Scar Tissue

“I feel like I’m sixteen waiting outside the headmaster’s office.”

Marlene stared straight at the thick dark wooden door in front of her. It was the backdrop of a small square plaque inscribed neatly with the words ‘Frank Longbottom’.

“Yeah.” James agreed, “It’s like we’re about to get shouted at for smoking on school property.”

“You guys got caught for that shit?” Lily teased with a smile, trying to make the atmosphere a bit lighter.

“Not all of us possessed the ability to think ahead.” James defended himself. 

“Yeah,” Marlene huffed a laugh, “I think those brain cells got knocked out of us somewhere between the ages of fifteen and sixteen and we never really recovered them.”

“Well if it makes you feel better, we actually did get caught a few times.” Remus admitted, lighting a cigarette before a reedy woman in a dark blue suit walked past, turning to tell him that they had a no smoking policy.

“Fucking squares.” he gruffed, continuing to smoke. 

“Well they didn’t have to know.” Lily chastised, holding her fingers out for Remus to give him a toke.

“Ah, yes,” Remus drawled, passing the cigarette to the other girl,  “How dare I ruin our rep for being well behaved, law-abiding citizens? Very rock’n’roll.”

Lily shoved him lightly, “No, you’re ruining our rep of being sneaky masterminds.”

“Please, with these two?” Remus grinned, pointing at the other pair, “We could hit someone with a freight train and still be more discreet.”

James and Marlene made noises of offence, in perfect understanding that everything Remus was saying was correct. 

The group was lulled back into silence. There was a weird vibe between them, like they were preparing for battle. They had been whisked away to Phoenix headquarters as soon as they knew about the leaked photos had reached them in the morning. Marlene had taken one look at the newspaper and scrunched it into a ball, throwing it from a distance (unsuccessfully) into the trash. Mary picked it up from the floor and put it in. The call from Frank came shortly after that, and the rest of the band met in front of the tall skyscraper that housed their record label. 

“Does it ever strike you as strange that we’ve never actually been inside of Frank’s office?” Lily mused. 

Marlene thought about it, “I guess I kind of supposed he just followed us everywhere and supervised.”

“Like a glorified nanny.” Lily nodded her head in agreement. 

“This really is a visit to the headmistress’ office.” James was starting to look a bit unnerved.

“I mean, what are they gonna say?” Lily turned to Marlene, “That you can’t date Dorcas? That you can’t have your pictures leaked to the paps? This whole fucking thing is ridiculous.”

“I’m getting tired of them forgetting that we’re fucking people first, a product second.” Remus grumbled. 

Marlene remembered back to the conversation she had had with Dumbledore at their last concert. It seemed like a lifetime ago, now. It was sad that the first thought that had appeared in her mind when she saw the news was what the old man was going to think. She hadn’t really thought about what Dorcas was feeling until a while after. 

Old habits die hard, and all that. 

Marlene was starting to think that the business mentality of fame had sunk into her a lot more than she had previously thought. 

Marlene shrugged, “Someone in the chain of command has found an issue, I guess.”

Just then the door swung open. Frank sighed as he saw them, his mouth in a line, before ushering them all into the room. 

The office was exactly how Marlene had imagined it; a large glass wall at the back leading way to a high-rise view of LA beneath them. The walls were mahogany panelling, and the desk was cluttered with pictures - what she assumed to be of his family, of Alice. Four dark leather seats were set up in a row in front of his desk.

Very headmaster’s office. 

Frank said nothing as he sat down in his large chair, signalling for the group to sit down in front of him. 

“I’ve just got off the phone with Dumbledore,”

No good news started that way. 

“And I just…” he paused to find the right words, “Look, before we get into this, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

He looked to Marlene for an answer, dark brown eyes warm and sincere. 

He continued, “Having your relationship leaked to the press and smeared over tabloids is just…. well it’s awful, and I want to let you know that I’m doing all I can to find out who took those pictures and suing them into oblivion - they should have never been able to get that close to your house.” 

Listening to him, Marlene believed that being sued into oblivion was probably the best outcome for the photographer - Frank spoke like murder wasn’t entirely off the table. 

She smiled at him. Marlene had known Frank long enough to know that he was a good man - one of the few in the business. He genuinely cared about all of them, like a little surrogate father. Both him and Alice had acted like makeshift parents since they had met the band, making sure they were as okay as they could be. 

Still, it was painfully obvious to all of them that they were ultimately there to do their jobs. No amount of love could trump that, really. Business, even if it didn’t come first, was always there. 

“I appreciate that, Frank.”

He nodded, moving on in a businesslike manner, “Okay, well this next part is not going to be easy.”

“Is it ever?” Marlene laughed humourlessly. 

“From a PR perspective, we have to look at what the leak does to the image of you guys as a band, and more specifically to how it will affect the release of the upcoming album,” he took in a deep breath, “And, look, while I disagree, Dumbledore seems to think that the image of you in a happy relationship may seem contradictory to the songs in your album that clearly mention you inability to move on from Emmeline-”

“An inability that he mentioned I should include in the album in the first place because it would increase publicity and sales.” Marlene interrupted.

Frank looked back with a sorry expression, “He seems to think that it could go one of two ways: either the public doesn’t believe that you’re still not over Emmeline and they view the songs as a cheap exploitation of her death, or they believe that you’re still not over Emmeline and take Dorcas’ side in some weird delusion that you’re stringing her along.”

The group was stunned into silence.

“I’m sorry, what?” Lily asked, baffled, an edge to her voice. 

Marlene couldn’t bring herself to feel upset over the words. The only thing she felt was stinging anger. She felt like she had been backed into a corner, like everywhere she moved there was a laser pointed at her. 

The leaking of the pictures didn’t change anything about how she felt for Dorcas - she’d spent so long fighting herself getting to a point where she was able to let herself feel anything for the girl. For years she had been fighting a trap she had put herself in, trying not to drown in a lake that she had forced herself to swim in. It was nice, in a way, that what Frank said didn’t feel like the plain truth - if anyone had asked Marlene a few months ago, she probably would have felt differently. 

Maybe she didn’t feel like Dumbledore was entirely wrong, but she didn’t feel like throwing herself into a fire of self-hatred and chastising. Marlene didn’t think she was a good person - not that much had changed - but she felt like maybe she should give herself a little more sympathy than she had allowed in the past. Maybe, just maybe, she should’ve given herself a bit more leeway.

So she wasn’t upset by what Dumbledore had said, but she was fucking angry. The corporate machine had chewed up what Marlene had fed it, all those bits of herself over the years, syphoning off bits of flesh, cutting up bits of tissue, just to hurl it all up and throw it back at her. This image she had made herself into - this sad, decrepit, hollow shell of a person - this product, just to further her career, just to roll in the bank cheques, had fucking destroyed her. 

And now they were upset that she was trying to move on?

And it’s not like she would have been a happy, perfect person if Dumbledore had never swooped in, but maybe she would have been able to process Emmeline’s death in a more natural way. Instead, both Emmeline and her were turned into spectacle. They became frozen in time and space, waiting to be churned out into songs. 

And Marlene let it.

She let her genuine love and her genuine mourning be tainted by a business that revelled in her misery and ate her sadness for dinner. And she didn’t know if she would ever forgive herself for it. Because her songs about Emmeline were some of her favourites, they were the only way she knew how to honour her, how to cherish her now that she was gone, but they were also the ones that she hated performing, that she knew would get the most attention when she put them on an album. 

So, in many ways, she blamed Dumbledore for her guilt, for letting her own art corrupt her. 

And she hated him for throwing it back at her; if Marlene hadn’t turned Emmeline into the mythical, the public wouldn’t care so much if she decided to live a normal life. 

So, no, she wasn’t sad, she was murderous. 

“Personally, I don’t think that public opinion is that black and white, but, you know,” Frank shrugged dejectedly, “He’s the big man in charge.”

“And what does he suppose we do?” Remus asked, huffing, leaning back in his chair.

“He’s thinking of a plan. For now, he advises that you keep quiet - don’t speak to reporters, don’t confirm or deny anything - you know the drill.”

“And what if we don’t fucking want to?” James piped up.

“Then that’s your decision,” Frank shrugged, “But I have to tell you that Dumbledore won’t be happy about it.” he started to get up from his chair, clearly indicating that the meeting was over. 

“Like any of us give a shit.” James was getting up from his chair now, too. The rest of them followed suit, making their way towards the door. 

“And, guys, before you leave.” Frank added, something different in his tone, “I also spoke to Minerva this morning. She wanted me to remind you that your contract with Phoenix records is up for renewal at the end of the month… if that changes how you want to go about this.”

He shut the door behind them with a glint in his eyes. 

***

“I need a smoke.” Marlene breathed out as they arrived back outside the studio.

She grabbed the pack in her back pocket and walked towards the side of the building as soon as the car pulled up. The rest of the band followed her. 

“I feel like kicking something.” Lily huffed as she lit her cigarette. 

“How man of you.” Marlene replied, leaning back against the concrete wall, hoping it would cool her overheated brain.

She looked around at her friends, each broiling in their own anger and indignation, a tired look on their faces. She was meant to… what? Wait for someone to bring up exactly what she wanted to say? Not make it come across as if she had her own boundaries? Her own anger? 

What a waste of time

“I don’t want to sign the contract again.” she stated.

She didn’t care if it made it seem like she was holding the band hostage over her own feelings for Dumbledore. 

“Well, obviously.” Remus took a drag of his cigarette, “Fuck that. We’re going somewhere else.”

“Agreed. I mean, who wouldn’t want us?” James gesticulated using his cigarette, “We’re Gryffindor Tower, for fuck’s sake. We’re hot shit.”

“Ugh I wish I could just…” Lily decided to forgo the use of words for an angrily mimed strangling, “I just hate Dumbledore so much.” 

“I wish I could just bash that creepy little face in.” James agreed.

“How long does it take for a person to suffocate?” Marlene wondered out loud.

“Isn’t it like a long time?” Lily replied, “Like five minutes or something.”

“I think it depends on how much they’re struggling,” James added, “If they’re struggling they will use up more oxygen.” 

“Does that really matter if you’re pressing a pillow to someone’s face?”

James thought about it for a second, “ I guess the type of pillow will probably matter.” 

Remus took a deep breath in and put out his cigarette, stamping it out with his left shoe, “And with that, lovelies, I’m off. I need to prepare for tonight.” 

The reminder of Sirius and Remus’ annual party at their Malibu house lifted Marlene’s anger a bit. 

“Gotta get back to the old ball and chain.” James patted him on the back sympathetically, a grin on his face which Remus mirrored. 

“He’s been freaking out all week over the drink selection.”

“That sounds like him.”

“God, please don’t tell me we’ll be stuck with vodka cranberries for the whole night like last year.” Marlene complained.

Remus rolled his eyes with a smile, “As if you and Mary didn’t gulp down, like, ten each.”

“Touche,” Marlene lifted up her cigarette as if she was toasting with a drink, “Still, part of being a good host is a varied drink selection.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll keep that in mind.” 

“I bet you he ends up buying twenty bottles of tequila and calling it a night.” James laughed.

Remus pointed at him as he turned to leave, “Don’t even, that’s probably the best scenario. I had to talk him out of making an entire menu of cocktails he had created himself.”

The thought ran shivers down her spine.

“We thank you for your service!” she called out after him, to which he waved a hand in acknowledgement. 

Putting out her own finished cigarette, Lily addressed the other two, “C’mon, I’ll drive you guys back.”

They made their way to Lily’s car, discussing timings for the party that evening. They each had bedrooms in the condo Remus and Sirius had bought in Malibu a few years ago, so that was sorted - not that it really mattered anyway, most people tended to just collapse on sofas or on the beach for the night. 

It was nice to have a distraction. Marlene tried not to get her heart too excited at the thought of seeing Dorcas again, although who knew if the leaked pictures would change anything between them. It all felt up in the air, but in a good way, almost. 

After saying goodbye to the other two, Marlene hopped out of Lily’s car and walked up the driveway. 

“Honey, I’m home.” she called out as she flung the door open. 

“What did they say?” Mary shouted back at her from upstairs. 

“Ugh, I’ll tell you later.” Marlene threw her keys into the bowl by the entrance and poured herself a glass of water.

“That bad?”

“It was… interesting.” 

Marlene made her way up the stairs. Mary’s room was littered with clothes all over the floor and over her bed. 

“If I ever see that Dumbledore song of a bitch again….” Mary mumbled as she sorted through various sparkly tops in one of her drawers. 

Marlene laughed as she threw aside some of Mary’s clothes on the bed so that she could lie on it. 

The other girl hopped into something else before going to the full-length mirror, “What about this one?”

Mary turned around in a dark lavender sparkly set - a halter neck top and shorts.

“Love.” was Marlene’s concise reply. Mary returned it with a gracious smile.

“I’ve been craving a big blowout party.” Mary continued as she took off the set and put it in a silk casing, ready to put on once they were at Remus and Sirius’.

Marlene got up to idly rake through the other girl’s closet for anything she might like to wear, “Didn’t you go out yesterday?”

“Yeah.” Mary supplied. The other girl laughed, “But it’s different. This is a family event.”

Marlene agreed - the party felt more like home turf. She continued flicking through Mary’s closet, trying to mentally detach herself entirely from the events of that morning. 

“God, I would never host again in a million years.” Marlene sighed, all the memories of parties past coming back to haunt her.

Mary gave a shudder, “Do you remember when the balcony started cracking that one time?”

“Or when someone brought that entire troupe of Judy Garland impersonators?” she countered.

“Ugh, we were fishing cigarette butts out of the pool for weeks after that one.”

Marlene hummed it acknowledgement - it was crazy how much it cost to drain a pool, clean it, and fill it back with water.

“Do you remember our old deck chair?” Mary began wistfully as she grabbed various lipsticks and eyeshadow palettes to pack in her bag,

“I will never forgive Hestia Jones for setting it on fire.” 

Mary turned to her, “Did you know she’s actually completely sober now?”

“Really?” Marlene couldn’t really picture it - come rain or shine, she didn’t think that she’d even actually seen Hestia without a glass of wine in her hand. 

“Yeah,” the other girl nodded, “She’s given up on tarot and everything.”

Marlene rolled her eyes, “Didn’t she go on and on about having the sight? She wouldn’t shut up about her fucking visions.”

“Yeah, apparently that was just the pills she was popping.” Mary smiled wickedly. 

Marlene sat back down on the bed, “You know once she told me that I would be a groundbreaking mime.”

Mary’s face turned to disgust, “God, is that why she always wanted us to play charades?”

“Yeah.” Marlene laughed, remembering the times that she was so plastered that she actually did it.

“She made that voodoo doll of me.” Mary pointed out, grabbing a tube of mascara.

“Oh yeah. The arm pain.” she said by way of explanation. 

“And did you know that only went away after she dropped all the spiritual shit?”

“Wow. Maybe she did have the sight.”

“I guess we’ll never know.” Mary got up, putting her clothes and makeup for the evening by the door to grab them on the way out, “I’m glad, though, I was getting sick of having to be nice to her so she didn’t stick me with a broken neck or something.” 

Marlene laughed and got immediately reprimanded by Mary, saying that it ‘wasn’t funny’ and ‘was actually a very scary time for her.’

Eventually Marlene decided what she was going to wear - a short white see-through dress with a bright red bikini underneath. They packed all of their clothes and makeup into Mary’s vintage Jeep, ready to make the drive to Malibu. 

They picked up Lily, James, and Peter on the way, although they had to squeeze in the back with Mary and Marlene’s provisions for the night. They took the coastal route by the beach front, putting the roof down, until they had to get through the winding residential streets of Point Dume with its sun-splattered leaves and occasional patches of bamboo. 

The wind in Marlene’s hair felt an odd caressing of sorts, a way for the world to hold her, to let her know that it was there. People were complicated, human shit was complicated. It felt nice to leave the packed heat of LA for a cooler, calmer place. 

They peeled off the PCH, driving off into a small hidden road. The secluded gate of Remus and Sirius’ was hidden by drooping leaves and greenery. Mary leaned out of the car to hit the intercom, which crackled with Sirius’ excited voice at the other end, letting them in. The party wouldn’t begin until much later in the evening, so the group had the house to themselves for a bit. 

Remus and Sirius’ house in Malibu had always been a marvel - Marlene had gone with them when they’d managed to get a listing. It hadn’t been a public listing, but one of the children of the architect had been such a big fan of the band that, meeting them at a party, had asked them if they were interested. Harry Gresner - the architect - hadn’t liked the idea of two rockstars living in his house, but eventually he was convinced. 

Its central living room curved out with a giant brick fireplace in the middle and a curved wall of glass, overlooking the garden and the beach below. The greenhouse was Marlene’s favourite, with its stained glass ornaments. The entire house was a feat of art. The building itself was on an elevated platform, and the outdoor area felt like one of those large jungle playgrounds she used to go to as a kid. 

They unpacked slowly, taking time to absorb the stillness of the afternoon before this evening's events. Eventually they each left to their rooms to get ready. Marlene made herself a cup of coffee and took it to her room, placing it on the driftwood bedside table next to the mirror. 

By the time she had finished putting on makeup, stopping and starting to dance to the radio or go and ask Mary or Lily for something, the voices in the rest of the house had become louder and louder until Marlene was sure that there were at least a hundred people there already. 

“Ready for a drink?” Mary entered the room, revealing a bottle of Tequila.

Marlene smiled. For all the shit that had happened today, she wasn’t going to let it ruin this. She looked in her bag for the shot glasses she had packed earlier. 

A few drinks down and the party was in full swing. The house was teeming with people, spilling into the backyard. Marlene and Mary had made their way outside, finding Lily. Both girls were stood in front of her as Marlene sat down on one of the wooden steps, glass in one hand and cigarette in the other. All that was needed was a line of something white in front of her and Your Woman by White Town blasting over the speakers for her to reach her full form and die happy. 

People going down the stairs kept turning to greet Marlene, or congratulate her on something or other.

“That guy called me a has-been in the press.” Marlene grumbled after a particularly cheerful greeting had been given to her.

When there was no reply, she turned to see Lily and Mary, tongue down each other’s throat.

“Jesus christ.” she put a hand over her eyes, “I divert my gaze for one second.”

They broke apart, a sly smile on Mary’s face, “What? Jealous you’re not gettin’ any?”

“Yeah, where is lovergirl anyway?” Lily asked, looking around.

Marlene shrugged. She thought they would’ve been there by now, or maybe they were and she just hadn’t seen them.

“You’ll find her later.” Lily patted her in a sympathetic way, before her entire face lit up, “In the meantime, let’s get shots.”

She grabbed Marlene’s hand and pulled both girls towards the outdoor bar. 

“Ummmm…” Lily began, looking at the menu, “Can I have three shots of the Sirius?”

Remus clearly hadn’t been successful convincing Sirius out of creating his own drinks. What a pushover, Marlene thought. 

The bartender gave them three shots filled with an electric green liquid that Marlene was sure was probably radioactive on some level. After three more rounds, the girls opted for the ‘Remus’, a much nicer light pink cocktail, served with small slices of pineapple. They had a sweet taste, perfectly masking the heart-attack level of alcohol in them so well that the girls didn’t realise they were absolutely trashed until they tried to order a fifth and forgot the name of the drink - a drink named after one of their dearest and oldest friends. 

Once Lily and Mary started sticking their tongues down each other’s throats again, Marlene turned around, looking to see if there was anyone else near her she could jump ship to. 

Her eyes got caught on dark locs across the room. Dorcas. She left the two girls immediately, as if possessed, but as quick as she had seen the other girl, she vanished. 

Marlene was left looking around, confused, before her eyes laid on Regulus, Barty, and Sirius sitting on some deck chairs around a circular table. They seemed to be having a heated discussion, whilst Regulus sat in the middle, eyes trained to the ceiling as if he were asking god himself to intervene. 

“What do you think, Marls?” Sirius asked when he saw her coming over. 

Marlene shrugged, “Whatever it is, I’m on Sirius’ side.”

“Thank you.” Sirius replied, as if Marlene had proven his point. Barty rolled his eyes and muttered something about blatant favouritism. 

“Of course.” she held out her drink for them to toast with it. 

Remus came over to the conversation, looking a little bit exasperated, “Some paps have figured out what’s happening, they’re by the gate trying to take pictures.”

“Do you have security?” Marlene asked.

“On speed dial, but I didn’t want to call them.” Remus started making his way to the outdoor landline. 

“Now they’ll just get pictures of buff men blocking the view.” Sirius smiled, before breathing in suddenly, “What if I put them in my t-shirts? You know, the ones I bought for the party.”

Marlene laughed, thinking back to the dark blue t-shirts Sirius had shown them earlier with ‘I love Sirius Black’ written in pink writing. Pictures of the security guards wearing those outfits would end up splattered on front pages of magazines for weeks to come. 

“You bought t-shirts for the party?” Regulus asked, an eyebrow raised. He had a small smile coming over his face, too. 

“Of course.” Sirius replied, dead-pan, “I always make t-shirts.”

“Yeah, I can’t lie, this year’s slogan is very boring compared to your past ones.” Marlene chimed in. 

Sirius sighed dramatically, “I know, but Remus thought that all my other suggestions were too unprofessional.” 

“What a party pooper.” was Marlene’s eloquent reply. 

Her speech wasn’t at her best, but her mind was still working. Slowly, the cogs started turning in her drunk-addled mind.

“Hey, those t-shirts will probably be photographed loads if we put them on the security guards, right?” Marlene asked. 

Sirius nodded, “Yeah, probably.”

Perfect.

“Hey, do you have a marker somewhere in this house?”

Which was how, twenty minutes later, Marlene, Sirius, Barty, and Regulus were standing in Sirius and Remus’ bedroom, turning t-shirts inside out and writing in marker on the cover. Lily and James had joined at some point. Marlene thought this made sense - it was a band matter after all. 

Marlene put the lid back onto her pen and stared at her creation with a smug smile.

‘FUCK 

YOU 

DUMBLE-

DORE’

“Having to use a hyphen is a bit of a bummer.” Sirius piped up as he finished writing.

Marlene had to agree - but the words didn’t fit otherwise.

“Just make sure our names aren’t brought up,” Regulus said as he drunkenly folded a t-shirt, “We’re still a young band. We don’t want to be accessories to the crime.”

“Ugh, I love accessories.” Was Sirius’ distracted reply. Regulus rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help the smile on his face. 

James and Lily both noticed this, and turned to give each other secret smiles of their own. Marlene grabbed a t-shirt that hadn’t been defaced with markers; she always liked Sirius’ t-shirts. She cut off the top part, so that it would fall off one shoulder when worn, and lay it down beside the bed to put on later. 

They gave the security guards their creations  as they walked outside. The moment they stepped into the driveway, they were bombarded with white flashes and reporters trying to ask why they were wearing the graphic shirts. The security guards remained cold-faced, not speaking or showing any emotion, just a long wall of ‘fuck you dumbledore’.

Marlene smiled at herself. 

They made their way back to the party. James and Marlene got embroiled into a conversation with Cynthia Greengrass and Lucas Lestrange. They were both well-respected designers that Marlene had worked with before. She had known them for years.

She guessed that was what made them so comfortable asking Marlene about Dorcas.

“We’re not trying to intrude or anything, we just saw it in the press and were wondering.” 

Marlene smiled, trying to be as pleasant as possible, whilst still trying to show them that the line of conversation was making her uncomfortable. Luckily, their conversation was interrupted when Cynthia saw someone she knew walking into the building.

“Hestia?” she called out.

Marlene looked at James, fear in both of their eyes palpable at what would happen now that Hestia Jones had joined the party.

“Fresh air?” he asked.

Marlene nodded and they slipped away. They pushed through the crowds of young people towards the large patio around the back. 

“Let’s go down to the beach.” she suggested, seeing that it was still packed outside. 

They walked down the steep wooden stairs that led from the raised cliff area to the vast expanse of beach below. The lights from the houses reflected in the wet sheen of the sand. James and Marlene walked a bit forward sitting on a patch that was dry, looking out towards the ocean.

“It’s nice to be somewhere more quiet.” James said as they sat down.

Marlene hummed in agreement. It was often the loudest people like them that got overwhelmed the easiest. 

“I talked to Minerva earlier.” James sat up, taking a swig of his beer, “She said she’d come with us. If we left Phoenix.”

Marlene’s thoughts stopped like a scratched record, “What? Are you joking?”

“No.” James’ smile was wide, “We could actually do this and take minimal hit. I mean, after she goes, it’s not a small jump to thinking that Frank and Alice will probably leave with her. She’s been wanting to start her own label for years.”

Marlene couldn’t really believe it. Phoenix records was all she had ever known, in some way. They were the ones that launched into stardom. It was like everything was shifting around her - Marlene could feel it. They were moving into a new period of their lives. 

“Hey, have you spoken to Dorcas yet?” James broke the silence that had fallen on them.

Marlene shook her head, “I thought I was over feeling scared about the whole thing, but now I just don’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just that I’m finally ready to move the fuck on from everything but now… I don’t know, it’s just that all this sadness, all this anger, it’s all I feel like I know. If I let it go, I don’t know what happens next. I don’t really know who I am without it.” Marlene sighed.

Fighting was all Marlene knew how to do. It was how she understood herself. Moving on meant leaving stuff behind - not everything, she knew that - but on some level, she couldn’t take everything with her into this next stage. It didn’t work like that.

Something about it made her deeply sad, and she didn’t know why. Like she was mourning.

James took another swig of his beer, a smile curling up on the side of his lips. The morning was starting to break, and Marlene could see small wisps of pink and violet in the sky. The boy shrugged. 

“I guess no one knows what happens next, but maybe that's just life. Maybe it’s about moving on to the next thing, not getting stuck in one place,” He turned to look at her, “Maybe it just means you’re finally living.”

Something like tears pricked in the back of her eyes, “You think?”

His eyes glowed with warmth, a warmth that Marlene had spent the best years of her life looking at. Her life began and ended at James Potter, really - someone who knew her the way a warm bed carried the imprint of a body. Somewhere she always knew she would fit. 

Because Marlene was tired. Too tired for twenty-three, she thought. She felt that she had lived too much and simultaneously lived nothing at all. 

She wanted the simple fear of being scared and thrilled at what the future held, knowing that it was coming either way. 

“I do.” James nodded, pushing his shoulder into hers, “And, if you think about it, you’re not really leaving yourself behind. You have me.” a mischievous, knowing glint formed in his eyes, “And I knew you at sixteen.”

 James held an arm out and hugged her. Marlene rolled her eyes, a smile plastered to her face anyway. 

“Hey. Peter told me you were here.” 

Marlene turned around to hear a familiar face interrupting. Dorcas was standing there, almost shy, in dark purple trainers and black vinyl shorts. On her top half was a dark blue ‘I love Sirius’ t-shirt - the one that Marlene had cut. It made her smile involuntarily. She looked beautiful, but then again she always did. Marlene felt like a sailor in her presence, lured, drowning just to be with the other girl. 

“I’ll go back up.” James interrupted her thoughts, throwing Marlene a knowing wink before leaving the two of them.

Dorcas replaced his spot, sitting down and tucking her knees in.

“Where did you get that t-shirt from?” Marlene smiled.

Dorcas looked down and laughed, “Regulus gave it to me after spilling some wine on my top. He said something about it being ‘fitting for me to wear it’. I don’t know.” 

“Hmmmm,” Marlene nodded, “It’s gonna be hard to keep your street cred with the words ’I love Sirius’ in big writing on you.”

Dorcas matched her secret smile, “Somehow I’ll manage.”

Marlene didn’t know whether she should’ve called the other girl earlier today asking how she was. If she was honest with herself, she was a bit scared. She didn’t know how the other girl would react. 

“So,” she began, tone a bit more serious, “How have you been?”

Dorcas’ sighed, her face revealing little, “I’ve been fine. It was a bit of a shock at first to see those pictures.”

“I know what you mean.” Marlene looked back out at the ocean, “It’s so weird to see yourself in the third person like that.”

“Invasive.”

“Hmmmm. It’s what you get, I guess, when you sell your soul to be famous.” 

Marlene rummaged in her boots for the pack of cigarettes she had placed there earlier. She took one out, lighting it, before offering it to the other girl. 

Dorcas accepted the pack gratefully, “I’m not sure I want to sell my soul anymore, if I’m honest.”

Marlene couldn’t help but stare as the other girl lit her cigarette, elegantly, the flame lighting orange colours on her dark skin. 

She shrugged, unable to overcome the awe in her voice, “You’ve gotta love it, though.”

Dorcas smiled, mirroring her - it was a beautiful, warm thing, “That’s true. There are other things to love, though.”

That was true, she supposed. Fame was all Marlene had ever wanted, to have people chant her name, to feel like she mattered, that the earth cared that she was there. She had crawled up to the moon, writing her name in its rocks. Never forgotten. 

And now what? 

She looked again at the girl next to her. It seemed odd to look at someone and see future. Not the future, not a future, but future. To see someone and see the chance to never wither away, to stay stuck in a hole she had crawled into. To see the veritable truth that she could move on, that there was something in front of her, something to look forward to. 

“I’m sorry for all my fucked-up-ness.” Marlene blurted out, because when was there a better time to say it?, “I’m sorry for everything.”

Dorcas’ face looked confused, before coming to an understanding, “I’m sorry, too. You’re not the only one who has acted crazy.”

Marlene broke out into a small smile, “I guess we’re both a bit fucked up.”

Dorcas shrugged, “We make it work.”

It was a small thing, but Marlene took a drag of her cigarette to cover up the way her stomach did flips at the word - ‘we’.

“Besides,” the other girl continued, “I don’t hold any of it against you. I couldn’t.”

It was odd to feel so understood by someone she didn’t know a year ago. To look into someone’s eyes and know what they were thinking.

She looked over at the waves, meticulously pouring in and out, letting the comfortable silence between them settle a bit more. Even though she wasn’t that far from LA there was a palpable difference.

Marlene had never given the place enough distance to miss it - LA was all she had ever really known. She loved it, of course, but she loved it the way she did family. Complicated, loving but hurting at the same time. Her worst moments (and her best, she supposed), were splattered like guts on its walls. LA had held her during her lowest, and it threw back those memories in her face every time she passed a particular street, or bar. 

Everything ran its course, eventually. Maybe the city did, too. 

“I think I need to leave LA for a bit.” She piped up, taking a drag of her cigarette, “I’ll stay for the album release and then go. Take a break.”

She had been thinking about it for a while. 

Dorcas just looked at her, contemplatively. Marlene could see it out of the corner of her eye.

“I think that’s goo-”

“Come with me.” She turned to look at the other girl.

Marlene wanted to leave her past to breathe, build a future. She wanted to stroll through cobbled streets, buy wine at their favourite restaurant, walk back home giggling, blushes on their faces. Marlene wanted a life where she didn’t vomit up her past. She wanted a future with Dorcas, and she wanted to do it right.

The other girl looked at her, nothing but melted warmth in her eyes, “I think I’d go anywhere with you.”

Marlene blushed deeply. Not crimson, not hot or dark like blood, but soft, like flowers and sunsets. Like a teenager.

How beautiful, for a withered, crumpled up thing like her to feel sixteen again. 

“I’m not good at this whole ‘will you be my girlfriend thing’, it sounds stupid when I say it.” she blushed again, “But I just think that… I think that I feel complete when I’m with you. I feel like…like  everytime I think about what you mean to me I get overwhelmed, and I don’t know what to say. You reduce me to a stupid mess, Meadowes, and I don’t ever want to feel anything else.”

Dorcas looked at her, with that lovely, beautiful face, those lips that Marlene never wanted to stop kissing, those eyes that Marlene never wanted to stop looking at her.

And that smile that Marlene never wanted to stop causing, “It doesn’t sound stupid. Not to me.” the smoke from her cigarette rose up between them, “I think that for people like us it means a lot, to feel things wholly and simply. To feel like a stupid mess.”

Dorcas laughed, softly, “So, yes, of course I’ll be your girlfriend. Of course I’ll run away with you. I’ll do anything to be near you.”

Those words fractured something in Marlene’s chest, like her body couldn’t understand that someone could feel that way about her. She leaned forward, kissing Dorcas. It was something slow, sweet, tentative. Marlene cupped her chin, moving a finger to caress her cheek.

They pulled apart, then. They had all the time in the world. 

Marlene’s cigarette had burnt to ash. She pulled out another one from her pack. Dorcas picked one out as well.

She felt something settling in her bones, something calm. Her hot blood had been burning for so many summers now, just gnawing at everything inside her. But despite it all, Marlene, begrudgingly, had a fondness for her past self. She had a fondness for the girl that would run around LA, clothes torn up, makeup smudged, bashing her way into every conversation she could get a hold of. She had been a lot to handle, but she had been full of broken fire. 

It was time to cool it all down, though, whatever that may mean. It was time to build something, not bash it all down. 

The two girls sat on the beach, smoking in comfortable silence.

Marlene looked up at the moon she had once prayed to as a teenager, wishing desperately to help her not feel insignificant. To make her feel seen, wanted. She looked over at Dorcas next to her. The other girl looked back, a lovely smile on her face, one that felt like it was there just for her. 

And so she looked back up to the moon and whispered a silent thanks. 

Maybe up in the sky it was looking down at all the horrors man had invented, all the traps it had set itself up to cause more pain. 

But if it was looking down at all that, it was also looking down at a girl, sitting on the beach with the girl she loved, heart pounding in a way she had not felt for years, a smile on her face in silent gratitude to a world that had brought her someone that felt like home.