Silence Hurts (Enhypen)

Riki feared there would come a day when she found herself sitting in a hospital lobby, waiting. Today was that day. The wall clock at the end of the hallway showed half past four - not long before sunrise. She had been waiting outside the operating theatre for hours. Her fingers picked at the loose hook on her blouse. Something to do while they remained clammy. Her breaths were shallow and laboured; anxiety gripped her lungs. Her left leg incessantly bounced on the floor.

She stood up when the doors opened. The head surgeon made her way out, a resident hot on her heels.

“How is she?” Riki’s eyes roamed all over the surgeon’s face. She could hear commotion inside the theatre. The nurses and other residents were taking care of the remaining procedure. Her heart was thumping right in her throat, wanting to jump out of her body.

“We were able to save her vital organs and the major arteries in her neck. She is out of danger,” the surgeon stated, removing her mask. She smiled reassuringly.

Riki sighed, although she couldn’t bring herself to return that smile. She couldn’t help but sit back on the bench, head in her hands. Her prayers were heard. A seasonal agnostic’s pleas were heard. A cry of relief broke out from deep within her chest. She tried wiping the initial tears, but they kept coming. Every capillary in her eyes was prickling and trying to gush out as many tears as possible. She didn’t usually entertain the waterworks but today was an exception.

“But there’s something we aren’t sure about…” The resident doctor patiently added.

Riki’s breath hitched, and she looked up at all of them, their faces now slightly grim.

“Her larynx— voice box— was in no condition to be restored. We had to conduct a total laryngectomy. Which led to the removal of her epiglottis and some other parts down the line of her windpipe.” The surgeon tried to gauge Riki’s possible reaction. “In a later appointment we will talk about it in detail. For now, please rest; you’ll get to see her shortly.” She patted Riki’s shoulder twice; whether to console or use as a period to her explanation, she didn’t know.

Riki felt that somewhere she had lost her own voice.

The meeting went well. Her team of employees was finally able to pitch something that piqued the interest of money-hungry investors. At least their eco-friendly, locally sourced, organic, and sustainable convenience store would be able to get more funds. One less obstacle in Riki’s path.

Her break was about to end, and she could barely bring herself to eat as she had preferred personally congratulating all the employees on that day’s success. She felt giddy all over. Her hands were jittery and her legs bounced on their own accord. If her grandmother were alive today, she would have scolded her for bringing bad luck with her ‘bad habit’. She was in her cabin, sitting at her work table which was shaking with her uncontained energy. She took the first bite of her wrap that she had been trying to eat for the past five minutes. Her mouth had suddenly forgotten what to make out of food. She kept chewing as if it was cud while playing the meeting over and over in her head.

Her phone interrupted her rumination. She put her wrap down. It was a video call with a ringtone dedicated to this specific caller. It was her wife.

“Hi baby!” Riki couldn’t contain her excitement.

On the other side of the call was Jake. She was sitting in front of the screen, her phone visibly on the desk in front, firmly situated. That is how video calls are now.

“Hey love!” Jake signed, a dopey smile on her face. “Your energy tells me I don’t have to worry too much about dinner.” Jake added, knowingly. Amusement was clear on her face. Her shaggy brown hair got in the way of her eyes.

“Yes! Dinner is on me. Ask away. You craving something?” Riki would empty her wallet, her bank account, her entire life’s worth of saving right this moment for Jake.

Jake tapped a forefinger on her chin, acting like she was in deep thought when both of them already knew what the answer would be.

Suddenly Jake widened her eyes, like she was struck with the brightest idea. She proceeded to cup her left hand horizontally to represent a bowl and joined the fore and middle fingers of her right hand to replicate chopsticks. She moved her right hand up and down, from the bowl to her mouth. Her cheeks sucked in and her mouth rounded, sucking in air like she was slurping.

She wanted noodles. Riki had known. Jake had been watching noodle videos the previous night. Although this was not how they learnt to sign noodles. But Jake looked so cute while signing that, like a cute chipmunk slurping air. Turning her insides all gooey in adoration. And it got the job done. So, no one was complaining.

But she furrowed her eyebrows, acting confused. Jake had promised she would practice signs rightly even with her rather than opting for slangs for convenience. Jake threw her hands in the air, exasperated at Riki acting strictly with her.

The bell indicating Riki’s end of breaktime rang. Jake heard it; otherwise, the latter would have started bickering and bantering with her.

“Tsk alrighty, text me what you want from Kim's menu.” She placed her unfinished wrap back in her tiffin box and clicked the lid shut. Her eyes constantly moved from the screen to her box. “And don’t binge watch taxidermy videos!” She pointed a finger right at her camera lens. “For your sanity…” a sigh. “And mine.”

Jake snickered on the other side. Riki frowned and pursed her lips, done with her antics. She likes her animals alive. Not skinned and stuffed and immobile that sit in some corner of the room and look at her unblinkingly. She feared Jake might get one home. Or worse, become a taxidermist herself!

 “Okay, got to go. See you in the evening. Love ya!”

“I love you, love.” Jake always took her time signing that. She wanted the air to be punctured with those words and then deliver it to Riki with a gentle caress. And Riki would keep everyone and everything waiting for Jake to complete her confession, every single time. She could finish the wrap later, whenever that is.

Riki could still hear those words. Could still hear Jake. Her confessions of love. As if it was just yesterday that Jake had lost her voice. Tears started pricking in her eyes. Her fucking eyes! Why do they unleash a dam every time she thinks about it? Fortunately, Riki ended the call before they could become evident to her wife.

Riki kept ringing and ringing the doorbell of her house. It’d been five minutes, and Jake wasn’t opening the door. How will she? She had to be inside to open it. Which she wasn’t. But Riki kept abusing the bell.

She lied to me. Jake… How could she? Riki couldn’t bring herself to believe that Jake broke her trust.

There was the sound of the elevator door opening. Riki turned around to see Jake exiting it, evidently in a rush. As if to reach home before she did. But the cat was out of the bag now.

“Riki I can—” Jake rushed to explain, her legs rushing to make their way towards her, but Riki put her hands up, having none of it. She retrieved the spare key from under the welcome mat and unlocked the door.

Riki stormed to the centre of their living room with harsh steps, stomping one step at a time. She kept her bag on the coffee table and turned around. Her breathing had quickened and she hadn’t even done anything physically exerting. Her eyes were accusingly glaring at Jake. The latter stood near the entrance; her stature was awkward and full of regret, head hung low.

“You thought you could keep working for them and I wouldn’t know?” Riki started. “Jake, we talked about this. How could you?” Her voice was raising with each word. And there was no force to tip the balance because Jake can’t speak. Her limited abilities that could have been retrieved had also atrophied. Jake can’t speak.

“You promised me you wouldn’t go back. Why the hell you want to do that? Do my words mean nothing to you?”

Jake’s head snapped up. She stared hard at Riki. The intensity would have made Riki fall to her knees if she wasn’t herself feeling a storm brew inside her. The molasses in her had hardened and became unbreakable. The anger and betrayal had made her stronger than she had expected.

If Jake could speak, she would have interfered by now. But arguing with a fully voiced person made her close up. The other person will keep screaming and mocking, and she will be left moving her arms in the air with no consensus at the end. And her limited, hoarse voice made her want to never utter anything.

She hadn’t lost her ability to speak completely. The surgeon had explained that Jake will just have to make use of other oral mechanisms to speak, and she will sound different. But Jake couldn’t bring herself to speak. She couldn’t bear hearing her own voice, no matter the progress that the surgeon promised with the right speech therapist. So, she had come to stay quiet, even with her different speech now.

Things had never escalated this much with Riki. Her wife was a fighter. Whether in life or against people. But it had left her being when Jake had lost her voice, and the latter knew it. They had never fought since that incident, and it was evident that whatever Riki had kept buried deep within her in the past two years was boiling over. She could hear the pain in her voice. Her voice was sharp but jagged, like the barbed edges of a broken vessel. Falling apart but also cutting the hand trying to fix it.

Jake couldn’t take it; she walked to Riki and spread her arms, having the dire urge to hug her and soothe her. She needed that. They both need that. But Riki pushed her hands away and turned away from her before she could go ahead. In the process, pushing away Jake’s heart that she presents as a peace offering.

“Do you… love me?” Riki’s question was barely a whisper. Her hands crossed and her back to Jake.

That question stung. How could Riki ever question that? It was like mocking her very existence. All of a sudden, she felt faint. Like she was a tree rooted to the ground and someone is axing her down, while she can’t do anything but watch and writhe in pain.

Jake moved to face Riki, searching eyes, “What?”

“Yes, or no?” Riki’s shoulders were shaking with each word, but her resolve was unshakable. She bore her gaze into Jake’s momentarily and then averted it.

Jake could only nod. They were standing closer now, so Riki could sense it.

“Then why?” Riki turned to Jake, “Why did you choose your work over me? Over us? Tell me! You lost your voice because of your fucking Secret Service duties or whatever! You said you quit! Then why? Why? Why go back, huh?” Riki’s chin was wobbling; she was breaking apart bit by bit, but her fight won’t desert her today. The vein in her forehead was throbbing and seemed ready to burst any moment. Her eyes were red and rheumy. 

A sob escaped and a dam was opened. But only her chest rattled with her sobs.  She reigned control over the rest of her body. The fight hadn’t left her. She clenched her fist, willing herself to not double over herself and whimper on the floor like a kicked puppy.

It was enough. Jake had to give her a piece of her mind. “Then what do you want me to do? You realize, without my voice, my job prospects have reduced to nil. No one understands me. Kids give me weird looks when I sign in public, like I am some alien. And that one time when I spoke… my voice… It was like I was hearing someone I didn’t recognize; and those gremlin kids who heard me started calling me names and thought I was a bogeywoman.  My work…? It was my life! I trained for it my entire life. Do you think it’s easy? I lost myself the day I lost my voice, Riki! I don’t know who I am anymore.” She clutched her head in frustration.

“You lost your voice because of that fucking passion of yours.” Riki face betrayed disbelief. Something she commended Jake for, today it sickened her. Duty, camaraderie, patriotism, passion; to hell with that!

“Fine. That’s that. But you know what else is the problem? Your work. You are earning peanuts working as the manager of an eco-friendly household store,” Jake had no reason to sign it cheekily like it was a fucking joke, “for the amount of work you do. Do you think that’s enough? That’s enough for my therapy and medical bills, which god knows when they’ll end. Is it enough to have a family of our own? To fulfil your dream of a homestead?” Jake was not able to point this out when they had had this very same discussion those two years ago. The only difference was that time they were sitting beside each other, Jake on the hospital bed and Riki on a chair beside it, and using their phones to text and communicate. There hadn’t seemed a point to argue further with Riki, but that didn’t mean Jake would just sit around and have a gala time.

“If money was the issue, then you could have told me? I’d have switched work. Or took up more jobs. I am trying hard to take care of everything. I don’t want anything to interfere in your recovery.” Riki sniffled. Her salty tears slipped past her lips. She was aware of her shortcomings. She was miles behind making all their wishes true, but she was trying her best.

“I know love. I do,” how Jake wanted to take her wife’s face between her palms and make her feel safe like a little bird in the palms of its beloved and trustworthy friend. But she can’t do that. She had to do the talking. Seeing Riki cry was earth shattering. She did not know how long she could continue this without throwing herself on her knees and pushing her face in Riki’s thighs, just crying her heart out. But she wasn’t the one who was betrayed. So, she couldn’t seek the easy way out.

“And that is why I wanted to work and save up. I could still provide intel to my team-“ She stopped momentarily, seeing Riki’s face darken and twist at the mention of her team. Something Riki wanted her to stay far, far away from. “And it was paying well. We won’t even have pensions in the future. We have to save up! I want to see you achieve everything that you deserve. And that requires investment and a shitload of money. I don’t want you to be so burdened by everything…”

“Save up for what? What use is the money if I don’t have you to spend it with? Let me make one thing clear, Miss Jake Sim.” Riki jabbed her finger in the centre of Jake’s chest, albeit gently; that area was sensitive, and her tracheostomy device shouldn’t be disturbed by any means. “I had almost lost my wife once because of that fuckass line of duty of hers, I can’t lose her again. I was fortunate enough to get her back one time. Miracles don’t happen twice. And a matter of fact, she lost her voice,” Riki’s own sounded broken, her nose was stuffy and she had to keep sniffling to continue her words, “and it had shattered her entire world. I can’t see her lose more, and I refuse to lose her. A lethal injury to her neck, and it would all have been over. I’ll break my back, starve, and trade my hide to support us, but I refuse to let you get in danger again.”

With that, she charged to her room. Jake let her be.

Jake knocked on the bedroom door. Receiving no answer, she tried the door handle. It was unlocked.

Riki was lying on the bed, her back to the door. Jake slowly walked over to the bed. Riki wasn’t asleep. Jake could tell by the rise and fall of her chest. She had stopped crying at least. Jake sat on the bed. Minutes passed, but Riki remained motionless. Jake laid on the bed, facing her back. A fight like this warrants Riki blowing her steam off in a few hours and then apologizing. Without failing to promise that she would never repeat the same action again. She never repeats them. But this fight was one of a kind. A fight of life or death.

If you die, you die. But if your love dies? You still die. Fighting for your lover’s life is fighting for your own. Jake understood that. That is why, this time she couldn’t wait for Riki to cool off. She had to make her own amends; after all, she did break a promise.

She moved closer to Riki’s back and brought her in for a hug; Riki didn’t resist. Instead, her frame started shaking. She was crying again. Jake shushed her with whatever mumbling sound she could make. Riki found that calming. She stroked Riki’s hair; it soothed her. Her erratic breathing calmed down. Those few minutes seemed to stretch on for days.

“I am sorry for lashing out on you. I never have before, and I never should. I don’t know what came over me.”

Jake shook her head in admonishment and realized that Riki couldn’t see her, so she tapped on her shoulder and tilted it backwards to get her attention. Riki turned to her. It was times like these when Jake loathed not being able to reach out with her voice. Losing her work and her social circle hurt but what hurt the most was how it turned not only her but also Riki’s world upside down. And now Jake can never whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Can never have her back to her if she wants to be heard and understood. Sometimes, looking at people is hard, and you just want your voice to bridge all the gaps, fill all the cracks in between.

“I am sorry. I broke my promise. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have gone behind your back and done that one thing that terrifies you the most. I understand why you exploded on me. I forgive you. Even though there’s nothing to ask for forgiveness. But will you forgive me?” Riki was finally meeting her eyes. Looking at her with those big doey eyes, her face scrunched up in pain. The pain of all that has come and gone. The pain that is yet to come. Life is all about pains, and salves that make you hiss less and smile more.

“I forgive you. This is not even about me. It should have never been. You have been through so much. I think I was being selfish tch.” Riki looked down; a guilty smile took over her face. Shame marring her features. A guilty smile was a smile nonetheless and for Jake, a landslide progress.

Jake shook her head aggressively, denying the claims. Letting go of her restraints, she brought her palms to Riki’s cheeks. They were soft and adorable, just like their possessor. She held them tenderly and tilted her head up to meet her eyes again. Her right thumb traced the apple of her cheek like it is the most precious thing in the world. Her eyes remained trained on Riki’s. When words can't do the talking, then one has to get over themself and let their eyes do the talking. It’s difficult and vulnerable but it’s also honest and raw. They could see each other’s love and pain reflected in them. Reassuring each other that when they love, it’s for each other and when they fight, it's for each other. They are a team. A fight can destroy them but can never break them apart.

Jake brings her hands back. “You didn’t. I think I would have done the same if I were you. I love you. I love you so much. I never want to be the reason you are hurt.”

“I love you too— and same.”

“I love what you do. I want you to work for the community and provide them with sustainable alternatives. I want to be able to support your dreams. How can I take that away from you and expect that you keep working day and night? I can’t…” Jake shook her head.

Riki let her continue. Her eyes never leaving Jake’s. She blinked her eyes to rid them of the remaining tears.

“I don’t want to be a burden on you—”, Riki tried to interrupt, but Jake pressed a finger to her lips. She shook her head. “I know. I am not a burden on you. But your reassurances can only go so far. We are in this shit together, so I want to equally contribute.”

Jake let out what can be assumed to be a shaky breath, only that no air came out of her mouth. Only the HMU could do that; however it possibly did.

That was a lot. Jake hadn’t been so honest with Riki in the past two years. Nor had she signed so much so fast. She knew that Riki was also observing that, but she’d make her praiseful remarks later, not wanting to burst this delicate moment. She could see the pride overtaking Riki’s eyes. Her form was a little relaxed.

“God, there isn’t anything that you are not willing to do for me. I am glad that it is you I get to spend my life with.”

“Through sickness and health?” Riki prodded, blinking her eyes at her.

A chuckle of sorts escaped Jake. “Through sickness and health.”

“And near-death experiences?” Riki offered ludicrously. Jake laughed at that, a different laugh that Riki had come to recognize now. Riki snorted.

Then everything became silent. Riki moved in Jake’s arms completely. They lay there for some time.

Jake tapped on Riki’s arm. The latter looked up and moved to give some space to Jake to move her arms.

“I am going to work.”

The serene expression on Riki’s face dropped.

“I am not going back to my old life. I want to start afresh. I’ll see what I can do.”

That alleviated some of Riki’s worries, but she was concerned. Jake had stopped going out of the house after the incident. And it was only a year’s development that she would accompany her on grocery runs and leisure walks. Many things changed in the outside world in the span of two years. Riki kept her updated, but one had to experience it all themselves. And now, with Jake’s condition, she will look at the world in a different way. The world too will look at her differently. Now that Riki knows, Jake did make those secret visits without her knowledge, but they were far and few in between. But Riki will trust Jake with making the right decision. She nodded.

“What are your plans?”

“I was good with K-9s back when I was training. One of my batchmates is a full-time trainer, and she is in constant need of volunteers and trainers.” Jake shrugs her shoulder. “Maybe… I could be of help.”

Riki’s breathing picked up. It’s that line of work again, but she tried to rationalize it for Jake’s sake. “Seems fine. That way you won’t have to deal with actual scary people out there.” Riki pinched Jake’s nose to lighten the air. “And you get to be with so many fur babies. Aah, I’ll be jealous.” Riki pouted. Jake smiled; Riki was really the cutest.

“But don’t get too attached to them; you will end up getting hurt.”

“No promises.” Jake raised her hands in surrender; she was taking no accountability.

Riki clicked her tongue. “And you won’t pull any stunts there. Give me your word.” Riki brought her pinky finger right in front of Jake’s nose, emphasizing on the seriousness of the situation. Her cheeks puffed with determination. Hell, if Jake could be intimidated by that.

She brought her own pinky up and mouthed, “Promise.”