looking at the rubber duck that Arthur Weasley was rather infatuated with.
"What's his name?" Remus asked, a smile on his face.
"Arthur," Harry chuckled.
"Ah, Arthur Weasley would be honored."
Remus asked Harry about a few more items before he could tell that Harry's rbeathing was back to normal. "Harry, do you think you are ready to leave the bathroom?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
Remus helped Harry up and with a wave of his wand, tidied the bathroom.
"Do you want to walk or floo?" Remus asked.
"Whatever has less people," Harry answered.
"Okay, Cub. I've got you," Remus reminded him.
Remus opened the door and Neville was on his bed, reading a book. He peeked over it as Remus led Harry out.
"You alright, mate?" Neville asked, clearly concerned for his friend.
Harry gave Neville a weak smile and said, "I'll be alright. Thanks for getting my dad."
"Course. Anytime," Neville said, clearly seeing that Harry was shaken up.
"C'mon, Cub," Remus said gently, nudging him to the door.
Despite the common room having a few students, Remus decided to floo with Harry to his office because he could tell that Harry was barely holding it together.
Remus flood with Harry and helped him out of the fireplace in his office and to the couch. He gave Harry a weighted blanket and sat next to him.
"You take your time. I'm here whenever you're ready," Remus said patiently, giving Harry's arm a reassuring rub.
Harry nodded and the two sat in companiable silence for several minutes until Harry was ready to speak.
"It all started when I spent that long weekend with the Weasley's. Bill heard Ron and I talked and he showed us his razor. He said that his was better for the environment and it looked cool. I know you care about being kind to the planet and you raised me with that stuff, so I went with it. I've used a muggle disposable one a few times and I might've had a few nicks, but nothing like this. It sliced my skin open. I kept thinking it would stop and it didn't. I-it reminded me of when I'd hurt myself. I-I didn't know what to do. None of it was on purpose, I swear! But it made me want to," Harry admitted,lowering his head again. "I knew I needed help. I just feel so embarrassed."
Remus was quiet for a moment, making sure that Harry was done speaking before he jumped in.
"You are allowed to feel embarrassed and your feelings are valid, but please know that Dadfoot and I don't judge you at all. We made mistakes with shaving when we were your age, too. We should've helped you with it more. It's only natural for you to try things out. I'm sorry we didn't do more."
Harry shrugged. "It's embarrassing."
"It might feel that way for you, but it is not for us. We love to help you. It's just a part of life. Merlin, Harry, we'd do anything for you without batting an eye. Our love for you is worlds away from embarrassment. We would do anything and we'd do it with a smile."
"Thanks," Harry murmured, a small smile on your face.
Remus kissed his head and then spoke again. "In regards to feeling triggered, I am so glad you reached out. It's understandable why you were triggered and I would feel the same way. I did, in fact, when I was younger."
"Really?" Harry asked.
"Absolutely. James took care of the razor while Peter held my hand and Sirius curled up with me. They took care of me that night and didn't let me shave by myself for months."
"They didn't?" Harry gasped.
Remus chuckled and nodded. "Oh, they did."
"It's a really uncomfortable feeling to have. I liked how it made me feel. I'll have scars again. But I didn't mean to do it. But I was reminded of the feeling I get when it happens. Ugh! It sucks arse!"
"It does," Remus agreed. "I can't take that feeling away, but I can help you through it."
"I don't want to do anything right now," Harry admitted. "I just want to stay here with you."
Remus nodded and gave Harry a squeeze. "Of course. I'd love to stay with you. And that is a coping skill, being with someone you trust. Talking to your therapist is another one and you're doing both at the same time."
"Who said I trusted you?" Harry teased, poking Remus.
"Harry, I'm wounded!" Remus said so dramatically that it would make Sirius proud.
"Prat," Harry giggled.
Remus and Harry stayed in Remus' office for about another hour before going to the Marauder Quarters. Sirius was there when they walked in the door and he instantly knew that something was going on.
"What happened? Are you both okay?" Sirius asked, standing up.
Harry sighed and looked at Remus to explain.
"We're okay, Padfoot. Harry had a mishap and we're together now."
"What happened, Pup?" Sirius asked, sitting down with them.
"I-I tried to shave."
Sirius nodded, listening.
"I used a razor that Bill Weasley recommended because it was good for the planet and stuff. It kept cutting me. I got kinda triggered."
Sirius nodded again, his face full of understanding. "I'm so glad you got help, Harry. I am so proud of you."
"You're not judging me or anything like that?" Harry asked.
"Merlin, no! There is no reason for you to be embarrassed around us."
"Moony Da said the same thing. He said that you wouldn't mind doing anything or helping me with anything."
"That's true. We'd wipe your arse for you," Sirius smirked.
"Sirius!" Remus said, rolling his eyes.
"What? It's true!" Sirius insisted as Harry giggled.
"We've got you, Pup," Sirius said, holding Harry close.
The three men talked about the past and what Sirius and James used to do with Remus.
"I would give shaves to Moony all the time. Still do, in fact."
"Why?" Harry asked, looking at Remus.
"There's no reason for me to have that temptation. Sirius enjoys doing it and I enjoy having it done."
Harry allowed that logic to settle in and Remus simplified the theory for him.
"Life is hard, Harry. We can make it easier. Just because you're a teenager, young adult, or adult, doesn't mean you have to do everything on your own. In fact, you shouldn't! Shaving triggered me in the past. To avoid it, Sirius does it for me. It makes life easier."
"I forget lots of things," Sirius said and Harry nodded dramatically.
"Cheeky," Sirius said, giving Harry a light shove. "I write things on my hands all the time with a muggle pen to make it easier. There is no "right" way to do things. If it can be easy, do it that way. No one gets an award for toughing life out. Ask for help. We're here for you."
"I love you. So much," Harry said, wrapping his arms around Sirius.
"I love you too, Pup."
Harry reached over and pulled Remus in. "I love you, Moony Da."
"I love you, too."
When the hug disbanded, the three talked more until they had dinner in their quarters. Remus and Sirius helped Harry for the rest of the night and Padfoot slept with him.
From that day on, Harry rarely shaved on his own. He asked for help and did his best to avoid the trigger.
Sirius was right. There is no award for toughing everything out. Everyone needs help. Life is hard and people can help make it easier.
Merlin knows that Harry could use all the help he could get.