The Hidden House

Sirius had been a free man for longer than he had been incarcerated, but he could not shake the feeling that he was still in the prison. The Potters had moved into the Hidden house with him, and Remus and Sirius loved being around them. The house was full of life and laughter, and noise. It seemed that everyone was happily celebrating that they had survived. 

Everywhere he went, there was someone. Even in his room, he was rarely alone. Someone would come looking for him. More often than not, that someone would be Harry. He was talking more now than he had been two weeks ago, and his favorite word was “Pads.” Sirius tried to keep a smile on his face and engage with everyone. He wanted to celebrate with them, he knew how lucky they all were to be alive, but he could not shake the heaviness that had settled into his bones in Azkaban. 

The pain of survival weighed on him like a curse, and the pressure of it exhausted him. The longer he carried the memory of Azkaban, the harder he found it to be himself. He hated himself for it. He was not in prison anymore. There were no dementors floating past his window. He slept on a mattress instead of on the cold floor, so why did his body still ache? Why was he still tempted to spend his time as Padfoot so he would not have to attempt speech? 

He found himself casting silencing charms on his room every night so that nobody would hear his screams. Sometimes they were from nightmares, and sometimes he just needed to shout, to release the pressure inside of him that felt like it would explode at any given moment. He knew he could not take much more of this before he would end up blowing up on the people he loved, something that he could never allow to happen. He had found himself being filled with anger even toward Harry when he was too loud. 

The sudden shriek he had released when playing behind Sirius had thrown his mind back to the night he saved Remus. He started, convinced that there was a death eater behind him. When he turned to find only Harry, he had had to bite his tongue hard to prevent himself from yelling at the child. Sirius had spent the rest of the day locked in his room. He had not come out for meals or allowed anyone in. He knew he could no longer trust himself around the people he loved. Not while he was carrying this hurt inside of him. 

It was during one of those sleepless nights that he realized what he needed to do. He had been sitting on the edge of his bed after giving up on sleep, staring at his bookshelf, lost in thought, when he had noticed his motorcycle still sitting on the shelf in its shrunken form. He stood up and made his way to the bike, the idea becoming more evident with each step. He needed to leave. 

The following day, Sirius cornered James to tell him he was leaving. He knew that Remus and Lily would talk him into staying, but James would understand. James had seen more than anyone else how he processed trauma. James was the one who had taken care of him after he ran away from home. The house was still under the Fidelius Charm, which had been a relief to the Potters, who had been the front page of every edition of the Daily Prophet, but they did not have to stay home. Lily went out to the market, visited Molly, and got her hair done at a salon. It seemed like she had forgotten what it had felt like to be trapped for over a year. Remus had only been in hiding for two months and had never been forced to stay. Only James would understand the toll that hiding would take on Sirius. 

“James, I-” James cut Sirius off before he could get another word out. 

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” James asked. Sirius knew he shouldn’t be surprised that James had figured it out. James knew him better than anyone, even Remus. 

“Yeah, mate, I’m leaving. I already packed my stuff into my bike bags.” James nodded as he spoke. 

“You’re taking the bike, then? That’ll be good for you. When are you taking off?” Sirius felt tears forming in his eyes as he realized the depth of his brother’s love. Sirius knew that James did not want to let him go. All James wanted was to keep them close after the trauma they had lived through, but he was willing to let him go anyway. Sirius pulled him into a tight hug, and the tears fell as he answered. 

“I am taking off today. I will say goodbye before I leave, but I will need you to back me up so they can’t stop me.” 

“Anything you need, mate, just promise you will write, yeah?” Sirius just nodded in response, embracing James again before pulling back and wiping the tears from his eyes.

“The house is yours, James,” Sirius said finally. 

“What do you mean? I have money, Sirius. I can buy a new house.” Sirius could hear the laughter in James’s voice. James was wealthy, but he was still not as rich as Sirius. 

“I bought the house with the money your parents left me. Now that I have been cleared and the war is over, I have my full inheritance. I am the sole heir of the Black family fortune, James, and it doesn’t feel right that I should have this house. Your parents bought it, and you should have it.” James nodded his understanding. He would never say it to Sirius, but he knew that this was less about who’s money bought the home and more about Sirius’s guilt. He couldn’t leave another home. He couldn’t abandon them. He needed to give them this, at least. 

“Okay, Sirius. Thank you, but your room will always be yours, even if the home is in our name. You never need to give us notice, and you stay as long as you want to. This is your home too.” The two embraced once more. It was painful to move on despite knowing that Sirius was making the best choice for himself.

“What’s going on in here?” Lily’s voice startled the brothers apart. She paused, taking in the sight before her. She had only come to the kitchen to get a snack for Harry but had instead discovered Sirius and James crying and hugging each other. Whatever the cause, she knew she wouldn’t like it. 

“It’s time for me to go, Lily,” Sirius said finally. 

“That is stupid, Sirius. Why would you leave?” She would have pressed the matter further if she had not looked over at her husband at that moment. Her heart broke for him. He was just standing there behind Sirius, eyes rimmed in red, slowly shaking his head at her. 

“I need to leave, Lils. Not forever, just for now.”

“What does ‘not forever’ mean? I am going to need you to be a little more specific if I am going to get on board with this.” She knew she was overstepping, but she felt like she was losing her family again. She had already lost so much.

“I am moving out, traveling on my bike for a while until I find somewhere to settle. Once I find a place I will floo and visit. We can have Sunday tea and gossip like little old ladies, I promise,” Lily laughed at his words. Knowing Sirius, he would wear a wig and a dress and show up unexpectedly for tea on a Sunday morning. 

“Okay. I still don’t understand why you are leaving, but I will try. Don’t you dare sneak out the back door without saying goodbye to Harry and Remus.” Sirius let out a small chuckle at Lily’s word, making a mental note to tell James that she needed more friends than Molly Weasley. If she wasn’t careful, she would turn into the frazzled woman. 

“I wouldn’t think of it, Lily. I was already coming to say goodbye when you came in here. Do you really think I would leave without saying goodbye to my godson? My brother? You know me better than that.” He didn’t have time to react before Lily swatted him on the ass as he walked by. “Bloody hell, woman! What did I do to you?” He exclaimed in shock. James was doubled over in laughter and shooed him out of the room. Sirius chose to ignore Lily’s claim that her knowing him was exactly why she smacked him. 

A weight settled on his chest as he finally made his way to the living room, where Remus was playing with Harry. Harry screamed in delight as Remus ran around the room on all fours with Harry on his back. Happy shouts of “Horsie!” and “Faster!” filled the room. Sirius knew that he was making the right decision. He wasn’t ready to be around so much so soon. His pain felt like poison in his chest; if he wasn’t careful, it would infect everyone and everything around him. Still, seeing two of the people he loved most in the world so happy made leaving that much harder.  

The hurt must have been showing on his face because Remus shot him a concerned look and lifted Harry off of his back. It was a change that Harry was not very happy about. He spotted Sirius almost immediately and ran over to him, arms in the air and demanding a horse. At that moment, Sirius decided that he could leave thirty minutes late. He climbed onto his knees and made a show of how old and sore he was (at the ripe age of 21), and Remus put Harry onto his back. Thirty minutes stretched into an hour before James came to the rescue and took Harry off for a nap. 

Sirius felt a twinge of guilt as he hugged his godson goodnight, knowing that Harry would be expecting him to be there when he woke up. With this in mind, he choked an apology and farewell to Remus before hurrying out the door. He was three hours gone before the tears started pouring down his face. 

***

Sirius wasn’t entirely sure where he was when he finally stopped driving. He knew he must be somewhere near Scotland, for he had picked a course north and hardly deviated from it. He didn’t know what he was looking for; he just hoped he would know when he found it. For tonight, all he was looking for was a place to sleep and a place to drink, his worries away. He did not want to be left alone with his thoughts tonight. 

He settled on the Tattersalls Hotel in Penrith. It was a muggle business with nice rooms. He felt a thrill of delight at the idea of spending his Black family fortune on muggle businesses. With that thought in mind, he decided on the most expensive room they had to offer. After reserving the room and letting the concierge bring his bags up for him, he took off on his bike again, looking for a pub to drown in. 

Sirius followed the noise to a local muggle bar and knew he had found the right place. It was packed with more people than he would have liked, but it was also full of joy. A television in the corner played a muggle sporting event, and all of the patrons were fighting for a view. Periodically cheers erupted through the room, only to be interrupted by groans based on the game's progress. Sirius was not sure what the game was called or why they were all so invested in it, but he was sure that nobody would fault him for drinking heavily tonight. 

It was close to three in the morning when a very drunk Sirius stumbled out of the pub, singing off-key with some of the muggle patrons. He had never heard the song before, but they had insisted on teaching it to him so he could join the celebration. The correct team must have won for them to be so determined, and he welcomed the distraction. He had barely had a thought all evening and did not intend to start now. When he finally made it back to his hotel and into his bed, he had fallen asleep the moment his head had hit the pillow. 

The next day Sirius made it to Edinburgh and decided to stay there for the time being. He liked the idea of not having anything set. He could come and go as he pleased, and nobody could fault him for it. Nobody would care or even notice. He made a point of avoiding connections, visiting a different pub or bar every night. He would get as drunk as he could and spend the next morning sleeping it off. 

He kept with his new tradition of staying in muggle establishments. Before he knew it, three weeks had passed, and he had not spent a knut. He only interacted with the wizarding world when he warded his rooms at night and when he styled his hair in the morning. He had no idea how to use the muggle products, and the spells and potions he used were so easy. 

Sirius might very well have continued on this cycle forever if he had not received an owl from a very concerned Lily one morning. He had promised to write, and he hadn’t. He wasn’t entirely sure why he had chosen not to write. He wanted to justify it by claiming he had forgotten, he had been so engrossed with forgetting his life that it could be believed, but he knew that was a lie. There had been many slow afternoons before he made his way to a pub where he sat at a desk with a quill and parchment and debated what to say. 

He didn’t want them to know how he had been living. He wasn’t ashamed of his behavior, but he didn’t want them to stop him. He did not want to give James a reason to find him and drag him home. All he wanted was to be left alone, he told himself, pushing away the little voice that said to him that he really wanted not to feel this hurt. Some part of him had believed that they would forget about him. He could disappear into self-destruction, and nobody would notice. 

Sirius knew that that was a stupid thought. His friends would never leave him behind. None of the thoughts racing through his mind made sense lately, and he refused to look at them long enough to sort them out. That was why he was staring at the letter that Lily had sent via owl this cold winter morning and debating opening it. It was late afternoon before he finally worked up the courage. 

“Sirius, I don’t know what you are going through right now, and I won’t pretend to, but you need to know we miss you. It’s okay if you’re not ready to tell me anything. I won’t ask you to. Just please, say something. Harry has been asking for you. He misses you too. I have a compromise for you if you are willing to consider it.” Sirius paused, not sure if he was ready to keep reading. “Write back and tell me lies. Tell me whatever you want to, and make something up. I don’t care what you say; just say something. Just sign your letter S.B. instead of Sirius, and I will know you are lying, and I will know you are alive. I miss my brother. L.P.” 

Sirius hadn’t realized he was crying until the tears landed on the parchment. He had been so afraid of telling them anything that he had shut them out entirely. He was so devoted to his pain that he had closed the door on any happiness left. Of course, he could talk to Lily. She and James were the only family he had left. Ever since Hogwarts, when Lily had received that fateful letter about her parent's death in the sixth year, she had been his sister. 

They had always been friends, but that day had changed something. The letter had been from Lily’s sister Petunia, and at the end of the letter Petunia and her husband had requested that they not be bothered by Lily and ‘her sort’ after the funeral. He had seen how Lily’s face crumpled and immediately stolen James’s invisibility cloak and her away to Hogsmeade. 

The pair had spent the night drinking their troubles at the Hog’s Head. Sirius was the only one who understood what it felt like to be disowned by your entire family in the way that Lily had. He had had to run from his own home only a few months earlier. They had promised each other that night that they would always be their family. They would be the siblings that they had both lost. 

Sirius picked up parchment and quill and wrote Lily a letter. He told her a fantastic story of how he had ridden his motorcycle into battle against a dragon and how he had charmed a veela. He signed the letter S.B. and left a postscript that simply said, “I’m sorry, Lils.” He sent the letter back with the owl that had delivered Lily’s message and decided that something needed to change. He wasn’t ready to return to his life yet, but he couldn’t drink his life away, either. He needed something else. 

That night, instead of getting drunk, Sirius Black finally left Edinburgh. He arrived at Inverness after midnight and collapsed into a dingy bed in a pub. It was a different sort of tiredness than he had been feeling, he wasn’t drunk tonight, but he fell asleep without setting wards. Something told him that tonight, at least, he wouldn’t wake up screaming. He was right.