“And then, after the Bowie concert, we can stay at cousin ‘Dromeda’s house,” he continued, “though i should tell you, she has a little kid, so it's probably not gonna be the best night of sleep of your life.” Sirius finished, after almost half an hour of explaining his thoroughly thought out plan of sneaking out of Hogwarts on a school night to see David Bowie in London.
The thing is, Remus is just as excited to engage in Sirius’ crazy ideas as any other person, but he learned that if one is to give the boy a certain amount of encouragement something might end up going really wrong. On the other hand, it has also come to Remus` knowledge that he simply cannot abstain the other boy from giving him said encouragement, for he knew all too well the pure bliss of excitement that would be blasted on Sirius` face when he'd get what he wanted. So, yeah, if Sirius wants to go to fucking SoHo on a simple wednesday night, Remus will follow him.
To be fair, Remus has been following Sirius for quite some time now. He thinks he has always been, really. But how couldn’t he? He feels like Sirius is some sort of magnetic force, in which there’s no choice but to be pulled closer and closer; and then, when you eventually try to come back to your senses, you’re already entranced by this overbearing power he ignites over you.
It definitely took him some time to realize that this mysterious force that keeps embarrassing Remus at any given minute, whether is when he's been caught by one of his friends as he longingly stares at Sirius or in the times in which he'd caught himself fighting the urge to run his fingers through the other boy's hair as if that's some kind of desperate need he has to fulfill or he´ll simply perish forever, is not just because of his friend’s natural captivating demeanor, but also because of the feelings Remus unknowingly repressed for all these years.
“That sounds good, Pads,’’ Remus started to say, “but I really should get back to studying now. The test is tomorrow and the concert is next month, and i’m quite anxious about this whole-“
“Calm down, Remus,” He interrupted, “I'm sure you’ll do well tomorrow, as you always do.”
“Don't be so certain about this, even Lily’s stressed out.” Sirius raised his hands in surrender and dropped his head on the table.
They were in the library, sitting by the back where no one ever really goes, but it is Remus' favorite place to study because of the quiet. He’s been here for quite a few hours already, so Sirius’ little visit was the break he’s been longing to have. He actually secretly waits for Sirius to come find him and disturb him on his study sessions. He loves when Sirius makes him feel like he doesn’t need much else other than just sitting here in this boring library and talking with Remus. It makes him feel special. As if, of all the people that Sirius can choose to spend his time with, he’s chosen him.
That thought process might arise so often because Remus basically worships the ground Sirius walks on. Sometimes he hates that, because he knows Sirius has his faults; like any other human. He’s not perfect or unblemished or perhaps a godly entity, but, Merlin, he sure does make Remus feel like he is. He wonders what must it be like to be so beautiful; to cause such an effect on others that they wonder if the Gods themselves carved you on the palm of their hands.
He watched the boy for a few seconds. Sirius was still with his head on the table, alternating between looking at his nails and biting pieces of skin around them. A habit of his. He took this change of attention as a cue to go back to his books and annotations.
Remus considers himself as an observer. That person in which nothing exciting ever happens to them, and they’re bound to be the never ending spectator of all the accomplishments and enjoyments and failures of all the people around them. Sometimes, when he’s feeling bad about himself, he believes that’s gonna be his only job in the world - be the side character to everyone else’s story.
Maybe that’s why he’s always been so fond of books, so fond of the feeling of being part of numerous different realities and knowing so many different people, even if they’re not real. It’s like he’s living through them, as if, in those moments, in which he’s transported into the words, he’s finally experiencing life. But then, of course, the thrill ends and it becomes the bittersweet realization that none of that will ever happen to him. And he becomes envious of it. Of all the characters he’ll never be, all the love he’ll never experience, all the places he’ll never go to, all the lives he’ll never live.
Sirius is the closest to life he’ll ever be.
And Remus knows that since he first saw the other boy many years ago at the Hogwarts Express and he said, right there and then, “We’re gonna be best friends.”, after just meeting Remus.
He felt belonged, needed, wanted.
For the first time, someone willingly wanted to befriend him, to be close to him and laugh at his jokes. And everything got even better when James and Peter came along just a few minutes after that. That was it for him. He was finally part of something after years of being on the outskirts. And, at that moment, he couldn’t be happier. Remus has come to an agreement with himself that one can’t possibly have everything they desire in life, they can’t experience everything they aspire to, or perhaps be loved back by the person they have loved since they knew what love was; but he had one thing. His friends. And, that, for him, was more than he’d ever thought he was worthy of.
He took another look at Sirius after minutes of trying to concentrate and the boy had fallen asleep. That’s one thing about him. Sirius would fall asleep in the middle of a ‘we just won quidditch so we’re being super loud and blasting music until ungodly hours’ party if you were to give him the time and space for that. He’s also a very heavy sleeper, so he’d probably not even wake up during this metaphorical party, and then when he eventually did wake up, he’d look around with unbothered eyes and a half side grin and say “Hope the fun’s not over yet”, and have the energy to go on for the rest of the night.
Remus puts aside his books and lays his head on the table right next to Sirius. The other boy looks even more beautiful up close. He almost never has the chance to really look at Sirius, to absorb his features and quirks; he’s too embarrassed. He looks rather serene in his sleep, like all the troubles worrying him disappears for the sake of peace. He’s not wearing his half side smile or his quirked up eyebrow, and the skin around his nails are finally free from his habit. Remus’ eyes travel to the boy’s ears and land on his new piercing he’s just gotten a few weeks before; it suits him quite well - though Remus will never tell him that. He sure made a fool of himself when Sirius came through their dorm room showcasing the new addition to his ear and making Remus blush from how good it looked on him.
He studies Sirius’ face as if it’ll be the hardest question in tomorrow’s test. He traces every spot and corner with his eyes; the curve of the nose and how it’s slightly bent upwards, the lower lips that are a little bit fuller than the upper one, the almost unnoticeable arch of his eyebrows, and the lashes that are so full that he wonders if it affects his sight. Remus’ eyes are like the desert and Sirius’ face is fresh water.
He loves him. Remus loves Sirius in a plain sight way. He loves him just as the sun rose later in the winter and earlier in the summer, he loves him just as you know the leaves will fall only to come back again months later, just as the stars and the moon were in the sky each night. It's there. It’s obvious. It’s happening everyday and will happen forever until the end of times. It’s happening right before their eyes and he wonders if everyone else sees it; how instinctive it is for Remus to love Sirius.
After a few minutes of this, Remus has to wake him up. It’s almost curfew. He raises a shaken hand and lifts a wild strand of Sirius’s hair to put it behind his ear. He adores how untamed his hair is, but at the same time it looks like it’s strategically set and falls into place without meaning to; like it has a life of its own. That’s how Sirius likes it. Maybe because that’s how Sirius is also. He’s carefree and fierce and winsome, and he doesn’t care about what others might think of him. He knows he’s all that; he doesn’t have a need to prove it to others. It’s like he was born with this undying confidence and unperturbed attitude. Although, Remus knows he’s not like that all the time. Sirius has his moments of doubts and insecurities, but he shows it in such a different way than Remus. While Remus bottle all his emotions up in a little glass container inside his mind, Sirius lets it all out. When he’s sad, for instance, he talks about it with his friends, and sleeps in James’ bed while Peter goes to the kitchens to get him something sweet and Remus comforts him with words from the other side of the room. It’s like even in his worst, he’s the best.
Remus still remembers when his mum died a few years ago and his friends couldn’t reach him for weeks, even though he was right there. He just has such a difficult time in actually communicating with others about his feelings that he shuts them out instead. And that kills him. Because he wishes he was like Sirius, he wishes he could be open and free and amazing. He’s working on it. He’s making a mental note of it.
He brushes his thoughts away and goes back to the unwanted task of waking Sirius up, because that means he’ll have to stop looking at him. He runs his hands through his friend’s hair while saying his name, afraid to scare him with a ‘wake up’ shake. “Sirius…Sirius…you need to wake up… it’s almost curfew” He says. He holds Sirus’s nose for a few seconds, just like he does to wake Remus’ up sometimes.
“Stop it, Remus” He laughs, still with his eyes closed. He missed his smile. Yes, he’s aware Sirius has been asleep for no more than thirty minutes. He’s pathetic like that.
Remus holds his nose again, “Wake up, then, you wanker”, he laughs too. “We have to go”.
He opens his eyes and, oh my. Remus will never get used to his eyes. If you’re not completely captivated by the person who carries them around, you may think it’s a simple set of blue eyes. But, Merlin, you’re so wrong. For starters, they’re actually grey. And it doesn’t stop there. His íris makes a pattern of cold colors, alternating between pearl river, steel, and freckles of silver, and around those, a color similar to the sea when there are clouds in the sky and a storm is coming. But they’re so inviting. Remus can’t take his eyes off of them. It’s almost like they’re constantly trying to pull him in, and he has to find refuge in objects around him in order to not jump inside them and be lost forever.
He holds Remus’ eyes in place and they enter in a silent battle of who dares to break eye contact first. Of course Remus is the one who breaks it. They’re still with their heads laid, and one of their arms positioned at the side of their heads.
“Yeah, we’ll go in a minute,” Sirius half whispers, “Did you get to finish your studying?”
Remus looks at him again, “My mind was elsewhere.”
Sirius raises the hand that was placed on top of the table and gently places it at the side of Remus’ head. Remus slightly flinches from the sudden touch, but finds himself unable to move another muscle. “One day that mind of yours will drive you crazy, Moony,” He begins, “seems like it moves a thousand miles per hour and we can’t keep up with it.”
“I’m used to it” He said with a half hearted smile. He was extremely aware of the fact that Sirius’ hand was touching him and he was going absolutely insane. This was fairly normal for Sirius. He was a physical touch kind of person, so it doesn’t come as a strange event for Remus that Sirius is doing this. But they’re so close. And they’re looking at each other. And this is too much for him.
He bites his lower lip, a habit of his when he’s anxious, and looks down in order to compose himself.
“What’s wrong?” Sirius asks. He’s the only person that seems to have noticed Remus’ ways of dealing with his anxiety. He always knows when Remus is worried about something, but doesn’t want to bother anyone with it. He tries, in his own way, to help him. And Remus welcomes it, most of the time. But, when the object of his worries is Sirius himself, he doesn’t know if the boy’s help would be that beneficial. It’d just get worse, actually.
“You’ll make it bleed, Remus.” Sirius warns and places his hand on Remus’ lips. Remus goes stiff again, he looks at Sirius and finds him looking at his lips.
That makes Remus jerk up like an electric wire had just fallen on top of him. He’s standing now, with wide eyes looking down on Sirius, who’s looking back at him, now with his head raised, confused as to what just happened. And he just leaves. Remus turns around and just leaves. Leaving all his books, papers and bag behind. And Sirius.
He exits the library, heart racing and head spinning around. He rushes through the corridors, not daring to stop. He eventually reached the Gryffindor common room, finding it empty. He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and makes his way to the floor, in front of the fireplace. Why did he have to make such a scene? He wonders.
The common room was one of his favorite places in the castle, especially at night. With the flickers of light from the fireplace, the room finds itself filled with orange and red hues, and it’s so warm, so comforting. He slowly puts himself together, and he has managed to regulate his breathing. He’s staring at the fire like it’s a life source, watching the flames dance around.
“Remus,” He turns his head around reflexively. He was so entranced by the fire that he didn’t hear Sirius entering the common room. He was carrying his bag and books, and looked like he had run here.
He placed Remus’ belongings on the table and headed towards him. Remus followed his every move with his eyes, watching Sirius sit down right next to him. The other boy was glancing at the fire. He looked disheveled, somehow.
“You know you can always talk to me, right?” Sirius finally said after those few silent seconds. “If you’re going through something, or if you’re upset, or if you just wanna talk about whatever. I’m here.” He turned his head to Remus, then. And Remus had no choice but to be pulled by his force and look at him too. “I’ll always be here”. Sirius’ eyes were running like crazy between Remus’ eyes. “Tell me you know this”.
Remus couldn’t take it. He was on the verge of tears. He felt like an idiot for making Sirius worry for him like that. He felt like screaming all of his feelings until he was empty, until there was nothing left for him to confess. Tears fell down his cheeks and Sirius rapidly pulled him into a hug. “Oh, Moony” He said sympathetically. Remus cried and cried and cried on his shoulder, holding him like he might disappear at any second. Sirius was holding him just as tight, caressing his hair and running his hand through his back.
“This is the only thing I can’t talk to you about,” Remus explained, “but also what I want you to know the most.”
He’d be a fool to think Sirius wouldn’t catch up on what he meant by that. He was here, he set his ground. Is he being reckless about this? He wonders.
He raised his head from Sirius’ shoulder and was now looking at the boy. “I’m sorry” Remus began saying, while wiping his tears away, “I know you’re here for me”.
“No, don’t be sorry, you did nothing wrong” Sirius took his hand.
He looked at their hands, furrowing his eyebrows in frustration. “Please don’t make this harder than it is” He practically begged, making a fool of himself once again. Sirius took that for what it was, it seemed, because he looked as though he just realized what was happening.
“Remus, wait, do you-“ he began saying, but was cut off by Remus getting up.
“You’re an amazing friend, Pads.” Said Remus, “We’re all so lucky to be your friend. I’m so lucky to be your friend.” He was almost crying again. “Sometimes I can't believe how fortunate I am to have even met you, it’s like I was this little scared kid who had nothing and you came in and gave me everything.” Sirius was looking at him. His eyes were gleaming, twinkling with the fire. “And you expected nothing in return for that, because that’s just how you are. You give people happiness because you’re happiness and you make people feel good because you’re good.” He paused for a second. He was crying again. “And I'm so glad for that. So glad for the existence of someone like you. You’re like this light at the end of the tunnel that gives me the hope to continue, and you always makes me feel like it’s okay to be who I am, you make me feel smart and loved and special and important and I’m-“ He was almost choking with his words with how fast he was talking. “I am so in love with you that I can't even breathe sometimes”. Remus was panting. He was looking at the floor, wiping his tears away for the second time in the night.
“I’m sorry if-“ Remus tried to continue, but was interrupted by Sirius placing his hands on Remus' cheeks and pulling him into a kiss. Remus was so stunned that, for the first few seconds, he just stood there not knowing what was happening. He came to his senses when Sirius began pulling away, but he quickly reached for the boy again and kissed him like he had always wanted to.
He grabbed Sirius’ hair with one hand and his cheeks with the other, and it was just how he dreamt it would be. Sirius tasted like his mint toothpaste and his lips were as soft as feathers. He couldn’t believe this was happening.
He was hungrily taking all he could, reaching for air in between milliseconds of separations. Sirius bit his lower lip and he made an embarrassing sound that caused him to become very aware of himself.
He pulled away, then, resting his forehead against Sirius’, breathing him in, and both of them short winded.
“I thought you’d never love me back.” Sirius whispered. “That’s why I…that’s why I never said anything. I thought you didn’t…thought you wouldn’t…,” He was stumbling with his words, and Remus kissed his cheeks. “It’s okay, Sirius”.
“You’re the one who’s amazing, don’t you see?” Sirius continued, “You make me want to be better, Moons. I feel so safe with you, always have. And I’ve loved you since before I even knew what to love was. I’ve loved ever since I met you back at the train. How couldn’t I?” He smiled. “And I swear I'd go anywhere you go just to be this close to you forever.”
“You mean that?” Remus asked, smiling.
“Of course I do.” Sirius assured. Sirius kissed him again, pressing his lips hard against Remus’, making him feel the words he just said. Sirius’ lips then traveled down Remus’ neck, making him lose all the little control he had left. Between those burning kisses he said “I love you, Remus”, and he felt like he had just reached the stars.
He replied with a shaken voice, “I love you, Sirius.”