Chapter 5.
- [The students are seated in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, decorated with portraits of its owner: Gilderoy Lockhart; the door to the office opens and Lockhart walks out.]
- Lockhart: Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: me, Gilderoy Lockhart.
Sirius frowned. "I still can't believe this dipshit is famous." Remus simply nodded.
Lockhart: Order of Merlin, Third Class. Honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award.
James shook his head. "Man, he's full of himself." Severus glared at him.
"I don't even get what's attractive about him." Narcissa said, observing his face. Alice frowned.
"Maybe it's his...personality!"
"Yeah, sure." Remus deadpanned. Peter frowned.
"Maybe he's talented!"
"I'll eat my own wand if that's true." Severus stated.
Lockhart: But I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at him. [Lockhart laughs at his own joke, showcasing his teeth. The boy students exchange confused looks at each other whilst the girls watch dreamily.] Now! Be warned. It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known the wizardkind. [He tapped the covered cage with his wand.] You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. I must ask you not to scream. It might provoke them! [He take off the cover of the cage to reveal squealing blue things.]
Regulus crossed his arms and looked entirely unimpressed. Bellatrix laughed.
"Cornish pixies?! In a Defense Against the Dark Arts class?" She continued chuckling.
Seamus: Cornish pixies?
Lockhart: Freshly caught Cornish pixies. [Seamus starts laughing.] Laugh if you will, Mr. Finnegan, but pixies can be devilishly tricky little blighters. Let's see what you make of them. [He unlocks the cage.]
Alice threw her hands up in the air. "Merlin FORBID that there is a safe class in this school!"
Lockhart: Hyah! Go! [The pixies fly out from the cage, and tear off across the classroom. The students rise from their chairs and run around in panic.]
Lockhart: Come on now! Round them up, round them up! They're only pixies! [The pixies mess up the room. They rip pages out of textbooks and pull on Neville's ears.
"I've had it!" Alice yelled. "Hogwarts is dangerous!"
"Yeah, maybe for your son." Sirius mumbled under his breath.
[Neville starts getting levitated by the pixies as Lockhart looks on in horror. Everyone is swiping at the pixies, panicking. Neville reaches the chandelier. The pixies let go of him, but his cloak catches on a chandelier hook.]
Alice was fuming at that point. "I swear I'll-"
"I'm going to have a 'chat' with Dumbledore about his teachers..." Frank interrupted, equally fuming.
Neville: Please, get me down! [Panic reigns supreme as Ron, Harry and Hermione find each other, and start batting at the pixies with books. One starts to pull at Hermione's hair.]
Hermione: Get off me!
Harry: Stop! Hold still. [Hermione does, and Harry smacks it with a bat. Lockhart starts to smile.]
Lockhart: Peskipiksi Pesternomi! [Before he can complete the spell, his wand gets stolen by a pixie.]
"Yeah!" Sirius cheered. "Steal that wand!" Remus looked at him.
"How are the pixies going to go back in their cage?" He questioned. Sirius smiled at him.
"Prongs' son will figure it out."
[The pixie uses his wand to blast at the dinosaur fossil hanging above the classroom. It falls down and breaks. Lockhart starts to run away, and reaches the top of the staircase.]
Lockhart: I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into their cage.
Lily glared at him. "He doesn't even know what he's doing!" She protested.
Ron: What do we do now? [They keep batting the pixies with the books.]
Hermione: Immobulus! [Hermione gets the pixies to hang in the air, immobilizing them.]
Neville: Why is it always me?
Alice nodded. "Why."
[The screen cuts to Hogwarts in the distance, looking magnificent.]
[Harry is walking down the corridor wearing his Quidditch outfit, accompanied by the rest of the team: Oliver Wood, Fred, George, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet, and Katie Bell.]
Oliver: I spent the summer devising a whole new Quidditch program. We are going to train earlier, harder, and longer. [glancing to his left, the rest of the team follows his gaze] What...? I don't believe it. [stepping out into the courtyard, they come across the Slytherin Quidditch team, also dressed for Quidditch, as Ron and Hermione are sitting nearby; Oliver directs his attention to the team's captain, Marcus Flint]
James gasped. "No way the Slytherin team will steal the field!" Sirius glared at the screen.
"It's the highest dishonor!" He protested.
Oliver: Where do you think you're going, Flint?
Marcus: Quidditch practice.
Oliver: I booked the pitch for Gryffindor today.
Marcus: Easy, Wood. I've got a note. [holds out a rolled up scroll; Wood takes it and opens it]
Ron: Uh-oh. I smell trouble. [he and Hermione get up and walk towards the two teams]
Oliver: [reading the parchment] I, Professor Severus Snape, do hereby give the Slytherin team permission to practice today, owing to the need to train their new Seeker." [looks up from the parchment] You've got a new Seeker, who? [Marcus steps aside, and Draco steps out towards the Gryffindor team members]
"Draco?!" James exclaims. Regulus frowned.
"I don't mean to judge before I see him play, but judging by his demeanor, I don't think he'll be good at seeker." He stated. Narcissa nodded.
"I agree."
Harry: [amazed that his nemesis is now a member of the Slytherin Quidditch team] Malfoy?
Draco: That's right. And that's not all that's new this year. [puts his broom at his side; Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team examine the brooms Draco and the rest of the Slytherin team are holding]
Ron: Those are Nimbus 2001s. How did you get those?
Marcus: A gift from Draco's father.
"Of course, little git had to buy his way in." Sirius cursed.
- Draco: You see, Weasley, unlike some, my father can afford the best.
- Hermione: At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in. They got in on pure talent.
"They did." James said, swelling with pride for his son.
[Draco glares at her in annoyance as he takes a few steps and stops only at arms length in front of her]
- Draco: No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood.
Lily's mouth gaped. Severus immediately looked down. It reminded him of his little 'incident' with her. James frowned.
"You asshole!" He shouted. Regulus, Narcissa, and Bellatrix sat there impassively. They didn't understand the fuss. Regulus was going to mention that it wasn't that bad, however, as if reading his mind, Narcissa touched his wrist. She brought his gaze to her and conveyed in a look the same as ten words. Don't. And so Regulus didn't.
"- a spoiled brat!" Peter was saying. Ted nodded.
"We are the same as those fucking purebloods!" He shouted.
"And," Mary started. "Hermione is the brightest witch of her fucking age! Better than those fucking elite purebloods." During this conversation, Sirius side-eyed his 'family.' However, much to his surprise, they didn't argue.
[Hermione glares at him with a mixture of hate and hurt as Draco sneers.]
- Ron: You'll pay for that one, Malfoy! [he takes out his wand and aims it at Draco] Eat slugs!
[Unfortunately, Ron's spell backfires, blasting him off backwards and onto the ground. Harry and Hermione immediately rush to his side.]
Remus frowned, still not entirely over the 'mudblood' thing. "Poor dude, he had the right idea."
- Hermione: You okay, Ron? Say something!
[Ron opens his mouth as if to say something, but instead he spits out a slug.]
- Colin Creevey: [starts taking pictures of Ron] Wow! Can you turn him around, Harry?
"Oh piss off." Sirius stated.
- Harry: No, Colin! Get out of the way. [he and Hermione help Ron to his feet] Let's take him to Hagrid. [Ron regurgitates another slug] He'll know what to do.
[The three of them rush off to Hagrid's while the Slytherins laugh at them.]
"Awww. That sucks." Peter said.
[The trio is now in Hagrid's hut.]
Hagrid: This calls for a specialist's equipment. [He hands a bucket to Ron.] Nothing to do but wait til it stops, I'm afraid.
Everyone cringed.
"Ew, that sucks." Peter reiterated.
[Ron vomits another slug and both Harry and Hermione lean back in disgust.]
Hagrid: Better out than in. Who was Ron trying to curse, anyway?
Harry: Malfoy. He called Hermione...well, I don't exactly know what it means.
Marlene's mouth opened in realization. "Oh, he doesn't know what it means." Sirius frowned.
"How doesn't he know what it means?" He asked.
"He was raised by muggles, remember?" Marlene continued.
"Oh."
[Hermione stood up, and crossed her arms. She walked towards the window, staring forlorn at it.]
Hermione: He called me a mudblood.
Hagrid: He did not.
Harry: What's a mudblood?
Hermione: It's means dirty blood. Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who is muggle-born. Someone with non-magic parents. Someone like me. It's not a term one usually hears in civilized conversation.
Lily frowned. She had been called mudblood many times, and truly felt bad for Hermione.
"Poor Hermione." She said. Regulus, despite himself, started to feel...something towards her. Pity, sadness, perhaps...guilt?
Hagrid: See the thing is Harry, there's some wizards, like the Malfoy family, who think they're better than everyone else because they're what people call pureblood.
Harry: That's horrible! [Ron vomited another slug.]
Ron: It's digusting.
Hagrid: And it's codswallop, to boot. Dirty blood... why, there isn't a wizard alive today that's not half-blood or less. More to the point they've yet to think of a spell that our Hermione can't do.
Mary smiled slightly. "True."
Hagrid: Come here. [He takes Hermione's hand.] Don't you think on it, Hermione. Don't you think on it for one minute. Hey? [Hermione smiled back at him.]
"Awww."