Atlas

March 14th 1997

Malfoy,

I have stared at this piece of parchment for hours on end. Mulling over everything in my mind. On more than one occasion I have wondered why I chose to hide this from Harry and Ron. They’re my best friends, and if what you say is true, they may deserve to know more than anyone. Certainly, more than me.

You have a personal stake in this. I presume you hope to change the outcome of your mother’s untimely death? How can I know you are able to remain objective? What information are you willing to share? What is too much? What if things go wrong? What if you save one life, only to sacrifice another? Could you live with yourself? I don’t know if I could. Could I trade George’s life for Fred’s? Or Harry’s for Ron? Lavender’s for Ginny’s? It’s an impossible decision to make. It’s a thought that’s kept me up into the early hours of morning since receiving your letter.

You obviously know the story behind Buckbeak’s escape. (That adventure really solidified my hatred of flying). But did I tell you about the more gruesome parts of that reality? Did I tell you that Sirius died two years later? By your aunt’s hand, I might add. He suffered a horrible death, that left those who loved him with a never-ending chasm of pain. Pain that has never truly healed in some cases. Especially Harry’s.

That’s what this boils down to, doesn’t it? Fate. Destiny. Self-determination. Was Sirius always ‘meant’ to die the night I punched you in 3rd year? And instead of saving him, we simply prolonged his death. Or was his death an accident? A mere coincidence two years later.

Suppose you save your mother’s life, only to have her die two months after the war to dragon pox? Would you really think this correspondence was worth it? Would you be willing to take the risk? Truthfully, I know little of Narcissa. My only interactions with your family could be described as neutral at best, and hostile (or murderous. Don’t think I have forgotten the quidditch cup.) at worst. If she really is the one who tips the scales, and wins the war, who’s to say, something I do now, ends up taking her off that path?

I’m not daft, you know? The reason you haven’t gone to me, or the me in your time that is, is because you know I wouldn’t approve. Truthfully, I am inclined to trust my older self. She has lived through this war. Your Granger probably knows better. Moreover, I have a sneaking suspicion Your illicit creation of the time-turner could land you in a whole lot of trouble. You’ve dabbled in an unstable area of magic. ONE THAT I DO NOT APPROVE OF. You are reckless, and age has apparently taught you nothing, except some manners. Though, you probably always had those. I was just never afforded the opportunity to be on the receiving end of them.

Which brings me to my next question. You said you’re on probation. Which means, I can only assume you end up on the wrong side of the war. Do you bear the dark mark? Did you kill people? Mudbloods? Or perhaps innocent muggles? Did you torture your classmates? Me? I will not allow you to use me as your salvation. I am more than that, and more importantly, I deserve more than that. Don’t expect me to be your forgiveness.

I won’t take orders from you.

I am not even sure I trust myself, much less trust you.

Give me a reason to trust you, Malfoy.

Confused,

Granger

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March 15th 2002

Granger,

I am caught between saying too much and not saying enough. It’s an impossible line to walk, but I will try my best not to fall short.

I received the dark mark after the Department of Mysteries. As you know, my father was there. He didn’t secure the prophecy, and despite his many years of ‘service’, the Dark Lord was disappointed with his abysmal results… And when it comes to living the life of a Death Eater, abysmal results do not go unpunished.

I wasn’t necessarily excited. Living on the brink of war since the Tri-wizard tournament had made me a coward. I felt it was my duty to save my family. Save my mother. She didn’t deserve what was coming. I had been groomed to take over my father’s position since before I could walk, and resuming his place within our house, and within the Dark Lord’s circle was, surprising for my age, though not unexpected.

I won’t lie to you. There was a part of me that was excited. That felt honored to lay my forearm before him. I was not a misguided youth. In many ways I knew what I was getting in to. The current of or lives has a way of undertaking us. I had thought I had found my footing when the tide ripped my legs out from under me.

Most of 6th year I felt like I was drowning.

My lungs bursting for air. Barely in and out of consciousness. Just trying to keep my nose above water.

At that point I just wanted to live.

I know Potter had suspicions, so this news can hardly come as a shock to you. The confirmation shouldn’t alter your timeline significantly, depending on what you choose to do with this information. I know better than anyone that forces beyond our control can take away everything you possess. The freedom to choose, even to choose the wrong choice, is to treat a wizard like a puppet and not a person. Anything I tell you; you have the choice to act on. I wouldn’t settle for anything less, Granger.

I didn’t kill anyone.

I don’t have the stomach for it. Though, that’s not a very noble reason, is it? I am sure it would be more comforting to hear I vowed to never kill, or that I was brave enough to stand up to the Dark Lord. To switch sides.

I was not.

I may not have harmed anyone directly, but I sat idly by while harmful actions took place. I am culpable for that harm.

The light side won the war. I was grateful at first. Even though it wasn’t a win for me. I had a trial. It was fair. You spoke on my behalf. So did Harry. I am sure that’s a real shocker for you. I wasn’t grateful at the time. I thought I should rot in Azkaban right alongside my father, but there were those who thought I deserved a second chance.

I am still trying to earn it.

You have no reason to trust me. I have no words to offer you, and I refuse to try. I won’t spin you bull shit, Granger, and maybe that’s enlightenment enough. Maybe that is the truest thing I can ever say to you. There is no final resting place of my mind. There wasn’t any smug moment of clarity. No burst of bravery. I doubt I am fit to wield the Sword of Gryffindor anytime soon (not that I would want to). Perhaps you can trust that I know how small I am. How unwise, and how far I have yet to go. I can never take back my actions or my words. My life is destined to be an endless battle of contrasting memories. Some good. Some neutral... but most: bad.

I am not a hero. I am not helpful. I am typically unkind. And I have done little for others that didn’t directly benefit myself. But if we saved my mother and she died the next day, it would be worth it. To have one more embrace. One more smile. That woman was everything to me. To have her back for a moment is more than I could ever ask for in this life, much less hope for.

I know most people would feel the same way. Wouldn’t you?

So, who gives a flying fuck about destiny or self-determination? If our future lies in fate, then you’ll win the war regardless of what we do. Perhaps we only save my mother for two months or the werewolf for three, but they’ll be a damn good three months, Granger.

Sincerely,

Malfoy

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March 15th 1997

Malfoy,

What’s the first thing we should do?

Granger

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March 15th 2002

I need you to find the room of hidden things and destroy a vanishing cabinet.

Sincerely,

Malfoy