There were no sounds this late at night. Nothing at all, really. The only things to be seen was the dark that seemed endless, and the only thing to hear was the deep breath of her dormmates. And Narcissa’s extremely loud brain, that just didn’t shut up about every single flaw in her life. Especially what was happening once the night turned into the day. It was like it was screaming in her ear, and she wanted to rip her hair right out of her fucking scalp. She tried to calm down.
But it wasn’t working. And nothing would work. She was just left alone with her suffering, and she just had to come to terms with the fact. She could talk to Regulus about it. She had talked to Regulus about it, but it was never enough.
Regulus knew of her worries. He had the same ones too, of course. Ever since Sirius ran away from home, that brave, brave bastard, their family had decided to get a more steady grip on them, not wanting to risk losing more children and heirs. It was ironic too, because the only ones left to be marked in their family was Narcissa and Regulus, and neither of them had shown a sign of rebellion, although they thought about it in their heads every day. Despite not being Death Eaters themselves, Walburga and Orion had made their idea of making every new Black family child marked the Christmas of their sixth year, and of course Narcissa’s parents had agreed. Of course they agreed.
She had almost choked on her drink when she heard it, but just almost. The glare Regulus gave her might’ve stopped a lot of stuff actually. Despite the comical moment, she had felt like her life was falling apart the second later, because suddenly everything she thought was coming later was coming so much faster, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She had thought that she had until after Hogwarts before she had to get the Mark, but suddenly she only had a year left and she’d just wanted to cry. When you serve the Dark Lord, it’s just like you’re a cell in his body. You’re not your own person anymore. You just work for him, and devote all of your life to him, and him only. Like if he was a god. He was not, in fact, a god. Far from. He was actually a living nightmare that would soon control Narcissa’s life. As much as she wished she could, she could not change it. She just had to live with it, she supposed.
Her thoughts kept going, almost like a private rambling session. Now she didn’t just want to rip her hair out of her scalp, but rather rip her hair out, slice her head open and just throw her brain out of the window. Perhaps living a brain dead life was better than living one controlled by an evil, evil man. But, alas, her thoughts wouldn’t shut up and she kind of wanted to scream. Instead, she figured out that maybe just leaving her bed and sitting in the common room would work, so that was exactly what she did.
Just like her dorm, the common room was quiet, empty and dark. There wasn’t a single soul there to see, except for her own soul, of course. She liked it. She couldn’t really face the thought of the common room being filled with loads of other tired people that couldn’t sleep. In that case, people would talk to her. Even though she wanted her brain to be quiet, talking to people she didn’t care about usually hit some nerve that made her everything her parents wanted her to be, which was quite embarrassing actually. But people usually got on her nerves, unless it was Pandora, Dorcas or Regulus. Even Evan and Barty were okay, even though she felt like some tired parent because of them sometimes. She could also tolerate some of Pandora and Dorcas’ friends, like Lily, Remus, Mary, Alice and Emmeline, and Dorcas’ girlfriend Marlene. But that was about it.
Taking in the emptiness and the quiet, her only company being several lit candles, she sat down in a chair by a window, and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. It was quite a bad habit, and she was aware of it, but she didn’t really feel like stopping it either. Though usually she did it in situations where she was stressed. And at that moment, she was on the fucking verge of tears because of her bad anxiety, and she desperately needed something to just soothe her.
So she sat there, a cigarette in her mouth, a few tears that streamed down her face, and the stars clear in the window she stared out of, the night sky mixing with cigarette smoke. Despite the irony, despite the fact that the sky was filled with everything she hated, there was something comforting about the stars. The fact that they were all up there. That maybe, in another life, they could’ve lived the same peaceful life that their stars lived. It was just an escape to a fantasy that was so very far from existing. Then suddenly she remembered that she wasn’t named after a fucking star, or anything near the sort. She was named after some narcissistic man that died from staring at himself in the water. That was pathetic. Maybe she was pathetic. She sucked some more on her cigarette.
Suddenly the sound of a door closing could be heard, causing Narcissa to jump. If someone were about to disturb her one single moment of some sort of peace, she would ruin their life, and she would smile while doing so. The footsteps grew louder, obviously making their way towards the common room, and she wanted to become invisible. But then they stepped into the candlelight, and thankfully, it was Pandora. She felt herself sigh with relief.
At once, when Pandora spotted her, she walked over with a sweet smile. Narcissa tried to return it, but she could feel that it looked fake and small. Well, there was nothing she could do to change it. Pandora found a seat in the chair to the left of Narcissa’s, and she relaxed into it.
“I heard you leave the room earlier,” Pandora said after a while of sitting in silence, fidgeting with her fingers.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” Narcissa asked. With as much as she was tossing, turning and groaning earlier, it wouldn’t surprise her. She really should’ve cast a silencing charm. However, Pandora brought her out of her misery.
“No, I was awake the whole time,” she said, Narcissa turning to look at her. “I was actually a little nervous.”
“About what?”
“Well, you,” she responded, turning her gaze to Narcissa, who was still looking at her. “I just heard that you couldn’t sleep, and you kept groaning, and I was wondering if I should’ve asked if you were okay back there. I suppose I just didn’t want to bother you.”
Oh.
And then her stomach did the thing she hated. The thing that reminded her of what she felt that she shouldn’t feel. Not because it was wrong, but because it simply would never work.
When Narcissa first started at Hogwarts, she never really got on with Pandora. Although she refused to acknowledge those things now, she had been a little prejudiced when it came to pureblood families. Pandora came from a family of activists and quite spiritual witches and wizards. The kind that Narcissa’s family hated, with every single bone in their bodies. And Pandora’s family definitely didn’t like the Blacks, so they didn’t bother trying for a friendship.
They were always far away from rivalry and hatred, but still far away from friends. They were just simple acquaintances. If they got partnered up in something it would be okay because they could still work together, despite avoiding talking as much as they could. They just didn’t care about the other. Until year three, that is.
There wasn’t a big story about it. Something just shifted. Because Narcissa had always secretly liked Pandora. She’d always thought that Pandora was inspiring, and cool, and she didn’t care about what others thought of her. As for Pandora’s thoughts for Narcissa, they were less friendly. She never hated Narcissa, she was just never tempted to become friends with her, apparently. Until that one night in their third year.
As for Narcissa’s unwelcomed guests in her stomach, the fucking butterflies; that was more recent. It happened in their fifth year. Some kind of awakening. Pandora had gotten very interested in braids and hair that summer, and had spent it all trying new stuff almost every day. This, of course, left her quite skilled. When they came back to school, and when Narcissa was about to have her first quidditch match that year, she had practically begged to braid her hair. Nothing complicated, just her two braided pigtails that she usually wore, though those had turned out way better than the ones Narcissa did herself. After that she made Pandora braid her hair every time, but perhaps not only for the fact that the braids looked good.
The first time, Pandora had been behind her, concentrating a lot. She’d basically teleported into a new world of hair and braids and crazy hair colours. At that moment, they’d just been two normal friends, preparing each other’s hair. Until Pandora had turned her around to study her work from the front. She took Narcissa’s face in her hands, turning it slightly around to get a good look at everything, and then it had shifted.
Pandora put her face back in place, but she was still holding Narcissa’s face. For some reason, she wouldn’t let go. Instead, Pandora had looked in Narcissa’s eyes, and it hadn’t been a normal look. It had genuinely seemed like Pandora drowned into them, completely zoned out. Somehow, the same happened to Narcissa. She’d sat there, looking deeply into Pandora’s warm and brown eyes. She’d wanted to bathe in them. She’d wanted to sink into them. She’d eventually looked from her eyes to her whole face, and she’d suddenly wanted to kiss her. After that it was never the same again. Never.
And here, over a year later, she still had those feelings. Unacted on. Wanted to be deeply ignored, and failing miserably at that anyway. At times, Pandora was all that Narcissa could think about, and it made her want to scream, because it wasn’t a good thing. It was actually a really bad thing. Because no, it wasn’t bad to be in love with your best friend. What was bad was the fact that it could never happen, even if Pandora felt the same about her. With her family, and the high expectations in her life. The fact that she’d probably be married off to some wizard and be forced to produce heirs almost immediately. There was no point in trying, and if they were to try, it would likely just result in both of them getting hurt. She really didn’t want any of them to get hurt. At least not Pandora.
“It wouldn’t have bothered me,” Narcissa assured, and Pandora smiled at her.
“I suppose I’ll remember that the next time it happens then,” she answered, while locking her eyes with Narcissa. Neither of them looked away for a long while. They just sat there, staring at each other, and Narcissa didn’t want to look away. Never, ever. Eventually, though, she felt her face heating up. Although it was quite dark there, where only the candles lit up the room at night, she didn’t want Pandora to catch her blush, so she looked away.
They sat in silence for a while again, no sounds to be heard. They were just enjoying each other’s company. They did that a lot actually, when it was just the two of them. Just sitting in silence, often doing nothing. Narcissa never even got bored of it. She just enjoyed it. A lot.
Then Pandora broke the silence by clearing her throat. “But are you okay? Is anything on your mind, or…?” she asked. Narcissa didn’t look at her, just looked at her hands, and just sighed.
“No,” she started, but then stopped. Was it really worth it? To lie to Pandora and say that everything was okay, that she wasn’t worried at all? That she didn’t feel like all of her worries were weighing down on her to the point where she would just explode? There wasn't really any point in lying, especially not to Pandora. “Or, well, I suppose there’s some stuff.”
“What is it?” she asked, and sat further out on her chair. Clearly she was in a worried mood. Narcissa didn’t blame her.
“It’s just the Christmas Holidays. Family. The war. Everything, to be honest,” she said, and looked at Pandora. She nodded, and clearly she knew that there was more to say. She tried to let Narcissa speak. “Well it’s more. Or, it is that, but there’s way more to it. So much more to it. I mean, my family has always been fucked up, right? That’s old news. Everyone knows that the Blacks are no good. And growing up I just listened. I didn’t agree, but I listened and did what they wanted me to do. I never felt like there was any other way around it than that, even though I had living proof in front of me.
“Andromeda. You know, she was so brave. So brave, but it was just painful,” Narcissa felt her voice begin to break, which sucked. She did not want to cry, but they were emotions. She really had no type of way to control it. She continued. “She was always my role model. I always wanted to be like her, be as brave as her, and be able to stand up for myself, but I never could. No matter how hard I tried, I was never brave enough. And perhaps it is because I don't have the blood of a rebel. Sirius and Andromeda clearly got it. Bellatrix was fucking insane, and she’s even worse now. Always speaking about the Dark Lord like he’s some fucking saint, or a god. And me? I’m the scared little sister that couldn’t be any of them. I’m just stuck in the middle like some fucking trash. Because I’ll never get out, like Andromeda. And I’ll never actually be what my parents want, like Bellatrix. I’m just there, tagging along and suffering through it.”
Then she let out a sob, which made Narcissa want to crawl into a deep and dark hole. However, Pandora shot up from her seat, which made Narcissa stand up as well. Then Pandora had her arms around her, and held her. Made her feel steady, pulling her down to earth, and she let out a breath. She still sobbed, and cried her eyes out, but Pandora let her breathe.
“Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Pandora whispered, comforted. Except it wasn’t okay.
“No it’s not. It’s not okay,” Narcissa said through sobs, but not angrily. “Do you know why? Because they’ve made everything worse. So much worse. You know, I am so proud of Sirius for getting out of that house because I can tell that he’s been doing so much better since he moved to James’ house. But sometimes I hate him for it.
“The weeks after he ran away, my family was so mad. To be honest, I think they were a little frightened too. But anyway. Walburga and Orion came with this incredible idea that to keep an eye on their children, they need to be even more strict. And the actual idea? To make every child in the Black family get that stupid, stupid Dark Mark the Christmas of sixth year. Do you know what it is for me now? Christmas of my sixth year. They just decided that by the age of sixteen you should be connected to some dark wizard that will probably control your life after you get the Mark, and you can’t do a shit about it?”
Narcissa let out a breath, and another one, but they came out all shaky and wrong. And honestly she didn’t feel like she could breathe properly. Somewhere along the way, Pandora had completely froze.
“There’s no way to get you out of this? Like no chance at all?” Pandora asked, and her voice was a little shaky too.
“No. Absolutely no chance. Unless I protest, but that’d either end up with me getting disowned and burned out off our family tree, or they could kill me. I don’t know, but at least the first option.” Pandora pulled a bit away from the hug, to look at her, and Narcissa sobbed more. She would kill to have Pandora look at her like that every day, and be hers, but she never could be.
“You could live with me though. My family would welcome you with open arms,” Pandora said with a weak smile, and Narcissa wanted to. She really wanted to. But it wasn’t right.
“I know I could, but I don’t think it’s right. I think that this happening right here is my fate. I am supposed to be a Death Eater. I’m supposed to kill people for being good. Being heroes. And that word: hero. That’s not me, so very far from me. I was never supposed to be a hero, saving lifes. I don’t think I ever could. Like I said, I’m somewhere in between. Also, there’s Regulus. I know for a fact that he’ll never protest, no matter how much he wants to. I have to be there for him. I can’t leave him alone. Not there. He won’t have anyone else,” she said, and that was all she had to say, except. “Sorry, you probably think I’m disgusting now. Choosing the Death Eaters over a safe home with you. I’m just scared, and it’ll actually be less scary with them, no matter how weird that sounds.”
“I don’t think you’re disgusting, Cissa. I really don’t.” Narcissa felt herself breathe with relief, and she dried a tear on her cheek. “I totally understand it. I totally do,” she said and pulled her in for a hug again.
“Thank you,” Narcissa replied quietly, and Pandora pulled her in tighter.
“Is there anything I can do to calm your anxiety? To cheer you up?” she asked.
“Well, usually I just smoke a few cigarettes. However, that wasn’t working now,” Narcissa answered. “So no, nothing.”
Then Pandora pulled away. Instead of seeing the worried expression that she was expecting, she saw a smug smile instead, which just confused her. And suddenly scared her because Pandora could get her into some weird stuff just to distract her. The sympathy was still very clear in her face, though.
“I do have this one little trick that usually calms down my anxiety,” she said, and Narcissa raised an eyebrow at her, despite the fact that she knew that it looked weird due to her tearstained face.
“What is it?”
“Usually I turn on some music, and I just dance it all out until everything’s gone,” she answered, and fuck no, Narcissa was not doing that. She would much rather drown in her anxiety than dance around in the common room.
“No, I’m not doing that. You will never catch me doing that, ever.”
“Is that so?” Pandora replied, then used her wand to start a record player somewhere in the room. “Because I’ve already turned on the music.”
Pandora then stepped away from her, and started dancing around, completely unserious. Narcissa felt herself drown in embarrassment.
“Fine, you can enjoy your little dance party, but I’m not doing that,” she said, then started walking away and towards the dorms. “I’m going to bed.”
However, Pandora quickly danced her way to Narcissa, and before Narcissa could even try to actually walk away, Pandora’s hands were around her arm. Narcissa struggled against it, but Pandora’s grip on her arm was strong.
“What if it works? What if I’m just saving your life from anxiety? You will thank me.” Narcissa just looked at her. “Either way, you need to stop being a cold rock. You need to have some fun. And dancing sillily around in the common room? That is fun.”
Narcissa looked at her a bit more, but then she just gave up. “Fine. But I can assure you that if someone walks in here and sees us, then you’ll be my first kill as a Death Eater.”
Pandora smiled brightly with triumph, and then proceeded to drag Narcissa back into the middle of the common room.
At first, she just swayed awkwardly. Pandora was jumping and moving around, acting all silly and laughing. She looked beautiful, actually. Her smile felt so much brighter than the candles, and to be quite honest? She swayed mostly so she was able to stand still and admire her, until Pandora suddenly was holding her hands. Narcissa felt a rush of panic in her body, mixing in with the anxiety that was still there. However, the feeling of Pandora’s hands in her own was enough to calm her a lot down. Way more than the slightly moving around did. Then suddenly Narcissa was jumping around as well. Pandora was spinning her, and Narcissa spinned her back. They let go of each other's hands sometimes, just to move and jump around. Suddenly, she felt free. She couldn’t feel the anxiety anymore. It was just simply gone.
Eventually, the track on the record player changed from a rock song to a ballad, and both of them slowed down. At that moment, they were in the aftermath of a spin. One of Narcissa’s hands was grasping one of Pandora’s. The other one had landed on Pandora’s shoulder, and Narcissa felt her eyes widen. That was quite embarrassing, however, Pandora’s eyes did the exact same.
“I– um,” Pandora started, but never finished. They just stayed in silence, except for the ballad playing in the background. Narcissa was suddenly very aware of the tension built around them, and she could do nothing but stare at Pandora.
Then, out of nowhere, the universe decided to make her a stupid, stupid human being. Perhaps all of her desires were stronger than her self-control, and her ability to defend her feelings for Pandora and defending the two of them in general disappeared. Suddenly her hand was moving slowly, so very slowly, from Pandora’s shoulder and over to her face, and she held it. Pandora was frozen all over, her eyes bulged out of her skull, and Narcissa just knew that she had to do it. Maybe it was risky. Maybe it would make her desires stronger than every, which would torture her forever because she knew that she could never be with who she wanted. So she was suddenly leaning in, very slowly. She started to panic, ever so slightly, but there was also no use. She just had to do it.
Now Pandora was leaning in too, just as slowly as Narcissa, and right before their lips finally met, she closed her eyes. Narcissa did the same.
Then, finally, their lips were joined together, as if it was one. It wasn’t like one of those cheesy clichès that are always written in the books. It wasn't the “Our lips met, and it felt like every thrill I had experienced. It was like you’d been drowning for years, and you were finally pulled up from your misery” type of thing. It was more like she had longed for this for a whole year, and she finally got it, and she sort of felt more complete than ever. And perhaps that was cheesy. Perhaps that was the incomplete puzzle one, where Narcissa was the puzzle, and Pandora was the missing piece. But she also knew that if that was it, then Narcissa would lose that one puzzle piece, and then, it would be gone forever.
However, now, she let herself be happy. She let herself drown in her love for Pandora, and she would value this moment to the day she died.
June 24 1995
Somewhere, in the Malfoy Manor, years later, Narcissa was standing, breathing. She was alone in her big house. No sounds, no people, and only a room lit up by candles, just like that one time with Pandora. Except now, Pandora wasn’t a part of her life anymore. She hadn’t been for a few years. Instead, she had a husband and a son. The life she’d always despised, but had always known that she would end up with, and it was tolerable. Perhaps she didn’t want to be with Lucius, but they had a son together, and she loved Draco with her whole soul, and wished that she could save him from his dreadful future.
At that moment, Draco was at Hogwarts, most likely watching the Triwizard Championship. And Lucius? He’d been summoned by that stupid Dark Mark that she’d thought was a memory. She’d been wrong.
The Death Eaters had always spoken highly about how their Lord would return, no matter how strange it sounded. Sure, they were witches and wizards. They could do a lot of stuff. They couldn’t revive people, and Voldemort was dead.
She didn’t really like to think about Voldemort’s cause of death. Not because she was sad for him. It was so very far from that. It was more the fact that he’d died because of Lily, and that James had died right before that. She’d never really been that close to either of them. At least not James. Her and Lily had some great memories, like when she sat with her late at night after a close friends party that Pandora and Dorcas invited her to. And James? Her sadness was mostly because of Regulus, even though it was over a decade since his death. Regulus would’ve been devastated to hear that James didn’t make it much further than himself. But perhaps it was good. Narcissa had always thought that James belonged with Regulus, and that Lily belonged with Alice, and that their relationship had been a mistake. But at least now the two of them were reunited in the afterlife.
However, Voldemort was not dead, not anymore. He’d been revived. By who and how was unknown to her, but he was alive once more, and that was all that mattered. And it wasn’t a good thing, far from it, because she knew what it meant. It meant more fights, more death, more war. Harry would probably be hunted after at some point, and he would know that he was alive, and no one would believe him.
It all made Narcissa anxious. Extremely anxious. To the point where she felt like she might explode, because she didn’t want to go through all that again. The losing people she loved, and having to kill the people she cared about on the other side. However, most of the people she did care about from that side were gone. Lily was gone, James was gone, Sirius was stuck in Azkaban for something she knew he didn’t do, Marlene died, Dorcas died, Alice and Frank were both tortured by her sister to the point where they were alive but didn’t function like normal people, Regulus was gone. So many people were gone. She knew that Remus was still around, but not exactly mentally healthy. Mary and Emmeline were the only couple that survived the war. Peter was still very alive, the fucking bastard.
Oh. Pandora was dead too.
After their kiss, stuff happened. That Christmas, she’d not only been marked, but she’d also been promised to Lucius Malfoy. When she found out about that, she’d felt like the world was ending, even though it obviously wasn’t. However, she’d known that the kiss with Pandora would hurt even more.
Pandora had brought it up in a letter that Christmas, demanding her to explain because Pandora had been thinking about that kiss the whole holiday. Narcissa had been honest. She’d told her that she liked her. That had led to Pandora confessing that she felt the same, and that’s when Narcissa knew that she had to break her heart. She’d told her how she wished, but that they couldn’t be in a relationship. She’d explained how she was now promised to Lucius Malfoy, and that she had no way out of it. She’d explained how it was for the better. That starting a relationship would only break their hearts in the end. Pandora had responded with a letter that Narcissa still had, that she kept safe in a locked diary. It read something like this:
Dear Narcissa,
I don’t care about all that. Not at all. Because sometimes love has to hurt right? Sometimes the truest loves are the ones failing miserably. And yes, it will probably end up with both of us getting hurt in the end, but I don’t care Cissa. I don’t care. I don’t think I could live with myself if I knew there was something so great out there that I could’ve had, but never got because we were too scared. I’m not scared to love you. Not at all. We don’t even have to hide at Hogwarts, because who is going to tell on us? And if we last through Hogwarts, then we’ll just have to decide what we want to do then. If that’s breaking up, or hiding it. But right now, when we actually can, I want to be with you. I love you.
Love,
Pandora
After reading that, Narcissa was weak, and she couldn’t say no. But now she really wished that she did. It would’ve saved them so much pain.
Pandora had been right about some stuff, of course. Their time in a relationship at Hogwarts was the best time of her life, and it had lasted for a full one and a half years. Any memory with Pandora from those years was enough to cast her patronus. However, the years after had been tough.
They’d decided to keep their relationship hidden, despite how hard it was. Narcissa had married Lucius almost immediately after finishing Hogwarts. She’d felt so guilty about it, even though Pandora kept reassuring her that it was fine. It didn’t help the guilt.
However, time went on, and eventually their relationship was completely hopeless. They were barely able to meet each other, and if they did, it was usually in the middle of a fight between the Death Eaters and the Order, or they met in peace and had around an hour. So they decided to end it, despite still being as much in love with each other.
Suddenly, Pandora had a boyfriend. Xenophilius. Narcissa wouldn’t lie and say that she hadn’t been jealous, but she was also happy for the girl she still loved. And thankfully, Pandora still loved her back. She’d told Narcissa that, after they ran into each other one time in Diagon Alley. They’d decided to catch up a bit, and Pandora had reassured her. Pandora was still in love with her, but she’d also fallen in love with Xenophilius. She’d said that if she couldn’t have what she desired the most, then she’d rather have her next one. She didn’t want to be unhappy. Narcissa had understood.
Then Narcissa got a child, and Pandora got a child, and suddenly their love felt impossible. But it was still there.
Then Voldemort lost his fight, and everything had been weird. Narcissa was mixed with the devastation for everything and everyone she’d lost, but also the relief that both her and Pandora had made it out in the end. It made her hopeful. She’d never started to hope again.
Pandora went ahead and died almost ten years later. Not from getting killed, or sickness. It was because she was playing around with those spells that she always did. Narcissa hadn’t been the same since then. Not ever. It felt like she’d been in this weird and dark mood ever since she heard the news. It felt like the world had ended. That nothing was real. That everything exploded.
And now things would get bad again, and she could do nothing but wish for her own survival, and Draco’s. Remus’ survival. Emmeline and Mary’s. The few people in her life that still mattered.
Lucius was gone, probably helping the Dark Lord with killing or severely traumatising Harry even more than he already had.
And Narcissa?
Well, she could only turn on the music in their most open room, and wish for the anxiety to be danced out of her body, in the memory of the girl she'd loved and always would love.