Everything big in their relationship had just a little bit of panic, on both parts, a beautiful panic. A panic that has to happen in love, a panic that things were changing, but the later relief that they were changing for the better. That they slowly started to love each other, in a panicked fearful way, until it became a comfort, then a new stage of panic hit as their lives moved forward.
Panic when Remus looked over at his mate for the first time and felt something more than just a friendly love when staring into those beautiful complex gray eyes and seeing someone who cares. Concern and panic and also maybe a bit of unadmitted attraction when Sirius saw Remus stride onto the train in those black doc martens with the colorful shoelaces, looking so so punk rock and cool.
There was panic in their first kiss, on both parts during that stupid spin the bottle game that left them both blushing, and Sirius wondering a bit if James somehow rigged the bottle to make this happen. Probably with him being quite the meddler and such a “wolfstar shipper for life”. And given that James got to kiss Lily and Regulus.
Jealousy and panic mixed when Remus watched girls flirt with Sirius as he thought that he had no chance of his friend liking him back.
When Sirius finally awkwardly admitted that they do like Remus as more than a friend, of course there was panic that this could ruin their relationship, but the panic quickly subsided when Remus admitted having the same feelings towards Sirius.
Telling their friends that they had finally got together also brought on a bit of panic, not so much because of homophobia given that the marauders group was a gay utopia, but more concern that this would change things in their dynamic. Plus with Lily threatening Sirius’ life if Sirius hurt Remus, and with Regulus doing the same thing, and Mary, and Peter, and Marlene, and Dorcus got in on the fun too. James defended Sirius, a little bit, but then realized that he was outnumbered and joined in on the joking threats. Their friends were all incredibly excited about them finally getting together and the stupid pinning stage finally coming to an end.
Those huge words, those first, “I love you’s” , of course there was a bit of panic. It was a big thing to say. Though for Sirius the words seemed to come to him as naturally as breathing does, maybe because loving Remus was just easy for him, in some ways. For Remus there was panic in those words, but there was panic in a lot of words. He second guessed many of the things that he said because he couldn’t afford to say too much most times. Still, those huge words were spoken between each other, they knew they could trust each other with their love and with even more.
Sirius could trust Remus enough to tell him first when Sirius finally spoke out about their confusion with their gender, that they felt unsure about male or female or inbetween. That it felt kind of like water, going between ice and gas and plain liquid water, that it didn’t always feel the same. And of course Remus respected Sirius as they started discovering more of themself, and encouraged them to be as much of themselves as they can be.
There was panic when they graduated from Hogwarts, with the war still going on and with neither of them having done all that much to prepare for careers—given Sirius always having money to fall back on and Remus knowing that he didn’t have many job prospects as a werewolf. It felt like they were free falling, trying not to smack into the concrete of the real world, they just held hands and fell together. At least then the panic didn’t seem so scary. The free falling could feel a bit like flying, though Remus never really liked that either. Eventually they landed, or at least it seemed that they did. They got missions and work to do. They could help with the war effort.
There wasn’t as much panic as there was a sense of competitiveness when Sirius basically lunged to catch the flower bouquet at the Potter’s wedding, which he was successful in doing. Basically shoving the flowers in Remus’ face as he kept showing them off, he had to be reminded a few times to let James, Lily, and Regulus shine since it’s THEIR WEDDING and not Sirius’. The wedding was very fun though, one of the last great parties. Amazing photos, good food, terrible dancing but it was fun to watch, and many cute romantic words were spoken.
Almost all the panic he had felt before seemed to combine and be added to when Remus proposed, though he was pretty sure the answer would be yes, there was still that chance. Things started to become a bit rocky during the war and there was still that chance that Sirius had reconsidered their relationship. Still, their proposal was great. A scavenger hunt with little maps hidden around some of their favorite spots, Remus’ teenage obsession with cartography had never fully gone away. Little things being picked up by Sirius along the way: a new record from their favorite band, their favorite candy, their favorite type of flowers, a few poems in a journal that Remus had written about them throughout the years, and finally a destination on a map. The beach. And then a ring, which was excitedly accepted by Sirius and immediately the information was spread throughout the marauders.
A bit of panic occurred with wedding planning, especially when it was realized that they would have to wait to have a big wedding until the war could be over as their responsibilities seemed to never end.
Panic continued a bit as they found out about the mole who had been giving information to the death eaters. More panic accumulated as they heard about more and more deaths occurring in the newspapers, Regulus, Marlene, Dorcus, and so many more.
Swarms of panic continued to occur as an isolated Sirius, unable to contact the Potters, started to wonder…to wonder if maybe they were being lied to, if maybe the wolves had been convincing Remus rather than vice versa, if maybe they had made the wrong decisions, if maybe Remus had been the mole. Plus the panic that even if Remus wasn’t the mole, he was still in a dangerous situation, that the wolves could easily hurt him, it’s in their nature.
Remus looked into Sirius’ eyes, those beautiful complex gray eyes that he had grown so used to seeing, he could see the mistrust in those eyes. All Remus could feel was pain and panic, but he couldn’t do much to defend himself. So, he left for his mission. Not knowing that this would be the last time that he saw those eyes for 12 long years.
After Remus came back from his mission, to find that the war was over, to find that his friends were dead and his lover the killer, panic seemed too little a word to describe his state of being. There were too many words to describe how he felt. None of them could really be spoken, there was no one Remus felt he could speak to. The only one he thought he could trust to take his panic and make it into something beautiful was gone.