James always held out hope for him, that against all odds Regulus would somehow find James and Sirius’ flat. That James would one day wake up to Regulus knocking on their front door. Hoping that Regulus already knew their address and was just working up the courage to finally show up.
But standing here now at the door with Sirius; Dorcas, Barty, Evan and Pandora in front of them, a part of James knew that that would never happen. Sirius was screaming at Dorcas? Evan and Barty? Maybe Pandora? He wasn’t really sure because at that moment James couldn’t hear, couldn’t speak… James couldn’t breathe.
Vaguely James realised someone was trying to get his attention? Get him to breathe maybe. But he couldn’t focus, couldn’t see past the memories, the little moments and all the time he wasted; wondering, doubting himself, questioning.
“Dorcas? What the hell are you doing? Why are you standing there with two Death Eaters like you’re best friends?” Sirius questioned, oh how he would regret asking when the time came. But at the moment the oldest Blacks questions were ignored.
“James? James, I’m so sorry.” Dorcas was apologising, he couldn’t hear it, he didn’t need to. “James, can you hear me? I think he’s in shock, Sirius, I don’t think he’s breathing.”
“Prongs? James? JAMES!? Bloody hell Potter, this is really not the time.” The entire thing was confusing, at least for Sirius it was, he doesn’t know why his best friend looks like he just saw a ghost or why Dorcas and Ollivander were standing next to Crouch and Rosier like it was second nature. But he knew that if he didn’t get James to breathe that he was going to pass out and taking into consideration that there were two Death Eaters standing outside their flat, that just wasn’t something he wanted.
—
James doesn’t know how he got here, one moment he was standing at the front door in front of his ex’s best friends; the next, said best friends were getting yelled at by his best friend.
“Sirius, what are you doing? Sirius stop it.” James was freaking out, because all his mind could do was dart from question to question; is Reggie okay? Did something happen to him? Is he alive? And that, that question is what got his thoughts to freeze. It was as if a bucket of water had been dumped over his head, leaving him shocked, frozen for what felt like hours but was likely only mere moments.
He couldn’t stay seated, not when he felt like his heart was about to burst out of his chest. “Is he okay? What the hell happened? Why- why the hell do you look like you’re about to tell me that he’s…” James couldn’t finish that sentence, he doesn’t need to because there was no way, it’s not possible, he can’t be. Tears were pooling in his eyes, he didn’t know why because he’s not dead. Regulus was going to walk into the flat any moment now because he’s not dead.
“James...” And just like that, with a single syllable, his heart was crushed into a million little pieces. Just like that he was on the floor, sobbing for a boy he’ll never see again, not how it matters, not alive with love in his eyes looking at him and only him. No, he’ll never see the love of his life ever again, never wake up next to him, never watch him read his favourite books. Never grow old with him like he always thought he would.
James never grew up thinking he would hate hearing his name, but in that moment it was all he could feel, hate, sadness, shock, pain. Just this one time he wished, he never heard it, his name mixed with the defeat in Pandora's voice was too much, too much…
—
Sirius was stunned, he didn’t know how to react, the first and last time James had broken down like this was almost two years ago. He couldn’t understand why his best friend was wailing like his heart was just ripped out of his chest or why no one else in the room seemed confused let alone shocked. They just looked like they wanted to stop breathing, they looked like… Like they didn’t know how to live, no, they look like they didn’t want to live anymore.
“What? What the hell is going on Meadowes!? What did you do to him!?!” Sirius wanted to scream. He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know how to fix it, how to help because he doesn’t know what’s wrong, he doesn’t know what there is to fix.
“Sirius, I- He’s gone Sirius.” Sirius was frozen; it was like his brain had stopped working. He was hoping, praying to Merlin that she wasn’t talking about him, his estranged baby brother. About the boy who he wished he could have saved, the boy he used to know better than he knew himself, because if she were… if she were, then the guilt would never go away, that voice in his head telling him that he had failed his brother would never stop screaming into his ears.
“Who? Meadowes, who is gone?” He knew, a part of him knew, but another wished he was wrong.
“Regulus. Regulus is dead, Sirius. He’s-” Her voice was shaking and she never finished her last sentence but it didn’t matter, not to Sirius. Because he had heard the one sentence he hoped he would never hear, he was feeling everything he had hoped he would never feel, and he lost the brother he never got to know.
—
James felt numb and everything seemed dull, as if the colour was just sucked out of the world, like no matter what music he played in the future it would never matter because he was gone, poof just like that.
James had said goodbye to Regulus before, but then he held hope that he would see him again, that after the war they would reach out, apologise, and forgive each other. But now, he doesn’t know if he can do it this time, before it was seemed temporary, this time it feels so final, so concluding.
He knew that that was how it was supposed to be, because it was done; he’ll never see him again, never shower him with love, kiss him, hold him. But James couldn’t do it, he felt like he was suffocating, like he’s stuck in time and it’ll never move forward again. A part of him doesn’t know if he wants it to, because what was the point when he couldn't spend that time with Regulus.