Preface
Draco Malfoy had been looking forward to starting Hogwarts, as he was certain many other children his age were. He’d spent the last several months in France with Mother, not particularly doing anything of value. The trip was sudden, and it was strange that Father hadn’t come along but his mother kept him busy with shopping, or studying, or visits to beautiful new areas of the country he had yet to see. “Don’t worry about your Father, Draco,” she had said when he’d first asked. “I’m going to miss you while you’re at school. I just want to spend time with you.”
Mother had kept him so busy he felt exhausted at the end of every day. The fact she managed it was quite baffling considering who his best friend was. Draco was never bored with him, always going on a new adventure or steering him away from some mess he made. It took several weeks for Draco to realize he hadn’t had the time to write to Harry. And it took a few more for him to realize, his mother was distracting him from doing so on purpose. Every time he mentioned Harry his Mother would avert her eyes and change the subject. She hadn’t even looked ashamed about it, just a bit forlorn.
He didn’t point it out to her that he was aware she was doing this but he hadn’t felt he needed to. It seemed obvious to both of them that she was distracting him and he was playing along. Draco hadn’t worried much. Father was busy and Harry was probably off doing Harry James Potter things. Draco tried his best to enjoy their trip together with her. Afterall, he was going to miss her too. He could keep his mind off Harry for a little while, he convinced himself.
He became invested in this game of Pretending Harry Potter Doesn’t Exist, thinking at some point he’d be able to outsmart his mother and she might have given him a lick of information about what was going on. It had never happened unfortunately but Draco certainly had tried. Nearly four months passed before he realized not only had he not been able to send any letters to Harry, but he hadn't seen Hedwig perched on his window sill either. No word from Harry. It was mind boggling to say the least. He couldn’t help but wonder if his Mother was intercepting Harry’s letters to him too. And somehow making him overlook things that normally would be out of the ordinary.
With only a week left before the school year was set to start, Draco missed Harry like a limb.
The moment Draco Malfoy arrived at Hogwarts his life was completely changed. Turned upside down, left and right. And then scrambled. And then torn to shreds. He hates to sound more dramatic than usual but the situation calls for it because there’s absolutely no way this could be reality, right? He never could have imagined anything like this could ever be possible.
He may be in denial.
Well of course he had been in denial. He’d been spending his time preoccupied in Pretending Harry Potter Doesn’t Exist with Mother when at some point it should’ve occurred to him something much worse had been going on. When he got to the platform, he knew the situation was a little more complex than originally thought to be. Harry was supposed to be here too, he had thought. He was supposed to miss me like a limb, too. Because he hadn’t been there waiting for him.
But seeing as Draco, was. . . well. He was Draco. He had tried ignoring this building panic. At the time, he thought it may have been odd that he didn’t hear the usual scrambling of feet or hadn’t seen a head full of messy black hair at the platform. Draco had been expecting these things considering the amount of the time that had passed since they last saw or spoken to each other. But obviously, he’d be here any second and all would be resolved.
After he boarded the train, his stomach started to twist. He sat and waited but no one entered the compartment. He had looked around and couldn’t help but seriously contemplate if something had gone wrong. It seems silly now, because yes, yes everything was wrong.
Draco thought that his first train ride to Hogwarts was possibly the worst he’d felt in his life, not yet knowing his current state of hopelessness. They had waited for this moment, excited to buy treats off the trolley and watch the countryside pass them by. They should’ve been sitting side by side right then. Harry should have been giggling about something stupid and Draco should have been pretending to be annoyed about it.
Despite the bustling noise of the other students boarding the train and settling in, Draco had felt he’d never been surrounded by so much quiet.
He had started to make excuses to rationalize the situation. Maybe Harry forgot to finish packing, and now the idiot is trying to sort through all the useless junk he owns. James is trying to get him out of the house and apparate them right now. They should be here any second now.
And when the train doors closed and the journey began, he came up with more excuses. James must have brought him directly to Hogwarts, likely because he had some business to attend to there anyways. Harry’s already there waiting for me, ready to envelope me in the tightest hug possible. Draco had liked that possibility best and settled after that.
The moment he did finally take a step off the train, he felt his lungs constrict. Harry was not, infact, waiting for him with open arms. He had paused, entirely uncertain how to proceed. He hadn’t allowed himself to even consider Harry wouldn’t be there after reaching that conclusion. He couldn’t have even let himself if he had wanted to. Several moments had passed while he stood frozen in place as students pushed around him to get to the castle. Everything had felt so wrong. The panic had started up again and Draco was entirely unsure if Harry was even safe at all. Where is he? Oh Merlin, where is Harry?
Draco had been making plans to somehow find Severus as soon as he was inside and explain they needed to fire call James immediately— Harry isn’t here and I haven’t heard from him in months and I have no idea what’s going on— when he finally saw Harry out of the corner of his eye.
He instantly felt relieved to see him safe. And as that particular strain of panic faded, new fears bubbled up inside his chest. More childish fears. Fears that better fit an eleven year old. Is Harry angry with me? Is it because I hadn’t gotten the chance to write him in France?
Draco turned to him, marking the moment in which it has hit him that his life may function differently from now on. Not only had Harry not been waiting with open arms, Harry had not even turned his head towards him. He couldn’t recall the last time he looked over at Harry and Harry’s bright green eyes hadn’t already been on him or skittering over to meet his own. Nor could he recall the last time he had to actively will Harry to look at him.
It feels—It feels entirely like the connection between them is gone.
At some point Draco must’ve lifted his foot to make a step towards him because he thinks it’s the movement that finally draws Harry’s eyes to him.
Draco Mafloy’s life changes completely in that moment because it appears Harry Potter does not recognize him. His eyes glance over to him and then look away, nothing more. No sparkle in his eyes. No boyish, cheeky grin lighting up his face. No scrambling feet. No open arms. No messy black hair bouncing towards him. No cry of “Dray I missed you! Why didn’t you write, you prat?”.
When most first years arrive at Hogwarts they are stunned by the sight of the castle. They tend to fantasize about what’s to come, which house they’ll be sorted into and what sort of mates they’ll have. What kind of magic they’ll learn and what subjects they’ll like. They’re thrilled for all the changes to come. A doorway to the future right in front of them.
When Draco arrived, he was terrified and confused. So terribly confused.
Harry James Potter looked at him with unfeeling eyes, unrecognizable eyes. Harry James Potter looked completely through him as if he was a stranger. He’s shutting me out and I have no clue as to why.
Draco is probably panicking again. Draco hopes he’s just panicking. An adverse reaction to something he’s never dealt with when it comes to his best friend.
Something in his subconscious tells him he’s wrong about the panic. It’s right there Draco, he didn’t even stop to look at you. Harry usually stares at you until you have to turn his face away yourself. Even when he’s cross with you he looks at you with his bright eyes. The adoration never leaves them even when layered with other emotions. He just looked at you as though he didn’t feel a single thing, not even anger or disappointment or hurt.
Honestly, Draco finds himself in simultaneous disarray and dread, and of course more denial. Hogwarts was supposed to be a new adventure for them. Like everything else is for Dray and Hazz, because it’s them. They do things together.
However, it seems that isn’t what Harry wants right now. He doesn’t seem to want anything to do with Draco at all as he walks away out of sight.
As the other first year students start their new chapters and stories, Draco feels he’ll be stuck in a limbo without Harry if this carries on. He can’t start a new chapter. His chapters had already been perfect by his standards. Draco and Harry have always been together, for as long as he can remember, attached at the hip quite literally. He likes it that way. It’s all he’s ever known. So if things are changing with Harry, he doesn’t think he can step through that doorway like everyone else.
Hogwarts so far seemed less of a doorway for Draco and more like an exit.